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10 - 15 - 19

the canvas

the shrines

4 - 17 - 21

20:28

541

hello. i didnt do much today. im still swollen, but it doesnt hurt as much. im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 16 - 21

21:21

540

hello. i think im doing a pretty good job at recovering from my surgery. in all honesty, i think my family is a little surprised about how nonchalant ive been about this whole thing. my dad told me hes never seen someone bounce back so quick. i mean, it is a little uncomfortable, but compared to the emotional pain ive been under for the past few weeks, the physical pain is just a breeze. im hoping to be able to chew foods again since thats the best part of eating. as of right now im just eating yogurt and very cool soup. it isnt very fun, believe me. anyways, im going to end this entry here. hopefully when i wake up tomorrow, the swelling will have lessened over night. goodbye.

4 - 15 - 21

22:04

539

hello. okay. wow. so today was eventful, as you probably already know. i had to go get my wisdom teeth out today, and now im in a bit of pain (as to be expected, obviously). everything went well and nothing has really happened today because of that. i just cant eat hard foods for a while, which is pretty annoying, but oh well. goodbye.

4 - 14 - 21

20:15

538

hello. today was pretty normal, i think. i cant really remember. i actually didnt freak out all that much today. im getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow so im pretty nervous, and i kind of want to just end this entry here so i can finish my assignment and go to bed because im tired. goodbye.

4 - 13 - 21

20:31

537

hello. today was... sad. i went outside today in hopes that it would cheer me up, and it did for a little bit. i walked around before laying down in the grass and closing my eyes. it was quite peaceful, until i opened my eyes and realized there were bugs swarming me from above of course. i freaked out and ran back inside. so much for that, i guess...? im hoping i can get my act together soon and stop feeling so miserable all the time, but i guess we will have to wait and see... im sorry. goodbye.

4 - 12 - 21

20:23

536

hello. maybe it was because of the weather, but i felt very sad today. im still sad right now, actually. i just want to go to bed now so i will just end this entry here. im sorry. goodbye.

4 - 11 - 21

20:58

535

hello. my sisters pet fish died last night. funnily enough, last night i had dreamt that i was in charge of taking care of him, and i ended up almost killing him. that was the first dream i ever had about him, and now he is dead. i had a similar thing occur to me when my first cat died, although the dream and the actual death were maybe around a month apart. anyways, we buried him in our backyard. i didnt do much other than that, so goodbye.

4 - 10 - 21

22:39

534

hello. eugh. i only completed one assignment today, and answered a few questions on another. im tired. goodbye.

4 - 9 - 21

22:07

533

hello. i am so, so, so glad that today is friday. i didnt work today, but im hoping to get a few missing assignments done tomorrow and break this plateau ive reached. im so tired. goodbye.

4 - 8 - 21

21:12

532

hello. well, today was the best day of this week so far. i had a relatively low amount of moments where i was freaking out, which is great. that being said i still didnt feel too well today. im just waiting for this weekend so i can calm down a bit. goodbye.

4 - 7 - 21

21:42

531

hello. today was painful for no particular reason. my brain just felt like being a problem today, i suppose. as you probably have already guessed, i have done little work today. im tired now. goodbye.

4 - 6 - 21

20:53

530

hello. today was kind of boring, so i dont really have anything to say. goodbye.

4 - 5 - 21

21:16

529

hello. i was kind of in a bad mood today, but i think im okay now. i cried a little bit and now i feel better. i hope i will be productive again soon. goodbye.

4 - 4 - 21

21:05

528

hello. well, today was blegh. i felt good in the morning and now i feel awful. im hoping that having a few days to relax will give me the strength necessary to keep moving forward and completing assignments. my break ends tomorrow, so im worried about that but i should be fine. goodbye.

4 - 3 - 21

20:30

527

hello. i didnt do much work today either, to be honest. i think im sort of losing energy since ive already done so much. im trying to stay motivated, but it's a little tricky. goodbye.

4 - 2 - 21

22:00

526

hello. unfortunately, today was... sort of the opposite. i didnt do much work today. i dont have much left to do though, so maybe tomorrow i can get some more done. goodbye.

4 - 1 - 21

22:17

525

hello. i did a lot of work today, and im so close to finishing all of my missing assignments. im really tired so im going to end this entry here. im sorry. goodbye.

3 - 31 - 21

20:58

524

hello. today was great! i finally completed a math assignment for the first time in a while today. i had been stalling for so long because i was nervous, but i finally did one! i still have plenty more to do of course, but it was nice to finally get one done. i also got some other work done today. also, it is raining right now! i love falling asleep while it is raining. goodbye.

3 - 30 - 21

20:47

523

hello. short entry for today because im in a bad mood. i did five assignments today. goodbye.

3 - 29 - 21

19:46

522

hello. today was... weird. when i woke up this morning, it felt like a beautiful day. the sun was shining outside and my life felt lighter. as the day went on, everything began to feel heavier and heavier. i did six assignments today. whenever i lose motivation, i just try to remember what it feels like to lay down and not feel the weight of missing assignments crushing me. im hoping to achieve that again before my break ends so i can tackle the new waves of work as quickly as possible. goodbye.

3 - 28 - 21

19:46

521

hello. today was super rainy, so my mood was a little down today but i was alright. i got five assignments done. im making progress, i think. i hope. i want to try to tackle much harder projects tomorrow. goodbye.

3 - 27 - 21

21:55

520

hello. today was... pretty boring, i think. i only got one, almost two assignments done today but thats about it. im hoping to get a lot more done tomorrow. goodbye.

3 - 26 - 21

20:36

519

hello. short entry for today because it was an utter mess and im quite exhausted. my family got mad at me today because i still have a ton of missing assignments. ive been working super hard ever since, and i got five assignments done today. i still have a lot more to go, though. thankfully my break just started so i can use this free time to catch up once and for all. goodbye.

3 - 25 - 21

20:26

518

hello. today was actually pretty normal, thankfully. i freaked out a little bit this morning but i just went outside and i immediately felt better. it is so weird how going outside can just stop my panicking sometimes. i only did two assignments today, but thats better than zero so im happy. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 24 - 21

18:14

517

hello. today was really good! i had planned to do work for today, but right when i was beginning to open up my assignments a huge wave of sadness hit me. i was thinking about just giving up, but instead i pushed through and managed to complete eight assignments! i still have a lot more work of course, but im just super glad i was able to get something done. i wasnt able to go outside today sadly, but i hope to go outside tomorrow or sometime soon. goodbye.

3 - 23 - 21

23:50

516

hello. short entry for today because im very tired, despite... not doing anything. ugh. i really wanted to do things today, but then i just didnt for some reason. im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 22 - 21

21:10

515

hello. well, it seems like today was the opposite of yesterday. today started off good and ended poorly. i was fine this morning, but i started freaking out maybe around an hour or so ago. i managed to calm myself down but constantly worrying and freaking out is beginning to frustrate me. im going to end this entry here since my tics are getting annoying and i just want to sleep. goodbye.

3 - 21 - 21

19:48

514

hello. today was... good! it wasnt good at first, but then it got better after i went outside. i was freaking out in bed this morning and crying. i thought about going downstairs to pace before remembering what my therapist told me. she told me that instead of going downstairs to pace, i should go outside to get some fresh air. i went outside to pace and i felt so much better. i colored a little of my mandala and walked around and collected some rocks, but that was really it. goodbye.

3 - 20 - 21

20:43

513

hello. today was... eventful? i think? i dont know. i went to some thrift stores with my mother and my father today. it was a little fun, but i was kind of stressed out because both my mother and my father seemed to be in a bad mood today. i did get some cool stuff, like a new ring, a new ds game, and a new furby, so that was cool. i didnt really do anything else so im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 19 - 21

20:40

512

hello. short entry for today because i am very tired. i went to therapy today, but that was about it. going to therapy makes me feel better, so hopefully i will be productive soon. goodbye.

3 - 18 - 21

20:40

511

hello. today was blegh. my teeth still hurt, so i didnt really eat today. i got really sad in the middle of the day, but i did get some missing assignments done so im relieved. it was rainy today which was nice. i dont have anything else to say so im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 17 - 21

21:13

510

hello. short entry for today because i did nothing and yet im still tired. i didnt work today either. i just felt very sick today, to be honest. my wisdom teeth pain got worse today, and the medicine i took only lessened the pain a little bit. i cried and freaked out a little bit today too, but thankfully im better now. i got mcdonalds though which was nice. goodbye.

3 - 16 - 21

21:20

509

hello. i was very, very, very unproductive today. my wisdom teeth have been hurting super badly today which has just made me feel like blegh. i also have a motor tic where i smile and tilt my head back, which makes the pain even worse. i also freaked out a little bit today, but i didnt start crying or anything which was good. it was more like i was panicking, although i wasnt panicking over anything in particular. it was weird, but thankfully im okay now. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 15 - 21

20:58

508

hello. well, today was a lot better. i freaked out a little bit but it wasnt as bad as yesterday. i also got a few missing assignments done, although i wish i could have done more... i guess a little is better than nothing. my planner is really helping me out a ton. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 14 - 21

21:38

507

hello. this morning i was so hopeful to get my stuff together and actually do something productive. i really was. after i wrote my previous entry, i opened up the planner my mother had gotten me and started to write stuff i had to do down in it. i was planning on doing work today, and in my defense i did get a few questions done, but around an hour or so ago i just broke and started crying. i finally stopped crying a few minutes ago, i hope. i dont think i have the strength to complete my assignment. i just want to go to bed. goodbye.

3 - 13 - 21

21:55

506

hello. today was... a mess in the beginning, but i feel a lot better now. i was freaking out and pacing around earlier today because of cramps and just general sadness, but now i feel okay. i wanted to get work done today, but i think maybe i will start tomorrow. goodbye.

3 - 12 - 21

19:44

505

hello. today was really good. i went to see my therapist today, and she gave me a mandala coloring book and colored pencils. i thanked her for it, and i actually started to color it in when i got home. the drawings are super pretty. there isnt really much i want to share, so goodbye for now.

3 - 11 - 21

21:45

504

hello. i dont really remember what happened today, to be honest. i... think i laid down? i didnt really freak out today, thankfully. goodbye.

3 - 10 - 21

22:12

503

hello. quick entry because im very tired. there isnt much to say for today, really. i freaked out a little today but im alright now. goodbye.

3 - 9 - 21

20:30

502

hello. today was alright. i went to see the psychiatrist and the dentist again today, but other than that i didnt really do much. my brain just started freaking out a few minutes ago so im just going to end this entry here so i can go lay down and calm down. goodbye.

3 - 8 - 21

20:11

501

hello. well, let me start off by calling today what it was: a nightmare. a long, terrifying, and downright incoherent nightmare. i immediately knew something was wrong a little while after i woke up this morning, so i spent a good portion of today laying down and trying to sleep through it all, but that didnt work. i was crying a lot, and i just felt so frantic. thinking about all the work i wasnt doing didnt exactly help. after a while of freaking out, something in me snapped, and i just made a complete mess of my room. i shaved some of my eyebrows, and was genuinely considering cutting off parts of my hair. im... somewhat calmer now, i think, but theres still a bit of that franticness in me, especially when i see now how many assignments i have due today. i dont even care anymore. whats the point of completing my work when theres just going to be more tomorrow? im not learning anything. im still dumb. my family is going to be outraged at me when they find out im not doing my assignments but i just cant bring myself to do anything productive anymore. im so lazy. im sorry. maybe i will do something productive soon. goodbye.

3 - 7 - 21

22:12

500

hello. okay. sorry about that. ive decided to stop... "resting my eyes" before writing my entries. anyways, today was... meh. it wasnt really eventful, although i did get to peel shrimp with my mother today, which i love to do. other than that, though, i just laid down, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

01:20

499

hello. im horribly sorry, i laid down to rest my eyes a little and i ended up oversleeping so i missed yesterdays entry. in my defense, i had a lot to do yesterday. i had to go to the dentist and then i got to go to two thrift stores, and i even stopped at a place for pizza. it was a lot of fun. i got a new pair of sunglasses, a new eyeglass chain, a ring, and two DS games, one of which was a favorite game of mine that i used to have but i lost. needless to say, im super excited about that. anyways, there isnt really much else to say for yesterday, so im going to end this entry here. im going to have to do that old thing i did where i would occasionally post two entries in one day. i havent done that in a looong time. goodbye.

3 - 5 - 21

22:14

498

hello. today was okay, i think. i went to therapy today and cried my eyes out, so i feel a bit better. i also got burger king for dinner which was nice. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so goodbye.

3 - 4 - 21

23:16

497

hello. again, i just... havent been doing anything these past few days. im not even trying to keep up anymore. im so tired all the time, and i just really hope this feeling stops because i have work to do. goodbye.

3 - 3 - 21

23:38

496

hello. another quick entry. i didnt really do anything today. goodbye.

3 - 2 - 21

23:00

495

hello. well, i did nothing today, but i feel pretty numb right now. like, im upset that im not doing any work, but im just... i dont know. goodbye for now.

3 - 1 - 21

22:18

494

hello. i didnt do much today either, and im really tired so goodbye.

2 - 28 - 21

23:22

493

hello. another short entry because i just woke up from a nap. i didnt do much today. i just laid down, i think. goodbye.

2 - 27 - 21

21:59

492

hello. today was really nice, but i feel like im going to start crying now. i got to leave the house and go to a vinyl store. ive never owned any vinyls before, but i got one today and i was super excited about it. i also got to talk to my friend today which made me happy, but a huge wave of sadness just hit me and now i cant stop crying. ugh. goodbye.

2 - 26 - 21

20:06

491

hello. short entry for today because i just woke up from a nap and im still sleepy. today was amazing. i went to go to see my new therapist today, and she is so nice. i told her how i feel and she listened to me and accepted me. when i got home, i felt so happy i thought i was going to cry. my mother also made a dinner tonight that i really enjoy. all in all, today was fantastic. goodbye for now.

2 - 25 - 21

23:16

490

hello. i cant remember much from today. i think i felt really good today, though, which was good. i didnt do anything notable though so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 24 - 21

21:50

489

hello. i actually felt really good today, thankfully. i had fish for dinner tonight, and a new season was announced for sky: children of the light, so im super excited about that. i didnt really do much today so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 23 - 21

22:37

488

hello. today was half bad half good, but im kind of sad right now so i dont want to talk. my brain just keeps being funky these days. goodbye.

2 - 22 - 21

22:33

487

hello. today was blegh. it rained though so that was nice. i just laid in bed and cried a bit, i think, so goodbye.

2 - 21 - 21

23:34

486

hello. well, today wasnt very good. it was the last day of my break and i spent it feeling horrible and tired, for some reason. im still very tired and i didnt do much so im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 20 - 21

22:26

485

hello. super quick entry for today because im really sleepy and i keep yawning. i mostly played minecraft with my friend today, really. i need to work tomorrow. goodbye.

2 - 19 - 21

22:20

484

hello. i didnt work today either. i keep telling myself that im going to work and then i get too embarrassed to look at what i have to do. i also was in a pretty bad mood in the middle of the day. today started off great, suddenly became horrible, and then became fine. it was really weird, but thankfully im okay now. i dont have anything else to say, so goodbye.

2 - 18 - 21

22:29

483

hello. short entry for today because im very tired, and also because not much happened. it mostly just snowed, really. im getting frustrated with myself for not working, too. ugh. goodbye for now.

2 - 17 - 21

21:11

482

hello. today was kind of meh. i got my hair cut which was nice, but i kept freaking out today for no reason. i just got off of a call with my friends, though, so i feel a lot better. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 16 - 21

22:46

481

hello. not much to say for today because i slept all day. goodbye.

2 - 15 - 21

20:29

480

hello. well, today was a bit sad for some reason but im still getting better! like, i was upset today, but it wasnt as bad as it used to be. i just laid in bed all day so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 14 - 21

21:49

479

hello. well, i had absolutely horrible cramps today, but today still ended up being good somehow. i spent most of today talking to my friends. also, since today is valentines day, my mother got me this incredibly soft stuffed bear that im super happy about. all in all, if i look past my intense pain that lasted for a few hours, today was really good. goodbye.

2 - 13 - 21

19:51

478

hello. i felt really happy today which just feels so weird to me now. like, im feeling less and less sad with each day it seems. it is amazing, but it just feels off to me because ive gotten used to enduring each day. anyways, i didnt do much other than pace around today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 12 - 21

22:10

477

hello. well, today was weird. i actually feel quite alright. i mean, i mightve been a bit sad earlier and i didnt even do any work, but i just feel... fine now. im really glad because recently my days have just been awful. it is nice to have a day where i just feel fine. also, i dont have any school for a while so im really, really, really, really, really relieved about that. lets see if i can decrease my workload a bit. goodbye.

2 - 11 - 21

22:44

476

hello. i was sad today. i couldnt bring myself to do any work because im just ashamed to look at all of my missing assignments. im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 10 - 21

22:56

475

hello. well, i was kind of sad today even though it was my birthday. i got a new furby which made me happy, but im still sad in general. i dont really know what to say for today, unfortunately... goodbye.

2 - 9 - 21

22:07

474

hello. today was pretty alright. i went to see the psychiatrist today which made me feel a lot better and hopeful, but i ended up hitting my head as i got into my car to go there. it left a bump and i was fine for a while, but when i got home i realized i felt sick and tired so i laid down for a bit. i feel better now but it kinda worried me. anyways, thats pretty much all i did today so i can just end this entry here. tomorrow is my birthday, so i hope tomorrow is good. goodbye.

2 - 8 - 21

22:21

473

hello. i dont really remember how today went, to be honest. i dont remember what i did either, so i guess i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 7 - 21

23:00

472

hello. welp, today was awful. i felt horrible today and did no work. ugh... goodbye.

2 - 6 - 21

23:10

471

hello. today was actually fairly good, especially considering how i felt last night. i started feeling terrible as i was lying in bed. im starting to notice that if i go to bed when i feel the absolute worst, i wake up feeling rather normal. sleeping really does work wonders for me, i suppose. unfortunately i did no work today, but that isnt exactly a shocker anymore, is it? maybe tomorrow. goodbye for now.

2 - 5 - 21

23:09

470

hello. well, today was... frustrating. i started off today upset, but then my mood suddenly increased around the afternoon and i was so excited and happy, and then it went downhill right before dinner. now im just too tired to feel anything right now. my eyes feel like theyre burning. i dont really know what else there is to say for today, so goodbye.

2 - 4 - 21

22:43

469

hello. nothing for today, i think. blegh. im sorry. goodbye.

2 - 3 - 21

22:25

468

hello. well, completing a few questions counts, right...? ugh. i think i should probably move my laptop to the kitchen again. it helps me work better, but for some reason i hate doing it. it is so weird. im going to end this entry here. goodbye

2 - 2 - 21

23:25

467

hello. i was sad for the entirety of today. i didnt do much, i just laid down and just felt horrible. i dont have much to say other than i hope i can get my work done soon. goodbye.

2 - 1 - 21

22:43

466

hello. um... so... im kind of... at a loss for words... im typing this entry as fast as possible because of something that i will get to soon. it was snowing for the entirety of today and i foolishly thought that today might possibly lift my spirits. quite the opposite happened. i was so, so, so sad right before dinner. my mood suddenly dropped and it was super scary. i dont really talk about this much on here, but sometimes, and especially if im super sad but sometimes it happens randomly, i can have... identity confusion? i think? im not sure what to call it. the person named "mel" will suddenly feel like a distant and far away concept, and while i know that i have to be mel, it doesnt feel right. anyways, i thought i should share that so i dont have to feel like im hiding it. that happened today after feeling super sad, but then after recovering i went to go talk to my friends. i was super happy to talk to them but i started freaking out from the sudden burst in my mood.

and then my laptop broke in the middle of our conversation. i dont know what happened, but everything lagged and my audio started distorting so i tried to restart it and then the stupid support screen popped up. broken technology is so, so, so unbelievably scary. have you ever had a laptop HONK at you before? it frightened me because it was so loud and sudden. anyways, i got my laptop working again, but im so worried everything will lag and distort again so im typing this entry as fast as possible. im also worried about turning my laptop off because i fear it might not turn back on, but oh well...? i mean, everything in my life has been crumbling and burning. being yelled at for breaking my laptop wouldnt do much.

ive found that the constant crashing and burning has made me more... apathetic, if that makes sense? i could break another toe and not even be stressed about it. my laptop could catch on fire right now and i would just be like, "meh. just your regular monday.". whats strange too is that it kicks in sometimes while other times i could drop my pencil and just lose my mind. previously i used to only lose my mind, but now my brain has added this new flavor of reaction called "apathy". i hate it. im going to end this entry now. goodbye.

1 - 31 - 21

21:56

465

hello. today was... um... well. i cant remember, but it was alright i think. im super excited about today being the last day of january since next month is officially mel month (im the one making it official). i dont really have much to say for today, so goodbye.

1 - 30 - 21

20:06

464

hello. well, today was horrible too. i was sad and bored today too, just like yesterday. i dont feel like writing much for this entry since i didnt do that much today. goodbye.

1 - 29 - 21

23:26

463

hello. well, today was... bad? i was pretty scared and just sad and bored all day, but i feel a bit better now. im trying to write up a note for myself on my phone with all the stuff that helps me calm down because im super tired of feeling like this. i dont expect it to cure me but i do hope that it helps. i dont have anything else to say for today, so goodbye for now.

1 - 28 - 21

23:15

462

hello. i gave up on that quiz, and i ended up just falling asleep right there on my bed because i was so upset. i was still upset today, and i spent most of today just sitting in bed and feeling sad. im still sad right now, actually. i only did the one piece of homework that was due today, and that was like, five minutes ago. i am seriously tired. im so done with school. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 27 - 21

23:31

461

hello. i dont remember what i did today, but right now i am very frustrated over this one last piece of homework i need to do. it is a physics quiz, and it is one question with a few different parts. im frustrated because it is lacking so much information. it is something about some spear being thrown, but it only gives the height and the distance of the target, and thats it. it wants me to find stuff like the time in the air and speed and velocity and stuff. i mean, i havent gotten a physics assignment in a while so my brain completely dropped all memory of it, but im like pretty sure that there isnt enough information. like, ive spent the past half hour googling and it seems like it is missing a big piece of information. well, i should probably end this entry so i can go try to figure it out. to be honest, i dont care if i fail my classes anymore. i just want to lay in bed forever. okay, goodbye.

1 - 26 - 21

22:55

460

hello. an actually short entry this time because it didnt even feel like today existed. i really just floated around today, i think. i cant remember much. i do remember it snowing, though, which was nice. goodbye.

1 - 25 - 21

22:58

459

hello. okay, short entry for today because my laptop is laggy and also because i didnt do much today. i had a... nightmare last night? i say that as a question since i didnt immediately wake up crying, and i didnt feel too distressed in the dream. basically i had a dream about watching my old group of friends throw a party, and i stood and watched as they had a ton of fun without me. they werent ignoring me on purpose, they just didnt recognize me, i think. i woke up from this dream feeling incredibly nervous and scared, and it took me a while to figure out that it was because of the dream, and then thats when i started crying. it all went downhill from there, really. im starting to notice that if i spend most of a day not talking to someone, i begin to freak out. it has happened before, and it happened today. i started talking with my friends near the end of the day so i feel a lot better now. okay, oops, i just realized that this entry isnt all that short. goodbye for now.

1 - 24 - 21

23:33

458

hello. well, i did almost nothing today. thats an improvement, right? i did the one assignment that was due today and that was it. hopefully i actually do more work tomorrow. goodbye.

1 - 23 - 21

23:32

457

hello. i did absolutely nothing today. no, literally, i just laid in bed. im a bit sad i did that because of the work i need to get done, but i felt really... blegh all day. i think i will get stuff done tomorrow. hopefully. anyways, because i did nothing all day i dont really have much to say for today. goodbye.

1 - 22 - 21

22:49

456

hello. well, it seemed like the coffee wasnt finished with me yet last night. i didnt mention it since i was running out of time and it was also happening while i was writing the previous entry, but i was struck with the biggest epiphany ever. unfortunately, it is... kind of hard to describe? and it is also pretty personal so i couldnt even go into detail even if i could muster the words. basically, i think i understood every single thing about me...? i mean, that cant be possible, but thats what i felt like. the feeling kind of lasted into today, too, but it wasnt as strong as last night. it is this incredibly overpowering positive feeling of just... understanding? it was really, really weird, and for the first time in a few years i actually felt like myself. of course i lost most of the feeling overnight but as i said, it carried into today faintly. i felt really... confident today? i dont know. i just felt like everything was going to be alright, which i kind of need now more than ever. i dont really know what else to say for this entry since i mostly just worked. im... a bit embarrassed to admit this, but working in the kitchen instead of in my room cleared up a lot of problems. anyways, im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 21 - 21

23:54

455

hello. today was... sad. i cried more today, but i did some work. i... decided to drink some coffee earlier, which i dont usually do because coffee worsens my tics but i felt confident and i wanted to get work done and... it was... alright at first. i got super excited and i was all energetic, but after a while my mood suddenly dropped and i started crying again. i only stopped crying a few minutes ago. it is really weird because i thought i was pretty okay before i drank the coffee. obviously im not going to try coffee again, at least for a while. i dont really know what else to say for today. today felt like a weird, weird haze... goodbye.

1 - 20 - 21

23:54

454

hello. well, i feel a bit better now. im still tired and sad, but i feel better. im really running out of time, but thankfully i didnt do much today. i still need to work but im still struggling unfortunately. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 19 - 21

22:55

453

hello, short entry again for today because im sadder. today was bland and horrible and i cried a lot i think. i couldnt do much work. maybe tomorrow will be better. goodbye.

1 - 18 - 21

23:29

452

hello. i didnt do much work today either. im a bit confused right now too because it seems like yesterday and today are blending in with eachother. all i want to do is get my work done, but i just keep staring at what i need to do instead of doing it. im getting a sudden bout of sadness now, so im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 17 - 21

23:34

451

hello. before i start this entry and i end up forgetting to mention this, apparently the owner of the dog was found. anyways, onto today... ugh. i only did like two assignments today. this... this is going to take a while. i keep getting distracted or confused, and im also just worried in general about whats going to happen. um... maybe tomorrow? fingers crossed? goodbye.

1 - 16 - 21

23:12

450

hello. well, today was eventful. again. dont get me wrong, i hate boring entries, but i sorta had my world turned upside down yesterday and i would appreciate it if things could slow down. anyways, onto what happened.

i went to the thrift store today, which... surprised me at first. my father had told me yesterday that we werent going to go until i completed all my work, so i had already accepted the fact that i wouldnt return in a while. then this morning he told me that if i was doing my work, which i said yes to, that we could go. i quickly realized that this was an opportunity for him to ask me more questions, but i was alright. i... feel a little better around my family now. im still wary since i dont know what is going to happen, but i feel a bit more relaxed. anyways, onto what i got from the thrift store. i got a furby and a mcdonalds furby, and also this really big stuffed bear. im super duper happy about what i got today.

thats where the entry content was supposed to end, but today wanted to end with a surprise, i suppose. my sister and her friend found a dog on the side of the road, and now theyre going to take them to the vet... okay. now that i think about it, that isnt even that big of a deal. oops...? whatever, i was super duper excited so i threw on a coat and ran outside to see the dog but then they got upset at me and told me to go back inside since my hair is still wet from my shower. im really tired now and there isnt much else to say about today so im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 15 - 21

22:57

449

hello. ummm... today was... wow. where do i even begin? well, for starters, my family found out about my missing assignments. i mean, it really was bound to happen eventually. i was pretty much living on borrowed time. luckily it happened when my sister wasnt home so i had less questioning to endure. as i was expecting, i immediately broke down crying and told them about how horrible ive been feeling, which was... scary, knowing their history of just ignoring my pain. my mother told me she will take me to see someone, but as of right now i sort of have to wait to see how everything will play out. in my honest opinion, i dont think anything majorly positive will be done. this entire thing played out like how i came out in the summer of 2019, and that was... pretty painful. i ended up just stifling myself ever since because i realized no one would listen to me. i fear it will be like that, where i just end up shutting up because it takes less effort to go through the motions of daily life than be myself.

to be honest, i worry that this entire situation is just a hole i dug for myself. im scared that all of this isnt real and im just making up excuses to not do my work and be lazy, and that any desires for me to actually complete what im assigned dont exist. this entire thing started after i finished weeks of missing math work within a single day, by the way. i think that caused me to hit my breaking point, but time will never acknowledge breaking points. it will just keep going and going and leave you behind.

well, i guess thats enough of talking about it, i suppose. im not crying, ive just been super tired all day from what happened and i kind of just want to go to bed and sleep. i still want to finish this one assignment before heading to bed, though. then tomorrow i will work on finishing every single assignment as soon as possible... hopefully. fingers crossed i dont get all sad and start daydreaming. i do have hope, though. im just going to end this entry here since im tired. goodbye.

1 - 14 - 21

22:41

448

hello. today was... meh? i was pretty upset a few hours ago, as usual to be honest. i dont really know what else to write because im very tired. i laid down today... and thats about it. more work keeps piling up that im trying to deal with but im just very tired. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 13 - 21

23:11

447

hello. today was um... painful? i guess? but not painful like physical pain like yesterday, but rather... i dont know... mental? during my first class today, i had to speak in the call. this is normally fine, but, um... for whatever reason, i blanked and i couldnt think of any words. it wasnt that i didnt know what i wanted to say, i knew exactly what i wanted to say but i just... when i tried to focus on the words i would use, everything just vanished and my mind was filled with colors instead. i was able to get out a few "yeah"'s and "mhm"'s towards other people talking, but that was about it, really. after i was able to think of words again, my turn had already passed so it didnt even matter, but i began shaking. im not really sure why. it wasnt nervous shaking either, i know what nervous shaking feels like. this was more like sick shaking, like when you have a bad cold or something, but im not sick. i wasnt even warm. i also got a pretty mild headache. i feel better now but that was... scary. i spent the rest of today mostly laying down because i was super shaken up from what happened. im just going to end this entry here since i dont have anything else to say. goodbye.

1 - 12 - 21

23:43

446

hello. short entry for today because ive been in a lot of pain today. i didnt do anything and i had to miss class because my stomach was hurting so bad. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 11 - 21

22:55

445

hello. this entry will probably be short because im tired and also didnt do much today. im... really, really, really upset that im not doing any work. i dont know why but i just cant make myself do anything anymore and the work is just piling up. sometimes i have the strength to look at what i have to do, but then i cant seem to go any further than that. it is making me so frustrated. ugh. whatever. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 10 - 21

21:04

444

hello. well, today was boring, i think. i just laid in bed today, although i was super restless around an hour ago. i felt like i was suddenly filled with energy and i kept moving around for a bit until i had to take a shower and i ended up crying. i feel a lot better now. since not a lot happened today, i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 9 - 21

21:49

443

hello. today was actually sort of eventful. i went to a thrift store with my father today and i ended up getting a new furby and a neopet toy. it was super fun, but my mood was a bit dampened because my tics have been really bad today. while my tics do suck in general, they suck especially in public since, you know, no one else knows me and they just see my eyes rolling around in my head and my neck jerking and all of those weird movements. during the drive home, i ended up venting about it a bit to my father, which is... kind of rare for me to do. i mean, ever since my family rejected me after i came out, i made the conscious decision to emotionally run away from them, if that makes any sense. it is also kind of why i seem to talk about being miserable on here a lot, i think. it seems like everytime i try to open myself up to them, they hurt me. thats why me venting about my tics to my father was rare (and also kind of dumb) for me to do. every time i bring up my tics, they tell me to stop talking about it or they think im making a big deal out of it. i dont really see how i can "make a big deal about it" when it literally affects me daily...

it was a really, really weird shock to me when he was actually understanding. we talked a little bit and i began mentally rejoicing since this was the first time in a looong time where i emotionally opened up and didnt immediately receive a sucker punch to the heart. when we got home, i ate in the kitchen before retreating to my room. i laid in bed and thought for a while. dont mistake this for me trusting them, by the way. it will be a long time before i ever even think about pulling a stunt like that again. it just felt so nice to be heard.

anyways, as usual i should stop now since im tearing up. thankfully i didnt do much today other than that stuff, so i can just end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 8 - 21

23:30

442

hello. today i was in a really, really weird daze. i can say with a great deal of certainty that i really did just spend today in bed. i was too tired to really do much. my stomach also keeps hurting for some reason. eugh. oh well. at least the weekend is tomorrow. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 7 - 21

23:47

441

hello. today was fine. i cant really remember, but i think i did alright today. i just cant wait for the weekend, to be honest. goodbye.

1 - 6 - 21

22:59

440

hello. today was meh too, i think. i cant remember. i just stayed in bed. i unfortunately dont really have much to say for today... goodbye.

1 - 5 - 21

23:23

439

hello. today was pretty... meh, to be honest. i freaked out some more today, especially later in the day. im honestly reaching a point where im freaking out because im freaking out so much. it is a terrible cycle. all i want is for summer to come so i at least dont have to be missing and putting little effort into my assignments while this is happening. oh well... all i can really do is wait, i guess. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 4 - 21

22:50

438

hello. well, i want this entry to be short because im super tired, but today was... pretty bad, i think. i did no work and freaked out for a good portion of the day. im okay now, but im just frustrated. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 3 - 21

20:06

437

hello. yeah. just as i was expecting, i didnt do anything today. in my defense, i suddenly got hit with a horrible mood in the middle of the day. im not exactly sure what started it either. one minute i was fine, and then the next i felt sad and horrible. after a while of feeling sad and horrible, i was suddenly filled with a ton of energy for some reason, and then i went right back to sadness, and now im... normal? i think? it was kind of scary, to be honest. i was crying for no reason. like, i was just sobbing and i didnt know why. luckily im better now, but god do i hate when my brain decides it is a good time to just flip flop on me. anyways, i should probably just end this entry here since i dont have anything else to talk about for today. goodbye.

1 - 2 - 21

23:14

436

hello. i didnt do any work today either... to be honest, ive already accepted my fate of still having missing work when my break ends. if i can make it through my math test, then i will be fine. i think. hopefully. anyways, today was... alright? sort of? i was fine most of the day, then i broke down crying in the shower over some old stuff, but now im okay again. it was weird. well, this is usually the part where i go "oh boy, i sure do hope i get some work done tomorrow" and then inevitably get little to no work done the following day, so here i go: oh boy, i sure do hope i get some work done tomorrow. there. lets see what ends up happening tomorrow. i dont really remember anything else from today that is noteworthy, so im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 1 - 21

19:43

435

hello, and oh my god... this is amazing. i just moved all of my 2020 entries to their own separate page, and the lag immediately cleared up. this is incredible. anyways, enough of me celebrating. onto what happened last night! to be honest, i... did not want to celebrate new years last night. im not really sure why, although i think it was because my stomach was hurting pretty badly. i came out to the living room anyways and just sort of sat there in wait for the last ten minutes of 2020. whats scary to me is that i snuck a peek at my new years entry from last year, and i had remarked about how it felt like new years for the year before that felt like it was just yesterday or something to that effect... it is a bit worrisome for me because i dont remember that new years that "felt like it was just yesterday" anymore. to get back on track, after the clock hit midnight, i retreated back to my room since my stomach was still hurting.

woah... another paragraph for an entry! i havent done one of these in a while. cool! anyways, to talk about today, it was... oh. great. the first entry without lag in a long time and i cant remember what happened. i think today was... bad? but not really? i think today was one of those days where i just sorta exist. my break ends really soon, and im super frustrated because im still not done with all my unfinished work and i have a math test waiting for me on the day i get back. how endearing. hopefully i will get some more progress done in the next few days... unfortunately, i dont have anything else to share. such a shame, too, because now i can type quickly. oh well... tomorrow is another day! goodbye.

2019

2020