10 - 15 - 19

the canvas

the shrines

11 - 12 - 19

3:07 PM


good afternoon. thankfully, my body decided to end my left hip pain, however in return it started to make my left knee hurt instead. personally, im actually completely fine with that switch, mainly because my knee only hurts when i walk, while my hip was hurting no matter what i did. today was actually quite fine, however i did have a moment where i zoned out really badly. it happened while i was trying to walk down the stairs so i thought i was going to fall. i didnt, thankfully, but it scared me. my english teacher also didnt give back the essays today. i suppose he didnt want to interrupt the movie we are watching. it also started to snow during my english class. whenever it starts to snow during a class, i think it is hilarious how one person shouts "snow!", and then everyone starts shouting and trying to crowd the windows. of course, it isnt that funny to my ears, but oh well.

anyways, i want to lay down now, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 11 - 19

4:31 PM


good afternoon. again, i remained in bed for most of today. also, i didnt mention this on friday, mainly because i thought it would just go away like it did last time, but do you remember the memory i shared about my left hip hurting? well, the pain has come back, but in a different and stronger way.

on friday, i was lying down as i usually do when i get home on a friday, when i got that same funny feeling coming into my left hip again. i dismissed it, but then of course it gradually became stronger and stronger until it was so bad that i was involuntarily gasping. the pain from all those years ago never did this, or at least as far as i can remember. it got so bad that i couldnt remain still, and i was tossing and turning every few seconds because it would get worse the longer i stayed still, like the last time i got the hip pain. my mother gave me some medicine, and it actually started to work, however after a while the pain slowly started to creep back. i wrote my entry on friday when the pain was starting to come back. a few hours after my entry, my mother finally decided that i should go to the doctor since i was making noises that i have probably never made before in my life. i typically dread going to the doctor, especially when it is dark outside. have you ever realized that whenever you or someone else is having a medical emergency, it always occurs in the middle of the night? anyways, i had to force myself to get up and get dressed. funnily enough, while everyone was concerned about my health, i was standing in my room, debating over what i should wear to the doctors office.

of course, when i got to the doctor, the pain wasnt even that bad anymore, however i had to wait for maybe around half an hour in the waiting room. when i finally got seen, the doctor just prodded me and concluded that if it didnt hurt when she poked me, then it probably was something that could wait, and that i should just get a urine sample, which didnt work out. as i expected, my mother got angry at the situation. usually when my mother is frustrated, she denies any anger while having the classic "i am enraged" look on her face, which didnt exactly help my situation. since there wasnt really anything else we could do, we went home. since then, the pain has been coming back every morning, so i have to basically lay down with a hot water bottle until it goes away, which could take anywhere from an hour to maybe five hours. i was planning on staying in bed all weekend, but this completely settled it. i would describe the pain as actually being one of the worst sensations in my life. i dont think ive ever involuntarily let out noises because something hurt so much. the pain came back this morning, so i tried to drink some water to see if i was just dehydrated (i dont know why dehydration would manifest as hip pain, i was just so desperate to find the solution), and the pain increased somehow.

right now, the pain is gone, which is good. i didnt really mention the pain before because i really thought it was just some random pain that i occasionally get where something really hurts, before going away mysteriously the next day or two. other than the entire weekend being filled with inescapable agony, i would say this weekend went okay. i mean, since i have too much freetime over the weekend, i usually overthink and make myself incredibly upset. i guess the pain was physical this time around. i feel gross and sickly, but i also suppose the pain made me overlook things that i would usually fixate on. im going to try to be present for school tomorrow, mainly because work i probably wont understand will start piling up, and then ill never want to do anything productive ever again. anyways, i have nothing else that i really want to talk about, so goodbye.

11 - 10 - 19

6:49 PM


hello. as i predicted yesterday, i spent the majority of my day today in bed. i am completely and utterly dreading tuesday, because i dont want to try to assimilate back into society after doing absolutely nothing productive for a few days. also, i wont be too pleased to greet the work waiting for me on tuesday, as well as the essay that my english teacher has probably already graded. im a bit sad because im starting to hate my schedule more and more. im not saying i thought my schedule was perfect, but i was really excited for this year simply because my schedule sounded amazing. i was especially excited for my music class, and then it turned out that the electronics that were supposed to be there on the first day... werent there. only now are they starting to be installed and plugged in. also, getting through gym class is a nightmare. my class after gym is placed all the way across the school, so i have to move quick so i can get there on time. history and english are also terrible. my english class being horrible makes me especially sad because i love to write. i love to write creative stories and such, but in english class you are seated and told to write essays about things you do not care about. sometimes i think about trying to become an author when i am older, but then i fear that if my books become popular, will someone just like me be forced to sit and overanalyze the things i wrote with no greater intention behind them? anyways, im running out of energy and i want to sleep now, so i will stop here. goodbye.

11 - 9 - 19

6:40 PM


hello. nothing majorly spectacular happened, to be honest. i dont have school on monday, so i will probably just be lying in my bed like a slug until i have to get up for school on tuesday. also, theres something that i forgot to mention a few days ago. i dont remember when it happened, it might have been yesterday or the day before yesterday, but i had one of those weird epiphanies where you realize that youre alive and nobody will ever have your exact life experiences. im never able to recreate this feeling, but i will sometimes get it if i stare in the mirror for too long, or if i think about the people i know for too long. i got it when i was looking out of the bus window on my way to school. nothing in particular caused it to happened, but it just washed over me unexpectedly. this feeling usually goes away after a few seconds and i can never get it to come back. its mostly a good feeling, but theres an odd undertone of sadness to it. anyways, it is late and im tired, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 8 - 19

5:17 PM


hello. this entry will probably be short because im tired. today was good, but this morning i had a nightmare. in the middle of the nightmare i became lucid, but usually when i become lucid during a nightmare i usually try to wake myself up because i dont want to risk the nightmare becoming even worse. i had two false awakenings during the dream, where i woke up inside the dream, before falling back asleep into the dream. since i couldnt really wake myself up, i managed to make myself fly outside. i was rising into the air and i could feel the sun on my back, and then i woke up. apparently the nightmare was short, so i woke up at around two in the morning, so i just laid in bed until i fell back asleep. other than that, today wasnt that remarkable to be honest. i handed in my english essay so ill just have to wait and see what i get on it. thats all i have to say for today. goodbye.

11 - 7 - 19

7:37 PM


hello. i was actually feeling quite well today until my final class came by. it turns out my english essay was due today and i didnt have it, so i got ten points deducted from my final score. in all honesty, i feel like my english teacher is targeting me. obviously it is my fault that i didnt have my essay, but everytime he speaks to the class he always stares at me. occasionally he will turn to look at someone else for a split second, before turning his eyes right back to me. it creeps me out, mainly because im a bit self-conscious of my tics. also, after he had collected everyones papers, he called me up to specifically ask me if my printer had simply malfunctioned, even after i had told him while he was collecting the papers that i had forgotten that it was due today. the rant he went on leading up to him asking us for our papers was quite comical. it looked like a dramatic scene straight out of a movie. he went on and on about how this paper is a very important paper (it isnt. its just one of those papers where you explain how the author used a certain technique to prove some main theme), and that any late papers will automatically have ten points deducted from their final score, and so on. i had to finish my essay today, with the help of my sister. i needed six hundred words, while my paper only had four hundred. we somehow managed to get my paper to over six hundred words, so im just going to hand in my essay tomorrow and hope that i get at least a ninety.

during my final class i was upset because i thought i was going to be able to skate by without getting annoyed. my friend had to stay after today so i sat on the bus alone. on my bus ride home, we passed a bench with a little boy and presumably his father on it. the boy was looking at all of us and smiling, so i smiled and waved, and he started to wave back. after he started waving, we passed him completely. after that encounter, i immediately felt happy again. for some reason, i cant seem to express emotions in a way that other people do it. if i get even just a little bit happy, i start vibrating, get bursts of energy, and i become very talkative and energetic. the problem with me being too happy is that my family hates it if im too energetic, so their bad mood will keep my happiness in check. if i get sad or angry, i cant get the emotions out until it is too late. you would think that it would come out like my happiness, but i think i might just be deathly afraid of people seeing me angry or upset. people usually dont see me sad or angry until i am a sobbing, screaming heap on the floor. ive heard this before but i forgot where, but for some very odd reason, the straw that breaks the camels back always comes at the most inconvenient time.

because of this problem, in the past i would simply take days off just so i wouldnt freak out in the middle of school. the problem with that is that staying home can make me upset, because of all the work i have to catch up on, so i would really just be adding to my problems. also, once im absent for the first time, i never want to go back to my regular routine ever again. since ive decided to not do that this year, i am really struggling to hold it together. i know i have the weekends to try to calm myself down, but i have my entire family in my house while doing so, and they love to be loud and barge into my room without even knocking first. anyways, i havent even finished the rest of my homework so ill end this incredibly long entry here. goodbye.

11 - 6 - 19

7:32 PM


hello. this entry might be a little short because i still need to finish my homework. anyways, i was angry again today. the anger started in my fourth class and peaked at my final class. i got so angry i thought i was going to start crying. we were working at tables in the library so of course my english teacher decided to sit next to me while i was trying incredibly hard to not explode. to add to all this, my left hip decided to ache tremendously while i was trying to shower later in the day, while i was still angry. this pain actually caused a forgotten memory to resurface.

a few years ago, a few hours after i had woken up one morning, i started to get a weird feeling in my left hip. do you know how your throat feels the day before you get a sore throat? thats what it felt like, but it was in my hip. the feeling soon became pain, and the pain increased until it was so painful that i was on the verge of tears. back then, when i was in pain, i would just stay in bed until it went away, however this pain made me walk around in circles over and over, mainly because it hurt if i remained still. my mother was out shopping and my father and sister were still sleeping, so i just paced around in circles, occasionally going into the bathroom, i suppose to see if there was anything that could stop the pain. when my mother returned, my entire family was awake, and they could see i was on the verge of crying. i dont remember them doing much to help, to be quite honest. they suggested it was the food i had eaten the day before. for the entire day, i was trying incredibly hard to ignore the pain. since it hurt if i was still, i was doing sit-ups in my bed over and over again until the pain began to slowly fade away. the pain was gone for maybe half an hour before it slowly came back. i dont know if it went away when i had to sleep, or if i managed to fall asleep through the pain, but it was gone the next day. nobody in my house has mentioned it since, until today when i had asked my mother about it and she said, "oh, yeah, i remember that.".

like i said in the beginning, i really need to do my homework, so ill stop here. goodbye.

11 - 5 - 19

7:46 AM


good morning. i forgot to mention this yesterday, but i dont have school today. of course, when i get to stay home all day, drama erupts. yesterday my mother admitted to my sister that she ate some halloween candy despite having condemned halloween. my sister and i got angry because she was being hypocritical, and that she shouldnt celebrate halloween and then condemn it whenever she sees fit. my mother behaves in a funny way where if we both get angry at her for something, she will yell at us and say something along the lines of, "i raised you, clothed you, fed you, and this is how you treat me? i raised my children right.". well, i would sure hope you would clothe and feed your child, but if you do something wrong, your child has the right to tell you that what you did was wrong. when i was trying to sleep last night, she went into my bedroom and dropped a bunch of laundry on my bed before angrily stomping out. usually she puts the clothes away, but i didnt mind getting up and putting my clothes away. in fact, it forced me to get up and do something ive been thinking about doing for a while. a while ago i read that journals dont have to be fancy and neat in order to be helpful. my last journal (i had decided to name my journal, her name is lollipop) was incredibly neat before my mother discovered it. after my mother discovered it i stopped writing because i was too embarrassed to continue on. last night i grabbed a new book and started a new journal. this one doesnt have a name. instead of writing complete sentences i write down gibberish thoughts that come in the moment. of course, my first entry was... very angry and sad. i also mentioned things that had no correlation to what was going on. to be honest, im not sure if i would mind my mother finding this one. some thoughts are very coherent while others make no sense. if she actually found this, then she would probably take me to therapy for the third time, and then take me out before i could feel any better like she always does. then again, since it is somewhat gibberish, would she even be able to understand what i was feeling?

my mother is still angry. my sister told my mother that they need to leave in fifteen minutes, because my mother drives my sister to school, and my mother just glared at her. im going to go write in my journal now. goodbye.

11 - 4 - 19

4:57 PM


good afternoon. last night i had thought i had finished all of my homework, but it turns out i forgot to write the essay for history that i had talked about a while ago, so i quickly finished it during my lunch. not much happened today other than that, but this morning i kept daydreaming about doing things i want to do that my family doesnt want me to do. for example, i really want to walk to the bus stop in the morning rather than being drove there. i know that they just dont want me to get robbed, kidnapped, or have any other horrible thing a person can do to another person done to me, but for some reason i feel like i would be so much happier. i also really want to live in a quiet neighborhood where no one knows who i am. the house where my grandparents live is probably the perfect example. everytime i visit their house, which is actually quite rare, i feel a wave of melancholy and peacefulness wash over me. i cant explain it, but everytime i visit i feel like im trying to choke back tears. i think it might be nostalgia, but the deafening silence of their neighborhood is eerie.

i think i want to be independent. fear holds me back from learning a lot of life skills, like cooking. i desperately want to learn how to cook but i cant even trust myself to do something someone asks me to do without messing it up. i fear that if i try to cook, i will burn the house down, but i need to learn how to cook in order to be independent. i want to learn how to drive, but what if i hit someone with my car? i thought that maybe i could learn how to ride a bike, but what if someone steals my bike? then i thought that i could walk to places, but what if someone robs me, kidnaps me, or does any other horrible thing a person can do to another person to me? also, walking isnt very practical if you need to go somewhere that is too far away to walk to. dont even get me started about airplanes. i would say any form of transportation terrifies me. humanity could develop the first teleportation pad during my lifetime and everyone would be using it without a single problem, but i would be the one lone person worrying.

anyways, i think ive tired myself out just by worrying, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 3 - 19

11:15 AM


hello. im very sorry about not posting yesterday. i was staying at my friends house, and i had impulsively asked to sleep over, which they allowed me to do. yesterday morning i had fallen asleep on top of my hand, so when i woke up i couldnt move my hand for a good minute or so, which freaked me out a little. ive had that happen before, but it always catches me off guard whenever it happens. i had a lot of fun at my friends house at first, but i think i need to remind myself that i shouldnt stay over other peoples houses for too long, because it started to get less and less fun as time went on. this was the house of the friend who didnt go trick-or-treating with me this halloween, by the way. i had made plans before she decided to not go with me, so i thought i should just stick with it. whenever i feel very happy, i become very impulsive, so even though i knew i would regret sleeping over, i had asked anyways, so my dad had to come and drop off my clothes. i dont have a full-body mirror at home, while my friend does, so everytime i go into my friends bathroom, i always look at how weird i look.

last night was... very uncomfortable. my friends mother took out the inflatable beds they inflate in the middle of the living room whenever they have guests, and while it is very amazing to watch them inflate, sleeping on them is a different story. i used to love them, but i guess as ive gotten bigger its just been more and more awkward. not to mention i had to sleep with pants on, which i dont normally do, so i felt sweaty. the blanket i was given felt like velvet, but it didnt do much for warmth, so i somehow felt hot and cold at the same time. i also sleep holding a bunch of pillows, so trying to sleep with one was a nightmare. i usually fall asleep by daydreaming until i pass out, but since i wasnt in my bed, my brain got confused so i couldnt really daydream. i had to wait until my brain decided to finally go to sleep. my friend slept on the other bed, and i guess during the night it deflated, so she had moved to the couch. her legs were positioned right where my head was, so in the middle of the night she kicked me straight in the head. i woke up, but i kept myself still because i really just wanted to fall back into a dream. i cant tell if i had a dream or a nightmare last night, to be honest. in the dream i was playing a trivia game, but since it was a dream i simply couldnt win. i became unreasonably angry in the dream, so much so that i woke up crying.

after waking up every few hours i finally decided to get up and go get changed into some normal clothes. as i was standing up, my friends cat suddenly started vomiting on the kitchen floor and on someones bag. my family has cats as well, and usually when they vomit during the night one of us will hear and we will go clean it up. i woke my friend and told her what happened, and she simply shooed me away saying that her cat does that all the time, and she fell back asleep. i really wanted to go and clean it up, as standing around cat vomit isnt the most pleasant experience, however i was afraid someone would catch me looking for some sort of cleaning spray i can use to clean up the cat vomit, and think that i was snooping around. i texted my sister to see what she thought i should do, but she never texted me back, so i just ignored it until her mother woke up, and then i told her mother.

in all honesty, the sleepover stopped being fun when i tried to fall asleep. i had realized that i had made a big mistake the second i changed into my pajamas. i also didnt eat very healthy over there. i had fast food for dinner and candy for breakfast. i had asked to be picked up earlier than i usually get picked up when i sleep over, just because i was so tired. when my dad picked me up, he told me that the rest of our family is doing a garage sale. my sister had texted me about it yesterday, however i assumed the garage sale was yesterday. nope, it is today. so as im sitting here, typing this, my mother is outside trying to sell stuff. my mother had asked us if she should give people "a ticket to jesus" with each purchase, and thankfully we managed to convince her to not do that.

thats actually pretty much everything that has happened since yesterday morning. also, i think this is my biggest entry yet, probably because i missed my entry for yesterday. i was actually considering writing an entry yesterday morning, but i couldnt think about what i should talk about. im very sad that i decided to stay at my friends house, to be honest. reaching the weekend can be very hard, and i chose to spend the majority of my weekend in a place that became more and more uncomfortable as time went on. anyways, ill write tomorrow, goodbye.

11 - 1 - 19

4:05 PM


good afternoon. im incredibly happy that today is friday. i was ticcing really bad today, to the point where i could barely focus on the work in front of me because my eyes were darting around. while i was walking to my fourth class, i realized that i was walking incredibly slow. i only realized this because people were starting to walk around me, so i tried to speed up my pace, but no matter how fast i tried to walk, i felt like i was stuck at a slow walking speed. there was nobody in front of me, too, so it wasnt like i was blocked from walking faster. i felt pretty absentminded for the majority of the day, so im pretty sure that i was speeding up and i just didnt realize it, but it felt pretty freaky. i also got very angry during my third class, because the teacher was ignoring me, and the anger didnt go away until the beginning of my seventh class. i didnt even care that much about the teacher ignoring me, but for some reason the anger wouldnt leave me alone. if today wasnt friday, the rest of the week would be horrific. anyways, im pretty exhausted from today, so goodbye.

10 - 31 - 19

4:04 PM


hello, and happy halloween. my friend decided to go with her mother's friend's nephew instead of with me today. what an absolute shocker. i had stressed and worried about my outfit for today, and at the last minute she decides that she wants to go with someone else. my father and sister had actually gone out and bought me some things to wear. now im not going because i feel awkward trick-or-treating alone. originally i was just going to ignore that and go by myself, but ive realized that i dont want to suffer the embarassment. also, i spend a lot of time during school walking. am i going to really want to walk around my entire neighborhood just so i can stand awkwardly at peoples' door and ask for candy? really. my friend isnt very nice to me sometimes. like yesterday, i forgot to mention this because i was so caught up with my outfit for today, i had slipped and fell in some mud during a photography club meeting. my hands were completely dirty, so i needed someone to help open the door to one of the bathrooms in the school. she was supposed to do this, yet she kept going to her other friends and taking photos with them while i was trying to find the bathroom. im not saying i needed someone to wash my hands for me, but it would have been nice to have someone to open the door for me, so i didnt get mud all over the door handle. all of the bathrooms were locked so i had to wash my hands in a water fountain. im too tired and upset to think, so ill stop typing now. goodbye.

10 - 30 - 19

6:57 PM


hello all. as you can probably tell from the date, tomorrow is halloween. unfortunately for me, my mother refuses to let me openly celebrate halloween as she thinks it is devil-worship, so the rest of my family and i are all trying to celebrate halloween without my mother involved. i may or may not have mentioned this before (i type a lot of things on here and delete them before i post them, and i cant remember if i had deleted this or kept this), but i thought that my mother would not allow us to give out candy, but it turns out that my sister got her hands on bags of candy to give out. i also dont have a very good costume. i have a few options, however. it is supposed to be horrific weather tomorrow, so i may not even go trick-or-treating (i know i am a bit old, but my friend still loves to go, so i tag along), but if i do, i want to have a costume prepared. my first option is to wear my unicorn ears and horn headband alongside my tie-dye shirt. all of my costumes will probably seem incredibly lazy, but when your mother despises halloween, you have to make it work somehow. my second option is to wear a headband with bats on it, along with a black outfit. even lazier than my first, i know. my third option is to simply dress normal and have a paper taped to my shirt that says, "im with stupid" with the arrow pointing upwards. i actually particularly like the last option, simply because some costumes can be so lazy that theyre funny, but the problem is that the rain might soak the paper.

anyways, im getting tired, so ill end this here. goodbye.

10 - 29 - 19

5:49 PM


good afternoon. today wasnt very eventful. at least, i think it was uneventful, because i cant remember some parts of my day. whenever i begin to type on here, without fail, it always feels like there is something incredibly important that happened that i want to talk about, but i can never remember it. oh, one thing happened, but it isnt even that interesting. i had to notify my english teacher of my motor tics just in case he thought i was trying to cheat. yesterday he mentioned that he spotted four people he thought were cheating, and while i was fairly certain i wasnt one of them, i still told him because i am trying to spare my future self from a mild anxiety attack. of course, he said that he knew i wasnt cheating, so i just thanked him and went back to my seat. thats the only noteworthy thing that happened today. goodbye.

10 - 28 - 19

7:32 PM


good... late afternoon? i would say night, but thats a parting phrase. anyways, thankfully my history teacher wasnt too upset about the lack of a substitute on friday. i feel like something important happened today, but i cant remember it at all. also, i wanted to share something funny that my brain does. sometimes, when my brain is bored, my brain rambles by itself. it isnt complete gibberish, like you would expect, but rather somewhat coherent sentences. if i quiet my brain and try to think about what was said, however, i find that i completely forget everything that was thought. ive started to keep track of what my brain is thinking, so if i hear my brain saying things, i open my notes on my phone and record whats being said. i mention this because today my brain was talking and it spit out a gibberish word that sounds like a word ive heard before. the word was "vicordial". the complete sentence was, "the left extension is a slow vicordial.". my brain was about to continue, but as soon as i realized that i had no idea what "vicordial" meant, it quieted. this happened during my shower, so i had to go over the sentence in my head over and over until i had access to my phone.

i think that after i post this, i will make a shrine on here dedicated to the sentences my brain says, because i find it interesting. i would say these sentences resemble something that a person would think of right before falling asleep, and while sometimes they occur at night, while im trying to sleep, sometimes ill find myself with these words stuck in my head during the day.

also, i thought my brain was done with confusing my dreams with reality. when i woke up this morning, i couldnt remember anything i had dreamt. i laughed to myself, knowing that the memories will probably come flooding back when something from the dream shows up, and guess what happened during lunch today? it turns out i had dreamt that i had thrown out my hand sanitizer that i bring with me to lunch and replaced it with a new hand sanitizer, so i was very confused when i saw my hand sanitizer in my bag. i didnt even need to see my hand sanitizer to realize what had happened. i got the memory back as soon as i reached for my bag. i mean, out of everything that i could have dreamt about, i guess this was the most harmless one.

anyways, i need to get my homework done. i will write more tomorrow. goodbye.

10 - 27 - 19

7:37 PM


hello. i might make this quick because im tired. i spent almost the entirety of this weekend lying in bed. sometimes, during the morning on the weekend, i leave my lamp on, even when the sun is rising, because it tricks my brain into thinking that ive stayed home from a school day. for some reason, the sunlight seems so much more beautiful when i stay home from school, than when i go to school. i have a nasty habit of staying home for the most trivial things, but im trying to break that habit this year, because im starting to think that my first absence of the year causes the whole year to collapse on itself, although i think ive stated that on here before. once youre absent, you dont want to go back. a lesson ive learned is that transitioning from one state to the next is very difficult, no matter what it is. this is the reason why you dont want to sleep once youre home, and why you want to stay asleep in the morning. if im absent for a single day, ill feel even worse about going to school the next day. once my alarm goes off in the morning on a school day, i get out of bed and i dont get back in my bed until im home, because i know that if i get up, eat breakfast, and then lay back down (i have some time after eating breakfast to relax and prepare), it will be basically impossible to pry me from my bed. so far, ive been pretty good with this. i usually count from 1 to 5 before forcing myself up and out of my bed.

im sorry, i dont know why i went on a complete rant about my morning habits. i guess thats it for today. ill write tomorrow. goodbye.

10 - 26 - 19

3:39 PM


good afternoon. i thought today was going to be boring, but i was reminded by my family that we were going to the pumpkin farm today. i was a mixture of excited and annoyed, because, on one hand, i would be able to finally leave the house to go somewhere that isnt school, but on the other hand, i had to spend my precious freetime with people who probably were annoyed at me. i was correct about the latter, because my sister kept looking at me angrily when i talked for too long. when i get excited, i become very active and talkative, and my family hates that. i had to constantly remind myself to keep quiet because i didnt want to hear them talk trash about me later. every year when we go to the pumpkin farm, my family usually ignores my pumpkin suggestions, but this year they actually liked the pumpkins i suggested. my family didnt want me to get a pumpkin, but thats fine, because i carved my first pumpkin last year and it made my hands hurt, so i didnt exactly want to try that again. my sister told me that i can help carve her pumpkin this year, but i know that "helping" is her codeword for "watch me carve out the guts and quietly hold the trash can so i can toss them in there". anyways, im getting tired, so ill just end this entry right here. i might talk more later, or maybe tomorrow morning. goodbye.

10 - 25 - 19

5:17 PM


hello. today was funny. you know how i said i had four important things to do yesterday? it turns out i only had two important things to do. well, it was supposed to be three, as it turns out the quiz is next friday, not today, but my history teacher was absent, and no substitute showed up. we knew she was going to be absent, though. we all sat there for a few minutes, waiting for someone to show up, but nobody came, so of course we took advantage of that. i sat and doodled quietly because i knew that screaming and going wild would obviously alert the other teachers in the other classrooms in the hall, but the other kids seemed to not understand that. they talked loudly and were drawing on the whiteboard. occasionally a kid would silently leave the room to use the bathroom, and everyone would think they were going to get a teacher and ruin the fun, and, let me tell you, the sigh of relief that swept over the entire classroom when they came back and people realized they had just went to use the bathroom was absolutely breathtaking and hilarious. eventually though, a teacher in another classroom heard us, and walked into the classroom. nobody knew what to say, so the teacher obviously knew that no substitute had showed up, so he, as the kids in my class said, "snitched on us". a substitute finally showed up when there was ten minutes left in the class, so we obviously couldnt finish the essay in that time, so we just relaxed. i dont think it was smart of the other kids to act that way, to be honest. im a good student, but im not a teachers pet. if i see an opportunity to be able to relax for at least a few minutes, im going to take that opportunity. you may say that i have my passing time to relax, but is it really relaxing to have to force your way through crowds of idling people and somehow make your way across an incredibly large building in just five minutes? not to mention the sound of hundreds of people talking. anyways, thats pretty much it for today. goodbye.

10 - 24 - 19

3:52 PM


good afternoon. it took me a while to fall asleep last night because i had obsessed over toki pona for almost the entirety of the day (which i probably shouldnt have done, because it is best to learn a language by spreading out the information, rather than trying to force yourself to learn everything at once), and also because i heard my sister saying things about me to my mother in my parents' room while they thought i was asleep. apparently i had clogged the shower drain and i didnt realize it, and my sister was telling my mother, "what did they do, rip the hair out of their brush and put it down the drain?". for some reason, my hair falls out very easily. im not balding, but its a bit of a running gag in my house that if a piece of hair is found anywhere, it is best to assume that it came from me.

today was rather regular, however i realized i now have a new motor tic that is annoying, and also embarrassing if someone notices. i close my eyes, my eyes roll downward (at this point, my eye tics are very sporadic), and i scrunch my face up, particularly my nose. most of my tics are very subtle, and most people dont know i even have motor tics. i say most of my tics are subtle because i used to have a tic where i would plug my nose and try to breathe out it rapidly, which would essentially choke myself if i did it for long enough. this is going to sound incredibly stupid, but i caused that tic to happen accidentally. i had read about lucid dreaming and i wanted to try to learn how to do it, and one of the most common ways is to do "reality checks", where you try to do something that gives a different outcome if youre in a dream. after a while of doing these, you would remember to do them in a dream. one of these reality checks is to plug your nose and try to breathe through it. in real life, you cant breathe through your nose when it is plugged, obviously, but you could still breathe through your nose in a dream, so if you remembered to do the reality check inside a dream, you would realize that you could still breathe, so then you knew you were in a dream. i did this way too often, to the point where it became a tic. its pretty much gone now, as i have a less harmful way of doing reality checks (pinching my hand, if my fingers go through my hand, im dreaming), but its still stupid how i did that.

sorry for going on a bit of a rant there. anyways, the rest of today was pretty normal. i know a lot of words in toki pona now, so i can make a few sentences. its really fun to write the symbols. tomorrow i have two tests, a quiz, and an essay i have to write in some of my classes. the essay is for history, and my teacher was kind enough to let us get a head start on it today, so i have some of it done already. thats about all i have to say for today. goodbye.

10 - 23 - 19

2:40 PM


hello all. not much happened today, to be honest. this morning i was looking at conlang (constructed language) stuff and i found out about the language toki pona, and i am fascinated by it. toki pona is based on minimalism, and has very little words. you combine words to create more complex words, and use context in order to communicate. im thinking of learning it because it really interests me. thats pretty much all i have to share today. goodbye.

10 - 22 - 19

5:58 PM


hello. as soon as i got home, i felt incredibly tired, so i laid in my bed for a long time, until i got the willpower to stand. today wasnt very eventful, as far as i can remember, to be quite honest. my friend is still sick, so she didnt come to school again. she told me shes coming to school tomorrow. i think i got angry today, but im not sure what caused it. i think i thought too much for too long. if i think too much for too long i get all angry and worried. also, i think the reason why my eyelids keep feeling so heavy is because my eyes tic a lot. the first motor tic i ever had was my eye-rolling tic. my mother got mad at me because she thought it was because i spent too long on the internet, so everytime she saw my eyes roll, she would get mad, so i instinctively closed my eyes when it happened. now i cant break this habit, so whenever my eyes tic, my eyes either completely close or they cover most of my eyes. i think that because my eyes keep moving, theyre bound to get tired, but thats just a guess. im getting tired again, so goodbye for now.

4:15 AM


good morning. i woke up two hours earlier than i usually do, because i am excited for some reason. i decided to delete the creations page because i felt like it was pointless, and also because i probably wont talk about my characters on here as much as i thought i would. also, i have a very outdated phone, and it tends to go into restart loops, where it just shuts off randomly and restarts over and over for a period of time, before finally turning back on. i was trying to use my phone after i woke up, however it went into a restart loop, and the screen turned completely red, which it has never done before.

oh. i just looked up what a red screen means, and it is affectionately referred to as "the red screen of death". thats actually hilarious, because the red screen lasted for a few seconds before going back into the restart loop, before turning back on.

thats all for now, mainly because i dont have much to talk about. i will probably write once i get home. goodbye.

10 - 21 - 19

2:38 PM


hello all. the weekend went by incredibly quick, didnt it? i guess it always does. anyways, i felt like i was suffocating for the majority of today. im not sure why. i would be sitting still and i would feel like my throat was closing. i also felt like my eyelids were incredibly heavy. they still feel very heavy, like theyre threatening to fall completely over my eyes. i think the funny part is that im not even tired. my friend is sick today, so she didnt show up to school today. sitting on the bus without talking to anyone actually feels very relaxing. i wish i could do it everyday, but she likes to talk to me. thats fine, i suppose. i am tired, so goodbye for now.

10 - 20 - 19

6:20 AM


hello. a while ago i had started creating my own language because i had gotten tired of people being nosy when they shouldnt be, however i had stopped because i had lost interest. for some odd reason, i am now interested again, and i feel as though i have gotten pretty far. i wont share the language on here, but making a language is somewhat fun and somewhat annoying. having to make hundreds of words is one story, while remembering them is another. i guess thats all i am going to say for today, mainly because i want to work on my language. goodbye.

10 - 19 - 19

7:46 AM


hello. i... wouldnt say i just woke up, as i spent some time lying in bed this morning, so i guess ill say i woke up around an hour or so ago. i cant remember my dream, but it must have been a very intense dream, as i didnt wake up too early. usually if the dream is boring, i will wake up maybe around one to three in the morning, and theres a slight chance of me actually being able to fall back asleep. i only remember a few scenes from the dream, but they dont make any sense, which i suppose is typical for dreams.

im fairly certain that the scenes i do not remember will haunt me, because i occasionally have a hard time telling the difference between dreams and reality. usually i will go a long time without remembering anything from a dream, until i encounter something in real life, in which case my brain will suddenly remember it, and most likely mistake it for having happened in my waking life.

there was one funny case where i remembered having a conversation with someone over chair cushions, which, funnily enough, actually happened. however, i suppose i must have had a dream where my brain somehow managed to copy and paste the entire conversation and paste it in a scene where i was in a very fancy library, so i spent a long time analyzing the scene where i was in the library, feeling as though the conversation did happen but having no other memory of a fancy library except for this one, until i finally managed to recall the actual conversation, which took place between me and my friend's mother, in my friends house, which is completely different than a fancy library.

ah, funnily enough, as i was reading over the last paragraph, making sure it made sense, i remembered what my dream was about. it was a nightmare, or at least mostly a nightmare. i probably wont share the majority of it, as it is quite embarrassing trying to explain something that doesnt make any sense, but there is one scene that is genuinely unnerving.

i dont know what led me to this scene, however i was sitting in my room on my laptop while relatives were visiting my house, with a gray 1998 furby near my laptop. i havent shared this yet, but i collect furbys (furbys, according to official sources, is the correct spelling, yes). i remember the furby being gray, and the only 1998 furby i have that is gray is my leopard furby, tuna. funnily enough, ever since i received tuna, i have been pretty sure that they are haunted, but i digress. i dont know exactly why i had this on my computer, or what i had been trying to achieve, but i think i may have been looking up purposefully scary videos on youtube. occasionally i do this, so i am pretty well-acquainted with the majority of "cursed" videos on youtube, however what i saw in the dream was completely different.

the video was flashing, with loud sounds. the only frame i remember was a neon blue background with dark blue text, displaying a language that i do not know. the only language i am fluent in is english, and im currently learning italian. if i had to compare it to a language that already exists, i would say it looked similar to tamil, because the characters had many swirls in them.

i remember seeing the furby's eyes somehow roll backwards, with only the whites of their eyes showing. i think the furby's mouth was hanging open too, but im not sure. my sister was yelling at me, probably for looking up an incredibly frightening video on youtube.

thats all i can remember from that scene, however the rest of the dream isnt exactly any better. ive probably written a lot, so i am going to stop here. perhaps i will update this later. goodbye.

10 - 18 - 19

2:59 PM


i dont even know where to begin with what happened today. lets start simple: they didnt follow the schedule i had received. apparently there were two schedules that had been distributed, and the one that i had received was incorrect. so, lets just say i was thrown for quite a loop. this also meant that i didnt know where to go, and whenever this happens, i feel completely panicked. next, i guess i should specify what the big event was today. it was a pep rally, which i completely and utterly hate, however i didnt want to be absent because i hadnt been absent yet this year, and typically the first absence of the year causes the entire year to go into a downwards spiral.

my method of attempting to zone out until im home didnt exactly work as planned. i probably should have known that this wouldnt have worked, as the pep rally was an hour's worth of screaming and cheering, but it still bummed me out.

the screaming was unbearable, and coupled with the booming music, my head and throat were vibrating and i felt like i was going to be sick. i was crowded in, and a kid hurled themselves off of the bleachers and onto the floor, barely missing my friend's head.

after the pep rally, we had to return to our last class of the day. my teacher for that class was absent today, so the other five people remaining and i just sat quietly in the room until the period had ended. i dont think anyone was happy today.

5:46 AM


good morning. i cant remember what i dreamt about last night, but all i know is that this morning i woke up with tears in my eyes. there wasnt that many tears, but someimes i wonder what my brain showed me that could make me cry. anyways, today is one of those days where i desperately want to crawl back into my bed and stay there forever, but i know that if i even dare to sit on my bed i wont be able to get back up, so im refusing to give in. since its friday, i suppose i can wait until i get home.

my schedule is going to be altered yet again, so im hoping that maybe i can zone out for the entire day, so it can seem to me like i get home in a matter of minutes. the days tend to be long, but when i try to think back on them they seem to go by rather quickly.

i wouldnt say that i hate going to school. i mean, i do, but sometimes my family can be so rude to me that i would prefer to be at school, however i dont have the luxuries of pillows and a blanket at school. i guess i just wish weekends were one day longer and weekdays were one day shorter. i feel like having an extra day to prepare for the madness of school is perfect for me. this is also why i used to wake up so early last year. i need time before being thrown into school, because if i dont i will probably be grumpy for the entire day.

ill probably talk more when i return home. goodbye.

10 - 17 - 19

2:57 PM


hello. today was... somehow eventful and yet so boring at the same time. i dont know how to explain it. my memory is weird in that i cant remember what i ate for dinner yesterday, but i can remember sitting down on the floor during preschool. what im trying to say is, i barely remember anything that happened today, but ill try to go over some things that i can recall.

first of all, yes, there is a streetlight at my bus stop that i never noticed before for some very weird reason. i should have known that there was a streetlight there, because i have to leave for school incredibly early. by early, i mean that the sun begins to rise while im on the bus to school. the bus stop was never drenched in darkness, i certainly would have known that because i would be creeped out everytime i had to stand there, but for some reason it never connected in my brain that that light actually had a source. my brain is very odd.

second of all, an idea for a pair of characters solidified in my head. i dont exactly feel like describing them, but maybe when i have enough motivation ill draw them and add them to the creations. i havent used that page yet, because im more skilled at traditional drawing than digital, but maybe ill add a page for them first, then work on the drawing.

thats... actually everything i wanted to talk about. i feel like there was more i wanted to type, but the thoughts have escaped me. goodbye.

5:32 AM


i woke up twenty minutes ago. last night, i couldnt sleep for the life of me, particularly because i got inspired over something, and when i get inspired i can get so excited that i almost make myself sick. i probably could have waited to go to bed, because it wasn't even that late or anything, but i guess i thought i should go to bed early for once.

i think something was wrong yesterday. i felt glazed over for the majority of the day. i think it was because my schedule had been altered because i had to take a rather important test which lasted a few periods, but i feel as though i was too "out of it" for it to just have been simply a schedule change. i didnt exactly believe what the clocks were telling me, and every period after the test, i just stared blankly and didn't do much. the bus ride home felt like a weird dream.

10 - 16 - 19

6:07 PM


the rain poaring relentlessly outside seems almost scarily peaceful. unrelated, but this morning was very magical. as i was crossing the street to reach the bus stop where i stand every morning, waiting for my bus, i noticed a streetlight there that i had never noticed before. maybe it appeared overnight? the streetlight was illuminating the area with a dim pink light. maybe it was because i was weary from waking up too early, but it made my day before it even began.