YOU ARE SOMEWHERE

HOME

10 - 15 - 19

the canvas

the shrines

10 - 19 - 20

22:59

361

hello. my self-esteem dropped today. the majority of today was spent feeling like a complete burden on other people. i feel better now thankfully, but that was... annoying. thats quite the understatement, but im too tired to come up with some fancy words. im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 18 - 20

23:32

360

hello. today was boring. im a bit sad that the weekend is over, although i suppose that is obvious. i also played some among us with my friends, which was nice. im really bad at being the impostor. im going to end this entry here since i dont have anything else to say. goodbye.

10 - 17 - 20

22:57

359

hello. today was a good day, i think. i spent most of it laying down in bed, so there isnt much to say. im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 16 - 20

22:51

358

hello. today is the one year anniversary of this journal. today was really rainy, which was nice. i also learned how to make eggs today. to be honest, before this school year started, i was expecting to feel more indifferent towards the weekend since i will be at home regardless of what day it is, but im finding myself still being filled with relief over the weekend. the thrill of not having to worry about work overpowers the thrill of being home now, i suppose. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 15 - 20

22:42

357

hello. today is the one year anniversary of this website. it is really weird to think about since it feels like i just made this website last week, but i guess thats just because of bad memory as usual. anyways, i dont really have much to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 14 - 20

22:21

356

hello. i cannot remember much of today, so i dont have anything to say about today other than i think i spent it... laying down? im not entirely sure. tomorrow is the one year anniversary of this website, and in two days it will be the one year anniversary of this journal. it is very strange. i dont feel like a year has passed, although maybe that is because i cannot remember very well. it is even stranger to think about the fact that i have an entire year of my life documented. well, i mean i guess many of the days were foggy even when i was experiencing them, but i at least wrote down what i remember. a lot has changed. when i first made this journal, i had no friends at all, and now i have tons of them. it just feels weird to look back, i guess. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 13 - 20

23:18

355

hello. today will have a very short entry since im still doing my homework unfortunately. today was alright, i think. it was still hard to make myself work, which is why i am doing everything now. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 12 - 20

22:13

354

hello. i couldnt really work today either for some reason, both on that missing assignment and just other assignments in general. my physics teacher keeps assigning things online where i need to submit pictures of work i did in class, however i am beginning to become tired of repeatedly reminding my teachers that i am not physically attending school and therefore i dont have what theyre asking me for, so im just marking it as complete and moving on. if he wants to get mad at me, then he will get mad at me. anyways, it was really rainy today which was nice. i also cant remember much, so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 11 - 20

21:53

353

hello. i got up really early today for some reason. i couldnt fall back asleep, so i didnt really have much of a choice, i guess. i cant remember much of today unfortunately. there is something strange about this overdue assignment im supposed to be working on that just makes me... unable to bring myself to do it. everytime i open the assignment up, i just feel nauseous. it is very weird. since i cant remember much, i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 10 - 20

22:12

352

hello. i had an incredibly serious mental breakdown last night, right before i fell asleep. i was crying really hard and i desperately wanted to escape to my daydreams, but i stopped myself. i ended up crying even harder until i passed out. when i woke up today, i actually forgot about the mental breakdown for a while until i remembered it later in the day. isnt it funny how i started my world mental health day with a mental breakdown? anyways, today was good. i made another grilled cheese so now im way too confident in my "cooking" skills. i was a bit grumpy today, but i think that was because of other reasons. im going to end this entry here. goobye.

10 - 9 - 20

22:30

351

hello. i used the stove for the first time in my life today, which was really amazing. my mother taught me how to make grilled cheese. because of this, i thought that today would be all sunshine and rainbows, but my self-esteem just plummeted again. it happened while i was doing my math homework, so that was an... experience. im ending this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 8 - 20

22:40

350

hello. this is going to be a short entry since im incredibly tired right now. today was actually really good, to be honest. i was just very happy in general. i didnt really do anything worth noting, so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 7 - 20

23:38

349

hello. well, today was a journey. i had a breakdown today that actually ended on a nice note. it was very strange to switch from feeling hopeless to hopeful in such a short amount of time. i think there is hope for me to stop daydreaming so much. it has always been a problem for me, considering that i actually dont really know much of who i am without bringing my daydreams into the equation, but it has been pretty bad recently because of my self-esteem problems. i found this guide online that was actually quite reassuring and beautifully worded, although i hope i will be able to follow it. im going to end this entry here since it is awfully late. goodbye.

10 - 6 - 20

21:51

348

hello. today was basically the same as yesterday, unfortunately... but i guess there is always tomorrow. im going to end this entry here. godbye.

10 - 5 - 20

21:46

347

hello. well, today has been completely awful. i broke my charger and i could barely force myself to do work today. i have to use my old old old phone charger that i found, and i have to twist it awkwardly to get it to work. i cant tell my family about this either because they will just yell at me about how i break things a lot. it's not like i do it on purpose...

i think my self esteem is taking another dive. why couldnt it have decreased during the summer, when i had time to feel sad and work through my emotions?! instead im sitting here, promising myself that i will let myself cry after i get this assignment done. my world is spinning again. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 4 - 20

23:16

346

hello. you know what? im going to count the gift for my friend as work, so yes, i did do work today. ive also had this really nasty spider bite on my leg for the past few days or so, so that has been annoying me. i wonder if it is from that spider that jumped out at me a while ago... anyways, im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

10 - 3 - 20

20:45

345

hello. today was just me laying down. i really, really, really want to do work but i just cant for some reason. the most i did today was begin to work on a gift for friend, but that was really it unfortunately. i guess there is always tomorrow. goodbye.

10 - 2 - 20

21:54

344

hello. well, last night was... an experience. i almost fell asleep in my chair a few times while doing work, but i got it done. it was the same thing with today. everything felt very bleak and bland, but it is over for now. other than that, i dont really have anything else to say. goodbye.

10 - 1 - 20

23:24

343

hello. i procrastinated again today. i really, really, really want to slam my head on my keyboard right now, but obviously i cant. i have no idea what is going on anymore, and at this point i wonder if i even want to know. i still have at least nine more months to get through before i can calm down. im going to end this entry here since i might cry if i continue. goodbye.

9 - 30 - 20

21:54

342

hello. today was... just me procrastinating again. i actually managed to do my italian speaking today, but it was one day late of course. my voice still hurts from trying over and over again, but i got it done. im going to end this entry here since i dont have anything else to say. goodbye.

9 - 29 - 20

23:18

341

hello. well, today was simply not good. i was supposed to record an italian speaking today, but i burst into tears after i just couldnt get it right. im letting myself fail that one, i think. unfortunately, i dont seem to care anymore. my motor tics and general lack of understanding about what i was saying made it impossible to do. maybe if the next speaking isnt as long, i will do better... anyways, like i said, today wasnt good, i think. i spent most of it just laying in bed, exhausted. i really dont know what im so tired about, considering ive barely been keeping up with my work. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 28 - 20

23:28

340

hello. another short entry because i just did nothing again. this is so annoying. hopefully i will do something tomorrow. goodbye.

9 - 27 - 20

21:51

339

hello. well, i did nothing again today. i hope i can do something tomorrow. well, i say "hope" when it is clear that im going to have to do things regardless of what my body and brain want. today was alright, to be honest. i cant really remember much, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 26 - 20

22:32

338

hello. today was very nice since i relaxed today. i really want to get work done, but my body and brain keep saying no. it's really frustrating. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 25 - 20

22:43

337

hello. well, i feel better. i think. i dont know. im still pretty sure that something is wrong with me, but i felt it less today, i think. im just very worried in general right now. i wouldnt say my life is collapsing around me, but i will say that it will be if bad things keep happening for another month or so. i wanted to work today, but my body and brain said no, so i ended up waiting until the last second to do everything unfortunately. i think i might be a very lazy person and im just lying to myself that i wanted to work, but who really knows at this point? other than... that, obviously, i would say today was alright. we got a new cat tree for our cats, and they seem to like it, which is good. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 24 - 20

23:06

336

hello. another short entry today since i didnt do much. i just got a haircut and procrastinated today. im getting more and more frustrated as each day goes by. i feel like im going to explode into a million tiny little pieces. i dont want to start crying right now, but i want to say that i genuinely think something is wrong with me. when i talk to other people, i feel like im pretending to be someone else, but im not even trying to. also, im getting very very scared. i struggle so much with standing up for myself or others, and i really hate it. i hate it so much, i want to somehow rip that part of me out of me and stomp on it because it does very little to help me.

to be honest, i dont know how other people have the energy to do so many things in one day. people will get up, brush their teeth, get dressed, have breakfast, do their work, talk to their friends, exercise, shower, and work on becoming a better person all in the same day, and i am honestly dumbfounded. i dont know how people have the energy to be doing all of these things. okay, i need to stop now because im actually crying. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 23 - 20

22:23

335

hello. welp, more work today. i know, i know, please do your best to contain your shock. as embarrassing as it is to say, im doing better at controlling my fits of crying. im not crying because i dont want to work, although of course i dont want to work. it is more like im crying from confusion. this literally wouldnt be happening if i could just make myself go up and ask the teacher, but i really dont want to be yelled at. besides, i think i know what i need to do. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 22 - 20

22:18

334

hello. well, today was stressful. im trying to do this homework that i have very little idea of how to do. i would ask the teacher, but i think im supposed to know how to do it already, so that is... embarrassing. i keep procrastinating too, even when i dont want to be. i will be laying in my bed, just wanting to get up and finish it, but my body wont let me. it is leading to so many problems. i think i would be doing it if i actually knew what i was doing, but i cant just go and ask the teacher since she will probably get mad at me. instead im just suffering slowly. i mean, i have a vague idea of what i need to do. i need to outline a few pages, but the problem is that i dont know if she wants it formatted a specific way. i will be so embarrassed if i do all this work and it turns out that it is all wrong. i really, really hate schoolwork. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 21 - 20

22:18

333

hello. i was actually doing quite a good job with working earlier today, but it just got worse and worse as time went on until after dinner, when i was laying in my bed doing absolutely nothing while i still had work to do. i wanted to get up and just get it done, but i just... couldnt. it is so frustrating. other than that, i didnt really do much today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 20 - 20

22:33

332

hello. today was boring, too. i spent most of today updating my phone. that sounds weird, but i guess it is true. i ended up taking a lot of precautions before updating my phone because i was worried, which took some time. the updating took a while too. it all worked out, thankfully. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 19 - 20

22:58

331

hello. today was boring. i think i slept on my neck funny, so it has been hurting the entire day. because of this, ive mostly been laying down. i didnt really do anything interesting, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 18 - 20

22:17

330

hello. i ended up bursting into tears from confusion in front of my mother today, so that was... a ride. we got some things sorted out thankfully, although im embarrassed that i couldnt do it on my own. she agrees with me that everything is way too confusing. right now im just trying to do more late work. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 17 - 20

22:25

329

hello. well, here i am. im finally crying over homework. every word im reading in this textbook right now isnt making any sense, and i feel like bursting into even more tears. i genuinely think i might have to let myself miss this assignment because i cant stop crying. i just want to be mature and calm down and work things out but too much has been going on. i think im going to explode. goodbye.

9 - 16 - 20

21:33

328

hello. it seems like im getting better again, but i dont know. i still felt kind of bad today. i felt like a big gross slob. i dont know if im actually getting better or if im just ignoring it, since i feel like it lingers with me even when im okay or even happy. it is so frustrating. anyways, today was boring again. more and more of me just stressing out about schoolwork and myself. im very motivated to do work right now, and i really hope that that motivation stays with me for as long as possible. i dont have anything else to say so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 15 - 20

23:20

327

hello. today was pretty boring. i just mostly stressed over work today. im starting to find that i tend to procrastinate when im not sure of what to do, which is frustrating. i just need to ask what to do, but i get scared. thankfully i managed to finish my homework today. thats pretty much the only thing i did today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 14 - 20

23:09

326

hello. this entry might be short since i broke down crying a while ago. my self esteem is dropping again, but i think crying might have calmed me down, actually. i didnt do much today, except for laying down and procrastinating unfortunately. because of this, i will end this entry here. goodbye

9 - 13 - 20

23:01

325

hello. today was pretty boring. to be honest, i dont even remember much of what i did. i just remember laying down and that is about it, really... i will end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 12 - 20

21:32

324

hello. well, today was more of an emotional rollercoaster than i was expecting. i decided to get one of my big school assignments done today, however i needed the help of my family. see, the assignment was to build a tower out of spaghetti noodles, but the problem is that a lot of my motor tics are in my fingers. they cause them to stretch and clench and just overall make it very dangerous for me to do much since i might tic and snap a noodle in my hand. because of this, my family had to help assemble it, and it was an... experience. lets say experience. the first tower was so awfully constructed we had to throw it out and start over, and the second one was on the brink of collapsing constantly but we made it work.

since my sister did a lot of work, we both thought it was fair for me to help her with her math homework. her homework was just... brain teasers. that was it. i think i solved two of them, but it took a while. they were pretty hard, but i think i would much rather solve brain teasers over actual math questions any day.

since i didnt do much besides those two things, i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 11 - 20

22:08

323

hello. i woke up at four in the morning, and actually stayed up for quite a long time until i ended up passing out again. even though i knew i woke up early, i remember being pretty surprised by how sleepy i still was. i closed my eyes, expecting to just rest them for a few minutes, and then woke up hours later with my door wide open and everyone else awake and about. anyways, i didnt do much today. i mostly just stayed in bed since i was still incredibly tired. i would say it is a vicious cycle where i lay in bed because im tired but im tired because all i do is lay in bed. also, i should probably mention that i was right yesterday. i feel a lot better than i did during the past few days, and i am so thankful for that. my self-esteem dropped so low i felt like i didnt deserve to be cheered up, which is a frustrating point to reach. thankfully that feeling has gone away. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 10 - 20

21:11

322

hello. to be honest, today was... worse? i guess? mental health-wise, at least. school was also pretty terrible, considering the fact that i was so confused i burst into tears. it was also pretty rainy outside which didnt help at all. i think i might be starting to feel better thankfully. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 9 - 20

21:22

321

hello. today was my "first day of school", but i didnt do much since i stayed home. in fact, i barely looked anything over, to be honest. it is a bit embarrassing, but im so tired it seems like i dont care anymore. i just want this year to end already and it has barely even started yet. im sorry this entry is so short, but im very tired. goodbye.

9 - 8 - 20

20:09

320

hello. well.. school starts tomorrow. i was given my schedule today, but it isnt really like it matters since im staying home. i have no idea what i am doing tomorrow since they havent really told us. as expected, my mental health has taken a lot of damage. i feel very... sad. i really just want to lie down in bed and fall through my mattress and floor into the earth, but i cant. it would a lot more helpful if they could just tell us what we need to do, but instead we have to guess. i am genuinely unhappy here. im just going to end this entry here before i get too upset. goodbye.

9 - 7 - 20

22:31

319

hello. today was really good. i spent today trying to pretend like it wasnt 2020. i mean, it didnt work completely, but i was very happy. im going to end this entry here since im trying to do something right now. goodbye.

9 - 6 - 20

21:51

318

hello. today was boring. i cant remember much, but from what i do remember, i just didnt feel very good today. i wonder if im still a bit on edge from yesterday. oh well. it will probably go away tomorrow, i hope. it seems like i didnt do much so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 5 - 20

22:26

317

hello. well, today was... troubling. i got really scared of something today, but i dont really feel like going indepth. one of my recent friends said something that didnt sit right with me, basically. it took a lot out of me to even confront him about it and i was crying the entire time but we worked it out. one of my other friends helped, too. i know it sounds silly for me to be crying over something like that but i was very scared that he would get angry at me and stop being friends with me. the unfortunate reality is that i tend to get very frightened when people say bad things, and i end up freezing on the spot and letting it pass. today i decided to fight against that and thats why it seems like i was overreacting. as exhausted as i felt afterwards, i want to keep doing it. im going to end this entry here since nothing else really happened today. goodbye.

9 - 4 - 20

21:45

316

hello. i went to the mall with my friends yesterday. it was fun. it was nice to be outside however my feet were hurting really badly afterwards. i didnt get anything other than an unearthing of my hidden fear of escalators. we went to a restaurant inside the mall, but the only positive thing i can really say is that the drink i got was really good. they gave everyone else a menu except me for some reason (and they didnt just not have enough either, i saw him just walk past me with the menu). gnats were flying around the table and one of them landed in my friends drink. the food wasnt that good either. the whole place just felt like a very surreal nightmare. im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 3 - 20

12:22

315

hello. im going to be busy today so i wanted to write an entry now, but nothing has really happened yet. i overslept again, but other than everything has been fine. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 2 - 20

22:53

314

hello. today was... boring. i think. i cant really remember. i woke up super late this morning and i just... laid around. since i didnt do much today, i will end this entry here. goodbye.

9 - 1 - 20

23:33

313

hello. well, last night was an emotional expedition. i was staying up really late last night when a huge spider suddenly decided to crawl across my keyboard. i freaked out and it crawled away. i havent found it yet. i stayed up until six in the morning, terrified. as you might have guessed, i am exhausted right now. i felt like i was going to throw up when i woke up this morning. it was difficult to even stomach two poptarts. im okay now, thankfully, but i genuinely thought i was going to be sick. im going to end this entry here since i didnt do anything today. goodbye.

8 - 31 - 20

23:43

312

hello. today was boring, to be honest. im getting kind of nervous thinking about school coming up. even if i will be home, it will still be a pain, obviously. im going to end this entry here because i didnt do much today. goodbye.

8 - 30 - 20

22:44

311

hello. today was... busy. there were people over today. it was fun at first, but i started to get overwhelmed so i had to hide in my room for the second half. im glad it is all over now. since i didnt do anything else, i will end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 29 - 20

22:45

310

hello. i got to send the thing i made to my friend for her birthday, and she really liked it! im glad i stayed up to send it to her, but i ended up only getting four hours of sleep, so ive been very... out of it today. i mostly just laid down because of that. im going to end this entry here since i didnt do much. goodbye.

8 - 28 - 20

21:00

309

hello. it seems like more of the storm is supposed to be coming later. i enjoy the sound of thunder, but i just wish it didnt threaten our power. anyways, today was alright. tomorrow is my friends birthday, so im super excited! i cant wait to show her what i made. i didnt really do much today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 27 - 20

17:50

308

hello. im writing this entry now since apparently a bad storm is coming and i dont want to miss out on an entry again. today was good. i talked to my friend some more, no surprise there. i also got to eat chinese food again today, which i was super excited about. my family ate chinese food so much a while ago that they didnt want it in the house for a while, but they finally got some today and it was really good. im also really excited about my friends birthday. it is coming up in two days. i was thinking about maybe making a list of names to call them on here, since i have a lot of people i just call "my friend". maybe later, i guess. anyways, im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 26 - 20

23:04

307

hello. i just mostly talked to my friend again today. i know, i know, we have been talking a lot, but it is really fun to talk to them. i also laid down a bit. i dont have much to say for today, so goodbye.

8 - 25 - 20

23:43

306

hello. today was pretty boring, actually. i only talked to my friend today. she is a different friend, she isnt the one whose birthday is coming up. im starting to really like talking to people. i used to dread it for some reason, but it is becoming really fun. anyways, since i am running out of time and i have nothing else to say, i will end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 24 - 20

23:35

305

hello. i got one thing done today, at least. i finished a gift for the upcoming birthday of my friend! it is a piece of art i drew for her. she mentioned her exact birthday date maybe around a week or so ago, and since im very bad with dates i wrote it down so i could remember. im hoping to make a whole calendar of the birthdays of everyone i know. actually, that is one of the many things on my ever-growing to-do list. anyways, today was great. it actually didnt thunder at all, at least from what i remember. i had one of my favorite foods for dinner today, which is stuffed flounder. it was really good. i dont have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 23 - 20

23:20

304

hello. today was good. my sunburn is starting to peel now and i feel like getting things done. i feel like my to-do list has gotten way too long. according to my weather app, it is supposed to be thundering tomorrow, so i hope it isnt too bad. i dont want another power outage obviously, but i also dont want to be put into a sleepy mood. anyways, i didnt do much today, so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 22 - 20

23:25

303

hello. im so glad i feel better now. i felt very overwhelmed last night, and i was freaking out. it was really weird because before i was freaking out, i was sad, but i was abnormally calm. i felt the same way today, too. i actually prefer it more than when im sad and freaking out though, for obvious reasons. the sadness feels like it is being draped comfortingly around my shoulders. anyways, today was alright. boring as usual. i will end this entry here becuase i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

8 - 21 - 20

23:09

302

hello. today was boring too, i think. my body still hurts, and im very angry and sad right now. i feel very alone for some reason. i feel like the people who talk to me are using me. im not surprised though, i feel like this a lot. i hope to one day be able to trust and love myself enough to not fear being alone. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 20 - 20

23:22

301

hello. today was pretty boring, to be honest. i just laid down for the majority of today since my shoulders still hurt. my butt also hurts from sitting in the beach chair for a long time, too. im just going to end this entry here because i didnt do much today. goodbye.

8 - 19 - 20

22:59

300

hello. today was really great, despite the sunburn obviously. the sunburn on my kneecaps seems to have stopped hurting thankfully, however my shoulders seem to have worsened. anyways, today was great because i got to go to thrift stores with my father again. I was looking forward to each one obviously, but i was most excited about my favorite mall. not only was i excited because it is my favorite mall, but i was super excited about the clown doll i talked about six months ago in february. if you remember, i mentioned a certain doll i found that i didnt buy because my sister was making fun of me. today i wanted to see if the doll was still there, and miraculously it was, in the same spot no less! that place tends to move everything around a lot, but it seems like the doll stayed stationary. then again, it was hidden on a high shelf, but that was still pretty amazing, so of course i bought it. i also bought this cute stuffed animal from that mall and a pretty shirt from a different mall. we also ended up getting subway on the way back home.

another reason why i didnt buy the clown doll in the first place is because the doll was a little too big to fit into my fanny pack. my mother hates clown dolls, so i have to basically smuggle them into the house by hiding them in the fanny pack i wear when i go to thrift stores. for the other two ones ive bought so far i was able to fit them in pretty easily, however this new one was just a little bit too big to fit inside, so i decided to create a small plan with my father. i told him to take the subway to the kitchen and create a distraction with it there while i snuck to my room to hide the doll, and thankfully it worked. ive hidden the doll inside of a box filled with my kandi bracelet materials, from when i liked to make kandi bracelets.

after that was all over and i ate my subway, i mostly just laid down on my bed since my shoulders hurt a lot from the sunburn. also, i think i strained my arm a bit by holding the stuffed animal in the same position for a long time, so that hasnt helped. i dont have anything to else say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 18 - 20

22:32

299

hello. i went to the beach with my friend today. it was pretty fun, and we even got slurpees after. i also got a ton of pretty shells and rocks. unfortunately i got pretty bad sunburn on my shoulder blades and kneecaps. im not very good at applying sunscreen, obviously, but hey, at least i dont need to use blankets tonight since the heat from my burns should be enough. im joking, but seriously. theyve cooled down a bit, but they used to be super hot earlier. im going to end this entry here so i can lie down. goodbye.

8 - 17 - 20

22:50

298

hello. today was alright, i think. i cant remember. i think i just laid down today, and that was about it. i got a bit upset later today, but now im okay. i dont have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 16 - 20

22:02

297

hello. thankfully i felt better today, but it rained for the entire day so i didnt have much energy anyways. my cat seemed to feel the same way, as he slept next to me for most of today. that is incredibly out-of-character for him, but i was laying on my bed and he slept on top of the large storage rubbermaid next to my bed, so i guess he did that so he wouldnt be too disturbed by my constant fidgeting and ticcing. speaking of ticcing, i got a brand new one. my right hand does a "come here" motion but leaves the pointer finger raised and my middle finger separated from my ring and pinky fingers. it is really hard to explain, but incredibly annoying. oh well. i dont have anything else to say for today so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 15 - 20

23:46

296

hello. i was thinking about the past today, although im not exactly sure why. i was also thinking about life before i met my current friends, which is weird to say because i have a ton of entries on here from before i met them. i guess i mean like, before this website too. ive known my friends for a few months now, but before them and even before this website, i was basically a lone wanderer online. i would just wander from place to place, looking for a face to call familiar. i was sent into that search thanks to me severing ties with the friend group that "raised" me, but to be honest, being alone was better than being with them in the long run.

perhaps the term "friend group" is a bit too generous. i should call it what it was: a hierarchy. friend groups shouldnt have a clear leader who tells the others what to do. that godawful system is still stuck in my brain and i feel terrible about it. if someone acts a certain way, my brain automatically tries to assign them as either superior, inferior, or on the same level as me. i only recently realized that ive been doing this and ive been trying to make my brain shut up about it, but it will probably take a while. the belief that i was nothing but some passive sidekick who would only get the spotlight if they made a complete fool of themselves was drilled into my head for years until i snapped and ran off, and that idea is STILL stuck in my brain too! it swirls and swarms me until im left feeling like i need to crack jokes about what has happened to me so that those in "high authority and status" can look down and laugh at me, so that they might acknowledge me for even a split second.

i should probably shut up now before i get really upset, but i really think that living with those ideas for years and then running off and spending a few more years trying to process and cope alone really damaged my brain in ways i might not even notice now. also, i should mention that i didnt run off alone. i ran away with a single friend who later left me. she ran away from me too, which was really just insult to injury at that point. okay. i need to shut up now, partially because im upset but mostly because i am running out of time before midnight. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 14 - 20

21:56

295

hello. today was bad. i got into an argument with my mother at dinnertime, and she was seriously mad at me. she always gets mad when i take my sisters side because she thinks we have an alliance that makes me have to agree with everything she says. we dont. im allowed to form my own thoughts and opinions. we were arguing about her hoarding stuff to prepare for the end of the world. i wish she would stop because we have so many water jugs and canned foods downstairs that we are never going to eat. we have jugs all the way from february. they must be so stale right now. im really tired so im just going to end this entry here. maybe ill talk more tomorrow. goodbye.

8 - 13 - 20

18:30

294

hello. today was boring. i spent today laying around again. apparently school is going to be starting soon, which feels weird. i actually dont think i remember the layout of some parts of the school anymore. i guess that doesnt matter though, since it seems like my mother is adamant about me not being let back into the building. i guess it will be just like how last year ended; confusing and frustrating. oh well, i guess. goodbye.

8 - 12 - 20

22:38

293

hello. it was thundering and storming this morning when i woke up. im still wary of storms because of the outage a while ago, so i was pretty nervous. the power did go out again for a few seconds, but i didnt realize until after it ended. i laid around again today. i actually felt pretty good this morning, but my mood went down and down as the day went on. im... kind of neutral right now, i think. i dont know. i just feel very... trapped lately. i feel like i keep being cornered in conversations to say and do what the other person wants me to. it is frustrating. oh well. i might just wait it out and see what i can do. goodbye.

8 - 11 - 20

23:07

292

hello. very short entry for tonight because i am really upset. again. for no reason. or maybe there is a reason and i just dont notice it. i didnt do much today, mostly just laid around again. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 10 - 20

22:47

291

hello. im sorry in advance for a short entry. i feel really tired and upset right now for some reason. i was mostly okay today, but earlier today i noticed that i was acting angry... despite not being angry. and then i got angry, and then i got better, and then i got angry again. yeah, today was... weird. im just going to end this entry here so i can go to bed. goodbye.

8 - 9 - 20

22:07

290

hello. today was pretty boring, i think. i can't really remember. i think i just hung out with my friends again. i really, really, really hope i get the energy to do more things soon, cause im mostly spending my days just laying down. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 8 - 20

23:09

289

hello. before i talk about today, i want to say that i feel okay now, thankfully. i think i was just very very tired and upset last night. anyways, onto today. today was pretty good. i got my eyebrows done today. i always feel like i look very angry when my eyebrows are thinner, but people always say it is the opposite. weird. anyways, after that i mostly just laid down and hung out with my friends. the sunburn from that fishing trip is finally starting to peel, too. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 7 - 20

22:59

288

hello. well, this is weird. i spent most of today just sulking since i felt awful about myself, but something just reminded me of something from my past and it has sent me into a better yet definitely worse mood. if that sounds weird, i would describe it more specifically as the feeling of "i am and need to be on top of the world because if i dont, i will be crushed". does that make sense? i hope it does because i feel it a lot. i literally apologized to my friends in the event that i freak out and do something impulsive.

actually, i can probably be specific about all of this. i got invited to a discord server by a friend i just made today who is friends with my other friends. the server is so big and the friend sounds so much like the person who hurt me in the past... it makes me feel like im back in 2017. this feeling is especially worrying since i literally just felt like the lowest scum on the earth, but i just want to make friends again. is that so hard for me? i will stick to my individuality this time around, but it just worries me. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 6 - 20

21:20

287

hello. today was pretty boring. apparently the power went out again during the night while i was sleeping, but thankfully it was only for a minute. i cant imagine how i would feel if i woke up to no power again. i mostly just laid down today. im just going to end this entry here since i didnt do much today. goodbye.

8 - 5 - 20

21:47

286

hello. i wasnt able to write an entry yesterday because the power went out and stayed out until today. i knew that a storm was going to pass by but i wasnt expecting the power to go out for so long. i dont mean to be overdramatic, but it was a little creepy. especially with the wind howling because my mother had the smart idea to keep the windows completely open. when i say completely, i mean the glass and the screen were both pulled up to let the wind in. during the storm. i worry for her sometimes.

it was pretty fine until night came. we ended up having to light candles. i remembered that when i was younger, i had these little figurines that i played with during a few outages, and i remember it being super fun. i still have them stored in my closet, so i took them out and set some down since i didnt want to go to bed and i had nothing better to do. i didnt get very far though. i couldnt focus on anything and i would just stare blankly at them and think. i ended up just giving up and going to bed. i really, really, really wonder how i was able to be so entertained by them. maybe i was just tired yesterday?

my dreams last night mimicked real life, if that makes any sense. it felt like i was slipping in and out of consciousness, and im pretty sure i was, but i distinctly remember hearing my family cheer that the power was back on. i remember checking my phone when i woke up, and since i was so tired i guess i thought i saw a wi-fi signal in the corner of my screen. i also ended up somehow getting a google search through, so i sincerely thought the power was back on. i immediately ran to get onto sky: children of the light, wasting some battery on my phone as i waited to see if i could get on, and thats when i realized that it wasnt back. i got up to investigate in the living room where they were sitting, and i found my mother and my sister across the room from eachother, with a few candles lit in the middle for lighting and my sister holding our radio.

it turns out my mother had bought this radio a while ago for the rapture. it works as a radio, a compass, a flashlight, and a phone charger, although that last use didnt really end up working. it was our main source of entertainment throughout this. i sat with them for a while before just getting up and going back to sleep. i woke up to no power, again. after that we mostly just sat around with the radio until the power finally came back.

again, i dont want to be overdramatic, but being detached from the rest of the world like that was... scary. any calls we made to the power company werent answered, there was barely any internet (and i say barely because my phone somehow managed to pull through and was able to search one or two things, albeit very slowly), and there was mostly just music on the radio. the silence was calming, yes, but that meant that absolutely nothing was working. especially the fridge, although i did take on the noble burden of promising to eat the doughnuts before they went bad if it got to that point. thats mostly all that has happened during the past few days, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 3 - 20

22:57

285

hello. today was really good. ive been feeling pretty bad for the past week or so, but i think ive finally stopped feeling awful since i managed to figure out and stop what was causing it. im really tired, so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

8 - 2 - 20

22:57

284

hello. today was... a day. that happened. i think. there was more pacing today. since ive been pacing a lot in the afternoon, ive been taking showers immediately afterwards, and i seriously do not appreciate showers in the afternoon enough. theyre so peaceful. anyways, i hope i do things tomorrow. goodbye.

8 - 1 - 20

22:37

283

hello. today was mostly okay, but i did have a few hours of feeling awful. i feel okay now though, thankfully. i spent today pacing around again. i dont really have anything better to do, to be honest. i also got to pick out my new glasses frames this morning which was exciting, but i have to wait a while until i can get them. oh well, i can wait. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 31 - 20

22:39

282

hello. i paced around in circles in my basement for a total of probably three to four hours today. my feet felt like they were burning but i couldnt stop. when i wasnt walking, i was laying in bed. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

7 - 30 - 20

21:31

281

hello. well, nothing much happened today, other than the fact that i spent around half of today pacing around in circles. i spent the other half just laying around. i mean, exercise is exercise, but my feet felt like they were burning when i was done. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 29 - 20

22:37

280

hello. today was eventful. i went fishing today with my father and my sister. we almost didnt make in time since we had to go back because my father forgot some of the money we needed. i was afraid we werent going to make it in time, but thankfully we were able to make in just on time (with apologies to the workers on the boat), so i was relieved. my father suprisingly caught the biggest fish on the boat and won the money pool or whatever it is called, so that was fun. i do have sunburn all over my arms now, but it is fine. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 28 - 20

23:18

279

hello. well, something pretty traumatic happened last night. after i finished writing the entry, i went to take a shower. as i was in the bathroom, i shook my head a little bit, and a BUG fell out of my hair and started crawling down my skin. it has been one complete day and i still havent recovered from that experience. despite that... event yesterday, today was pretty good. my cat decided to sleep in my room for six hours straight for some reason, and it was super cute. i also have this really annoying new tic where my fingers try to spread in ways that they literally are not physically able to. i dont have anything else to say, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 27 - 20

21:50

278

hello. today was fun. i mostly played minecraft with my friend. my father also did the firepit today which was nice, but there was way too many mosquitos. near the end it got so bad that i was pacing around. other than that, nothing much happened today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 26 - 20

23:16

277

hello. well, last night was an experience. i was very excited and couldnt sleep at until i passed out at four in the morning. i woke up at eight, so i got around four hours of sleep last night and it shows. my aunt came over today, so i said hello to her but mostly hid in my room as usual. other than that, i didnt really do much today. goodbye.

7 - 25 - 20

22:19

276

hello. i feel really awful right now, and im not sure why. i mean, i did break my charger AGAIN today and my aunt is supposed to be visiting tomorrow, but right now i feel like i just want to crumple into nothingness. it seems like every day before my aunt visits, my mental health goes down in the dumps. i am also really afraid that my hair is falling out. earlier today i was running my fingers through my hair and i noticed that there was a group of strands of hair that, when pulled, didnt really hurt like the other strands do. i grabbed all of them and pulled again, and this time a small clump of hair came out. i am really, really, really stressed and i dont know why. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 24 - 20

23:06

275

hello. today was good. from what i can remember, it was pretty rainy today so it was easy to relax. unfortunately i dont remember much of today, so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 23 - 20

22:56

274

hello. today i got my eyes checked out, and it was pretty painful. well, painful near the end. they had to dilate my pupils, and i mostly forgot how it felt the last time so i was in for a bit of a treat. i knew it would be somewhat painful, but i wasnt expecting the muscles in my eyelids to gain a mind of their own. seriously. the poor worker was just trying to get the drops into my eyes while the muscles clenched so tight i almost considered prying them open with my fingers (which i thankfully didnt). also, i vaguely remember it making the world seem a little bit brighter than it is, however this time i had to hold onto my mother's arm. i ended up basically leading her since she had her pupils dilated as well. without my glasses on, i was both nearsighted and farsighted, which was incredibly weird to experience. im normally just nearsighted, but after the drops got put in i couldnt even read things on my phone. my friend tried to message me, and i ended up having to wait until i got home, and then i opened up discord on my laptop and put the text at the maximum size so i would have a chance to even think about being able to read what was being said. anyways, other than that experience, today was good. im just going to end this entry here since that was basically all i did today. goodbye.

7 - 22 - 20

21:08

273

hello. today was alright. i spent today laying around again. i also talked to my friend a lot. i dont really have anything else to say, and im really tired. sorry and goodbye.

7 - 21 - 20

22:34

272

hello. today was good. i mostly just laid around today, but i did get to go in the pool. i went in with my sister, and we tried to play with these rackets and a ball that my mother purchased from the dollar store, but they are so poorly made that after playing for an hour, i only caught the ball once. it was still pretty fun though. my mother also made shrimp with spaghetti for dinner tonight, so i was very excited about that. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

7 - 20 - 20

22:30

271

hello. i just realized that i forgot to mention yesterday that my mother told me that she will never get me the thing i was wanting ever again. just wanted to mention that since that didnt really help me at all yesterday. anyways, today was alright. i mostly just talked to my friend today. i really really really want to go in the pool, but i seem to be very tired. also, i seem to only like to be alone in the pool, but that is pretty dangerous. i dont think i mentioned this, but a few days ago (i already forgot which day it was), i decided to go into the pool alone. it was very nice at first, but it gave me time to start overthinking and zoning out a bit too far, which then led to me leaving the pool feeling mildly upset. oh well. i really hope it doesnt happen next time. goodbye.

7 - 19 - 20

22:09

270

hello. well, yesterday was a walk in the park compared to today. i dont want to get into too much detail, but the long story short is that my mother got into a bit of a car accident while trying to go get something that ive been craving for a while. no one was hurt, but my dad made me feel guilty about the whole situation by mocking me for wanting what she left to go get. i didnt even ask her to go today, in fact i wasnt even thinking about it at all, but she decided to go and i thanked her for it before she left. my mother reassured me that it wasnt my fault, and i am aware of that, but it was such a mean thing for him to act like i somehow caused her to get into an accident. i may dislike my family, but im not plotting to go get them hurt or anything like that. besides, she left without me even mentioning the thing i wanted.

my friend was really nice and comforted me while i freaked out alone in the house. my sister told me to turn off the oven and take the chicken out and place it on the counter, and it took a few minutes of hyping myself up to even do it. im very afraid of ovens and stoves, and the stress from everything going on made me act very... concerningly? is that a word? i cried a lot and repeated phrases over and over again, basically.

that was the main event of today, and there were other bad events sprinkled throughout today as well (blood bruise on my middle finger, angry over a trivial thing again, too many people trying to interact with me, et cetera). i hope that that event was the climax and things will start to calm down after today. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 18 - 20

23:06

269

hello. i knew today was going to be one of those days where everything goes wrong. this morning, i got really angry over something trivial and i just had the gut feeling that today was wrong. i tried to not make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but everything that happened today seemed like it was going to happen regardless. my mother cleaned the bathroom today, and the bathroom always smells awful when she cleans it. it is weird too, since cleaning the bathroom is supposed to make the bathroom NOT smell awful. also, my dad got pretty mad today and started yelling which scared me. im going to end this entry here since im pretty tired. goodbye.

7 - 17 - 20

22:49

268

hello. today was good. it was pretty rainy, so i just laid down and relaxed. at night, right before i sleep, my brain has been bothering me to check the ceiling for bugs. last night, i checked the ceiling and i noticed what i thought was a spider hanging on the ceiling above where my head is, so i immediately left my room since i was too tired to deal with it. i went to go sleep on the couch and i told my mother about the spider, which prompted her to check for herself. turns out it was just a piece of dust, so i thanked her and moved back to my room. i spent a good minute or so checking the ceiling over and over again just in case, and then i thought i saw another bug. upon closer inspection i realized that it was another speck of dust, so i immediately just gave up and laid back down since it was clear that i would just keep scaring myself for no good reason. i wanted to mention that because i thought it was really funny. im going to end this entry here since i dont have anything else to say. goodbye.

7 - 16 - 20

21:47

267

hello. today was awful. it was okay for the majority of the day, but near the end of the day my sister warned me that our mother was planning on trying to get me homeschooled. my mother eventually approached me and asked if i would be okay with it, and i asked what her plan was, and she showed me some weird christian education website. i looked it up, and to the surprise and shock of absolutely nobody, they are anti-LGBT. so basically, letting myself be enrolled would be like shooting myself in the foot, but for my mental health. i put my foot down (for once) and told her that i am not using it, but she told me that she wont let me back to school physically if they reopen, and i will pretty much have no choice if they do. she wouldnt let me back not because she fears that i will get the virus, but rather because she thinks i could die from wearing a mask for too long.

during dinner today, i realized that we dont feel like a family at all. it feels like we are just four random people who are playing house, and the only thing that connects us is blood. we dont even look all that similar either. i would love to fly away from here for once, even for just one day. i would like to go somewhere where im not forced down some path i had no say in. i want to be who i want to be and i want to love who i want to love, but it seems like that is too much to ask for for some people. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 15 - 20

23:00

266

hello. today was alright. i got into an "argument" (it was more of funny bickering) with a friend today. i forgot exactly how it came up, but we started debating about the old tonguetwister involving peter piper picking a peck of pickled peppers. i thought that it would be possible for peter to be the one who pickled the peppers, while my friend was adamant that it would be impossible since him "picking" the peppers implies that he is buying them from a store, meaning that he wasnt the one who pickled them in the first place. i was trying to argue that it would be possible for peter to pickle several pecks of peppers, and then choose a certain peck out of the other ones, but they did not want to hear it. it was really funny. other than that, i mostly just laid down today. im going to end this entry here since i didnt really do much other than those two things. goodbye.

7 - 14 - 20

21:26

265

hello. i think today was good. i paced around a lot today, and when i wasnt pacing i was just laying down. im pretty sure ive said this before, but just to repeat myself, this summer is just going to be filled with entries talking about how i just stayed in bed for the whole day. i mean, all of my previous summers had me laying in bed a lot, but since i cant go anywhere this year, it is just going to be me laying in bed. that is it. im hoping to muster the energy to do something, literally anything productive, but until then, i hope youre prepared for a bunch of boring entries. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 13 - 20

21:45

264

hello. today was alright. i mostly just laid around, i think. i also played some minecraft with my friends, which was nice. im sorry for a short entry, but i cant think of anything else to say, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 12 - 20

21:38

263

hello. well, today was something. i had a really big dysphoric meltdown after looking at a picture of myself for some reason. it was fun, and by fun i mean i had to shove tissues into my mouth to muffle the sounds i was making. seriously, they seem to block out almost every sound, it is incredible. i would love to talk to my family about this issue again, but the way they treated me last time makes me shudder. i was basically trying to explain the unexplainable as much as possible all while sobbing my eyes out. i fear the same thing will happen again, and it likely will since making any sort of significant change to my life makes me start crying, but i dont think i can live a lie for the rest of my life. maybe in the future. maybe.

my father lit up the firepit today, and we made smores. it was nice, although i wish the mosquito repellent actually worked. there was also this huge beetle that was right behind me. at first i started to coo at it, but then my sister reminded me that it could fly, and i quickly backed off. i dont have anything else to say for today, so goodbye.

7 - 11 - 20

20:47

262

hello. today was good. it was sunny outside, so i got to lay in bed with my cat and relax. other than that, i didnt really do much. im sorry for such a short entry, but im very tired and i dont really have anything else to say. goodbye.

7 - 10 - 20

22:17

261

hello. today was alright. it was raining very heavily today, but i like the rain so it was fine. my headrest pillow came in the mail today, so now it will be a bit more comfortable to sleep finally. my old headrest pillow had to be thrown out a while ago because it was basically falling apart, so for a while it has been pretty uncomfortable trying to sleep. also, i really want to ramble right now. i am getting so frustrated with both myself and these circumstances. im so tired of this house. it is so tiny and i have been living my life in 3 different rooms. this problem hasnt even been caused by quarantine, but it has definitely accentuated it due to the fact that i cant really leave my house all that much. it also feels like everyone in the house follows me around the second i leave my room. if i go into the kitchen, people suddenly want to go into the kitchen. if i go into the living room, everyone follows me there. it is pretty creepy to be honest, and they get offended if i get up and leave.

around a week ago i sat on the couch in the living room since my room was incredibly hot, and after a few minutes or so my mother came out and sat right next to me. i felt incredibly uncomfortable, and she asked me "you arent going to run, are you?". very frightening word choice right there. after she said that, i waited for a few minutes before finding an excuse to well, run. i dont really think i can blame myself though. if my mother gets too close to me, she starts to point out the flaws in my body. ive lost count of how many times she has gotten close to me and gotten angry at me for the hair on my face, forcing me to have to unexpectedly get on guard to defend myself. it has lessened now, but it occasionally happens and she always says that she "cant help herself", which is quite worrisome to hear. it implies that her default state is to harass her child about something they like about themselves, and that me asking her to do the simple task of being nice to me is going against her instincts. why am i not surprised?

my friends are also starting to wear me down. i have been hanging out with them almost every single day and i just feel nauseous now. one of them has been occasionally slipping up and referring to me with pronouns that i have never ever even used in front of them before, and it is really, really, really weird and concerning. ive been reassuring myself that it has just been accidents, but it isnt exactly fun to be forced onto a voice call after having a gender dysphoria-induced breakdown and then be misgendered by my friend, just saying. and i say forced because they had been messaging me for two days trying to get me to hang out with them, even though i couldnt because i was hanging out with another friend i hadnt seen in actual months. then when i finally was home and able to play, i had a breakdown in the bathroom from the dysphoria, but i couldnt postpone the call so i had to toughen up and endure the call until i could go to sleep. i dont really like how it has gone from enjoying the calls to enduring them. i feel like in every friendship i am in, i am trapped by this weird inability to set boundaries. the boundaries i try to make act the same as paper, and people just trample over them with little hesitation. this happened in 2017, and this is happening now. please, please, please believe me when i say that i am trying.

im getting upset now, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 9 - 20

22:46

260

hello. today was... bad? good? sort of good but ended up really bad? it was fine until i started sobbing in the bathroom. it got so bad that i ended up drinking a little bit of the water from the faucet. dont do that by the way. it doesnt taste the same as the water you normally drink. well, at least mine doesnt. immediately after that i had to go eat a dinner i didnt like that much, and my father came to the dinner table a bit angry. after all of that, i had to go into a voice call with my friends even though i really just wanted to lay down and sleep for a while. im really tired after all of that, and i didnt even do that much today besides that, so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 8 - 20

11:37

259

hello. im writing this entry really early because i dont think i will have access to my laptop later today and i dont want to skip a day. it seems like my tasks are a bit easier now for some reason. im definitely not complaining though. also, i forgot to mention this yesterday, but the crystals are my rock are done and they look very pretty. im going to end this entry here because i dont really have anything else to say. goodbye.

7 - 7 - 20

21:52

258

hello. i dont remember a lot of today either. ive somehow found myself in the midddle of feeling okay and feeling absolutely atrocious, and it is a really weird place to be. one second it seems like all of my tasks are incredibly easy, and then the next i feel too tired to do anything. it is incredibly annoying when the tasks are basic things i need to do every single day. oh well. anyways, from what i can remember today was okay but pretty bland, so i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 6 - 20

21:36

257

hello. im very tired right now, so expect a short entry. im sorry. i... dont remember much of today. i think i laid around. my glasses broke again today, so my dad had to fix them. i really, really, really cant wait to get new glasses. i also have a really bad headache right now. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 5 - 20

22:46

256

hello. well, today was... a day. i wanted to try to feel better today, but then something bad happened. my mother and my father ended up having an argument about how my mother pays more attention to conspiracy theories online than us. the argument started right in front of my face in the kitchen, and i ended up quietly drinking my water with shaky arms and pretending that i was busy listening to music on my phone. my father later apologized to me, and i quietly accepted it and went into my room to lay down. my father is very passive aggressive when he is angry, and even though he said sorry i was still shaking. i agreed with everything he said though. since my mother is busy catasrophzing, my father is busy getting angry, and my sister betrayed me, ive mostly just been busy swallowing my own thoughts and emotions to hide it from them. ive had this realization in the back of my mind now, but whenever i use my voice to say my thoughts, everything feels very offputting and i get very uncomfortable. hearing my real name being spoken makes my heart drop to my ankles. i had a dream a few days ago where i got to visit my school for one last time before online classes ended, and my old music teacher spotted me and called me "mel", my correct name. i didnt say anything, but i felt like i needed to go lay down for a few centuries. it isnt a bad thing, obviously, but if someone said it and directed it towards me, it would mean that they knew and i was undergoing their scrutiny.

im sorry for the tangent. i just let out a few tears so i think im done with that. today was good besides that event. i did some "gardening" (AKA digging holes and letting my dad put plants into them), and i found a cool rock that might have some visible iron in it. i also started this experiment thing i bought from the dollar store a while ago, where i can make crystals form on rocks. that takes two days though, so i guess i will just have to wait and see. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

7 - 4 - 20

22:48

255

hello. today was pretty awful. my aunt and my cousin came over today, and i just hid out in my room for the whole time since i didnt feel good. i was really irritable since i just havent been having a good week in general. i feel better now thankfully, but it was really painful. everyone kept staring at me during dinner and i felt very embarrassed. im going to end this entry here because im very tired. goodbye.

7 - 3 - 20

23:29

254

hello. well, just by looking at the time you can probably tell that the plans i made for today during my last entry did not go as planned. i got so wrapped up in trying to find a game that i played when i was younger that i didnt realize dinner was ready. i had a shrimp gyro which made me really happy, but then i had to lay down for a bit because it gave me a stomach ache, and then i got on call with my friends and time started to pass quickly. by the way, i didnt find the game, mainly because the only memory i have of it is a bunch of blotted colors and a general plot. oh well. im going to end this entry here since i didnt really do much today. goodbye.

7 - 2 - 20

22:29

253

hello. today was actually really good. the weather was nice, so i got to have the sun shining through my window as i played toontown. i also got to recreate one of my favorite summer memories, which is eating cherries while watching the animal crossing movie. on a side note, i really think i should start writing my entries at least before dinner, since my friends keep wanting to keep me on calls until midnight. i have no problem with that, it is just that i need to get an entry in before midnight, and leaving a call at 11:45 and having fifteen minutes to cram as much information as possible into an entry worries me. also, my motor tics get worse the longer i am awake. my eyes also dry up, and since my eyes keep rolling around in my head, you might be able to imagine what that feels like. im going to end this entry here since im very tired now. goodbye.

7 - 1 - 20

23:03

252

hello. well, today was better than yesterday, i will give it that. i may not have done anything of significance today, but at least i wasnt sobbing my eyes out in the basement again. it seems like im slowly feeling better thankfully. i want to get things done, but it might take a while. im going to end this entry here. im sorry, and goodbye.

6 - 30 - 20

22:39

251

hello. well, today was not good at all. last night, after writing that entry, i crossed out everything i had yet to do that today and sat on my bed with the light on for a few minutes before going to sleep. today i didnt really do anything besides pace around in my basement and lay down. i was incredibly dysphoric today as well, which obviously didnt help. im sorry that these entries are getting short. im going to end this entry here since i feel so tired. goodbye.

6 - 29 - 20

22:45

250

hello. this entry will likely be short since i am not in a good mood. earlier today i tried to get back into my old hobby of making things with beads, however i got very frustrated and literally had to go sit in "time-out" for a while. i was okay for a while, but now i just got out of a voice call with my friends that has left me spinning. i really, really, really like to interact with them, but the calls usually make me feel like i am going to be sick. there is so much noise and everyone is asking me to do something and i just feel like hiding under my desk until the noise stops. i feel like i am going to explode one of these days, but the most stressful thing is that i cannot tell when. i worry that one day my emotions will come to a head and then burst like a balloon and i will cease to feel anything anymore. im not going to lie though, it would be very helpful. i would like to experience a mild problem without sobbing my heart out for once. well, either that or freezing up on the spot and being unable to act. seriously, it is comical. the whole "time-out" thing does seem to work with anger at least. oh well. i am going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 28 - 20

22:29

249

hello. it seems like i cant remember much of today. im pretty sure i laid in bed, but the rest is a bit foggy. im sorry, i really dont have much to say today because i cant remember anything significant. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 27 - 20

22:03

248

hello. today was boring. i mostly just sat around. i did get to have fish for dinner, which was great since i am a very big fan of seafood. it's really annoying how i am unmotivated for the entire day, however when it nears the end of the day and i don't have the strength to do much, i am suddenly filled with motivation that will likely leave me in the morning. since i didnt do much today, i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 26 - 20

21:30

247

hello. last night was.... weird. i felt ashamed for some reason, and i decided to write down all of my problems, which ive been meaning to do for a while. there is obviously something that isnt right with me, and i wanted to at least list out evertyhing wrong and see if i could come up with any solutions or recognize any patterns. it is very interesting to see problems clearly branching from other problems. i have low self-esteem, which leads to low self-confidence, which then leads to just overall general fear. i dont think i will be able to see a therapist in a long time, so im basically trying to do DIY therapy with myself. think of me like a very unqualified plague doctor, but for my own mental health. anyways, onto today. today was alright. i still feel a bit dirty but it is getting better. i also got a new charger, which is good. im going to end this entry here because i want to take a shower. goodbye.

6 - 25 - 20

22:45

246

hello. today was... somewhat bad? i felt really gross today for some reason. the air felt heavy and i just felt incredibly dirty for a good portion of the day. i also ended up breaking my phone charger that my father bought for around twenty dollars a month ago, so now i have to use my old half-broken one until i get a new one. i also felt like everyone was a bit... angry this morning? but that was probably just me though. im fine now, but today was a bit rough. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 24 - 20

23:24

245

hello. today was good. i got a few things done, which was nice. i was pretty angry earlier, but im okay now thankfully. other than that, i mostly just laid around. i should probably mention that this entire summer is probably just going to be me laying around and occasionally going in the pool. if there werent a pandemic going on, i would also have my friends over, however i assume you know the drill by now. i actually had a dream last night where, in order to stop the virus from spreading, we were all kept in cells, which sounds a lot like something birthed by my mothers conspiracies. the lady watching over me was actually super nice and relaxed, which was nice. anyways, im going to end this entry here since it is getting late and im very tired. goodbye.

6 - 23 - 20

22:29

244

hello. today was alright. i just got out of a voice call with my friends, and i feel so exhausted. i love talking to them, but sometimes they start repeating thngs over and over and my misophonia goes off. other than the voice call, i didnt really do much today. i played some minecraft and then laid down for a while. that is it. im going to end this entry here since i have nothing else to talk about. goodbye.

6 - 22 - 20

23:14

243

hello. today was good. i went in the pool, which was really fun. it felt nostalgic. i also got to wear my poncho today, even though it was incredibly hot. i think im completely done with schoolwork now, which i am beyond relieved for. im very tired, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 21 - 20

22:17

242

hello. since today was fathers day, a bunch of people came over. i mostly hid out in my room because i was (and still am) quite tired. since there were people over, i didnt really get to do much other than lay down. im just going to end this entry here because i cannot think of anything else to say. goodbye.

6 - 20 - 20

21:42

241

hello. last night was a bit... hectic. after i wrote that last entry, i quickly finished up the essay and went to take a shower. i dont exactly want to go into too much detail since im quite embarrassed, but during that shower i had a very bad anxiety attack where i was convinced that i was going to die. it got so bad that my mother and my sister got involved, although they didnt know why i was freaking out. i even dreamt about it last night. everything dissolved overnight thankfully, but i was (and still am) very embarrassed. i woke up with a very painful headache, and i needed to take medicine for that. i had to go get my haircut today, so i did that. my father and i were also planning on going to a certain mall today. it said they were open online, however it turns out the place was actually closed. we decided to instead head to a thrift store, and on our way there i spotted another mall that ive been wanting to go into for a while however i completely forgot about it. i got a nice poncho and a baby porcelain clown doll in there. i also got two furbys and a furby keychain at the thrift store, so today started off quite awfully but ended very nice. i still feel a bit dazed from the anxiety attack though, but im sure it will end soon. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 19 - 20

21:29

240

hello. where do i even begin with what happened today? today wasnt a "nothing bad happened, i just felt awful for some reason" day. it was a "nearly everything that happened fell apart" day. first, i had to take a test and write an essay today. the test was on something i didnt understand, and the essay is (yes, i am still writing it) about a book i havent read. luckily i was able to weasel my way through the test and i got a good grade, but it still stressed me out. like i said yesterday, my aunt and my cousin came over today, as well my grandma. in the beginning of their visit i was sitting with my cousin on my parents bed since the room had air-conditioning, and after a while i decided to get up. i turned to look for my glasses, and it turns out i had been sitting on my glasses and one of the legs snapped off. i gave it to my father to see if he could fix it, and he examined it for a few seconds before telling me he couldnt fix it and handing it back to me. after that happened, i had to go into the pool with my little cousin. we were playing, and then i decided to try to sit in the middle of an inner tube. usually this works out fine, but today i miscalculated and leaned too far back, causing me to topple over. i desperately tried to avoid going underwater since the water was freezing cold and i didnt even have goggles on, and in the middle of my struggle i ended up inhaling a little bit of water. we both ended up getting out of the pool after that happened. i dont know why, but after inhaling the water i felt a wave of fatigue cover my body and i needed to lay down. i was worried i was experiencing secondary drowning or something of the sort since i also felt dizzy and a bit nauseous, however it has been a few hours and i feel fine now so i think i should be okay.

i had to basically fight to be left alone today. my little cousin kept trying to show me things on her ipad, and while normally i would sit and listen, i had a bad headache as well and i just wanted to be left alone. i ended up locking myself in my room with a glass of water to try to regain my senses, but of course she kept knocking on my door, asking to be let in. i kept trying to explain that i didnt feel well, but that didnt really stop her. eventually dinnertime came around, so i went out to eat. my mother had ordered chinese food. my mother and my father were in their room attempting to use a leg and a screw from my mothers old pair of glasses to replace the one broken on my pair of glasses. my aunt was handing out the food and everyone was asking her for things and my cat was knocking over things and the television was making noise and my aunt was calling out for my mother and everything was overwhelming me. after eating, i went back to my room to lay down, but i had to go and interact with my little cousin since she wouldnt stop approaching my door. i barely said anything to her because i just felt so ill and i wanted to be left alone.

i hope i dont come off as a jerk for what i did. i was super excited to see her today, but after inhaling the water i just felt so sick. i tried to explain that i just needed to be left alone, but she kept pushing screens into my face and asking me to do things while i just wanted to keel over. theyre gone now, and now im just trying to finish up this essay as best as i can. im going to end this entry here so i can just finish it and go to sleep. goodbye.

6 - 18 - 20

21:49

239

hello. today was somewhat alright. i felt fine at the beginning of the day, but as the day went on i started to feel worse and worse. i did get some homework done, but i have to take a test and write a few paragraphs tomorrow. this would normmally be a bit worrisome but ultimately fine, however my little cousin and my aunt are coming over again tomorrow. im nervous that i wont have enough time to do all of this. i want to get it done now, but i still feel upset and tired. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 17 - 20

21:03

238

hello. today was great. i decided to get my homework done earlier today (for obvious reasons), and i feel better. i also did some homework that is due in a few days, so the workload will be lighter. believe me, i have learned my lesson, i promise. other than that, i mostly just laid in bed and relaxed, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 16 - 20

22:12

237

hello. well, last night was a bit of an emotional journey. i actually didnt do my homework, i was serious about that. i had been having fun with my friends when i had realized that i had homework to do. i realized this at 22:45. for my english assignment, i had to watch a one hour and twenty-five minute long documentary, meaning that i would finish exactly at midnight. it was due at midnight. upon seeing this, i had to excuse myself for the rest of the night since i wouldnt be able to be happy. that english assignment wasnt the only assignment i had to do, so i desperately started to open all of the tabs required. then something snapped in me and i got incredibly angry, leading to the entry i posted last night. even through my clear exhaustion and frustration, i still agree with what i posted last night. anyways, i should probably stop ranting about last night and start talking about today. today was alright. have i mentioned that my father has been a bit concerned for me lately? he keeps asking me if i am okay and i seriously am, and today my father finally pulled me aside and asked me if my mother was making me upset. again, i am fine. his concern is actually starting to make me concerned, because he only asks that if i am actually upset. other than that, today was good. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 15 - 20

23:06

236

hello. now... i cant cry right now. i physically cannot. my eyes hurt too much to do anything other than twitch and tic around inside my sockets. my teachers have been slowly wittling away at what remains of my respect for them, and today they struck a sensitive and painful nerve. do you think that it is acceptable to force people to work during such a scary and nerve-wracking time? does that sound right to you? i cant do this homework. it is too late. throughout this entire year, i felt awful for each and every one of them because of the students they had to endure, but they pushed me past my breaking point. im not doing this work, and i am going to bed. if i fail, i fail. i dont care. what cant come out as tears comes out as words. we have ten more days until school ends. a little over a week. and you are still assigning hour-long videos to watch? and you are still ordering for paragraphs to be written? what is wrong with you? i cant cry. goodbye.

6 - 14 - 20

21:24

235

hello. when i was writing that entry last night, i was in a call with my two friends and playing a game with them, so i had to quickly write something for my entry. i actually cant remember what i did yesterday besides the call, so i guess it wasnt important. anyways, today was... weird. i felt very groggy and tired for the entire day, and my head felt like it was on the brink of getting a headache. everyone kept asking me if i was okay, and it was the first time in a while where they asked me if i was okay and i actually was. well, not physically, but whenever they ask me if im okay theyre usually asking about my mental state. i feel better now, thankfully, but i felt like a bit of a ghost today. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 13 - 20

23:45

234

hello. today was good. i cant really say that much right now because im talking to my friends, and i also cant remember what i did. i just laid down all day probably. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 12 - 20

22:07

233

hello. well, i woke up this morning with really bad nausea and cramps, so that was an... experience. the only thing i ate for breakfast was yogurt since i felt like i was going to throw up. i ended up crying in the bathroom from the pain. the pain subsided as the day went on, so thankfully im okay now. my father told me that he is opening the pool tomorrow, which im very excited about, but also nervous. last summer was absolutely awful, and i spent most of it drifting quietly in the pool and trying to figure out what i should do to help myself. im nervous that getting in the pool again will make me remember and get upset. oh well. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 11 - 20

10:33 PM

232

hello. as you might have seen, i added some information to the canvas earlier. during this afternoon i noticed that it seemed like i was willing to do almost anything in order to procrastinate doing that. like other loopholes that ive found within my flaws, i tried to exploit it as much as possible by getting up and cleaning my room a little bit. i didnt completely clean my room (that would be take a good half of a day maybe), but it was enough for me to put some things away which was nice. after a while, i was able to basically force myself to update the page. i really dont know why i dont want to write anything, and im sorry. im going to end this entry here, but before i do, i want to mention that i think i will start to use 24-hour time for my entries instead starting tomorrow. i started to use it on my phone after i got tired of waking up from naps and not knowing what time of day it was (the lockscreen on my phone doesnt show AM or PM), and now im starting to like it better than splitting the day into two halves. anyways, i will end the entry for real this time. goodbye.

6 - 10 - 20

10:25 PM

231

hello. today was okay. i just got out of the shower maybe around half an hour ago, and i suddenly remembered that i forgot to update the pages i was going to remake today. i started to walk towards my room so i could update at least one page, but then my dad suddenly shouted a swear word at the top of his lungs from his room, and i got so scared and i felt like i wanted to cry. my brain feels a bit scrambled right now after that. im sorry. if it makes things any better, i have "update somewhere" as two of my tasks for a schedule-managing app i have on my phone, so it will be a little harder to forget. also, my charger decided to start breaking for some reason, even though i havent been that rough with it and i only started using it around a month ago. life is starting to get annoying. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 9 - 20

10:24 PM

230

hello. earlier this morning i deleted all of the information on the the song shrine and the canvas. this is because i was going to remake both of them today, but unfortunately i got distracted. maybe tomorrow? anyways, today was good. i spent today talking to my friends. time seemed to pass way too quickly. i wanted to do more things, but before i realized it, it was already time for dinner. weird. im going to end this entry here since i want to finish my homework. goodbye.

6 - 8 - 20

10:50 PM

229

hello. today was alright. when quarantine started, i made an internal promise to myself that i would never even think about holding a pair of scissors or a razor to my hair. while ive followed through with this promise so far, it seems like i forgot to do the same thing with my eyebrows. dont worry, i didnt mess them up too bad. i tried to be as careful as possible, and now i cant stop staring in the mirror to make sure that they are symmetrical. if i did mess them up, then i guess no one can spot it since no one in my family has mentioned anything about my eyebrows to me. other than that... event, i spent most of today zoning out in front of my laptop with vaporwave music blaring in my headphones and the sun shining through my open window. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 7 - 20

10:50 PM

228

hello. today was amazing. i talked to my friend about everything that had happened in my past, which ive never really done before. i mean, ive mentioned it to people once or twice before, but i never was as in-depth as i was today. she told me that i was a living inspiration, which was really flattering to hear, but unexpected since i always see what happened as small and silly events even though they have shaped my life in so many negative ways. sometimes it feels like the events never even happened to me, even though they clearly did. looking back on everything and seeing myself acting in such a way that is so different from who i am now makes me feel like that was a different person. im so grateful for my friends, and i so desperately want to pick them up and swing them around and do a little dance and hug them as much as i can. ever since 2017 i had just assumed that i was damaged goods and i had doomed myself to a life of solitude, of looking in from the outside but never allowed to enter, but simply their presence is helping me gather up what i had left behind. it is amazing, and i want to help them too. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 6 - 20

10:11 PM

227

hello. today i sort of laid around. i tried to run around in my backyard a bit during the afternoon, and it felt really nice, but feeling sweaty afterwards wasnt. i know that exercising is supposed to make you feel happier, but i felt like crying after i got inside and im not sure why. i think i will do it again tomorrow. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 5 - 20

9:33 PM

226

hello. well, i forgot that my aunt and my little cousin were going to show up today. it was pretty fun. near the end of the day, my sister and my aunt were making funnel cakes and they were really good. when my aunt and my little cousin were leaving, though, my mother started crying. i think she might have been crying because she didnt want her sister to leave, but that doesnt seem right to me because it isnt like they are going to be gone for a long time. in fact, im pretty sure that they are going to come back as soon as the pool opens, which might be in a week or two. i handed my mother a tissue box and asked her what was wrong, but she shushed me with frantic gestures, so i have no idea what that was about. my father also got pretty mad over some plug not fitting into an outlet, so he started yelling a bit and i sort of hid in the bathroom (even though i was already there when it had started, i just stayed in there until he calmed down). everyone seems to think that i would be good at supervising children, but i am probably the opposite, and it becomes very clear when im tasked with watching over my little cousin. see, while most people my age would be able to discipline a child, i become a child myself. my little cousin could ask me if we could have cookies before dinner, and i would think that that would be a fantastic idea. in my defense, though, i would probably hesitate for a few seconds. i mean, obviously i dont let her go and trash the house and make a mess, but come on. cookies before dinner sounds great. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 4 - 20

10:01 PM

225

hello. today i tried to clean out my computer files. i was trying to play a game and i got really frustrated that it was incredibly slow, so out of frustration i started to just clean out as many things as i could. i mean, my computer is still slow, but i got some things at least a little bit more organized i suppose. i want to organize more things tomorrow, but i guess i will see how that goes. i updated my laptop too, but i already miss the old design to be honest. the titles for my desktop icons used to be in white text and in a certain font, and now they are black text with a different font and it is really weird for me to look at. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 3 - 20

10:22 PM

224

hello. today was great. i actually managed to complete a majority of my daily tasks early in the day. also, it seems like my teachers are starting to slow down with the work, which im very excited for. in this beginning of quarantine, my daily life consisted of riding the waves of homework as they would grow bigger and shrink smaller but never disappear. now i barely have any assignments to do. i talked to my friends today. i wanted to go outside, however it was raining so i had to just stay inside. im sorry for the short entries recently, but life has been pretty boring. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 2 - 20

10:04 PM

223

hello. today was good. as i started typing this, i remembered what i said yesterday about brute forcing. i... forgot. im sorry. i played sky with some of my friends today. we spent a while trying to get out of bounds so we could see the elders and it was so pretty. im still so happy that i finally made friends again. i dont know how long it will take me to stop being so excited over this. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

6 - 1 - 20

9:20 PM

222

hello. today was... alright? i couldnt sleep last night because i couldnt stop thinking about awful things, and then during the afternoon my brain reminded me of something different yet even more disturbing. im still writhing in my seat. other than that, today was okay. i played my kalimba for the first time in a while. i dont know what motivated me, but im glad it happened. im thinking about trying to brute force my way into doing things that ive been wanting to do for a while, but havent been able to because im so tired. id love to clean my room, and update this website, and many other things, but right now it feels like following in the footsteps of yesterday is my most pressing issue. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 31 - 20

10:02 PM

221

hello. today was okay. i mostly just laid in bed and again, talked to my friends. having online friends again feels weird to me, since it has been a while since ive had a close friendship with someone online. also, all of my previous friendships did not work out, so im a bit... nervous, to say the least. it is very nice to have people to talk to when you want to talk about something, although i suppose i will save my nonsensical ramblings about things that dont matter that much for here. as much as i love my friends and my friends love me, im not sure if they would want to sit and listen to me talk about lucid dreaming for two hours straight. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 30 - 20

10:10 PM

220

hello. today was nice. i went to a flower shop, which was pretty fun. i bought this little cat statue that hangs off of flowerpots. it was super cute. i spent most of today just talking to friends and relaxing which was nice. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 29 - 20

11:29 PM

219

hello. this entry is going to be short because i am running out of time. before i forget, i want to mention something weird. ive noticed that i dont look that angry anymore. im not sure if i have mentioned this before, but for the past few years my resting face has been an angry scowl. im not sure why, and i dont think my face was always like that, but yesterday i was peering into the mirror when i noticed that my resting face is quite neutral now. i dont really know what happened. im going to end this entry here because i have an english assignment to do and it is almost midnight. goodbye.

5 - 28 - 20

9:49 PM

218

hello. last night was... an experience. my cat went missing last night. before i went to bed, my sister had asked me if i had him, and i said no. she left and i turned my lights off and laid in bed for a while before she opened my door after a few hours. i was a bit sleepy at this point, and she asked me again if he was in my room. i said no again, and she left, but after a few seconds i realized that this was probably serious, so i got dressed and came out. we spent at least ten minutes looking for him around the house. we were calling his name, shaking the bag of catnip, et cetera. i started to get a little worried, but we finally found him after a while. i was walking down the hallway, and i grabbed the basement door and opened it, and he came running out. he has a weird obsession with the basement for some reason. my father had to clean up his paws, and while everyone was quite mad at him for sneaking into the basement, we started to wonder how he got into the basement in the first place. since everyone knew i was trying to sleep in my room and my father was working in his room, my sister immediately turned and started accusing my mother of going into the basement. after all, apparently she heard her go downstairs. my mother got increasingly frustrated, telling her over and over again that it wasnt her. after a while, my sister gave up and went into her room, and then all of a sudden my mother remembered. apparently my mother had opened the basement door for a split second to check if the burner was on, however she didnt bother to turn on the lights so he snuck downstairs before she could close the door. mystery solved i suppose.

anyways, today was okay. turns out that the item i really want from the traveling spirit on sky: children of the light is pretty expensive, but it is a pretty enough item that i am willing to wring each area out of wax (enough wax can get you candles, which is currency in the game) for four days straight. a friend from sky who i havent spoken to in a while logged on today while i was hanging with my new friends, and i was super excited to see them. they wanted an easier way to contact me, and i asked them what platforms they use. the only one i had experience with was, well, discord. im not sure if i mentioned this, but the bad friend group i used to hang out with used discord to communicate with me, so i was incredibly wary to even look at the app again. i still had it downloaded on my laptop, so i decided to give it another try so i could talk to my friend. everything was fine, but it was quite annoying to constantly get reminded of what happened. the way we were talking was just so incredibly similiar to how i talked to the friend who ghosted me. oh well. i guess i will just have to get used to it. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 27 - 20

9:48 PM

217

hello. today went... awfully fast. earlier today i thought it was around lunchtime, so i got up and went into the kitchen and i spotted my mother setting the plates for dinner, which really surprised me. i thought today would go by slowly, too, since im waiting for a traveling spirit to show up tomorrow on sky: children of the light. also, my father set up the air conditioners in the house today, which was really nice. he does that every summer, along with putting up the curtain in the hallway to keep cool air on our side of the house. when the curtain is set up, i know that there is either no school, or school is basically almost over with. well, i guess there hasnt been school for a while, but every year before this year, the curtain has symbolized that. im pretty excited. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 26 - 20

11:20 PM

216

hello. today i went outside, which was... annoying. i wanted to try to do a handstand, but i obviously found that very difficult. i mean, i wasnt expecting myself to be able to do one today, but feeling myself crumple after putting both feet onto a tree was annoying. there were also a lot of bugs. well, either that or just pollen particles that i thought were bugs, since i dont have any bug bites on me right now despite being outside for maybe around half an hour. im really tired right now, so im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 25 - 20

8:53 PM

215

hello. i was planning on doing my english quiz right about now, but i cant find it on the google classroom. either my teacher has genuinely forgotten to post it, or he took it down so procrastinators like me cant complete it. oh well, i dont really care that much. anyways, today was... a day that probably happened. i dont know, i forgot. whoops. i remember waking up, doing some things, and then there is a huge memory gap between that and eating dinner, with occasional memories in between. i just got up from sitting in the kitchen, so maybe i zoned out too hard and lost my memory in there. im starting to find out that im seeking out the kitchen to just sit in solitude and silence, which always worries my family. after dinner, i bounce around the house until the sun is at a certain angle where it isnt bright as day, however it is still sunny out. either that or when it is growing dark outside, and the amount of light is somewhere between "i dont need to turn the light on" and "i need to turn the light on". when that happens, i go to the kitchen with my phone and sit down. alone. i dont know why. i just sort of scroll through my phone and absorb the noises of my family from the other side of the house. after a few minutes, someone eventually comes into the kitchen, usually my sister. she is always dumbfounded by why i am just sitting at the table. come to think of it, she is always shocked whenever i do... anything. one time she made fun of me(???) for standing next to a chair. what? whatever. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 24 - 20

10:39 PM

214

hello. well, today was a rollercoaster of emotions. i was so angry this morning that i cried a little bit. the rewards for the eye of eden on sky: children of the light resetted today, so i went in today with my friends while recording. my game started glitching out really badly, and i was really excited because it would be funny to have some glitchy footage to show to my friends. when i came out of eden, i went to go turn off the recording, when i realized that i had apparently not been recording at all, even though i clearly remember beginning to record. for some reason, i got really really really upset. well, i guess there were many reasons including the loss of the footage. i couldnt teleport back to my friends, i realized someone ate all of my favorite snacks in real life, i thought about all the homework i had to do, et cetera. i tried to hang out with my friends afterwards, but i had to leave shortly after because i felt so upset.

i feel better now, thankfully. i managed to get myself to stop throwing a tantrum and to start my homework early. if i hadnt done that, i would be freaking out with the amount of work right now. before i forget, i want to talk about my dreams last night. do you remember that dream a while ago, where i purposefully got lost and i felt happy about it? well, i had a similar dream last night where i got lost on purpose, however while during the first dream i turned left and kept walking, in this dream i turned right and kept walking.

when i stepped out of my house, the first thing i noticed was that my grandfather was limping outside, clearly injured. he called for me to help him, and while i really wanted to help him, something told me that something was wrong and that this wasnt my grandfather. that is when i turned right and began walking. i also remember that i knew i was inside a dream, but i wasnt all that lucid. i remember squeezing something tightly and telling myself to remember the feeling of being inside a dream. i dont remember exactly what i squeezed, but it felt very leathery.

hile in the first dream walking left led me to a small town, walking right in this dream somehow teleported me to someplace in korea. i should mention that i live in the united states and i have never been to korea, so i really dont know what my brain was doing. i befriended a specific woman who ran a small grocery store that sold flowers and candles i believe before i went to go leave. on my way to leave, two people attacked me and broke both of my wrists. i have never broken a wrist before, but i imagine it would hurt way more than how it hurt in my dream. my wrists just felt kind of sore.

this next part was very creepy for me. i somehow made my way into a hotel that was completely brown and dimly lit. i felt like i was being chased, so i began running and trying to find an exit. the key word there is "felt". i dont think i was actually being chased, and if i was then i cant remember. the problem with trying to find an exit was that for each door i opened, i was presented with at least two or more doors. what was interesting about this is that it seemed like my brain had a coherent map of the place, like the other dream i had where one of my characters from my daydreams (diana) joined me. while in most dreams of mine (and probably everyone elses) the layout of the area is not set in stone, in this dream and the other one, if i went into one room and went back to the previous room, it would remain the same. at one point, i remember opening a door and finding three more facing me, while there was a small hallway leading to another door. out of curiosity, i went down the hallway and opened the door. inside was a small child with their back turned to me, their face facing the screen of an old television. i dont remember what it was playing, and i think there might have been a woman in there too. i quickly ran out before they noticed me because seeing other people in the hotel made me feel nauseous.

in this dream, i was trying to rely on waking up before anything bad could happen. this usually happens in nightmares where i know i am inside a dream, but i cannot do anything. i remember a while ago, i had one nightmare where i had a long chain of false awakenings, but i couldnt do anything about it other than try to "tap into" my physical body and wake myself up. it is absolutely terrifying, because even though i am aware that it is only a dream and no physical harm will come to me, my brain can show me awful things if it wants to. i remember having one dream where i witnessed a classmate of mine being lit on fire and burning alive while screaming, which was... not pleasant, obviously. "not pleasant" is certainly an understatement.

im going to end this entry here because i have one more assignment that i need to finish. goodbye.

5 - 23 - 20

10:13 PM

213

hello. today was... alright? i think? i cant remember. im trying to do my health homework right now, but the questions are a bit... personal. i have to write how i felt this week, which makes me feel incredibly embarrassed for some reason. it is really odd how i can drop my heaviest emotions on this website to complete strangers, yet i cant bring myself to be truthful to someone i have literally met before. maybe giving faces to your audience causes you to become self-conscious? weird. anyways, im just using my entries as rough guidelines for what to write. there is no way i am going to talk about that huge thing that happened two days ago, with the misunderstanding and whatnot. maybe i will just say i have been doing... "meh". apparently that is how i described monday, and i suppose that is true. you ever get so frustrated with your life that you have to restrain yourself from doing something incredibly specific that you know you cant do? i was considering trying to do a handstand outside earlier, but it was supposed to rain. apparently it is great for exercising your arms, which i kind of need. i remember a while ago i was trying to play dodgeball, but i couldnt land a single throw. i tried to throw so hard that my right arm was still hurting a few days afterwards. im going to end this entry here because i really need to do my homework. goodbye.

5 - 22 - 20

11:03 PM

212

hello. today was okay. my grandmother and my aunt came over, so i took special care to stay away from them as much as possible, especially after they all left and came back from the dollar store. my grandmother gave me a big stack of magazines which are all about cats for some reason. not like that is a bad thing or anything. to be honest, i really like them. i read through some and they have nice tips on how to care for cats better, something which we might need for our two cats. my mother ordered chinese food for today, so that was good. i have homework to do so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 21 - 20

11:43 PM

211

hello. today was good, but since i cant remember the majority of today and something interesting just happened a few minutes ago, i will talk about the latter. i was playing sky: children of the light with my new friends when another friend showed up. i have chat enabled with my new friends (since i met them off of the game), while i didnt have chat enabled with my other friend. this means that they could not see anything that we were saying. after a while of hanging out, we decided to go into the valley of triumph for something my friend needed, and after doing so, they told us that they needed to leave. we decided to just hang out, when i had a funny idea. there is a glitch where if you hold someones hand, do an emote, grab your instrument, and then let go of their hand, it makes their character repeat the emote over and over again.

this isnt a permanent glitch or anything. in fact, it is super easy to break out of. you just need to jump, grab your instrument, do another emote, swim, or basically anything other than staying still or walking. i made them do a silly crab walk, and i let go of their hand and started doing a laughing emote. all of a sudden, they got really mad at me and started doing angry emotes and crying. i felt awful, so i started crying too, and i tried to do kissy emotes to show that i was sorry, but that didnt work. the area we were in didnt have any benches where we could have chat enabled either, so my new friend watched while we sort of cried at each other for a few minutes.

i was really, really, really embarrassed. not only did i hurt someones feelings, but i broke down in front of my new friend, who has always seen me as this goofy and bubbly person. i know, i know, it was the most trivial thing. i feel like most people would laugh it all off and ignore them, but i felt awful because i thought that this person thought that i was laughing at them, not with them. i know what that feels like. i was telling my new friend that i hated all of this and how i hate emotions, and they told me, "emotions are okay, mel.".

it was weird. very weird. well, normal for most i think, but foreign for me. in real life, i feel like most people project a personality onto me that is blatantly untrue, yet i try so very hard to fit into whatever they consider me to be because i do not want to left behind again. most people see me as a funny person. what does that do to me? well, i spend my entire life telling jokes and bottling up feelings that could be considered serious. to have someone tell me that emotions are okay was, well, incredibly relieving.

eventually, a friend of my friend showed up. they happened to be there when some servers merged, putting us into the same server. they had chat enabled with each other, and we lit each other up. i noticed they had a chat table instrument, which lets someone put down a table where four people can talk to each other. i asked my friend to ask them to put down a table, and they did so. we all sat down.

it turns out, this entire thing was a huge misunderstanding. in fact, they thought that i was mad at them, while i thought they were mad at me. since they couldnt see my chat, they thought i was mad and saying bad things about them to my friend, while i thought they thought i was laughing at them, not at the crab walk. we made up (i wouldve hugged them, but we didnt have hug unlocked and i didnt have enough candles to pay. the only emote together we have is the high-five, which, uh, doesnt really feel like it suits the mood, does it?), and i unfortunately had to go because it is very close to midnight. i thanked everyone (especially the friend of my friend. if they hadnt shown up, we would still be in quite the pickle!), said goodbye, and logged off.

i feel like the universe just showed me a clear guide as to how to communicate with people. i have serious problems with communication (im assuming since my family refuses to talk to each other when upset), and i feel kind of embarrassed being vulnerable in front of people and working through our problems. it feels like the stars just smacked me in the head with a clear example of a misunderstanding, communication, and an eventual resolution. after all, it feels like the majority of my problems in my real life are caused by a lack of communication. ever since i came out to my family as transgender, i dont know if they even genuinely love me anymore. i dont know if theyve forgotten. i dont know if theyre plotting against me. no one supported me when i did, even my sister who i genuinely trusted. it felt like i became lucid in a dream, and then all of the characters snapped and turned against me. now i dont tell anyone about anything. that is why i have this website.

oh my goodness, im really crying now. okay, change of plans, im ending this entry here before i get a major headache. goodbye!

5 - 20 - 20

10:22 PM

220

hello. to be honest, i cant remember much of what happened today. i remember laying around and trying to stretch... that is all i can really remember. the school year is so close to being over and i cant wait. im going to end this entry here since i cant think of anything else to say. goodbye.

5 - 19 - 20

11:10 PM

219

hello. today was okay. i got pretty mad this morning, but im fine now. im just pretty tired. all i want is for this school year to end. i want the pandemic to end. i just want to go to a store again. quarantine really brings out the weirdest desires, doesnt it? i guess it isnt weird for right now, but if you told 2019 me that there would be a pandemic next year, i wouldnt believe you. im going to end this entry here because i am tired. goodbye.

5 - 18 - 20

9:03 PM

218

hello. i feel meh. life seems so boring now, even though i know exactly what i want to do. i want to go outside and go to stores and interact with people, but i cant. i was so happy yesterday, even through the chaos and horror of it all, because i got to interact with people. of course, the happiness lasted until i checked my homework, but i still want to go outside and talk to people even though they scare me. i just cant because of the pandemic. ive never felt such an intense urge to connect with people before. it is very odd. ive always considered myself more of a shy and timid person, but im wondering if maybe ive been hiding behind those kinds of labels to justify stagnation. ive been making lots of friends online recently, and while i am super excited to talk to people, i am still nervous. i got so nervous during one conversation today that my stomach felt queasy and i had to go pace in circles. the conversation wasnt even about anything bad either, it was just that my brain kept sending me warning signals because the last time something like this has happened, it did not end well. after years of trying to isolate myself, im finally trying to reach out despite my brain yelling at me. my brain says, "those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it", but if i stay lonely for any longer i think i just might explode. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 17 - 20

10:50 PM

217

hello. today was actually pretty good, at least up until dinner. i finally went to a store for the first time in a few months, and it was quite chaotic. the line outside was incredibly long, but i did get a nice hat so i suppose it was all worth it. a few hours ago i was getting ready to start settling down, but i had to check what homework was due today. to my utter horror, it turns out a project that i was given three weeks to complete was due today. i hadnt even started it. it was an italian project. i say "was", because i managed to completely finish it in three hours. i didnt learn any new vocabulary, but i did learn that im pretty good at working under pressure. i tried to hide my exhaustion behind pretty fonts and funny pictures. i tried to be as silly as possible (he is that kind of teacher) in an attempt to basically beg him for a good grade. i am so tired. goodbye.

5 - 16 - 20

10:04 PM

216

hello. today i felt weird. a while ago i felt like i was really zoned out. i felt like i would just slip through my body and leave entirely. thankfully taking a shower helped me knock myself back into my senses, but it was kind of a scary feeling. before i forget, i want to mention that i had a dream about the friend whose messages to me i had reread. we were talking in the dream, but i dont remember what the conversation was about. when i think about the dream, though, my brain keeps showing me pictures of rainbows and my own smiling face, the latter being a bit weird. i dont really have anything else to say for today so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 15 - 20

10:20 PM

215

hello. im kind of meh right now. im trying to write a paragraph for my english class, but im a bit... stuck. i havent even started yet actually. i have to choose from three prompts, each of which asks me to recall my childhood. that is a bit of a problem for me because, well, i cant remember most of it. i only really remember the bad things. the first asks about a person or place that scared me during my childhood. the second one asks about experiences i enjoyed in my childhood. the third one asks about my first days of school. my english teacher has really backed me into a corner now. i suppose i could lie and just say something basic, but i feel like these are all asking for such specific things. i think im going to choose the second option since that is the vaguest one. i could just say something like, "i liked swimming and drawing." because, well, it is true. somewhat. i was a bit terrified of swimming every single time i stepped in a pool, but i liked to swim. i have to stretch this out into three hundred words though. im going to end this entry here so i can type up my paragraph. goodbye.

5 - 14 - 20

10:48 PM

214

hello. today was really good. i made two really good friends on sky, and now im super happy. it turns out i forgot to do an assignment that was due yesterday, which is weird since i thought i checked every single website and app to make sure i had no homework, but oh well. it is just chemistry. im not going to cry about it. i just finished it while i was typing the previous sentences up. im super tired right now, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 13 - 20

9:04 PM

213

hello. unfortunately, i didnt get any work done today. i started today off with an awful mood, but i started feeling happier and happier as the afternoon came. then around dinnertime my mood crashed to a point even lower than the one i started the day with. well, i guess i have a reason for it. my sister got really mad around dinnertime, and i think she was mad at me. i say "i think", because no one in this house really communicates with other people and lets them know when theyre angry, including me. a while before dinner, i was using the bathroom when my sister came up to the bathroom door and called for me. i said "what is it?", and i could hear her footsteps go to her room. i kept calling for her, and then she just said "nothing." in a quiet and angry tone. as she was walking to her room, i could hear the voice my mother asking, "what are you so mad about?" to my sister. my mother always says that phrase to my sister in a certain tone whenever she is mad.

i dont know what i did. actually, i dont even know if it was me, but the fact that she called for me seemed really weird. she glared at everyone during dinner and stabbed her meatloaf quite angrily a few times. i wish we could all just communicate with each other. i have a serious problem when it comes to communication and confrontation because of this exact reason. ive been raised by people who would much rather give each other the silent treatment than sit down and work out their emotions. thinking about two people sitting down and discussing their emotions with each other makes me burst out laughing even though that is literally the correct and mature thing to do in that situation. when im angry, i would much rather keel over and die than tell someone how im feeling, although if im pushed to my limit the latter usually comes out with a swarm of tears.

i would love to have a family member that could talk to me like we are equal. i often act foolish around my family (and others!) to get them to laugh, but the problem with that is that no one ever sees me as a human being. to them im just some court jester who is overstaying their welcome, and if i run out of jokes to tell theyll just make fun of me for their own entertainment. if someone in my life could just sit down with me and genuinely ask me how i am doing, i would be so happy. after i manage to force my tears to stop, of course.

tears are starting to swell up, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 12 - 20

10:43 PM

212

hello. im still tired. a while after i woke up, someone outside started blasting music for some reason. it was nine in the morning, so probably a good chunk of my neighborhood was still asleep, but i suppose this one neighbor decided it was the time to start playing dubstep that was loud enough for everyone to hear the vibrations. i spent most of today in bed, as you would expect, but im hoping to maybe start completing some more homework than usual tomorrow. i dont have anything due tomorrow, so maybe i will be able to force myself out of bed to go complete some things. when i forced myself to complete things on saturday, it felt absolutely heavenly to wake up on sunday and not have any homework to do. it was so unusual for me that i kept feeling like i had to check my usual homework websites to make sure i didnt have any work to do, because i felt weird not having at least one looming deadline hanging over me for the day. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

5 - 11 - 20

11:01 PM

211

hello. this entry will probably be short because im really tired. im starting to notice that im spending all of my days in bed, and then frantically doing all of my work at night. it is weird, too, because im stil tired, even after laying in bed for so long. my google classroom notifications keep telling me that my teachers are leaving private comments on my work, but i dont want to read them. im afraid theyll be concerned with the lack of effort im putting into everything. i even told my health teacher, after being asked how quarantine was going, that i was catching up on sleeping and that i felt "meh". im really just waiting for june to arrive and rescue me from the endless google classroom notifications. do this, do that. sign up for this website. download this app. you get the gist of it. i just want to lay down and sleep for a few months. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 10 - 20

9:41 PM

210

hello. thankfully everything went according to plan. i was very scared that everything would fall apart the second that the day started, but everything was fine. i decided to scavenge downstairs like i said yesterday, and i found my old tracfone from 2017ish, which was my first phone. i wanted to turn it on to see what it had, but i hesitated, because this phone has seen awful things and perhaps it would be best if i let sleeping dogs lie. i also was afraid to ruin my good mood, but i decided to push forward and charge it. i made an agreement with myself inside my head that if i saw bad things, i would turn it off immediately.

the lockscreen is of me wearing a shirt that i dont remember having. i realized that i forgot my password, and i was planning on just repeatedly giving the wrong password until it gave me the option to change it, but i actually somehow guessed the correct password. this tracfone doesnt have a numberpad for passwords, but instead a blank square where you just tap areas of the square for the password. the password was just tapping the same corner over and over again.

what frightened me the most was the lack of... everything. i only had three apps. neko atsume, kleptocats, and discord, which was the messaging app that i had used for a friend group who was awful to me in the past. most of the few pictures i had taken were of my now deceased cat, so it was nice to find those. i decided to open discord and try to login to my old accounts. i was successful.

i went into both of my accounts today. the first one just had some conversations with a friend in that friend group who later ghosted me. reading through it felt a bit... eerie. i had little to no memory of anything said in the logs, but i could recognize my own... digital handwriting, if that makes any sense? the way i type, i mean. some information i had completely forgotten about was there in the conversations. the leader of the friend group had a best friend. i had always assumed this best friend to have been my current age back then, but according to this conversation, she was younger than me at the time, which was... very frightening to hear. i remember that it took that best friend longer than me to leave the friend group, and i took an awfully long amount of time and it really hurt me. i hope she is doing okay. i dont blame her for what had happened.

the second account was... just me. well, i shouldnt say "just me", because there were some more conversations with the same friend on there, but there was a server i made just for me. i remember i had made that server after my friend ghosted me, because after she left me i had no friends left. i thought i would be lonely, so i made a server to just talk to myself in. there was an awfully large amount of messages in that server. i tried to find the beginning so i could read through everything i wrote, but i kept scrolling and scrolling and i realized it would be pointless. there are some things i remember completely, while others i dont remember at all. a lot of it was me freaking out and constantly talking about the daydream characters inside my head. i also left a message for my future self apparently. i have it saved on my new phone, but i dont feel like bringing it on here, so i will just summarize it. i was just basically telling myself that i hope everything is okay, and that i need to just breathe and calm down. i had ended it with something along the lines of "everyone is counting on you, mel.". the creepy thing is that that was the last message i posted in that server. i dont remember what i did, but it seems like i just left a message for my curious future self, and then ran away.

i feel like all of this sounds sad, and that i should have turned off my phone the second i saw the conversations with my old friend, but for some weird reason i didnt feel sad at all. i actually felt... happy, maybe? i have a memory gap from 2017 to around... actually, i cant remember where the memory gap stops. i just know that i cant remember most of my life from 2017 to 2018. this is where those memories went, and in some weird way i found them, although theyre hidden under gibberish and panicked typings. i used to feel like there was no transition from my past self to my current self. i felt like i woke up one day acting like this, but by reading some of the ramblings, i can somewhat identify the transition. many things i thought were recent and not from this time period were actually talked about by me in this server. everything is just so bizarre and i cant seem to put events in order. when did everything happen?

again, im not saddened by all of this. im happy that i can think about these things without crying. in these rambles, it is really obvious that the pain just kept haunting me and coming back in random intervals. now it feels like it never happened to me, or even happened at all. some names are all so unrecognizable and yet so familiar once i analyze the letters. all of the screenshots my friend sent to me are in horrible quality and cannot be read at all. i cant find context for some of the things we talked about, or even things i was talking about to myself. some names are mentioned that i cannot remember for the life of me, and yet the messages copied and pasted from on conversation to this one seem to have the people behind these names talk in frighteningly recognizable patterns, like the weird love child of deja vu and jamais vu. i am happy, but i am curious.

im going to end this entry here. goobye.

5 - 9 - 20

6:34 PM

209

hello. im sorry for having to cut my entry short yesterday. i had to finish some annoying english homework that had nothing to do with english. anyways, about yesterday. like i was saying, i stayed in the car with my mask on. i had a bit of a headache and i had been zoning out for quite some time before arriving at my cousins house, so i felt paralyzed in the car. i also obviously wanted to stay away from people because of what is going on. one woman from our family (i say woman because i think she is related to my family but i forgot what her relationship with my family is) was talking about how her lungs had recently been hurting for some time. thank you, but i think i will pass on the hugs this time.

today was a bit weird. my other aunt (not the mother of my little cousin whose birthday was yesterday) just... invited herself over. i was in my pajamas, just relaxing in my room, when i heard a ton of knocking on the front door. i assumed it was just some random salesperson or a very determined mailperson, but after a while of the knocking, someone in my family opened the door and welcomed whoever was on the other side. then i heard the voice of my aunt, and then i nearly shriveled up in my bed. after a frantic text to my sister, telling her that no one warned me that we were having a guest today, she texted me back telling me that no one had invited our aunt, and she just showed up for some reason. she ended up staying for an hour while i hid under blankets in my room. i was too tired to go out and say hello, so i stayed in my room for the entire visit. my sister told me that was rude, but i told her that our aunt didnt warn us of her visit at all, so i had no time to get ready and presentable. my sister laughed at this.

anyways, you might be wondering why this entry is a bit early. well, im actually planning to have a good day tomorrow, and i wanted to type this entry up now so i have time to do my homework. it sounds funny, i know, but im trying to get everything prepared so i can feel good tomorrow. tomorrow isnt really a special occasion for me. it is mothers day tomorrow, so technically it should be my mothers good day. well, i phrase that like im taking away her good day by having a good day myself. i started to realize that a lot of good things are happening tomorrow, and so i want to maximize my happiness tomorrow since ive been teetering on the edge of bursting out crying. first, the rewards for the eye of eden on sky: children of the light reset on sundays, so i can go through eden again and get more rewards. second, my father is making breakfast for the whole family. he is making french toast, which i really like. third, for dinner i am going to have a shrimp parm hero. ive never had a shrimp parm hero before, but shrimp is my favorite food and ive had a chicken parm hero before (which i really like), so that should be good. finally, my parents are getting the whole family two of my favorite desserts, which are cannolis (should i just say cannoli? cannolo is the singular since it is an italian word) and napoleons.

all of those events werent even planned. everything just aligned to make that happen, so im going to put effort in to make it way better. im doing the homework that is due tomorrow tonight so i can just sit and relax and not have to worry about doing homework. im also thinking about maybe scavenging downstairs, which is something i really enjoy. maybe i will get around to updating some parts of this website, since ive been really wanting to do that. im going to end this entry here so i can get started on the homework. i have to watch a one hour long documentary about something disturbing, according to my history teacher. how lovely. goodbye.

5 - 8 - 20

11:12 PM

208

hello. today was... interesting. today was my littles cousins birthday. if life was normal right now, i would have spent today over at her house, and i would talk about that. but life isnt normal right now, with the virus and whatnot, so we had to instead drive our cars by her house with handwritten birthday posters to celebrate her birthday. i was only expecting that and nothing more, and this morning i was especially hoping for that because everyone in the house seemed to be a bit tense, but instead my family actually got out of the car and started talking to people. i stayed in the car. i dont want to seem paranoid, but i didnt really like how my mother was laughing and bragging about being close to people with no mask on. im sorry. i need to end this entry here because i have homework due at midnight that isnt completed yet. i will talk more tomorrow. goodbye.

5 - 7 - 20

9:19 PM

207

hello. i feel weird right now. i dont know how to describe it. i am a weird mix of feeling angry and feeling calm at the same time. it is bizarre. today was actually pretty good to be honest. i spent a lot of today just feeling nostalgic because of the sun. is it weird to feel nostalgic over sunny days? every single time it is very sunny outside, i feel incredibly overwhelmed with nostalgia. i suppose what you feel nostalgic over is what dominated your childhood. while most people take sunny days as an opportunity to go outside, i see sunny days as the perfect days to sit inside with the window open and play video games. it is weird and a bit annoying. if my room gets a little too sunny, i usually feel like i will be on the verge of tears. anyways, enough with that ramble. i sat in my room today with the window open and i played the endless forest. well, i guess it was more like "sat there and watched the scenery and the people", but that counts as playing, right? anyways, i would love to go on the endless forest forums and maybe ask someone to help me become a mini deer in the game. it takes two people consciously working towards the same goal, and since there isnt a chat feature in the game i cant ask someone on the game to help. then again, i logged into the forums today and it seems like the entire thing is glitching since i cant see any new posts or news updates. weird. anyways, i will end this entry here since i dont really have anything else to say. goodbye.

5 - 6 - 20

10:07 PM

206

hello. i didnt wake up crying this morning, so thats good. i dont really remember what i dreamt about at all. anyways, today was fine. i laid in bed all day, and i ended up falling asleep next to my cat. my father told me that he had taken a picture of both us lying next to each other, covered up to our heads under the big blanket we were both under. during dinner, my mother mentioned wanting to make doughnuts. i assumed it was something she would do tomorrow or over the weekend, however around an hour or so after dinner she came into my room with a plate full of fried doughnuts and asked me to try one. i was surprised at how quick she was, but i tried one and it was good, so i had some more. i think i started to slow down when i bit into one and it was raw on the inside. she reassured me that there werent any eggs in the recipe, but believe me when i say that eating raw dough isnt the most pleasant experience. at first i thought the inside was just very moist, but then i touched the inside with the tip of my finger and the dough clung to it. gross. i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

5 - 5 - 20

10:06 PM

205

hello. i feel really sad and angry right now but i dont really know why. i want to mention something before i forget. i keep having nightmares for some reason. it has happened three days in a row now. i keep waking up with a lot of tears under my eyelids. i cant remember the other two, but i remember the one i had last night. in my nightmare last night, a majority of the internet was shut down, leaving only random unknown websites. i dont remember feeling upset to the point of tears about it (although it definitely was upsetting), but i think i started to cry because my friend was sobbing violently. i kept trying to console her but she just kept sobbing.

what is really weird about these nightmares is that i wake up feeling pretty refreshed after them. if it was a scary nightmare i would jolt awake. if it was a sad nightmare i would still feel weepy about it. but with these nightmares, i actually wake up sprawled comfortably across my bed with tears dripping down my cheeks. i feel very relaxed and calm after them. maybe these are all just coincidences though.

anyways, on to today. nothing that big happened until dinner time, when i got a message from my friend (the one sobbing in my dream) that she was going to go biking, and she wanted to know if my mother would let her stop by. my mother agreed, and so i told her yes, and she showed up later with her sister. we were all wearing masks and were very far away from each other, and we talked outside. before my friend showed up, my mother kept telling me to ask her to come inside. i should mention that my mother doesnt believe in the pandemic, and she even got a bit upset when i put on my mask. since they both were wearing masks and keeping their distance, it was safe to assume that they did not want to come inside.

tallked for a little bit, but i have very little idea of what we talked about. my family asked me later (since i was the only one standing outside), and i strained to remember. it was hard to hear them because of the outside noise, the distance between us, and the masks. we talked about how awful the schoolwork is and what we were doing at home, i think. it was a little awkward because there were so many people walking outside. i think i started to zone out because it started to feel like my situation wasnt real. i was in my pajamas, wearing a surgical mask, and talking to my friend from a distance while people watched. i havent gone into any building other than my own house for a month now. this all seems like a weird fever dream.

i really, really want to go somewhere else. anywhere else. my life has been reduced to eight rooms and the occasional sun on my skin. im just afraid to leave my house because i dont want to catch the virus and spread it to those with compromised immune systems. i need to get in the shower, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 4 - 20

10:02 PM

204

hello. here is yet another short entry because i feel groggy. i think i feel so groggy because of how bright everything is. the lamp in my room is too bright, my laptop screen is too bright, my phone screen is too bright, et cetera. i tried to put on sunglasses to dim everything down, but then everything becomes too dark. im currently using the lowest possible brightness on my laptop and it is still too bright. i feel like how i felt on my thanksgiving entry, however i am very much in control of my body right now. at least, i think i am. i will end this entry here because it is just too bright. im sorry. goodbye.

5 - 3 - 20

11:27 PM

203

hello. i finally got myself to go outside today. i didnt want to get a headache from the sun, so i waited until after dinner to go out so it wouldnt be as bright as it is in the afternoon. at first i just laid down on a towel, but after a while i started getting a bit bored so i started to wander around, trying to find things to do. my backyard is pretty small and boring, so i actually and wholeheartedly sat down and tried to smash a small rock with a big rock, just to see if i could break the small rock into pieces. i also walked around and tried to find any interesting rocks, but i couldnt find that many. i also found what looks like a piece of shedded snake skin, but i doubt that is what it actually is because my backyard doesnt have any snakes. sometimes i can find very weird things in my backyard. i remember one time i was walking around when i spotted what looked like a bone in my backyard. after a bit of hesitation, i picked it up and i realized that it was a very tiny plastic bone. i have no idea how it got into my backyard, but i still have it because it is interesting to think about. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

5 - 2 - 20

9:51 PM

202

hello. this entry is going to be short since i feel like im about to get a headache, so sorry in advance. i didnt do much today. i just laid next to my window like yesterday and zoned out. my aunt sent my family some masks in the mail for us to wear, so thats good since we didnt have any actual masks. we had some leftover fortune cookies in the kitchen, and out of curiosity to see if they would still be personal, i ate one. this one said something along the lines of there being a gradual yet positive improvement in my life, so thats good if it is true. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

5 - 1 - 20

11:04 PM

201

hello. i slept with my head right under my window last night. there is a window near the end of my bed, so i usually sleep with my feet under the window, however it was raining pretty hard last night and i wanted to fall asleep to the rain, so i put my pillow at the end of my bed and slept like that. it was very nice, but i had the urge to throw open the curtains so i could sleep with a little moonlight peeking through. i would love to do that, however i worry that someone will watch me sleep from outside. the birds were chirping outside when i woke up, so i kept my pillow near the window for the majority of the day. i mostly just laid down on my bed and watched a documentary on how babies think and act. im worried that that sounds creepy. a few days ago i was watching cute animal videos, which led to cute baby videos, which eventually led me to documentaries about babies and human nature. now more documentaries keep showing up in my recommended videos and they all look so interesting. besides, i had "read more about psychology" as one of my early quarantine goals, so i suppose that fulfills in it some way...?

ive been pretty excited to talk about my dinner today. not for the food itself (although it was absolutely delicious), but for what happened during it. during the afternoon my mother called our local chinese takeout place to see if they were open, and miraculously they were. she got so happy that she started excitedly screaming. she ordered our food later in the day, and it was pretty normal up until near the end. when my family orders chinese food, we usually receive fortune cookies with the food as well. whenever we eat a fortune cookie at the dinner table, we usually say it out loud for the others to hear. well, today was no different, except... the fortunes were, well, a bit creepily personal. my mother was first. she grabbed one, ate it, and then slowly said it out loud. i cant remember the exact phrase, but it said something along the lines of "freedom is found in those that agree with you, while growth is found in those that dont.". if youve read previous entries of mine, you know that my mother is known in my house for being a rampant conspiracy theorist that refuses to consider other sides. my sister, who usually calls my mother out for this behavior, gave her a big smirk and grabbed one for herself.

again, i cant remember the exact phrase, but my sisters fortune cookie said something along the lines of my sister being misunderstood greatly. my mother often believes that my sisters criticism of her behavior is a direct attack on her as a person. my mother and my sister stared each other down for a few seconds, before my mother mumbled "i should have gotten that one.". i thought that the first fortune cookie was a funny coincidence, but the second one seemed to imply that these fortune cookies can read the eater like an open book. curious as to what i would be told, i excitedly grabbed one, ripped open the plastic container it comes sealed in, and ate it.

my fortune said, "what you see in the mirror may not match who you are.". im not certain if ive ever talked about this, but ive had problems in the past with recognizing myself in the mirror. this is probably because i am non-binary and i am not allowed to look how i want to look and dress how i want to dress. i expect someone completely different to be gazing back at me when i look into the mirror, and ive had times where ive been a bit spooked by what sight greets me. i practically reeled back at the sight of this fortune, and i hope that no one at the table noticed.

then came my father. he grabbed two. his were probably the least personal. the first one mentioned him being assertive or asserting himself, which is a little true since he tends to intimidate everyone else in the house. the second one simply had three words imprinted on it. "vary your friendships.". more of a command than a statement, i suppose.

i havent been able to stop thinking about this since dinner ended. it is most likely a series of spooky coincidences, but i like to imagine that the universe has a good sense of humor. im getting pretty tired now, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 30 - 20

9:47 PM

200

hello. today was a bit meh. the dead bird on the pool cover disappeared over night. my mother asked about it and my father told her that he buried it, but he told me that it just seemingly vanished. i couldnt sleep until three in the morning today. i was absolutely freezing cold under piles of blankets, but my body was radiating heat. i think it was because i had taken a shower right before bed, when usually i wait a few hours to go to sleep after taking a shower. anyways, on to today. it was fine to begin with, but then i started getting angry and frustrated at my body. as much as i love my body, it seems like it has difficulty doing even basic tasks that are necessary for survival. i get indigestion a lot, and while im pretty sure it is caused by eating a lot of carbohydrates, sometimes my body just randomly cannot digest things. for example, i had three small sausages for dinner tonight, and my stomach did not like that at all. i had serious stomach pain and all of the churning and gurgling that comes with indigestion. also, simply walking can be a bit annoying sometimes. i have a motor tic where my knees try to bang into each other while i am walking, sometimes my eye rolling tic can make it difficult to see what is in front of me, and also i sometimes just get random bouts of pain in my hips and legs. sometimes if i start to walk too suddenly, one of my feet will suddenly feel like it is burning and i will have to stop. as silly as it sounds, sometimes i feel like that one fish from spongebob that was born with glass bones and paper skin. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 29 - 20

10:16 PM

199

hello. to be honest, during the afternoon i thought i wouldnt have much to write about for today, but then a bunch of things happened that i have been dying to talk about. as dinner was being made, i had been pacing around downstairs and after a while i decided to come back upstairs. when i did, my sister gestured for me and whispered for me to follow her. i did, and she led to me the window in my parents room that has a view of the pool. she opened the curtains for me, and she pointed at a dead bird resting on top of the pool cover. i stared at it, and she said something along the lines of, "he (our cat) is really intrigued by the bird.". my mother was a little mad that my sister showed me the bird, since my mother felt awful about it. after she showed me the bird, i went into the kitchen to check on our dinner, and there was a squirrel outside, sitting right next to the glass sliding door and eating an acorn. usually the squirrels in our backyard avoid going near the door, however this one was right next to the glass. i called for my sister to come in, and she came in with our cat in her hands, and my cat went ballistic. when the squirrel noticed our cat, it took off, leaving the half-eaten acorn behind. after the squirrel left, i noticed that some birds had landed on the pool cover, so i went back into my parents room to get a better look to see how they would react to the dead bird. morbid curiosity, i know, but they didnt seem to care all that much. one even bathed itself in the water on the pool cover. another one just silently stared at it for a while before leaving.

when it was finally dinner time, we all sat down. my mother was still a bit ruffled by the dead bird. funnily enough we were having fried chicken for dinner. no one is exactly sure what my mother did, but we dont think she cooked the chicken properly. i had grabbed a huge leg and i started to cut into it, when i noticed the bone and a little of the surrounding meat was incredibly red. i showed it to the rest of my family since i was a bit nervous about eating it, and while they thought it was bizarre too they told me that it was probably the bone marrow and the majority of the meat was white so it should be safe to eat. i was a bit hesitant, but i started eating. when everyone else cut into their chicken, it was red inside for theirs as well. i stopped eating when i cut deeper into the leg and it legitimately looked like the chicken was bleeding. i showed them the leg again, and this time they seemed concerned, especially considering the fact that i had eaten most of the leg before stopping. when i showed my mother the leg, she did this very strange thing. she scrunched her face like she was going to cry and even started to make sobbing noises, but then she broke into complete laughter and i couldnt tell where the transition from crying to laughing was so it just seemed a bit frightening. maybe she wasnt in the best mind after looking at the dead bird on the pool cover.

so yeah, i may or may not have salmonella poisoning. i ate the chicken a few hours ago and my stomach seems... fine, for the most part. it keeps gurgling and churning like it does when it hurts, but it isnt hurting right now so im just a bit concerned. i hope it is placebo or something because i really do not want to come down with a sickness during the middle of a pandemic. i also really think this shows that i need to use my own common sense sometimes instead of relying on my family for advice. im not very confident in my own abilities, so i often seek out my the advice of my family for what i should do during most situations. the problem with this is that, well, sometimes their advice can lead me into awful situations. i feel like my mother is a repeat offender of this one. she used to always make me slather my face with this awful hair-removal cream that smelled horrible. i would have to sit there for minutes on end as it burned and itched, before finally washing it off. most of the time it would just cause my skin to redden and form hives and my acne (if i had any when applying the cream) to open and bleed, but occasionally i would get chemical burns all over my chin and cheeks. when that happened, i would have to stay home for one, maybe two days before returning to school with a burnt face.

im now realizing that im rambling. im mentioning all of this because when i would get chemical burns on my face, my mother would tell me to do absolutely silly things in order to fix the burns. i remember one time she kept trying to get me to put a face wash over the burns. i kept telling her that i wasnt going to do it because it would burn, but she kept trying so in frustration i told her i would but i would take it off if it started to burn. i started to apply it, and wouldnt you know it, it burned. another time she didnt want me to stay home for another day so she told me to try to put foundation over the burns so no one would see them. my sister and i practically gaped at her for that one, but again, since she kept insisting i tried it to make her stop, and it burned so bad. imagine getting papercuts all over your arm, and then slathering foundation on top of it. my face is burning up at the memory of it. i guess maybe it is partially my fault for giving in to what my mother says. i want to become more confident in my judgement so that i dont feel the need to ask her or my family for advice about things.

oh my goodness, im practically writing an entire novel about my family issues, arent i? im going to continue since i feel like im in too deep and i need to get these things off of my chest now. i feel like i have less skills and knowledge than everyone else, and it constantly drives me up a wall. it is weird too, because im often praised by my family as being talented and smart, but i dont feel like any of those things. im starting to find that im not the person that i thought i was. i used to pride myself on my honesty when i was younger, but im realizing now that i have to lie in order to "thrive" in this house, about my sexuality and gender identity and whatnot.

okay, i really need to stop here before i start actually crying. i dont want to get a headache. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 28 - 20

9:23 PM

198

hello. i didnt go outside today, even though the weather was incredibly nice. i have a pretty good reason for that, though. i didnt mention this when it happened, but earlier this month i managed to convince my mother to order me a kalimba online. earlier this school year (maybe even before i made this website, i cannot remember), a girl in my music class had arrived to class with a kalimba and started to play it, and i was incredibly fascinated by the sound it makes. it sounds just like a music box. i had tried to ask my mother for one a while ago, but she bluntly told me that it was stupid. since my sister recently got a ukulele, i asked her again and her opinion on it seemingly switched and she ordered me one. it was supposed to arrive in the middle of may, but it came today. ive been fiddling around with it and it is so pretty to hear. the only problem is that i need to grow out my nails so it can hurt less to play. i have terribly short nails because i have a habit of biting them, and you need to have long nails to pluck the keys with little pain. the kalimba came with thumb guards, and while it is a pretty tight fit, my nails are too short to even go through the hole they are supposed to go through. im going to try to grow them out, but my nails tend to be pretty brittle and weak when i grow them out, probably because of my inadequate diet.

even though it can be pretty painful, i like hearing little tunes on my kalimba. im trying to learn haggstrom from the minecraft soundtrack, and im trying to see if maybe i can play the song i made in my music class on it as well. to be honest, it really feels like the beginning of the school year was years ago. i guess it always feels like that near the end of the school year, but i feel like the feeling is intensified because of what is going on. right now im just trying to ride out the waves of homework and assignments until the school year comes to a close and it feels awful. according to my grades im doing fine, but i dont feel fine. i feel like im on the brink of failing with every question i dont understand. i think id like to go to the grocery store again when this is over. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 27 - 20

11:15 PM

197

hello. well, i mostly did the same things as yesterday. i didnt feel as bad as i did yesterday though. my weather app is telling me that tomorrow is going to be sunny, so i think i might try to go outside tomorrow. i dont think i will go for a walk around the neighborhood or anything like that, though. i might just sort of... sit around in the dirt in my backyard. since it is getting late, i will end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 26 - 20

10:22 PM

196

hello. today was bad. i didnt get dressed today or anything. i just laid in bed and stayed there. when i got up to do work, i got pretty upset. sadness regarding my events seems a bit... passive now. like, when i had to go to school i would have to physically restrain myself from crying, usually by pinching the bridge of my nose. now i dont feel like crying that much anymore. the sadness just sort of hovers around me. i can especially feel it in my breath for some reason. near dinnertime, my family pointed out how it seemed like i was slurring my words a little bit. i was doing it intentionally to be funny, but it was a bit involuntary since i was incredibly tired despite laying in bed all day. it was raining today and it is supposed to rain for tomorrow, so i hope the weather clears up soon so i can go outside again and get some sunlight. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 25 - 20

10:21 PM

195

hello. today was pretty. that sounds kind of weird, but i cant think of another adjective to describe it. i felt pretty motivated today, so i got out of bed right before noon and i did some of my morning rituals that i have been neglecting for a while. before i forget to mention it, i really need to get outside since i cant remember the last time i was outside. i blame it on the awful weather. anyways, there was some tension in the house in the morning but it didnt take long to go away thankfully. i cant really think of anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 24 - 20

10:27 PM

194

hello. im pretty sure today was good. i mean, i cant remember much of it, but from what i can remember it seems like it was okay. i have a feeling that i might have been sad today, but i cant remember what caused it. to be honest, i feel like just by reading these entries, someone might assume that i have amnesia or something. i promise i dont. similar days and actions tend to just mix and blur inside my mind. i remember feeling very motivated today, but i didnt do much other than complete some duolingo lessons and think. oh yeah, when i mention "think", that just reminded me of this morning. i felt like i was about to cry this morning because i thought too much about people. it wasnt out of sadness, though. i just kept thinking about how all of the different human inventions that we all take for granted, and i thought about how far we all have made it. for example, i had a glass of water this morning. i looked at the glass and i thought, "someone set out to make this for someone like me to use.". i dont really know how to describe it. i just felt so thankful, all for some random cup. not to mention that technology has evolved to the point where we can make useful items quickly and efficiently. i dont know. it was pretty corny of me, but still. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 23 - 20

9:08 PM

193

hello. today was sort of meh. i woke up feeling perfectly fine, but then my mood started to spiral downwards for a few hours until maybe around three in the afternoon. im getting really tired of this. i mean, i guess it is perfectly understandable why i would feel a bit down in the dumps now, given the circumstances all around the world, but it is so annoying when i just want to do something but my body and brain feel differently. for example, i actually really want to clean my room since it has been a mess even before quarantine, but the second i consider cleaning my room, it seems like all of the strength in my body just... leaves me. im afraid that im just being lazy. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 22 - 20

10:35 PM

192

hello. i actually got some pretty good sleep last night. i really wanted to put my phone on the other side of my room last night so i wouldnt be tempted to stay on it, but i wanted to charge it over night so i just opted to shove it under my pillows and try to not look at it, which somehow actually worked. i dont remember the time i fell asleep, but i woke up at nine feeling refreshed, so it doesnt really matter i suppose. my friend, on other hand, fell asleep at five in the morning and woke up at two in the afternoon, and i only know this because she texted me in all capital letters at two in the afternoon telling me about how she just woke up and didnt realize what time it was. im wondering if maybe i should start trying to go to sleep earlier like how i used to. going to bed earlier means that i wake up earlier before everyone else, and being stuck in this house for weeks on end with their constant presence around me is starting to take a toll on me.

anyways, today was good. i got out of bed pretty early and i didnt spend that much time in bed. i havent mentioned this earlier, but my mother and i have been really craving chinese takeout for the past few days, and we were planning on seeing if any places were open today. unsurprisingly, none were open since there is a literal global pandemic occurring. i was a bit sad, but my mother was on the verge of throwing a literal temper tantrum. do you remember near the beginning of the quarantine, when my entire family had that whole argument and my mother started wailing with a certain tone that made my hairs stand on edge and i started to involuntarily cry from the sound of it? i heard that tone start to come out while she was upset today and im pretty sure i started to take a few steps back. she wasnt screaming or crying or anything today, but she started to talk in that tone and, when suggested by my father and my sister to just order pizza instead, she went, "but i dont want pizza!" in a very pouty tone.

yeah. we ended up somehow finding an open pizza place and getting pizza. it was pretty good, but i really liked the chicken parmesan hero that my mother bought with it as well. i think i havent had chicken parmesan since middle school, where i would eat it religiously with snapple. if i coupled that meal with a can of snapple i literally think i would burst into tears. as good as the meal was, there is a little lingering fear in the back of my head that is telling me that i put myself at huge risk for getting the virus. while i guess that is true, i think i would lose my mind if i had to sit and eat the same cycle of foods i dont like that my mother makes for dinner. besides, it seems like the pizza place we ordered from is taking this whole thing at least somewhat seriously, as the pizza delivery person showed up in a face mask, quickly handed my mother the pizza and took the envelope of money (my mother thought that would be more sanitary), checked in their car to make sure the money was in there, and then drove off. sometimes i wonder if future historians will be reading this website to find personal accounts of life in quarantine during the coronavirus outbreak. probably not, but hey! if any future historians are reading this: sorry about the entries where i cannot recall anything that happened during the day. i dont intend to forget things, i swear.

im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 21 - 20

9:38 PM

191

hello. i barely got any sleep last night. im starting to notice that it is getting harder and harder to fall asleep each night. when i say that, i feel like most people would assume that im just laying completely still in the dark, desperately trying to fall asleep. i think im doing the exact opposite. as much as i want to sleep, i feel like i cant get myself to get off of my phone and try to sleep. it is like im afraid i will miss out on life if i go to sleep, but i spend my whole day just lying in bed anyways. i had to get up to use the bathroom at three in the morning, and i was planning on being quick and then lying back down, however both of my cats caught me off guard and rushed into my room the second i creaked the door open. one of them quickly darted and tried to jump onto my bed, but missed and fell onto my backpack, before scrambling under my bed where i cannot reach him. the other one, who is very polite, just sort of quietly invited herself in and jumped onto my bed.

i dont like to let my cats stay in my room while i sleep because they like to cause mischief, so i knew that i needed to lure my cat out from under my bed, however trying to get him out would cause a lot of noise. i used to grab the bag of catnip we have in the drawer in the kitchen, however he learned my trick and refuses to come out when he hears the bag. my current trick is to throw something small down the hallway, like a coughdrop or a coin, however that can be quite loud and it was three in the morning. i cant exactly fit under my bed either, so i decided to just wait it out in my room with my other cat. when he finally did come out, he jumped onto my bed and promptly fell asleep. it was around four in the morning at this point and i had yet to fall asleep, so i foolishly let my guard down and decided to fall asleep with them in my room (with the door open, of course). in my defense, they were snoring quite loudly and i thought they were in a deep rest and wouldnt wake up before i did.

nope. i cant remember exactly what happened since the memories have this weird groggy haze over them, but i woke up to the sound of something falling from my dresser and onto my floor, and i got up and they both ran out and scattered into the living room. i picked up whatever fell and went back to bed and i woke up at eight in the morning, so i got maybe a little less than five hours of sleep. i hope it doesnt show. my parents kept remarking that i seemed pretty grumpy today, and they werent wrong, although i think im a bit grumpy all the time now. i get messaged by my teachers every day about more and more work we need to complete and the mere sight of a google classroom notification makes me dry-heave now. their wishes of good health for us dont seem sincere, although i dont think theyre heartless monsters or anything. they just dont seem genuine because they repeat the same canned phrases over and over again while piling more and more work on our plates. if you genuinely did wish us well, i think you would lighten the load a bit, considering that people around the world seem to be dropping like flies. while it is true that being home gives me more time to do things, quarantine has completely thrown a sledge-hammer into the fragile jenga tower that is my mental health. i can barely get out of bed for a portion of my waking hours, and when i do i am more concerned about making sure that i dont look like i just crawled out of a sewer.

i dont want to throw an entire pity parade for myself, but life is clearly rough for me right now, and it is rough for a lot of other people too. continously repeating the old reliable phrase of "i wish you and your family good health" while tossing assignment upon assignment at everyone is awful. for right now, im just barely scraping by and completing entire assignments on the day theyre due. right now life feels like when you lean your chair a little too far back and you have that one second of paralyzing fear where you realize youve gone too far and youre about to tip over, but you never tip over and the fear just never ends.

im sorry for rambling. like i said, i didnt get a lot of sleep last night so im pretty grumpy. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 20 - 20

11:09 PM

190

hello. this entry is probably going to be short because it is late and i am tired. also, i cant remember a majority of what happened today, so that will probably make this even shorter. all i can really remember is the stomach pain i had an hour ago, and i have a tickle in my throat right now but trying to cough will make my head hurt. i wish i could say more but i cant think of anything else to say. goodbye.

4 - 19 - 20

8:48 PM

189

hello. today i was able to lead my friend through the ending of sky, which i was incredibly excited about. i was so excited in fact, that i ended up doing my morning rituals right before dinnertime since i spent today just laying in bed, waiting for her to tell me that she was ready to play. i was a bit nervous about leading her through eden, since im still not that good at it. i forgot to mention this yesterday, but i met a new player on sky yesterday in the vault who really wanted to go through eden. i kept trying to persuade them not to by using "no" gestures and crying, but they decided they still wanted to go, so i had no choice but to lead them through since they had obviously never been in there before. i actually did really good (although we did get hit once or twice), but i had to leave right before storm lock since if i entered, i would have nothing to do as the rewards reset on sundays (yesterday was saturday), so i would just have to die. i waved and saluted before logging off.

since i had some experience yesterday, i felt a bit more confident in my abilities today, although i apologized to her in advance for any potential lost winged lights. when she finally died in eden, she actually had the glitch where the game just puts you back at the beginning of storm lock. ive heard of that glitch but out of the five or six times ive been in eden, ive never gotten it. it isnt game-breaking or anything and it doesnt give you back your light. youre still on the verge of dying so you need to just run into the red rocks to properly die. she was... a bit confused, to say the least. i was confused too, since i wasnt sure if she was talking about the cutscene where you witness all of the saved children rise up or if she had genuinely glitched.

i was hoping the ending would pack a punch since i had avoided telling her anything about it because i wanted her to experience all of the emotions. for my first time in eden, i kept getting hit and it was super hard, so i ended up having to look at a guide. i didnt see how storm lock looked, however when the guide told me that death is inevitable, i sort of got these weird shivers down my spine, especially when i read that the original goal was to survive, but in the current version, you need to survive for as long as you can until you eventually die. i just got shivers again by typing that.

i dont really have anything else to say for today, and i still have homework i need to finish, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 18 - 20

10:34 PM

188

hello. to be honest, i didnt do much today, although i cant really remember much. i think i just sat around all day. i do remember that i played scrabble with my mother after dinner though. the scrabble box has been kicking around in my parents closet for the past few years, so when we pulled it out, the box was covered with a thick layer of dust. my father dragged his finger across the top of it, and the dust clung together and formed a disgusting looking string. when we opened up the box, we found the notepad to keep score on that comes with the game. there was only one game recorded on this notepad, but we cant tell who played since they must have only written down the first letter of their first names at the top, and we cant tell who is who since no one in this house has a name starting with "c" or "s". also, according to the notepad they didnt even finish the game, so i thought that was funny. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 17 - 20

9:52 PM

187

hello. today started off a bit rocky, but it started to get better as time went on. i basically held myself hostage in bed until noon. i think i might be a little depressed, which feels weird. im not that sad or anything, but everything ocasionally just seems unappealing and boring now. for example, im fine right now, but this morning everything felt so... useless. i glanced over at my furby shelf, and i thought about how i felt about collecting them, and all of a sudden it felt unappealing and not worth my time. i tried to think about all of my hobbies and all of the things i like, but nothing interested me. i was freaking out internally, but i just continued to lay still in my bed. thankfully, like i said, i feel fine now. everything perked up when i threw myself out of bed and got changed. dressing the part really seems to work during this time.

i used to just wash my face with water on a washcloth, but now im washing my face with the grapefruit face wash with my hands and i somewhat feel like crying when i do it. not out of sadness, but out of... relief, i guess? im fairly certain that im touch starved, so that is probably why. im also starting to note a weird... shift in thought about my body and face. i used to think i was very ugly, but now i just think i look human. i dont really know how to describe it. i dont think i need to look appealing in order to exist. i mean, obviously i dont want to run around with a crusted over face and rotting teeth, but i dont need to have a perfectly symmetrical face and unnaturally white teeth and a thin frame just to... live. that isnt really what life is about. i like to think that i was put on this earth to create things and help people, as cliché as that sounds. i dont need to look a certain way to do that. besides, it isnt really my bodys fault for looking this way, is it?

im sorry, i got a bit rambly there. anyways, today was good. i got some work done and i laid down with my cats. i also played the endless forest on my laptop since i havent played for a few months, and i felt a bit teary when i heard the dancing sound effect. it was kind of funny, since the sound effect for dancing is the silliest flute i have ever heard, but it made me think about when i used to play this game a lot. this game really affected my personal style when i was younger. it was the sole reason why my drawings probably freaked out those who walked past me in class, as i would just draw animals with human faces and pictograms. im thinking about trying to teach myself how to play the dancing song from the endless forest on sky: children of light, since they both remind me of each other so much. i can sort of a play a tune that sounds like it, which makes me super happy. i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 16 - 20

10:58 PM

186

hello. thankfully today was pretty okay, except for a few things. i only got five hours of sleep last night. i had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, and my cat really wanted to be let in (on a side note, today was my other cats birthday), so i let her stay. i felt bad about kicking her out so i just... stayed up until three in the morning with her in my room. i didnt want to fall asleep with her trapped in my room, so i thought that i could fall asleep with my arms around her, so if she got up i would wake up. well, she ended up leaving before i fell asleep, so that is good. i was so tired that i was starting to feel all confused. for example, when i held my arms around her, for a second i thought there was nothing in my arms and i scared myself a little bit when i realized she was there. also, when she looked up at me, i couldnt recognize her for a second and i scared myself a little bit there as well.

i really, really, really didnt want to get upset today. it seems like there is a set time of the day where, once it passes that time, everything feels awful. the time is around dinnertime for some reason. in an attempt to not get sad, i dressed up in my favorite clothes and i washed my face with this nice grapefruit face wash. i ate nice food and i played animal crossing and i did everything good i could think of, and while it did help, as soon as i finished my dinner, i felt like garbage. i wonder if my father working from home is causing this. this whole time limit im feeling started when he started to work from home, but he doesnt even do anything that bothers me. he just works in my parents room, and comes out occasionally to eat or whatever and then go back in their room. that is it. i mean, quarantine has been atrocious so far, but it just really started to spiral after my father started to work from home.

i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 15 - 20

11:16 PM

185

hello. today was bad too. im starting to notice that days are starting to start off good, but then slowly turn awful as the day goes on. nothing bad has to even happen too, my emotions just sort of decay as time progresses. i had a nightmare last night and im honestly wondering how i woke up without tears. in this nightmare, i was freaking out in the middle of a store. i think my mother had started to act strange and i completely lost it. i remember i was screaming and throwing glass at the walls to make some noise so people would realize that something is wrong. the people in the store just watched and laughed as i was freaking out. i think i remember seeing a few kids mock me and laugh. it was really embarrassing and infuriating at the same time.

im fine right now, but an hour or so ago i was... not in a good mood. i think the work im getting is making me freak out. yesterday my sister mentioned that it seems like for every assignment she finishes, two more replace it. i agree with that. yesterday i finished something i needed to do, and then i got notifications on my phone about three different things that were due today. also, this is off-topic but i want to mention it before i forget; on the "god is not conspiracy or fear" poster, my sister wrote "would jesus give people anxiety?" above my mothers "would jesus curse?". are we just going to bicker on the paper instead of in person? i mean, that is probably worse relationship-wise, but at least i dont have to listen to them shouting at each other. im a bit tempted to write "would jesus hate love?" on top of what my sister wrote (my mother is homophobic), but i dont feel like opening that can of worms right now. i just feel like staying in bed forever right now. i dont have anything else to say for today, so goodbye.

4 - 14 - 20

10:33 PM

184

hello. today was... sort of bad? i mean, it started off fine, but right now i feel odd. i feel lonely and sad, but it is a bit weird. usually when im sad, it comes out in crying or just general uneasiness. right now my sadness is just... calm? i can feel it resting on my shoulders, but it isnt heavy. it is a really pretty baby blue color, too. i do want to cry, but nothing will come out and i dont feel like forcing the tears out because im not in the mood for a headache. it seems like everyone finds me to be a nuisance now. well, when i put it like that i can feel the tears swelling. my sadness usually feels violent and weepy, but the sadness i feel right now is so calm that it is worrisome. i feel like i could go outside right now and hold a conversation with my mother and not eventually cry, unlike how i usually feel with sadness.

making peace with my sadness feels soothing, but im afraid i will miss this feeling when it will (probably) leave me in the morning. i dont want to miss sadness. i think i heard my family saying bad things about me in the other room earlier, and i dont know what i did wrong. maybe it is because ive been excited over sky: children of light recently. usually when someone in this house gets excited over their passions, everyone gets annoyed at them. my father loves to talk about cars with my mother, and sometimes when he leaves she will look at me and give me a very exhausted face. i think they do the same thing with me. i got my best friend to play sky with me today, and i really really really hope she isnt annoyed at me.

i know i need to find more supportive people. i think im well past that. whenever i get serious with my emotions to someone, i cry and cry and cry and i cant get the tears to stop. im crying right now, but i still feel calm and relaxed. im not forcing out the tears, theyre just sort of rolling down my face slowly. i should stop before i cry too much. goodbye.

4 - 13 - 20

9:33 PM

183

hello. today was horrific. where do i even begin? the weather today was awful. it was raining violently and it was so windy that it sounded like the air outside was screaming. i might also want to mention what i ate today, because i think it played a big role in how today turned out. i ate candy for breakfast. i ate candy for a snack. i ate candy for lunch. i ate candy for a snack. i ate fried chicken for dinner. i... genuinely dont know how this could have been worse. i think the only way i could have eaten worse today would be if i were to eat trash directly from the garbage bin. it was laughably atrocious. oh, and i didnt a lot of work done today too, although i dont think it is necessary to mention that because im pretty sure you would be able to assume that from my diet and the weather. after gorging on candy, i went downstairs to pace for an hour or so and it was not fun. well, it was kind of fun at first, but then i started getting too deep into my daydreams and all of limbs started feeling itchy and i felt like i was going to freak out. im starting to notice that, sometimes when im pacing and daydreaming, i get really frustrated that i cant hear anything from my daydreams in the real world. i start pacing faster and faster, like i think that is somehow going to make the sounds bleed into reality or something.

w

hen i finally managed to force myself to sit down to do work, i started crying. i guess it was from the stress of procrastination that i literally did to myself and therefore i have no one to blame but myself, but also just because of the frustration from being in quarantine. do you know how many times ive thought about shaving off my eyebrows? i dont even want to do it, but im just so.... i dont even know anymore. i dont live in a very big house either, so my life for the past few weeks has been confined to the tiny space that is my room. occasionally i will get all dressed up in beautiful clothing just to lay outside in the dirt for a little bit.

i dont know what else there is to say and im getting kind of tired, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 12 - 20

11:20 PM

182

hello, and happy easter if you celebrate it. to be honest, i forgot that today was easter. i didnt remember until i saw my sister this morning and she said happy easter to me. i didnt think i was going to get anything for easter this year because of everything that is going on. a week or so ago, my mother had bought a sleeve of reeses pieces and put it in the fridge, and i remember my sister had turned to me and told me, "dont eat it now. save it just in case you want candy for easter.". surprisingly, my parents had actually gotten my sister and i each a basket of candy and some money, which we both thanked them for. i was expecting myself to just basically inhale the entire basket of candy, but i actually started feeling groggy after eating a little bit of it, so i still have some candy left over. i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 11 - 20

9:32 PM

181

hello. today was boring. i needed to do work today, but instead i just sort of... laid in bed all day. i cant remember doing much outside of that, to be honest. in response to my mother making everyone in the house just generally afraid, my sister has drawn a picture to hang up on the fridge to remind my mother to be kind and calm. it says, "god is not conspiracy or fear. god is peace and love.". under that, she wrote "what would jesus do?". it is lovely, however in retaliation my mother wrote above the latter message, "would jesus curse?". my sister has a habit of swearing that my mother doesnt like. i kind of feel like no matter what is said and done in this house, no one will ever win. no one ever leaves the arguments feeling happy and satisified. no one ever leaves the arguments feeling like the other person has considered their perspective. it is maddening. when i try to tell my mother and my sister how i feel during one of their arguments, they always try to rope me into their respective side. i dont like what my mother is doing. i dont like how she talks about the end of the world and how shapeshifting demons are in power and how we are all going to be raptured soon. when i say that, my sister automatically thinks that i am on her side, but im not. i dont like what my sister is doing either. she looks for any possible reason to pick a fight. we could be all happy together for one second, and then my sister will taunt my mother for something and then an argument will break out. my mother often breaks into coughing fits, and my sister likes to yell at her for them. my sister also isnt very nice to me in general. im sorry, i need to stop here because im getting really sad. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 10 - 20

10:34 PM

180

hello. i finally had an interesting dream, but it is a little hard to explain since i cant remember some parts of it. last night, i dreamt that i was in a forest. i was just wandering around, when i stumbled across this small, dark maroon colored building. when i went inside, it was basically just a long stone hallway lined with candles, with a big candle at the end. apparently, this building belonged to a god. i cant remember their name at all, but i know that they had pale skin, short dirty blonde hair and a short beard, and they wore a gold robe i think. when i saw them, i think i could tell that they didnt like me. it wasnt like they were engulfed with rage by my presence, but i was more like a nuisance than anything, i suppose. i thought the building was awfully small, so i offered to make them a bigger one. they said yes in an attempt to keep me busy and away from them, so i started to make a bigger building, but they kept getting mad at me because i was doing it wrong. i made the colors too bright, they didnt like how the building looked, et cetera. i dont really remember the events leading up to this, but i remember that i ended up becoming their servant or something. i just sort of ran around and did chores for them. even though i ran around and did the things they told me to do, they would always get mad at me and tell me that i was too clumsy or too distracted or some other negative trait.

this is where it becomes interesting. i dont remember exactly how we figured this out, but we ended up finding out that i was a part of this group of creatures from outer space. i guess i was sort of like a starseed? i looked and sounded just like a regular human being, but i... wasnt? it was really weird. i think we might have figured this out when we noticed a small hole in the sky. when we went into the hole, we were in space. we were surrounded by stars and it was super pretty, but apparently that was something that only happened to those who were a part of the group of creatures. i also remember being told that the existence of these creatures was not widely known, and those who did know about us thought we were very weak and insignificant.

that is all i can remember about this dream. i couldnt even remember this dream until the afternoon, but once i remembered it i couldnt stop thinking about it. im not sure why. i guess i really want to learn more about this group of creatures, even though it was just a dream and my head made all of it up.

anyways, today was fine. there were a few arguments today between my sister and my mother, but i guess that isnt too surprising for me. i just tried to block it out of my mind. i also got some work done today, which is nice. i still feel a bit awful emotion-wise, but i think everything will be okay. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 9 - 20

11:18 PM

179

hello. well, today was... something. today was, dare i say it, worse than yesterday. i woke up this morning with a thirty minute grace perod before a headache started to form. if anyone out there started keeping track of which side of my body my pain and injuries fall on after i started mentioning it, you can put this one under "left". this is getting ridiculous. the pain was a bit annoying but bearable at first, but it slowly grew over time into something awful. the headache lasted from morning to dinnertime. i didnt want to take any medicine for it because i felt awful about it because people are probably hoarding medicine at the stores right now, but i ended up bursting into tears from the pain. usually i try to stay as quiet as possible when i cry, and i keep my mouth shut. this time, however, it was open-mouthed wailing and sobbing. i did my best to try to not cry, since i thought it was going to give me an even worse headache from dehydration, but crying actually caused the pain to lessen, although the pain spread to both sides of my head. it was like it was all concentrated on the left side, and crying took some of the pain from the left side and moved it to the right. thankfully im fine now, but i couldnt really get a lot of work done today because i spent most of it laying down. i did get some work done after it went away though. i dont really have anything else to say today. goodbye.

4 - 8 - 20

9:12 PM

178

hello. this entry is going to be short since i feel horrible right now. i had a huge fit of anger a few hours ago to the point where standing still felt painful. i tried to do some schoolwork, but i ended up crying in the middle of it so i didnt get much completed. today has just been awful, to be honest. hopefully i will write more tomorrow. goodbye.

4 - 7 - 20

9:34 PM

177

hello. today was... sort of productive? i did some work that i needed to do and then i just sort of lazed around for the rest of the day. i really want to go for another walk around the neighborhood but it is supposed to rain tomorrow. right now i feel all sad and nostalgic because i thought about early internet stuff. i really wish the current internet was somewhat like it was around 2012. i feel like people were a little less judgemental back then, but maybe i think that because i was incredibly young back then. when i first made this website, i remember i wanted to make it styled like an old website and just post random things i like on here, but after a while i sort of just made this into a blog.... thingy. im kind of glad i did that though, because it makes it easier to put my life on a timeline and remember which events happened in which order. im a bit awful at remembering things. i mean, i can memorize things for a test, and i can remember if someone told me something specific recently, but for things like my childhood? poof. it is gone.

i have one specific moment from middle school, where i was standing in the gym and i thought, "my future self is going to be thinking about this moment.". i used to think about it every once in a while back then, but then i completely forgot about that memory until a few days ago. the memory used to be so vivid and clear, but now there are blotches in the scenery. it makes me sad. that memory was from before everything started spiraling downwards, too. as i am thinking about that memory now, maybe my future self will remember this moment and be thinking about it. and then my future future self will think about that memory, and so on. maybe it will be like looking into a weird infinite mirror. maybe i wont even remember what i was remembering in the first place.

oh great, i sort of just started a small existential crisis within myself about my own mortality and aging process. how lovely. well, i hope i remember all of the good things and forget all of the bad things. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

4 - 6 - 20

10:36 PM

176

hello. this entry might be short since im tired and it is getting incredibly late. today my sister convinced me to join her on a walk around the neighborhood. it was nice, but the bright sun sort of gave me a headache, even though i was wearing sunglasses. my sister also got pretty frustrated with me for needing to stop because there was a pebble in my shoe. i also got pretty sad near the end of the day, but thankfully i feel better now. i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 5 - 20

9:23 PM

175

hello. today was boring, or at least i think it was boring. i cant remember some parts of today. all i remember is just eating a bagel for breakfast and then just laying down in my bed. i also remember getting awful stomach pains during my shower. usually when i feel a stomachache start to solidify i tend to just succumb to the pain immediately, but today i was a bit desperate to get away and i started trying to distract myself from the pain. usually this sort of thing never works, however it actually worked today. somewhat. the pain came in waves and i would start looking around for anything to lose myself in. i remember i was particularly fond of staring at the washcloth i was holding and admiring the texture over and over again until the pain went away. it was super silly but it worked. well, it worked until i got out of the shower. then the pain overwhelmed me. but hey, it was nice to see that distracting myself can work. i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 4 - 20

9:16 PM

174

hello. well, today didnt have the greatest start. i had another nightmare where my mother is hurting me. this one was interesting though because i actually woke up crying. in this dream, my mother had stumbled across someone online talking about how non-binary people are the scum of the earth and abominations. my mother has a sponge-like brain that just absorbs anything she reads online and believes it without questioning it at all. it is a bit funny, too, because she likes to brag about being "conscious" and "skeptical". anyways, in this dream i was basically scrambling to defend myself (i am non-binary) but she wasnt believing a word i was saying. i think i started crying in the dream out of a weird mixture of fear, stress, and exhaustion since i was running around and trying to win her acceptance.

when i woke up from this nightmare, i just wiped the tears away and fell back asleep into another... nightmare? dream? it was unpleasant, but it wasnt that terrifying. i have a weird genre of nightmares where im stuck at school after it is over and im all alone, and i got one of them when i fell back asleep. i remember that it was pitch black outside, and i was standing in front of the entrance to my school, looking away from the doors at the sky. it was a really creepy feeling, although i guess that is because a school at night can be considered a liminal space. i also remember being inside the building, which wasnt much better than being outside. that is all i can really remember about that dream.

today was fine. apparently i accidentally missed two of my math assignments because i didnt read the time it was due. i knew it was due today, however i assumed it would be due at a minute before the midnight of tomorrow (im not sure how to phrase it in words. april 4th, 11:59 PM. the last minute of the day.), as most assignments usually are. nope, it was due at exactly midnight today (april 4th, 12:00 AM. the first minute of the day.). i dont really care that much to be honest. my mother is horrified though. there was also a lot of tension between everyone this morning, but i dont know why. i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 3 - 20

10:12 PM

173

hello. this entry might be a bit short since it is getting late and i am tired. last night went better than i was expecting. i was expecting a full-blown rage fit, but my father seemed pretty calm. i was still nervous though, so i didnt really talk to him that much last night. anyways, today was fine. i did a lot of work, which was pretty boring. im starting to get tired of the food in this house though. for lunch i had to have a TV dinner that was so dense in calories that i could probably light the whole thing on fire and it would keep me warm for the entirety of this quarantine. i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

4 - 2 - 20

9:14 PM

172

hello. i am typing this entry in a little bit of a rush. apparently my mother just received a call from my father that someone at his workplace is starting to show coronavirus-like symptoms, and he is going to be here in maybe around half an hour. he is going to be in an absolutely awful mood, we can all tell. usually in this kind of situation i would throw myself down on my bed and pray that i would fall asleep before he comes home, but i have this entry to write and things i still need to do, like brush my teeth and what-not. i got three assignments done today, which is good. im not really sure what to type right now to be honest. i just dont want to hear arguing and yelling, but i know that there is a good chance that i will. my sister and my mother got into an argument because my mother thinks that we are immune to the virus because we're "covered in the blood of jesus". i dont really know what else to type so i think i will just end this entry here. i really hope there isnt any yelling. goodbye.

4 - 1 - 20

9:23 PM

171

hello. i managed to finish an assignment today, so i was super happy about that. i wanted to keep working, but i started getting distracted by negative thoughts. i ended up having to stop because i got angry and i started crying. i lost all motivation to work for the rest of the day. whenever i try to get myself motivated, i feel like im an exhausted parent trying to coach a disobedient toddler into eating something that they dont like, except i am both the parent and the toddler in one person. it is really frustrating. the whole "finish the task to get the reward" trick doesnt really work for me, since my brain figures that since im the one in control of the reward, i could just give it to myself without doing the task, effectively getting nothing done. i guess i will try to get the due date to motivate me somehow. i dont really have anything else to say, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 31 - 20

9:06 PM

170

hello. today was... kind of eventful? for being in quarantine, i mean. i managed to get a few questions finished on one of my homework assignments. it feels a bit laughable that i was only able to push myself to do that much, but progress is progress i suppose. i will try to get more done tomorrow. also, i finally managed to go outside again. i was laying in bed this afternoon when i started feeling angry and impulsive. i really just wanted to spend the rest of the day sulking, but i noticed that it was finally sunny outside, so i hefted myself up and laid down outside on a blanket. it really made me feel better, even though my body hurt because the blanket was super thin and it was comparable to laying down on cling wrap that is on top of concrete. i took a bunch of pictures of myself outside since the sun was out, and they all look super pretty, so that made me happy. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 30 - 20

9:42 PM

169

hello. today was pretty relaxing. it was pretty overcast today so i just laid in bed with my cats for most of today. i almost managed to take a nap, but for some reason, right as i was starting to drift off, my heart started beating super fast and i felt really out of breath. i tried to calm myself down, but i had to wait until my heart stopped beating so fast by itself. i stayed in bed for a while after that in hopes of maybe being able to start drifting off again, but it was impossible. that was pretty annoying, but both of my cats were sleeping next to each other and they looked really cute, so that was good. i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

3 - 29 - 20

9:18 PM

168

hello. im pretty sure i had another dream where my mother tries to hurt me, but i cant really remember much. i remember she gave me poisoned food (specifically raspberry crowns, i think), but i dont remember what i did about it. anyways, it rained again today so i spent today inside. my mother wanted to deep clean my bed today, and had to put all of pillows and stuffed animals on my chair to do so, so i couldnt lay down or sit in my room. the couches in the living room are awfully uncomfortable after a while of laying on them, so i opted to just sit at the kitchen table. apparently my bed was starting to break, although im not sure how. i think it was the frame or something. apparently, my dad needed a bolt to fix it, so he was checking in the junk drawer in the kitchen for one. he pulled the entire drawer out to check, and me, being incredibly bored, offered to clean and organize it. he let me do it, so i spent my afternoon sorting paperclips and rubber bands. i have to say, im a bit surprised by the amount of paperclips i found. i even made a rainbow paperclip necklace after all was said and done since there were so many.

there was quite a bit of tension in my house today, but i think the whole sorting process helped to dissolve it since my father was helping me. i feel like my father and i are pretty similar sometimes. we both have really strong passions that we enjoy rambling about. he likes cars and guitars while i like furbys and video games. he listened to me talk about sky: children of light this morning and it was super nice of him. if i tried to talk about my passions with my mother, she would just blankly nod her head and pretend to listen. if i tried to talk about my passions with my sister, she would probably just tell me to shut up. i still listen to her passions though.

to be honest, im kind of mentally checked out about this whole quarantine thing. my teachers keep saying that they have updated their websites with work and i just... dont seem to care. at all. i really want to care, i swear, but i feel like im so far behind on everything that has been happening so far that there would be no purpose in trying to keep up and i would just feel like im drowning. by the way, do you remember that entry from a while ago where i mentioned wanting cashews? i was able to have some today. my mother had some downstairs so i finally got to eat some. i dont really have anything else to say, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 28 - 20

9:26 PM

167

hello. this entry might be short since my head feels kind of funny. it feels like the feeling you get right before a headache happens. just weird groggy grossness. i had another one of those dreams last night where my mother doesnt care about me. in this dream, i was bitten by a snake (i distinctly remember shouting "COBRA! COBRA!") and i was desperately trying to get my mother to help me but she just ignored me. i wasnt sure if it was venomous or not (i didnt know that all known cobras are venomous. then again, a bite from a non-venomous snake is still pretty bad), so i just sort of walked around, screaming and crying since i didnt know what else to do. eventually i started feeling a weird pain in my chest and then i woke up. most of this dream took place in my school, which was a weird place to be in since i havent been there for weeks. apparently my school is scheduled to reopen in april. my mother promises me that she wont let me go back for the rest of the school year, but im still nervous about having to go back because... well... i havent done any physical homework assigned for me. at all. im doing my digital homework, however i have been completely disregarding everything else for some reason. whoops.

i didnt really do anything today, so i dont really have much to say about what i did. i got a few waves of anger during the morning and the afternoon, so i had to deal with that. also, before i forget, my sister was right. it did rain today. anyways, im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 27 - 20

10:24 PM

166

hello. well, i got... something done today, i think. i managed to finish one assignment. it was near the end of the day, but it still counts. i got motivated to begin working in the middle of the afternoon, and i even had the website for my homework open, but then i got distracted by something else and i ended up shutting my laptop. i didnt get to go outside today. i really do want to go outside, i promise, but sunlight usually gives me a nasty headache, even with sunglasses on. my sister told me that it is supposed to rain tomorrow, so maybe i will try to go outside on sunday. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 26 - 20

9:35 PM

165

hello. today was pretty much just like yesterday. im getting kind of frustrated with myself for not keeping up with the promises i make to myself about doing my work like im supposed to. i guess everyone else also struggles with this sort of problem, but still. like ive said in the past about getting out of bed, making a transition from one state to the next is awful for me. i think it gets harder the longer i wait. if i sit around all day, it is going to be easier for me to sit around all day than get up and do work. if i work all day, it is going to be easier for me to continue working than just randomly stop and start doing nothing. also, days are starting to feel... weirdly long and short at the same time. i want to complete the end of sky: children of light again, but i need to wait a week in order to do it again without wasting all of my progress. when i think about that, time starts slowing down. but then if i start thinking about doing my work, all of a sudden time is speeding by and i dont have enough of it. my days are a now a weird mixture of "if you stare at the clock, time will pass slowly" and "time flies when youre having fun", although i guess im not really having fun when im thinking about doing work.

i think im going to go outside again tomorrow, since it has again been a week since ive been outside. maybe thats why i feel so awful. i just hope it doesnt rain. im also going to try to complete some work tomorrow. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 25 - 20

10:17 PM

164

hello. this entry is probably going to be awfully short since not only did i do nothing today, it is also incredibly late right now. i mostly just played sky: children of the light and stayed in bed all day. my cats also slept on my bed with me for a little bit. that is about all i did today. sorry that this entry is super short. goodbye.

3 - 24 - 20

8:59 PM

163

hello. today was pretty boring event-wise, but a rollercoaster emotion-wise. it was really weird. i mostly just sat around, so i didnt even do that much, but i just felt gross and disgusting for almost the entire day. i feel like such a slob for just staying at home all day, but that is literally all i can really do at this point. what does my brain want me to do? go out in public and possibly catch and unknowingly spread the virus? i try to go downstairs to pace around and forget about everything, but my mother has a bunch of food all organized on a table and labelled with their expiration dates in black marker. she has also left more stuff in the path of my pacing circle, so now im doing less pacing and more dodging. oh well i guess. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 23 - 20

10:19 PM

162

hello. today seemed to be super slow and incredibly fast at the same time. i think it might have been because it was raining heavily throughout the day. for some reason, my cats have been obsessed with sleeping on my bed today, specifically my orange cat. i would say he spent a majority of today just snoozing on my bed and snoring quite loudly. he waits for me to wake up every morning. i can hear him pacing outside my door when i wake up. if i make any sudden noises, he will know that im awake and start crying and scratching at my door to be let in. it is really cute, but sometimes he takes advantage of my sleepiness by acting all innocent and then darting under my bed and trying to eat the dust under there.

today was fine, but i didnt really do anything special other than play sky: children of the light for the majority of the day. im still very captivated by it. im a really big fan of multiplayer games that dont emphasize chatting verbally, like the endless forest and this game. i like how the main way we communicate is through repetitive honking and emotes. i had reached the end of the game yesterday, but i hadnt finished the game until today because the last area of the game looks pretty frightening. i dont want to spoil anything of course, but i will just say that a very nice stranger held my hand and led me through the area today so i could finish the game. my goodness, the amount of kissy emotes i did towards this person. i befriended them so that i could send them daily gifts.

i dont really have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 22 - 20

9:16 PM

161

hello. today was okay, but there was a lot of tension during breakfast and dinner today, or at least i think there was. i guess it was more obvious during dinner than breakfast. breakfast was just comprised of annoyed and angry faces while dinner was made up of quiet fear. my mother is making us say a prayer before we eat meals together now and my sister doesnt like it, so there was a lot of sudden movements that made me feel uneasy. also, my father was in an awful mood and left the house for gas a few minutes before dinner. he came back home during dinner, and we all sat quietly in our shared fear of him. he has never and would never attack anyone when he is angry, but he shouts and slams things and makes me feel scared. when i was little, i remember that i noticed that everyone would listen to my father when he was angry since he was loud and sudden. i dont think anyone really cared if i was mad when i was younger to be honest. i think that because i remember having the lightbulb flicker on in my head when i realized that if i wanted people to pay attention to my anger, i should be loud and sudden. that is basically the opposite of what you should do, im pretty sure. i was never as loud and sudden as he was, but i tried being intimidating in order to show my anger, but since im not in a position of authority like him, my family just laughed me off as being overdramatic.

i think my family either laughed off, ignored, or didnt notice a lot of the problems i had when i was younger. i do know that i kept quiet about most of my problems when i was younger, but i dont know why i would do that. i had awful separation anxiety, but i dont think they noticed since i showed it in a weird way. if my parents were out of the room, i would leave the room and check on them every few minutes to make sure they hadnt abandoned me or died. i would just poke my head out and say "hi" before leaving, im pretty sure. they probably thought it was cute, but it was really annoying to be forced to get up or just simply call for them just to make sure. i would think about death a lot too. i used to sleep in my mothers bed and hug her while i slept, and one morning i woke up and just stared at her while she slept and wondered what i would do when she died. i didnt know what i would do, so i just hugged onto her tight and tried to save the memory so that i would have it forever. the sensation is still sort of there, and i used this technique for my first cat before he passed away, so i still know what his fur felt like. i also have a specific memory of staring blankly at the ceiling and praying to god to kill me before i became an adult since it seemed so complicated.

im fairly certain that i had intrusive thoughts when i was younger. im not sure if ive mentioned this before, but my back is kind of sensitive now since i became obsessively worried about someone stabbing me in my back when i was younger. i had seen a scene from a video game online where a video game character got stabbed in the back, and i would refuse to sleep with my back facing outwards since i was afraid it would happen to me. i would do anything to keep my back protected. as a result, my back became sensitive to the point where breathing on my bare back would make me freak out. it isnt that bad anymore now thankfully, but it is still sensitive. i also had sacrilegious intrusive thoughts that i would spend my energy on trying to fight. i didnt know that intrusive thoughts wont stop appearing unless you ignore them, so i would just sit for minutes on end and try to force the thoughts away since i was convinced that they were coming from me and i would go to hell for these thoughts.

im sorry for going on that rant. i dont really have anyone else to talk to about this sort of thing anymore and it gnaws on my mind whenever i think about it. a lot of people remember their childhood fondly but a lot of the things i can remember are just bizarre and slightly sad. like i said, today was okay. i dont really have anything else to write for today so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 21 - 20

8:18 PM

160

hello. im still procrastinating and im really irritated by it. ive been looking at a screen for the whole day and my head wont stop hurting. i just want to finish my homework but for some reason i wont let myself. i was playing a game online this morning while procrastinating, and someone on there was talking about a game called "sky: children of the light". i decided to try it out today and now im procrastinating on playing the first game by playing the second game. let me repeat myself: im procrastinating on playing a game in order to procrastinate on doing my homework by playing a different game. im procrastinating on procrastinating. the game is just so interesting though, and it fits my aesthetic perfectly. i would have to put it down for a few minutes every once in a while though because of my headache.

i literally do not understand my problem. i just need to sit down and answer a bunch of silly questions and then im done, but no. my brain has other plans, like staring at my ceiling for ten minutes straight or putting temporary tattoos on my arms. all of the events around the world right now just make me want to ram my head into a wall. actually, i think everything in general is making me want to ram my head into a wall. i usually hate getting dressed and heading out but now i think i would do almost anything just to get away from this house. i think i would do almost anything just to get away from these circumstances.

im going to stop talking before i make myself upset. goodbye.

3 - 20 - 20

9:59 PM

159

hello. i feel better now. im still a bit upset though. i think i was upset last night because of the amount of homework i need to do that im procrastinating on doing. for the past few days ive been in a bit of daze because of all of the events unfolding around me, so i havent really had much time to think about the amount of work that im accumulating. that being said, i still have plenty of time to do my work, im just a bit soft since i havent done schoolwork in a while now.

today was okay i think. i say "i think" because i cant remember a lot of it. i only really remember pacing in circles over and over again in my basement as i usually do. my mother has decided to start cleaning up the basement, which is nice however now there are some things in the middle of the circle where i pace around. i have a specific circle where i pace but now there are a few boxes in my path so instead of being able to mindlessly pace, i have to pay attention to make sure that i dont scrape my leg or whatever as im pacing. it is pretty annoying, but ah well. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 19 - 20

7:15 PM

158

hello. this entry is definitely going to be short because i feel really awful for some reason right now. this morning didnt start off too great. i actually slammed my head into the wall in my sleep, and i only remember doing that because i woke up for two seconds to realize what had happened before dozing off again. when i woke up for real later in the morning, i quickly sat up and accidentally and painfully dragged my nails down my leg. despite that start to my day, today was still pretty good, but i feel really... upset right now. i feel like im short of breath and i feel like im panicking. im just going to end this entry here so i can lay down, relax, and hopefully stop feeling this way. i apologize for such a short entry. goodbye.

3 - 18 - 20

9:13 PM

157

hello. well, i had an absolutely fantastic start to today. well, maybe not a start since i fell back asleep, but it still was pretty annoying. i woke up pretty early in the morning to shouting outside of my window. i checked my phone, and it was almost three in the morning. i dont remember what they were shouting about at all, but i remember that it was an argument. i remember being pretty annoyed and then falling back asleep. when i told my mother about this later in the day, she told me that i probably dreamt it up, but im pretty sure i didnt. when i checked my phone, i saw that i had a notification for a news article. i remembered the title, and when i checked my phone again in the morning, i saw the same notification. my brain might be able to predict numbers, but i certainly cant come up with a random news article title and be correct. ive been hearing a lot of shouting outside recently and i dont know why. it doesnt seem to be about the virus, but maybe the pandemic is putting every on-edge. i just dont know why they had to be arguing at three in the morning, a time that most sensible people are asleep, but whatever.

anyways, today was fine. during the afternoon, my sister asked me if i wanted to sit outside with her to get some sun, but i was pretty hesitant. sunlight does a wonderful job at giving me a headache, no matter if im wearing sunglasses or not. my sister then reminded me that it had been almost a week since i had been outside, something which i hadnt been tracking at all. the last time i had left the house was on thursday of last week, and today is wednesday. i felt a bit concerned for myself, so i decided to join her. she was a bit annoyed at me for being so indecisive about what to wear outside. i cant really blame her though. after all, there is barely anyone outside anymore, and we were going to just sit in our backyard. it wasnt like anyone would even see us even if they were outside. still, i wanted to feel nice.

it was a bit eerie, to be honest. there were still cars... at least, i think i heard cars. i can only remember hearing one car driving past our backyard. it is probably just my bad memory though. there was more shouting outside today, so we just sat together quietly until it stopped. life is really weird now. i mean, just a month ago i was going to school and completing homework on a regular basis. now it seems like the rules of daily life have been completely thrown out of the window. my mother tells me that a majority of the shelves at the grocery store have been wiped clean. im a bit disturbed yet unsurprised at how selfish people seem to be. people are buying stores out of toilet paper and leaving none for people who may actually need it at the moment. the world seems to be in chaos right now, but i still think everything is going to be okay.

i dont have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

3 - 17 - 20

9:00 PM

156

hello. happy saint patricks day. i guess today was better than yesterday. i still feel a bit sad for some reason though. it might be because i really want to get dressed up and go outside for some reason. it is really weird, since i usually hate getting all dressed up and going somewhere. the tension in my house has settled and it seems like nobody is angry anymore, which is relieving. my mother had been giving us a little bit of the silent treatment last night, so i was thankful when she spoke today and her words didnt seem hostile.

ive been really bored, so ive made a to-do list full of things i can do. ive been on my laptop constantly for the past few days, which is probably not very good for my health.

i dont really have anything else to say for today since ive been doing basically nothing, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 16 - 20

8:55 PM

155

hello. well, today was an absolute nightmare. it actually started off good, but then suddenly spiralled out of control during the afternoon. during the afternoon i was pacing around in the basement as usual when i heard angry shouting upstairs. i assumed it was just one of those occasional arguments between my mother and my sister, but then i heard my name and then angry stomping towards the basement door. my sister came in and told me that we had to have a family discussion when our father returned. apparently my sister had found a container of olive oil on my mothers dresser and confronted her about it. i dont think ive mentioned this on here before, but my mother has a history of smearing cooking oil and olive oil on things in an attempt to anoint the house. she has even smeared oil on the heads of both of our cats.

ive grown at least a little bit accustomed to the occasional arguments, but the thought of having a family discussion makes me feel irritated. we had only had one family discussion before this one today, and that discussion lasted for an hour and ended with an awkward agreement between my mother and my sister. when my sister had told me today that we were to have a family discussion, our father was out of the house and was going to be home soon. i hesitated a bit, but then i gathered my things and just quietly sat at the kitchen table until he came home. when he did come home, i felt absolutely awful because he seemed to be in a happy mood, and i could practically see the light drain from his eyes the second my mother and my sister spoke in that familar harsh tone.

it got scary really fast. my mother started screaming and crying, two actions that i have never heard her combine before. the sound was grating and awful on my ears. it made me start crying involuntarily. she started yelling that us three (me, my father, and my sister) were ganging up on her, even though i was staying quiet for the majority of the discussion because i just wanted to lie down and sleep. she was walking around very angrily, and the discussion ended on a foul note. i ended up leaving with my hand covering my mouth because i was afraid that i would make gross noises from crying. since i was crying so heavily, my sister basically dragged me out to tell our mother how i felt, but i could barely get out any words because i was just so tired and my head was hurting and i was very thirsty. i went back into my room after that.

i remember, before my mother took me out of therapy, my therapist and i were talking about the arguments that take place in my house. at one point in the conversation, she asked me, "does anyone come to comfort you after an argument?", and i told her no. she looked at me and said, "im sorry. you must feel very lonely." i remember that after she told me that, i suddenly realized how lonely it actually felt. a majority of the times i just lie down and let the numbness consume me, because what else can i do? i never really stopped to feel lonely about it.

i sort of just sat blankly in my room for maybe half an hour before i was told that it was time for dinner. during the entire dinner, my mother just ate in silence. her movements were very violent and sudden. it really spooked me, but i tried really hard to not show it. when she finished, she put her plate in the sink and went downstairs. in the corner of my eye, i saw my sister cover her face with her hands and make a sound that sounded like laughter. she usually laughs when my mother is upset, so i turned to look at her because i thought that my father would be upset, but then i realized that she had started sobbing into her hands. it was really eerie because, well, in the past pretty much no one cries during an argument except for me, since i cry involuntarily when im angry. we sat in silence for a few more minutes until my mother came back up and we had yet another discussion.

this one was more... balanced, i guess. the other one felt like chaotic screaming and crying, but this one at least had the illusion of order. i started to zone out during it because of how tired and sad i was. i did a reality check or two just to make sure i was still awake. my hands were clasped together and my head was resting on top of them, and it felt like at any second my hands would just phase through eachother and i would be out of my body. i dont really remember exactly what was said since my brain was doing my best to mentally get me out of there, but everyone came to an agreement and we all left, with most of us having tears drying on our faces. what an emotional rollercoaster.

im going to end this entry here since it is getting really long. i just hope that tomorrow is better, since im basically stuck in this house until the spread of the coronavirus slows down. goodbye.

3 - 15 - 20

9:19 PM

154

hello. i did nothing today, as per usual. right now my existence feels so messy and disorganized and i dont really know what to do. it is funny how ive spent my life just wanting to stay indoors, but the second that i should probably stay indoors, i want to go outside and into public areas. i really wanted to go to the dollar store today for some reason. it was weird. i think that the bright sun outside was making feel all energized or something. i ended up just walking around my house from frustration. i think that this whole coronavirus event might end up being a big event in history or whatever, and it is really funny to think about it in that sort of light. a big historical event is happening all around me and what am i doing? why, im sitting in my room and thinking about how much i want to eat cashews of course.

also, im kind of worried about what is going to be done about school. apparently i now have two weeks off, or at least until the spread of the virus starts to slow down i guess. my present self is glad that i have time to relax, however my future self is justifably worried. what are they going to do? are they going to make us go to school during the summer? ive heard rumors that all of the schools are going to be closed until the end of the year, which is worrying. i really hope i dont have to retake an entire school year just because some pandemic decided to show up.

i dont really have anything else to say for today, so im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 14 - 20

8:45 PM

153

hello. my school has decided to close for the entirety of next week. each day has been feeling more and more like some weird dream that i cant escape. having a lot of time to overthink about everything that is going on isnt really helping me either. to be honest, i think that everything is going to be fine in the end, but my brain has a funny talent of twisting thoughts into awful things that make me writhe in my seat just thinking about them.

i did nothing today. big shocker there. i actually somehow managed to take a nap during the afternoon in broad daylight, which was nice. it is usually incredibly hard for me to sleep when there is light outside, but i guess today was an exception. i dont really have anything else to say for today so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 13 - 20

9:03 PM

152

hello. last night, i was somewhat lucid in my dreams. i couldnt control anything, however i realized that i was dreaming and i decided to jump out of an apartment window. i dont know why, but to be honest i think it was a weak attempt to fly. i closed my eyes during the whole fall down since i didnt want to freak out from the sight of the ground rushing up to meet me. i could feel the wind and air move around me. there was another part of my dream where i was being chased, and i had to put all of my concentration into my movements so that the person chasing me wouldnt reach me. it was weird.

my school decided to close today, so thankfully im not missing any work today. im still not sure if my school is closed on monday, however my mother is refusing to let me go regardless of what the school says. im a bit intrigued to see how next week plays out to be honest. im just hoping for the best at this point. im less worried about myself catching the virus and more worried about unknowingly spreading it to people with weak immune systems. i dont want to say that my immune system is perfect, but i used to eat food dropped on the floor when i was younger in an attempt to get sick and stay home from school, and i only succeeded one time. of course, i dont do that anymore and it was really foolish of me to do that, but i like to believe that it has somehow hardened my immune system.

since i didnt really do much today other than lounge around and think about how tired i am, i dont really have anything else to say so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 12 - 20

6:57 PM

151

hello. my mother isnt going to let me go to school tomorrow because of the coronavirus, which is great, except for the fact that the teachers dont really seem to care and are still handing out work regardless. my history test is tomorrow, and i guess im going to have to present my health project whenever i come back to school. when i was walking to my first class this morning, a kid let out a very over-exaggerated cough when they walked past me, and everyone turned and looked at him with a frightened expression. i also saw one kid in the lunchroom with a chicken mask over their face. the people in my school arent coping very well with the coronavirus it seems. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 11 - 20

9:00 PM

150

hello. i was pretty afraid to go to school today, but fortunately i was right in my previous entry in that i didnt miss too many things. im just really frustrated about my project for my fourth class, which is my health class. i really thought that i would enjoy health, i really did. im very fascinated by these sorts of things, but i keep finding myself getting more and more bored in the class. it seems to just be texbook work and projects. dont get me wrong, i wasnt expecting no work at all, but it seems like every class is just working out of the textbook and then getting a project about it. my teacher actually told us a while ago that he wouldnt make us work in groups or present since he understands social anxiety, but now all of a sudden he is makng us present our projects. it's so weird. he is giving me an extra day to work on it since i was absent, so i guess i have some time to at least prepare myself. im not really nervous about presenting, im more nervous about the quality of what i am presenting.

i tried to work on the project on monday in class when i received it, and it turns out that i did it wrong, so now i have to redo it. now i have tonight and tomorrow to throw a presentation together. i have to start working on it now, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 10 - 20

9:04 PM

149

hello. i decided to stay home today, but now im really ashamed of it now because i feel like i just wasted an absence. i stayed home since my stomach started feeling a bit weird again, but it ended up not hurting at all. im fairly certain that nothing too important happened today, though, so at least i wasnt absent on a busy day. i just wish that my teachers had websites so i could at least complete the homework and have a vague sense of what had happened while i was gone. some of my teachers do have websites, however they dont update them with the homework at all. i dont have many good friends in my classes (the girl who sits with me at lunch doesnt talk to me a lot anymore. we just say hello and goodbye.) so it isnt like i could just message them for the homework.

i didnt do anything productive today. to be honest, im not exactly sure what i could even do that could be considered productive at this point. if i work on schoolwork, i feel like all of what im doing is useless and im never going to use this knowledge in my lifetime. if i work on my hobbies, i get feel like im wasting time doing pointless things with no gain at all. if i do nothing at all, i start lecturing myself about how lazy i am. it seems like i cant win. getting home from school is fun, but it can stop being fun after a while since my thoughts get worse and worse when im alone. a while ago the rest of my family had to go somewhere so i was home alone for the entire day. i was completely fine and happy in the beginning but i started getting more and more upset and miserable. near the end of the day when they came back home, i was having an identity crisis and pacing around the house.

i think i probably have low self-esteem, which is why i thought interacting with myself in a dream would be intriguing. if i met myself in a dream, my brain would probably create its own little version of me that acts like how i think i act. i would probably act very clumsy and move really slow since thats how i feel like i act, even though i know it is probably just my low self-esteem talking.

im getting kind of tired, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 9 - 20

8:43 PM

148

hello. today was one of those days that is just so awful that you really have to just stand back and admire it. like, everything that happened today just fell into place to maximize my discomfort. during my second class i started feeling really sick, and my teacher decided to give all of us very complex instructions for a lab that we needed to complete that period. then i was told in my fourth class that we need to start a new project. in my sixth class i needed to finish that essay from friday, and i had a quiz in my eighth class. the entire day i just felt very ill and my abdomen was hurting really badly.

i dont feel that sick anymore, but my stomach still feels kind of weird. if i wake up tomorrow and i just dont feel right, i might just stay home. i really need to finish my homework, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 8 - 20

8:46 PM

147

hello. last night i was thinking about games i used to have on my old phone, and i realized that i could probably download them onto my new phone since it has a lot more storage than my old one. since there was very little storage on my old phone, i had little to no room for anything fun; i mostly just stuck to youtube or apps for school and whatnot. i redownloaded some games on my new phone, and now i cant stop playing them. ive been playing them all day and now my eyes are burning. i woke up this morning and decided to check my games again, however i didnt check the time when i woke up. it was three in the morning. i only realized that after around maybe fifteen minutes of playing, and i knew that it would be practically impossible for me to go back to sleep after looking at a screen for that long. so, ive been up since three in the morning.

you can imagine how today went, and you can almost certainly imagine how i feel about going to school tomorrow. if im going to take a day off in march, it certainly isnt going to be tomorrow, though. my science test is tomorrow, and i also have no gym class. i try to make sure that im only absent on gym class days whenever possible, since if im going to miss work, i dont want to have to make up work and also be thrown back into gym class on the first day back.

im going to end this entry here since my eyes are burning and also because i still have homework to do. goodbye.

3 - 7 - 20

7:29 PM

146

hello. i went to bed shortly after writing my last entry, so i was hoping that i would maybe dream about myself since the idea was still fresh in my mind, but nope. instead i dreamt about cleaning my room and opening a weird bottle. the bottle shot a cloud of dust into my eyes, and i wasnt able to see anything else for the rest of the dream. lovely. anyways, today was boring, as weekends usually are. dont get me wrong, i absolutely love weekends, but i end up spending most of my freetime just... sitting around and doing nothing. i did that today. since i didnt do much, i dont have much to talk about. i was planning on talking more about my dreams today, however i cant really think of anything else to say about it. i think im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 6 - 20

7:23 PM

145

hello. today went better than i expected. the test in my first class was postponed for monday, and the other things i had to do today were fine. it wasnt like i was nervous or anything for today; in all honesty i was more worried about getting out of school as soon as possible. also, my aunt didnt come over today, so ive just been lounging around for the past few hours. i dont really have anything else to say about my schoolday, so i guess i should talk about something that happened this morning.

this morning i left my room to start getting ready for school as i usually do. when i did, i got a text from my sister telling me to go into her room. i got nervous, because i thought she would yell at me for being too loud, but when i got into her room she told me that she had just woken up from a nightmare where i was evil and i was trying to kill her. in the dream, i was letting the microwave run without anything in it and i was trying to spill hot coffee on her. she wanted to hold my hand, and i let her. i felt kind of bad about it even though i hadnt done anything, and i ended up apologizing for something that her version of me did. i was internally joking that this was pay-back for that one nightmare i had a few years ago where she chased me around with a knife. i mention all of this this because it just made me start to wonder about how i act in the dreams of people i know. i... dont really act like how i feel in front of people. i know a lot of people act differently when they are alone, but i usually lie and act in front of people i know, so im beginning to wonder what kind of weird version of me exists inside the heads of other people.

now im starting to wonder how i would act inside my own dreams. i can only remember one time where i interacted with myself in a dream (not including that weird one with my future-self because i still have no idea what was going on there), and it was... kind of short. i was climbing onto the bleachers of the football field from my school, when i noticed the back of someones head that looked like my hair. for some reason, i realized that i was in a memory of me during gym class, but just far away. at first i was really afraid to try to get my own attention, but then i decided to start calling for myself. i saw myself turn around, smile, and start waving. i started waving too, and thats all i can really remember. the whole encounter seemed really sad for some reason, at least for me. i was too far away from myself, but i desperately wanted to jump down and grab myself and hug them or something. i wonder if i would act differently in my dreams than how i actually act. everyone who knows me has a different version of me inside of their head, so why would i be any different?

im getting pretty tired, so i will end this entry here. i will probably talk more about this tomorrow since it is really interesting. goodbye.

3 - 5 - 20

8:05 PM

144

hello. today was actually pretty good until i got home. i did well on my math test, my english teacher apologized, and i didnt have my gym class today so i wasnt too stressed. i say "until i got home" though, because.... well...

a while after i came home, my grandmother called the house and my mother picked up. they talked for a little while until the conversation grew... worrisome. my mother started talking about the coronavirus and how the government is trying to kill all of us. she started yelling about how we need to conserve water and canned foods, that sort of thing. it made me feel really... uneasy, for obvious reasons. i was near her in the living room when she started talking about this, so i just ate something from the kitchen really quickly and retreated to my room to calm down. the rest of my family and i have told her several times in the past to avoid talking about these kinds of things in front of me, and she always agrees but then does it later. while i was trying to calm down in my room, my mother came in, still on the phone, and asked if she had made me upset. i started trying to speak but then i felt tears beginning to swell up and i just lost it. she was seemingly very shocked and was trying to console me, and i kept telling her that she never listens to me and she always makes me afraid. my mother ended up having to hang up the call since i was being so loud. she kept apologizing and saying she wouldnt mention it in front of me again, but i know that that isnt going to last.

it isnt that i believe in the things she says. i know that a lot of what she says is just garbage she absorbed from whatever she views online, but i think it is just the... disrespect, i guess. ive told her again and again to not mention doomsday-like scenarios around me since it makes me panic, but she never listens. she just yesses me to death and then runs and does it again. my family had to step in a while ago and tell her to stop, but she never does. my mother also seems very obsessed with growing vegetables now. ive been really wanting to start a garden, however my intentions are just for fun and exercise while it seems like my mother is trying to grow vegetables as an emergency food supply for when doomsday happens. she is currently trying to grow tomato plants in my room. we used to have tomato plants outside. i bought them last year from my school, since my mother wanted me to buy them after she found out about my diary. they grew pretty big and gave us a lot of tomatoes, but i was kind of relieved when they died. i saw them every morning when i looked outside, and they would just remind me of what had happened.

tomorrow is a very busy day. i have test in my first class, a quiz in my third class, another quiz in my fourth class, and an essay in my sixth class. im just hoping that tomorrow will go by quickly, since tomorrow is friday. my aunt might be coming over tomorrow too, and my mother loves to discuss horrible scenarios with her, so im a bit nervous. i still have homework to do, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 4 - 20

8:34 PM

143

hello. today was bad. from the dreams i had last night to right now as im typing this, this entire day has just been awful. the dreams i had last night were pretty annoying. do you remember that girl i mentioned earlier who would say perverted things to me and was seemingly obsessed with me? i had a dream where a different girl did something very similar. they both look alike, however the girl in real life has black hair while this girl had blonde hair. in the dream, i think i was wandering in the hallways during classes when i noticed that a girl had been following me for a while. i also remember that i was near my science teacher from last year when this happened. the girl ran up to me and gave me a paper bag and then ran away. my old science teacher asked me about the bag, so i decided to open it. there was a lot of candy in the bag, however one thing that i remember that really made me laugh was the empty tortilla chip bag thrown in there.

i cant remember much of what happened, however the girl kept dragging me around the school and i wasnt allowed any sort of freedom from her, as she would just follow me around if i tried to stray. i ended up having an outburst in the cafeteria. i think she had gifted me a balloon of some kind, and i just freaked out and either popped the balloon or cut the string, i cant remember. i think i ended up trying to convince her to leave me alone before i woke up. it was really annoying.

anyways, onto today. i was pretty upset about today since i had my gym class today. we are playing volleyball, which really hurts my hands. i was really concerned that the pain meant that i was doing something wrong, however everyone i ask says that it is supposed to hurt. fantastic. my math test today was also really horrible. it turns out that there were twelve questions on it, which means that each question is worth more. even worse is the fact that my brain started panicking and drawing blanks, even though i kept trying to calm down. i was able to answer most of them with a moderate hint of uncertainty, so i guess i will just have to wait and see.

i have my english class right after my math class. since my english class is the last class of the day, i was hoping that i would just be able to calm down after that test. nope. i didnt mention this since it wasnt important, but a few days ago my english teacher went around to each student in the class and edited something on our calendar that he gave us. the calendar tells us where we need to go and what we need to do for each day. he wrote down on mine that we needed to go to the main classroom on wednesday of next week. i didnt think too much of it, and he didnt have a whole discussion with the class about it when we were finished, so i just continued doing my work. well, i think he must have made a mistake, considering that when i showed up to the library today (where we are currently working), no one was there. at all. i sat there until the bell rang as i thought everyone else might still be showing up, but no. i checked my calendar over and over again to see if i was in the right room, and i was in the right room according to my calendar. confused, i went to the main classroom and the whole class was there with a substitute teacher. i think he gave everyone else the right date and then just wrote the wrong date for me, which really infuriated me for some reason. i know it was probably a mistake, but i was so upset that i worked on a really hard test and then i had to be nervous about where my english class was. and since i cry when im angry, i spent most of that class simply trying to hold back tears. it was really frustrating.

i have a lot of work to work on, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 3 - 20

8:50 PM

142

hello. today was alright. from what i heard in my math class today, the worms placed in the water fountains were placed there as a prank, but that is an awful place to put them to be honest. the water fountains are right next to the locker rooms, which is where people often need water the most. then again, that was probably a part of their weird plan. anyways, i didnt have much homework tonight, but that is only because i have a math test tomorrow. i cant tell if im losing or winning in this scenario, but im pretty confident about the test so i dont have too much to worry about. im more bothered with how boring tests can be, especially math tests. oh well. i guess i should just power through it tomorrow. i dont really have anything else to say so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

3 - 2 - 20

8:21 PM

141

hello. today was kind of annoying, although im very happy about the fact that i have very little homework to do tonight. i think ive reached that point in the school year where i just feel like groaning and complaining all of the time, especially about the school itself. everything is so filthy it is almost unbelievable. while waiting outside for the locker room door to be opened today, someone pointed out that there were dead worms in the water fountains right next to the door. i turned to look and there were actual dead worms. i think they might have been mealworms. i was told that you could see more of them as well as fungi if you looked down the drain, however i think looking down the drain would be the equivalent of looking down the barrel of a gun so i avoided doing that. other than that and the inherent annoyance of school, today was fine. im going to end this entry here so i can finish my homework. goodbye.

3 - 1 - 20

9:25 PM

140

hello. today was awful. like, really really awful. last night i had one of those dreams where my mother tries to hurt me, and it was just all downhill from there. for some reason, near the end of the day i just felt... so slow. not just in my walking, but... everything. i was starting to freak out because it felt like everything was too slow. i think i might have also started zoning out because it felt like everything was about to fade away and i was desperately trying to hold and feel things with my hands to reassure myself that they werent. i also feel the urge to just destroy everything about me and begin again but that isnt exactly the smartest option. like ive mentioned before, ive made it so far and destroying everything would just set me back even further. i also have my gym class tomorrow, so thats just going to be a nightmare, but oh well i suppose...? i will end this entry here so i can sleep and maybe calm down. goodbye.

2 - 29 - 20

7:31 PM

139

hello. before i forget to mention this, happy leap day. i had a really bizarre dream last night, to the point where i just wanted to run and make an entry as soon as i woke up, however i knew that my father and i were finally going to clean up that furby i bought a while ago so i decided to just wait until the end of the day so i could put both things in one entry. ive been very excited about this dream for the entire day, so here we go.

i would say that this dream was very similar to the concept of "red door yellow door", which i mentioned a while ago. i even had a few seconds of lucidity where i compared the dream and the game and thought "i hope i dont encounter a room full of clocks." before losing my lucidity. there was a seemingly coherent map, not like in most dreams where everything changes constantly, although there were a few times where things seemed to switch around. the first room i was in was actually a pretty big thrift store. i think it is really funny how, even in my dreams, when i encounter a shelf of toys, i immediately dig through them in search of furbys. alas, there were no furbys, although i did poke around and marvel at the toys. the second room i remember sounds really creepy, but i assure you it wasnt. it was an empty room with a big table covered with porcelain figurines, and there was a quiet man tending to them.

i remember one part of the house was a white hallway with white doors, which looked similar to my hallway despite the different colors. i was looking at the doors, wondering which one i should pick, when i reached a door that had a piece of paper with my name on it taped to the door. i think it is really weird that i still remember the handwriting. i was a bit concerned, however i decided to open the door. the room seemed familiar but i cant remember where ive seen it from. it was filled with useless collectibles. the left side is the only real part i can remember though. a large portion of the left wall was lined with glass display cases with pastries and desserts inside them. i remember thinking in the dream that that was probably a funny reference to an old nickname i used to go by online. then, near the top left corner of the room, there was an open laptop on top of the display cases with a google document opened on it. i took a look at the screen, and it was very repetitive gibberish which i tried very hard to remember, but i cant remember much of what was written. i do remember the word "paradise" being thrown around, and i remember thinking about a canoe over water during a sunset.

there was also another room, however i guess i need to supply context in order to continue explaining. i have maladaptive daydreaming disorder and i tend to daydream about certain characters that ive completely made up inside of my head. one of the characters from my daydreams actually somewhat accompanied me throughout this dream, although since she isnt based off of a person she occasionally took the appearance of other people ive seen so that i could picture her better. her name is diana. i had actually visited this room alone earlier in this dream, however she joined me for the second time. it was a bedroom with a man and his cat. i was actually really excited to come back to this room because of the cat, however the man wanted to play a game with us. i dont remember what game it was. we both agreed, and i remember we sat at a round table with four seats. at first i was confused about the extra seat, however the cat actually sat down on the fourth seat. diana sat across from me while the cat and the man sat across from eachother. this part is... really creepy but also very hard to explain. apparently the seating position was cursed or something, causing the cat to become humanoid and gain an incredibly annoying high-pitched voice, while the man completely lost his voice. the man started clutching at his throat and reached for the cat, however the cat just made this shrieking cackling noise and mocked him. i dont know why, but diana and i started preventing the man from grabbing the cat. after a while we gave up and stood up, and i turned my back to look at something in a glass case. when i turned back around, diana was completely gone.

at first i started calling for her using her nickname, which is dia, since i thought she was just out of my sight, however i became more panicked and frenzied when i realized she wasnt anywhere. i started screaming her full name at the top of my lungs, and i started running through each room. i eventually reached the porcelain figurine room, and i noticed there was a balcony near the back of the room that i failed to check earlier, so i ran out and looked outside. the atmosphere seemed incredibly foggy, and it was the middle of the night. now, i dont know why, but all of a sudden my screams turned from her name to the word "mercy". i just started screaming "MERCY!" at the top of my lungs, and everything started clearing up all of a sudden. diana appeared and it became daytime. i think i remember this part of the dream really vividly because i started feeling actual foam coming out of my mouth. i remember the sensation of snapping the bubbles with my teeth. everything seemed to magically resolve itself, and we left the house and got in a car and got driven away. we were both really happy since we were out of the house, however after a few minutes of peace, i heard the horrific shrieking noise from the humanoid cat, and then i woke up.

this dream was... very odd, obviously. my other recent dreams have been very difficult to remember, so it was pretty weird to just have an incredibly vivid dream pop up out of seemingly nowhere. it is also really weird because of the presence of diana. im not exactly a stranger to dreams involving people ive made up, however i can never really describe how they appeared in the dream. they usually appear as 2D, but i dont know how my brain is able to just paste them into a 3D world and call it a day (or i guess a night?). i also seem to be more aware of trying to remember things from my dreams. i had a dream a while ago where i heard a certain phrase, and i spent the rest of the dream memorizing it and then completely forgetting it the second i woke up. in this dream i was trying very hard to remember what was written, but i just couldnt. it is really weird.

anyways, since ive basically written an entire novel about this dream, ill end that topic there and talk about the furby since i didnt really do a lot today. this furby was so easy to wake up, it was unbelievable. i took what i figured out from fungus and applied it to this furby, who i named salmon since they have the same model as tuna, and i woke them up within a few minutes. a majority of those minutes were spent trying to figure out how to position the light source since i used the method where you pull the beak down and fiddle with the gears. i realized that since my new phone has a better camera than my old phone, i could open the camera app, turn my phones flashlight on, and look at the screen to see where i was putting the paperclip (i saved it after using it for fungus). it worked like a charm, although i did accidentally get the paperclip stuck in the gear when the furby woke up for a few nerve-wracking seconds, making an awful noise, but the furby works perfectly. i actually really like this one since it has a very high-pitched voice. this entry is getting really long, so ill just end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 28 - 20

7:20 PM

138

hello. today was... irritating, i guess. since today is friday, i was very frustrated throughout the day because i really just wanted to go home. today was also irritating because i kept overreacting to every little thing. i reached my breaking point at the end of the day when my mother and my sister bought me food. i was very grateful and excited to try the food. it was chicken and ribs with rice. when i opened the food container, the rice had peas in it, which im allergic to. im not deathly allergic, but they make my throat feel itchy and uncomfortable. i tried the chicken and ribs, and it left this awful aftertaste in my mouth. i was really upset, and im starting to realize that im probably not as good of an actor as i thought i was, considering the fact that my sister pulled my aside and asked me if everything was okay. in all honesty, how are you even supposed to react when someone asks you if youre okay? even if i am okay at that moment, being asked that question in a serious tone would make me nervous, and i would probably start fidgeting even if i wasnt lying. i told her i was fine and, after a good minute or so of being interrogated, she let me go.

also, i wanted to mention that we are learning about mental health disorders in my health class which is... interesting for me, considering that i have OCD and motor tics. i dont have tourettes syndrome since i dont have vocal tics, however i do have motor tics, so those started acting up when my teacher was discussing tourettes syndrome since my motor tics get worse when i am aware of them. whats weird is that i started ticcing in ways that i dont really do. i started interlocking my fingers, using two fingers under both eyes to pull down the skin, and biting at the first crease on both of my index fingers. that last one sounds really specific however it is an actual tic that i used to have. i ended up leaving that class with a headache since my ear-twitching tic wouldnt stop.

i dont really have anything else to say, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 27 - 20

7:13 PM

137

hello. im sorry if this entry is very short. i have a lot of homework to do tonight, so i will try to summarize my day as quickly as possible. today was alright, but it was still pretty annoying. for some reason i was very talkative today. that isnt a bad thing, but im usually very quiet throughout the day because i really want to go home. im really glad that tomorrow is friday, since all ive been wanting to do is lie down and stay down. again, like i said, i have a lot of homework to do, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 26 - 20

8:35 PM

136

hello. to be honest, im a bit surprised that this week is moving by so fast. not that there is anything wrong with that, of course. anyways, today was... pretty awful event-wise but i felt pretty fine nonetheless. there was a pudding cup in my lunchbag that exploded, so i wasnt able to eat lunch today. the last time i had eaten or drank anything was at five in the morning before i got ready for school, and it was two poptarts and a small glass of water. i ended up having to wait until i got home at around two in the afternoon so i could finally eat something and drink water. it was pretty weird because i wasnt hungry at all and i was only a little bit thirsty. on most schooldays i end up getting hungry near my third class and my lunch is my fifth class, but today i was alright. on the bus ride home, though, i started feeling very slow and tired, and when i talked it was quiet and monotone.

i really, really, really just want to get this week over with. most mornings i can force myself out of bed, however ever since monday ive been so tired that every morning im just eating breakfast and then laying back down like i used to do last year. this always made me feel so awful last year, but i think it was because i kept falling back asleep before having to get ready. to combat this, ive just been... not falling asleep when i lay back down, and it is actually working.

i have to finish my homework, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 25 - 20

8:32 PM

135

hello. i am so glad that today is over. nothing too bad happened, but i guess im just happy that im one day closer to the weekend. for whatever reason, going to sleep at night feels... very different now. im not sure how i can describe it, which just makes it even weirder. a similar thing happened again last night, where my sleep felt like a blink of my eyes, however i do remember actually turning my phone off and laying down, which is an upgrade i suppose. i couldnt rememeber any dreams from the first time this happened, however last night was different. i didnt remember my dreams this time either, however i did have a weirdly faint and vague sense of what had happened once i woke up, however i cannot remember it now. the only actual memory i have of my dreams from last night is a weird and disgusting image. fantastic.

anyways, today was fine. i had my gym class today, which was probably one of the most boring gym classes ive ever had in my entire life, and i had a gym class right before my break began where all we did was sit on the bleachers for the entire class. for today, we had to play a game, however no one was told what game we were playing. the game is some weird game where you have to knock over the other teams water jug with a ball, which was incredibly boring since you are only allowed to take two steps when you have the ball in your hand and you need to pass it to your teammates. the other gym classes took place on the other side of the gym, and we got to watch them play volleyball and other fun games while we were stuck with whatever this game was. it was really pathetic, and everyone involved just sort of moped around for the whole class. other than that, though, today was okay.

i have some homework to do, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 24 - 20

7:47 PM

134

hello. today was annoying, as i was expecting. it was incredibly hard to sleep last night because my shoulder (do i even need to specify which one? if you guessed left, you would be correct) was hurting really badly. unlike most nights, i dont remember making the conscious decision to sleep last night. at night i usually turn off my phone and try to fall asleep, however last night i just closed my eyes. when i opened them and checked my phone, it was a minute before my alarm went off. you can imagine how my morning went.

today, despite being annoying, was average. that is, until i had to endure the bus ride home. im no stranger to the awful smells and the loud conversations on the bus, however today was... different. two girls began having a screaming match because apparently a boyfriend of one girl cheated on her with the other girl. one girl was on the seat across from me, so i had to just sit there and endure the angry shouting. i really wish i understood why people do these sorts of things. dont get me wrong, i understand that this is a high school and i shouldnt expect common sense, but it is just so frustrating because i feel like this situation could be easily resolved if it was handled in private. but no, in order to show everyone how "intimidating" and "cool" you are, you have to have a screaming match with another girl on a crowded and smelly bus after a long first day back from break. seriously. it is monday.

i dont really have anything else to say, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 23 - 20

9:07 PM

133

hello. today was the last day of my break, so i decided to just calm down and relax for today. im really sad that my break is over, especially since the next break i have is in april. my mother assures me that i could take a day or two off in the middle of march without any consequences, however i dont really believe her. teachers seem to love to assign complicated assignments near certain parts of the year, and i need to be careful if i want to be absent and not miss something incredibly vital to an assignment. considering that i have six classes where this could happen, you can see how i feel the need to basically drag myself to school even though i feel like i would rather keel over. i guess one benefit of school is that it gives me time to practice drawing and writing with my left hand, but i cant really think of any other activities other than those two and maybe worldbuilding. school has actually taught me to be rather good at multitasking, since im able to take in information being told to me by teachers as well as doodle in my notebook. a big reason why im learning how to write with my left hand is so that i can doodle with one hand and write down notes with the other. i think it is even funnier that im practicing writing with my left hand in class and im actually getting quite good at it.

anyways, i guess i should say what i did today. as you might have expected, i didnt do a lot. i guess the only noteworthy thing was that i had a nosebleed while i was doing my homework. it is only noteworthy since i think i havent had a nosebleed since middle school. it is getting pretty late (since i had to finish a take-home test that i forgot i even had), so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 22 - 20

7:11 PM

132

hello. oh boy. today was quite the handful. i think ill talk about something related to my dreams right now, and then once im finished ill talk about how my day was.

do you remember those overly specific dreams i got a while ago? i just got another one last night, with more specific dates. in this dream, i travelled back in time to march 6th 2017 and april 2nd 2017. of course, nothing happened on those dates in the dream that seemed familiar or special, however these specific dates haunted me for the entirety of today because they were just so specific. since theyre so specific, i thought i would have no records of what had actually happened on those days. of course, that is until i just now remembered my journal from 2017. you know, the one my mom found and sent me to therapy for. i remembered this while i was in the shower, so i was desperately trying to finish cleaning myself so i could check the journal. unfortunately, my journal started in late march so i was unable to get records for march 6th, however i do have an entry from april 2nd, which is incredibly lucky since this journal wasnt a daily thing. of course, my luck can only extend so far. it turns out i only wrote about an embarrassing thing that happened on that day. i was expecting something cool, but i read the title of the entry (i used to call my entries "chapters" and give them titles) and i automatically remembered everything in great detail. the title was "theres fear in the leap, but faith in the fall" or something like that. i didnt read the entire thing because i recognized the first part of that sentence and shut the journal and threw it back into the box where it belongs. i think i got pranked by my own brain.

anyways, today was, like i said, a handful. today mainly consisted of emotion after emotion after emotion, with very few of them being good ones. i woke up and started immediately planning on becoming a bodybuilder, before starting to make a new worldbuilding project, and then ended the day with the worst outburst ive ever had in my entire life. im not sure if i should even call it an outburst. i felt so restless, but it didnt really feel like the loneliness disguising itself as restlessness like ive mentioned in the past. while my loneliness just wanted me to befriend people, this emotion wanted me to hit myself in the head with a frying pan until i calmed down. my heart rate was so fast and i thought i would going to be sick. i can only really describe it as "everything is too awful and theres too many problems to be fixed, i think the only way i can fix everything is to be reincarnated right now". right before this emotion happened, i realized that every day feels like im waiting for something, but i dont know what. after this emotion ended, i realized that i think im waiting for reincarnation.

i dont know. i feel like a lot of things are fixable if i put effort into fixing them, but then there are some things that are seemingly inevitable. my room is crowded, my house feels too small, it hurts to wake up in the morning, i cry when im angry and i cant stop, if i dont exercise ill get heavier but if i exercise i think i will throw up, my past has me by the neck, i feel dirty even after i take a shower. my laptop is slow, my nose is always stuffed, the only healthy foods in the house are yogurt and occasionally fruit, there is no room to exercise, it feels uncomfortable to do anything. the list goes on. i feel like such a crybaby when i list out all of my problems like that. maybe im waiting to grow older and get as far away as possible from my family. my mother spends her money on sugary sweets with little nutritional value, and then prays to jesus to make me lose weight. she doesnt realize that if nothing changes, jesus will probably take me away. as i was expecting, tears are streaking down my face now and my nose is even stuffier. i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 21 - 20

7:42 PM

131

hello. this entry is going to be very short because my head has been throbbing in pain since this afternoon. my little cousin and my aunt came over, which was fun until my headache became unbearable and i was basically forced to take medicine a few hours ago. the medicine hasnt done anything. the occasional screaming matches about politics between my mother and my sister didnt really help my headache either. i dont know if it is mere coincidence, but my laptop seems to love to have problems whenever im grumpy. the problem for tonight is that my laptop keeps saying something is wrong with my account, but when i click to try and see what the specific problem is and how i can fix it, my laptop just says "try again later". oh well, i guess i will ignore it for now. ill talk more tomorrow. goodbye.

2 - 20 - 20

8:13 PM

130

hello. to be honest, i didnt really do much today, other than play around with my new phone. my phone wasnt completely working yesterday, as my family and i were having trouble getting service on my new phone, however everything is fine now and everything that i want is switched over to my new phone. because everything was finally done, i turned off my old phone, which was a bit... sad. i was very hesitant to turn it off. i was given my old phone as a birthday gift a few years ago, during the climax of the worst event in my life (so far...?). when i look at my old phone, i see my younger self, watching bob ross on my phone late at night and desperately trying to focus on his words in order to avoid hearing what my conscience thought about me until i fell asleep. everyone involved with that event is far gone from my life now, but it feels like my old phone is an echo of what had happened. my sister warned me that it likely wouldnt turn back on after i shut it off, so i just double checked that everything was correctly transferred and then i turned it off.

im very glad that i have a better phone now, but im just very nervous of how fragile it is. the case i am using has a popsocket, and i thought it would be a good idea to slide the popsocket between my fingers for a better grip. of course, it would be a good idea if my fingers didnt have motor tics. the second i hold my phone like that, my fingers begin writhing and attempting to cross eachother. also, i dont think ive mentioned this before, but i have a very weird habit of instinctively thinking that i have six fingers on each hand for a few seconds. there have been a few times when i have rested the flat side of my hand with my pinky finger against a surface and panicked for a second because i couldnt feel my sixth finger that i dont have. when i was holding the popsocket between my fingers a while ago, my brain did just that. for now, i guess i will just hold my phone with my entire palm and i will just try to be very careful with it. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 19 - 20

8:10 PM

129

hello. im really excited today because i just got my new phone. just so you know, i used to use an iphone 5 but now im using an iphone 8, which is... a big jump features-wise. the screen is way bigger, the home button feels different, the apps look all different, et cetera. im also really glad that i have the ability to record my screen now.

i didnt really do much today, however there is one thing that i did this morning that im... intrigued by. have you heard of the game "red door yellow door"? i actually hadnt until yesterday, when my friend was scrolling through tiktoks on her phone and came across a video about this game. people say it is some "ritual" to explore your mind. i researched it a little bit since it interested me, and i looked at the rules and tips for the game, as well as experiences by people who say that they have played it. im going to be completely honest; i think a lot of the spooky things people are talking about are just their minds wanting to see scary things.

i dont feel like going into complete detail about the rules, but it involves the subject (the person exploring their mind) going into a "trance" and talking to the guide (the person guiding the subject) about what they see. the game revolves around the subject exploring different doors that they can see in their mind. the rules for what you should do are rather... specific. you should be woken up if you see a room full of clocks, you should avoid a man in a suit, and you should not go downstairs, and a few others. my personal theory is that when the person playing the game is told they do not want to see a room full of clocks, their mind is going to see that. for example, try not to think about penguins. see? when i told you to not think about penguins, your mind immediately thinks about penguins. i think it is sort of like that. you are told to avoid seeing a man in a suit, so your brain is going to see a man in a suit.

a lot of people warned about not playing this game alone, since "if you became unable to come out of the trance, nobody would be there to wake you up". they also warned that "if you die in the game, you die in real life". you are told to avoid a room full of clocks since clocks can trap you. after hearing all of these creepy things, i did what any normal person would do and i tried it alone this morning. it worked, however once i was seeing things it did not feel like a trance at all; it felt more like daydream. i was aware of my body, and i even successfully wriggled my toes and fingers around. i wonder if the whole "unable to come out of the trance" thing, if it is real, is something akin to sleep paralysis. the game does involve the subject lying very still and your body paralyzes itself when you sleep. i dont think it is too much of a stretch to think that it is your body starting to paralyze itself since it thinks it is going to sleep because it has been very still for so long. also, about dying in real life, what would the cause of death even be? would your organs just... fail? would you suffocate? that sounds odd.

anyways, i guess i should describe what i saw. it wasnt like a dream where everything is crystal clear like actual vision. it was more like, like i said, a daydream where you can visualize things. i appeared in front of three doors; a white door, a light blue door, and a dark blue door. the game also tells you to listen to your emotions about the doors, so i did just that. the white door and the dark blue door made me feel a bit uneasy but i felt indifferent about the light blue door, so i decided to just go into that one. there was a rug on the floor, as well as a table with chairs and a light hanging from the ceiling. there wasnt really anything to do so i just left, and i saw that there were three doors on the other side of the hallway. there was a red door, a green door, and an orange door. i didnt feel good about those three doors either so i decided to try to head down the hallway, however everything faded once i reached the end so i just opened my eyes. the entire thing only lasted for a few minutes.

i think the game relies on fear from the subject to work. if you have more than two players, the other people chant in the background until the person starts to see things, which would... probably spook me too. not to mention this is probably played at night for the extra fear factor. mix that in with instructions telling the subject that they might die or get stuck in their mind if they see certain things, and you have a recipe for disaster. dont get me wrong, i do think this could be used to explore your mind, however i dont think it is nearly as scary as what people online are saying. sure, you might see things that creep you out, however i dont think you could just fall into a coma because you saw some clocks or die on the spot because you imagined some spooky dude in a suit stabbing you or whatever. im not an expert on brain stuff though (although i really want to become a psychologist when im older), so take this weirdly overdramatic rant with a grain of salt i guess.

this entry is getting pretty big and i also want to play around with my new phone, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 18 - 20

8:34 PM

128

hello. im going to be completely honest; it will probably be impossible for me to stick to a routine, especially considering that i wanted to wake up at eight this morning, however i instead woke up at around five in the morning and i couldnt fall back asleep for the life of me. i think im better off just sticking to a to-do list where i can do anything in any order and dont feel like my activities are being timed. anyways, i didnt really do much today because my friend came over. since my friend came over, my father and i didnt really get a chance to clean the furby, so we both just agreed on doing it over the weekend since it is clear that we wont be able to find time for it on a weekday. my friend and i just hung out for a while until she left. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 17 - 20

6:36 PM

127

hello. my father and i decided to try to clean my furby tomorrow instead of today, so i mostly spent today lounging around. because i had so much time to myself, i began to overthink about a lot of things, and my mood began to decrease in the afternoon. for whatever reason, though, it is really high right now. since im really tired of doing nothing all day, ive been thinking about maybe trying to create a daily routine. the problem with this is that school is inevitably going to throw a wrench into my routine, obviously. another problem is that im seemingly unable to follow my own limits that i set myself. at this point i feel like i need to stick a sticky note over my eyes that tells me what i need to do, but even then it is likely that i would just close my eyes and ignore it. i guess for now ill just try to create a routine and then edit it if it doesnt seem to work. i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

2 - 16 - 20

7:44 PM

126

hello. i apologize in advance if this entry is a bit short. im really tired because i spent today looking for furbys. do you remember a while ago, when i mentioned meeting my friend at that store with the furbys? when we had met up at the store, there were three furbys. i bought one and left the other two in the store. as it turns out, my friend later bought one. today i decided to go back there and see if the third furby was still there, and thankfully it was, so i bought it. it is a bit dirty, however my father and i are going to try to clean it up a bit tomorrow and see if it works.

i also decided to go to my favorite mall with my father and my sister. i bought a furby keychain there and a little clown doll. i know it seems really weird, but i really want to collect clown dolls. not the big and scary ones, but the tiny ones with the plush body and porcelain heads. i think theyre absolutely adorable, however my mother thinks otherwise. my father and my sister were really weirded out and a bit concerned, considering that my mother would probably lose her mind if she saw a clown doll, however the doll doesnt seem too clownish. it has white mime makeup and a pink and yellow outfit with white lacy frills at the ends. it also doesnt have a hat. even though i dont think she would freak out too much, im still going to hide my doll just in case. there was another clown doll i wanted to buy, but i couldnt because this one looked very clownish. it had a big hat and a tail and cat-like makeup. i hope it is still there next time, just in case i think i can hide it.

im really tired, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 15 - 20

6:56 PM

125

hello. i had a... slightly weird dream last night. it was supposed to be a nightmare however i wasnt really that afraid at all. i think i wasnt scared because i was somewhat lucid. i remember being lucid in my backyard (which is where a lot of my moments of lucidity happen), however i wasnt completely lucid so i just laid on my back, stared at the sky, and desperately outstretched my arms in an attempt to lift myself off of the ground. obviously it didnt work and im... not exactly sure why i thought that would work. i also had a few moments of feeling a weird sense of nostalgia. there was one part where i was floating over multicolored hills in the middle of the night and the sight of it made my head hurt but i felt really nostalgic over it.

anyways, today started off feeling weirdly happy and then slowly turned into something.. a bit gloomy? i dont really know how to describe it. i remember feeling very warm and happy in the morning, however by the afternoon i felt like i needed to ram my head into a wall out of pure frustration. it was loneliness masking itself as angry impulsivity, like ive mentioned in a previous entry. since i knew what it actually was, i decided to let my impulses drag me to whatever they wanted me to do, and it ended up being... a bit sad.

i used to play this game a while ago called feral heart. i had it on my old laptop before my dad took it, however i havent had it installed on my current laptop because of a phase i had a while ago where i was constantly panicked about my laptop having viruses for some reason. im better now, considering that when the phase started i would be on edge when i was just turning my laptop on, but im still a bit nervous about installing things on my laptop. i mention all of this because the big impulse of today was reinstalling the game and playing it. i danced around the idea for a while before finally giving in, and thankfully the installation went smoothly.

i dont have a lot of clear memories associated with playing this game. i think a lot of them were erased from my mind. there were active people in one part of the map, but every other part of the game seemed dead and quiet. funnily enough, it is the quiet areas of the map that i think about the most. i looked at one section of the map where i remember meeting a friend, although their name seems to be on the tip of my tongue and i cant recall a thing about their personality. it felt like i was walking through a digital graveyard of experiences i cant remember. the nostalgic music playing in the background didnt really help me, either. after a while of wandering around, i started getting a headache and my laptop was overheating so i turned the game off and laid down on my bed for a while.

i wish i could have physical images of memories. theres too many things that happen to remember. i think i need to shut up and stop typing now because im starting to tear up and im not exactly in the mood for a clogged nose and a headache. ill end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 14 - 20

6:18 PM

124

hello, and happy valentines day. im so relieved that this week is finally over. since today is valentines day, i was a bit nervous that someone would try to ask me to date them as a joke since that sort of thing happened all of the time in middle school, however thankfully no one tried to do that today. as i expected, i spent most of today sitting at desks and constantly being on the verge of just faceplanting into the wood.

my third class ended up being held in the library and we needed to sit at tables with multiple seats. i picked an empty table and, as usual, everyone else pooled to the other tables, leaving me being the only one sitting alone. im usually completely unphased with this, but today my teacher just looked at me and asked "you arent sitting with anyone?" with a very concerned expression. it really caught me off guard because not a lot of people voice their concerns about my solitude. i get the occasional "do you want to work/sit/play with me?", but never something so direct. i told my teacher that i was fine whilst desperately trying to maintain eye contact (which was very difficult, considering my eyes just wanted to roll around in their sockets at the time), and the subject was dropped.

my mother got me a box of chocolates for valentines day and mcdonalds for dinner, both of which i thanked her for. since i have pretty much no impulse control, i ate both with very little time in between, leaving me feeling... not very good, obviously, but im okay now. to be honest, im not really sure what im going to do during this break, but i guess ill find out soon enough. ill end this entry here since im tired. goodbye.

2 - 13 - 20

6:58 PM

123

hello. this entry will probably be a little short because i just want to crawl into bed and end this day already. it isnt because today was bad or anything, it is just that im so frustrated with the fact that i have one more day to get through. im not exactly sure why im so distressed about this. i mean, of course it is annoying, but i just feel like im going to explode if i have to sit at one more desk and twiddle my thumbs while i wait for time to pass. ive been trying to doodle in class to pass the time, but theres only so many things i can doodle before i start getting bored. writing with my left hand is another thing i do, but my hand is still cramping up after a while of writing since the muscles are still weak. ill just end this entry here so i can just do my homework and go to bed. goodbye.

2 - 12 - 20

8:02 PM

122

hello. to be honest, today was actually pretty good. i have very little homework to do; just a few questions i need to finish. from what ive been hearing, it seems like theres very little work planned for almost all of my classes for the next two days. when i say "almost", i mean all of my classes except for my last class of the day, which is my english class. despite this, my brain is still practically begging me to just stay home so i can start my break early, but obviously i cannot do that. i really dont want to use up my absences absentmindedly (pun intended. is that considered a pun?) just because im too lazy to get out of bed, not to mention the fact that if i did stay home, i would feel absolutely horrible when i returned from my break because of all of the missed work. for now, im just picturing my waking life as being an annoying obstacle i have to get through in order to get back home and get back in bed. i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

2 - 11 - 20

7:54 PM

121

hello. i had a really weird dream last night. im not exactly sure how to even begin with what happened, so i suppose ill just get right to the point; in this dream i blacked out from october fourth to november thirtieth for fifty-seven days straight. in the beginning, i was at home and doing my homework at my laptop. i blinked for one second, and all of a sudden i was talking to my parents in our living room. i was obviously very confused so i checked the time. for some reason i knew that the beginning of the dream took place on october fourth, but when i checked the day, it was november thirtieth. my parents were confused about why i was confused, since i was apparently acting normal until i started freaking out. i spent the rest of the dream wandering around, being confused and wondering what happened in those fifty-seven days. the dream was frightening when i was experiencing it, however when i woke up i just felt incredibly curious as to why my brain chose those specific dates.

anyways, today was actually okay. my friend got me some gifts, which i thanked her for, and the birthday card that was supposed to go to me yesterday was handed to me by my first class teacher before the rest of the class arrived. im assuming that nobody remembered from yesterday since nobody said anything. my history teacher somehow found out that it was my birthday yesterday, so she yelled out "happy birthday!" to me today. i thanked her but then froze up once i realized what had happened, but a majority of the people in my history class were on their phones or screaming at each other so nobody really noticed, which im really thankful for. i also didnt really miss that much work, just a quiz that i easily finished.

near the end of the day, i started feeling angry and impulsive as i occasionally do, but i think i realized something; this frustration and impulsiveness is actually just loneliness. funnily enough, i realized this when i was so frustrated of being frustrated that i forced myself to sit still and just think. i started paying attention to what i wanted to do, and i realized that a majority of my impulses were about interacting with other people and making friends. i think it took me so long to name emotion because i always picture loneliness as being very passive and sad, while this emotion feels boiling and like i need to do something or i will explode.

i really need to do my homework so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 10 - 20

8:19 PM

120

hello. well, i guess i can forget all about what i mentioned yesterday. as it turns out, my family did actually buy me other gifts. i was surprised, but the gifts were absolutely welcomed. i got two things on my wishlist; that mirror i was talking about and a portable phone battery. i also got a briarberry bear, which is a toy i collect, so i was really happy. i hope i didnt annoy them by thanking them a lot.

the weather today was actually very gloomy. the wind was so loud that it sounded like it was growling from behind the windows and it was raining very heavily. needless to say, it was pretty good weather for doing absolutely nothing (although to be honest, i think the only weather that is not good for doing nothing would be something dangerous, like a drought or a tornado). because of that, i dont really have anything extraordinary to say about what i did today. i ate cake, got gifts, did absolutely nothing, ate cake again, took a shower, and now im typing this entry.

near the middle of the day, i remembered that i have school tomorrow, and i just felt this sort of... weird sadness. i dont want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, but i feel like im going to have to drag myself through this week as well. i dont have school for a week after this week, so im trying to keep myself motivated with that and also by telling myself that i just have four more days left to go. hopefully that works.

i dont really have anything else to say, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 9 - 20

6:50 PM

119

hello. i didnt really do much today to be honest. i just sort of stayed in bed until it was time for dinner. im assuming tomorrow is going to be like this too because im staying home, but i guess i will have to wait and see. im a bit nervous that the news about my birthday will spread around at my school while i am gone. my school likes to deliver birthday cards to students on their birthdays, so they will probably show up to my first class asking where i am. i know it sounds like a weird thing to worry about, but i know that the kids in my history class will try to shower me with compliments if they find out that it is my birthday. not out of the kindness of their hearts, but rather out of the desperateness to befriend me so i will let them copy off of my work.

im really excited because my family is finally getting me a new phone. my current phone is basically on its last leg and it has been like this for around a year. since phones are really expensive (obviously), im pretty sure that that is my only gift from them this year, which i dont blame them for. i think im going to use the money my relatives gave me and buy things off of my wishlist on my phone. a really important thing i want to buy is a full length mirror. i know it sounds weird, but let me explain. all of the mirrors in my house are hung up on the wall and are used for your top half only. because of this, i dont really have a good idea what my entire body looks like, and i get self-conscious if i get the rare chance to look in a full length mirror. i think that if i get a full length mirror, i will get more used to what my body looks like as a whole, and i will feel a little better about myself.

theres also other things on my list but thats the main thing i want to get. i dont really have anything else to say, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 8 - 20

8:04 PM

118

hello. like i said yesterday, my birthday party was today and i didnt really like it, although i suppose that isnt too surprising at this point. before the party had even began, i noticed that the one of the two boxes of cookies that were reserved for the guests had been opened. i think i heard my mother talking about eating some last night, and i also saw my sister eating a cookie this morning, so that... wasnt exactly the nicest thing. when some guests had arrived, the conversation of course turned to politics. during my birthday party. the food that was prepared was food that i didnt like at all, so i just stuck to eating the hero that my family had ordered. i spent most of today hiding in my room.

the singing made me a bit sad but i dont know why. i kept looking at my cake, specifically one part that was scribbled on the cake because my father forgot to ask for that part when my cake was ordered. i would say what i wished for, but ive heard that it wont come true if you say it. i need all the help i can get. i was told that this was the last birthday party being thrown for me, and im completely fine with that. they were interesting when i was younger because i didnt know what i was going to get; now all i get is money and boxes of chocolates with, like, three pieces of chocolate in them. im not even joking when i say that last part, either. today i received a box of chocolates that was smaller than my palm, and i was greeted with three pieces of chocolate when i opened it. what a waste.

im tired, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 7 - 20

7:11 PM

117

hello. today was also kind of bad. last night it took me three hours to fall asleep. i kept switching from mood to mood last night and it was really annoying, considering that i just wanted to sleep. at first, i was laughing really hard at something funny i saw on my phone until i started crying from laughter. after a while i decided that i should probably just go to bed, so i turned off my phone and started trying to sleep. not even two minutes after i started trying to fall sleep, i started sobbing violently. my crying caused my nose to clog up, so it became very hard to sleep after that. is there a reason as to why crying from sadness clogs your nose and crying from laughter doesnt? i know your nose get clogged because the excess tears drain to your nostrils, but why doesnt that happen with tears from laughter? i guess theres not enough from laughter. sorry, i started rambling. anyways, after around three hours of struggling to fall asleep, i finally did, and of course i had to have a nightmare. it wasnt that bad from what i can remember, but it didnt exactly start my day off on the right foot. i would say that all of the events that took place today were mostly alright, but it was just my emotional state that was dragging me down.

i was overreacting to almost everything today, but the problem is that my overreactions are internal so nobody can see them. i do this because i am aware that this sort of scenario isnt worth a full-blown screaming fit, but the anger just stays inside and doesnt come out until i have reached my breaking point.

also, i suppose i cant get away without mentioning this for any longer; my birthday is on monday. i tend to avoid bringing up my birthday, especially around new friends, because i have a horrible habit of forgetting birthdays. i feel awful about it, so i just dont bring up my birthday entirely so people dont feel like theyre obligated to wish me a happy birthday when i probably didnt do much for theirs. my birthday party is tomorrow and i absolutely dread it. people i dont want to see are going to be there and my mother is making food that i dont like. i tell her every year that i do not like the food she makes for my birthday, but she tells me it is easy to make so she will keep making it.

i dont really have anything else to say, and im really tired, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 6 - 20

7:17 PM

116

hello. today was awful, however im a bit intrigued by how i was somehow able to tell in the morning that today was going to be bad. my morning was actually alright until my "start getting ready for school" alarm went off, and then i realized how awful i felt. my head felt groggy and weird; not exactly a headache, but not painless either. i shook it off and started getting ready, but then i felt like i was just going to burst into tears. i was trying really hard to not try to predict how my day was going to be before it even started, but everything felt so suffocating.

i had my gym class today, which automatically makes the day a bit less... easy, i suppose. we had to play dodgeball today. dodgeball used to be my favorite game, but after i developed motor tics, it became really hard to play. a majority of the games in my gym class are really hard to play with motor tics. a lot of them require you to be alert and aware at all times, and i cant exactly do that with my eyes involuntarily rolling around in my skull. in the middle of the second game, my tics caught up to me and i couldnt see anything, so someone took the opportunity and hit me with a dodgeball. oh well.

in my italian class, i started laughing at something. my teacher was really confused as to what i found so funny, and in all honesty, it wasnt even that funny. i started crying because i was laughing so hard, and then i realized how much i wanted to cry out of sadness, so i started crying out of sadness too. i somehow simultaneously cried out of happiness and out of sadness. i dont think ive ever done that before, so thats interesting.

my head still feels groggy, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 5 - 20

7:08 PM

115

hello. to be honest, today was a bit annoying. i had to write a lot in my first class, which is science, which really annoyed me. i actually like to write, but when youre rapidly taking down notes and there seems to be an endless amount of slides... well, you start to get frustrated. i also had a quiz in my italian class. the quiz was fine, but the minutes before it felt like absolute torture and im not exactly sure why. i just felt so... restless, i suppose? there were so many people talking over eachother and there were so many questions people had and it just made me feel like i was going to explode.

the day started picking up after that class, but then crashed as soon as i got on the bus for the ride home. i dont think ive mentioned this, but my motor tics have gotten super bad, particularly in my eyes. i used to be able to close them while i was ticcing so it would be subtle, however i cant close my eyes during them. my eyes start rolling around in their sockets, usually upwards as if they were trying to roll back into my skull. i also start shaking my head, usually on a tilt. because of this, it is a bit hard to focus on something for more than a few seconds before i break away and start ticcing. i mention this because my friend loves to bombard me with videos on the bus ride home, and today was no exception. it was so frustrating because she clearly saw me having a bout of motor tics, and still tried to get me to watch the videos on her phone. i tried to watch the videos so she would stop, but my head would snap away and she would start tapping on my shoulder in an attempt to get me to keep watching.

in all honesty, i really think i need new friends. this friend is my best friend, but she is... not very nice to me sometimes. when i got stuck in that muddy puddle a while ago, i was very clearly freaking out. i was shouting and calling for her, but all she did was laugh and take photos and she didnt try to help me get unstuck. she is the friend who abandoned me on halloween, too. i know that it is probably painfully obvious that i need to find new friends, but she is basically the last person who i can consider a "friend", except for one other person who is also very close to her. i think another problem im going to have to work on is finding new friends, but i guess ill cross that bridge when i get there. ill end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 4 - 20

7:06 PM

114

hello. i cant really remember much of what happened today, but im fairly certain that it was overall a good day. since i made that last entry, ive been basically searching for situations that make me freeze up, and one decided to fall into my lap today. do you remember that classmate i mentioned a while ago, who would call me "smart" over and over again in a mocking way? for some reason i cant find the entry, but i am certain that i talked about him. well, he decided to sit next to me today. talking to him makes me freeze up so badly because i usually forget what to do, or if i actually do remember what to do, i cant seem to get my body to do what i need it to do. he said "hello" to me in a mocking tone today. in my head, i was trying to look at him straight in the eyes and say hello back, but instead i shied away, avoided eye contact, and mumbled out a grumpy "hi". in all honesty, though, im happy because im pretty sure i did better than what i usually do. this time, i almost managed to make eye contact, but my head snapped away before i could get my "hi" out. ill try again next time i suppose.

also, before i forget, it turns out that i dont have to work with my group in my history class again, so im really glad about that. also, the classmate who sat with me yesterday sat with me again today, so i think it is going to be an everyday thing. i was a bit annoyed at first, but im actually glad now because i dont feel so alone and their presence is also an incentive to work on my homework because theyre also working on their homework. most of the time i spend my lunch just doodling, but now im starting to do productive things, which im really happy about. i dont really have anything else to say, so ill end this here. goodbye.

2 - 3 - 20

6:04 PM

113

hello. ill start this off by saying that i didnt have a bad dream last night, which makes me really happy. the dream was just about me as a child, which made me feel indescribable emotions, but they were positive. also, a classmate of mine sat with me during lunch, and it didnt feel like it was out of pity, which made me super excited. basically, what im trying to say is, ive been really happy for the entire day, but this happiness has a weird twist to it. most of the time when im happy, i start feeling like im losing oxygen because im trying to stop myself from making any noises. i usually fail at this, which causes me to let out weird whimper noises. also, if the happiness is really extreme, i end up flailing my arms and having to calm myself down. this happiness is just that - happiness. no losing breath, no flailing, just feeling good. it is such an amazing emotion. i wish i could just bottle it up and store it so that i could have it whenever i am feeling upset.

ive decided to try to fix the problems in my life. in the past, i could not figure out what was specifically causing my problems, and even now i still cant, but i think if i try to fix little obvious problems, it might all add up and i might feel at least somewhat better than i felt before. for now ive decided to tackle the problem of my low self-esteem. my self-esteem has been pretty low for the longest time. i wouldnt say it has been practically nonexistant, but rather just down in the dumps. i have a feeling that my excessive kindness might be a part of it. i end up bundling "being kind" and "being a doormat" with the same twine, so to speak. i think my self-esteem has been low because i let people take advantage of me because i dont want to be "mean", but i think that at this point, kindness should be defenestrated (ive really wanted to use this word for the longest time but could never find the opportunity, so here it is) as soon as i am getting manipulated. the problem is that i tend to freeze up whenever i try to defend myself, so i think that i should work on... not freezing up. i think i can avoid this by taking a few seconds to breathe so i can regain control, however i need to wait until i freeze up so i can try it.

im really tired now because ive worked myself up thinking about how i could fix my problems, so ill just end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 2 - 20

7:05 PM

112

hello. not surprisingly, i had another bad dream last night. before i start describing it, i want to mention the fact that im suddenly getting a lot of specific numbers in my dreams that im being able to remember. the right classroom number i dreamed up, for example. also, about that dream, i forgot to mention that i actually saw my grandfather in that dream, and he told me to pick him up specifically at 4:30. i mention this because i had two specific numbers in the dream i had last night; 511 and 11. im noticing "11" in those two numbers, and the right classroom number also had 11 in it. i now suspect that im going to start seeing 11 in my dreams more because i recognized it, but oh well.

before i had the nightmare, there was a part of the dream where someone was trying to break into my school locker, and they entered the correct number, which was "511" (it isnt actually that in real life, i dont even think that would be possible for the locks we use), so thats where the 511 comes from. anyways, the dream was really spooky. for some reason i had decided to download a horror game off of the internet. or maybe it wasnt intentional, because the game started off normal but turned creepy out of nowhere. it was 3d and in first person, and i had to explore a house. the house was pretty bright and colorful, until you reached a certain point where suddenly everything would turn black-and-white and you would hear horrible breathing noises following you around everywhere. if you went back to the title screen, it would still be creepy, but there was a switch to turn it back to normal. the switch you had to press was labelled "nope", which was pretty funny. anyways, after a while i decided it was too creepy for me, and that i was going to uninstall it. as i was starting the uninstallation process, i was looking up more information about it online out of curiosity, and i read a forum post warning people to not try to uninstall it. as soon as i read that, my computer volume started raising by itself. in a desperate attempt to stop it, i held down the "volume down" button, but the volume kept trying to go up, and it eventually got stuck on "11" (which is where the number 11 came from) as it kept trying to fight me. then my laptop let out a horrible screaming noise and it stopped trying to uninstall it.

i assume at this point in the dream, my brain got tired of trying to create a new environment, so it just made the game come into reality and take place in my house, which wasnt... very fun. i guess i had decided to get used to the game since my laptop really didnt want to uninstall it. i dont really remember much after this, however i do remember something. do you remember that dream where i befriended the nonhuman creatures? well, i met two more in this dream. since it was still a game, they were enemies and i had to fight them. once i defeated one, they became benevolent and sort of befriended me. i only managed to defeat one before i woke up, and i can sort of remember what they looked like. they looked human, but they had pearly white skin and crimson eyes. i would say they were albino, however their eyes were too red to be albino, so thats why i dont think they were human. they had long white hair and they wore a weird dress. for some reason, my brain keeps telling me it was a nurse outfit, but from what i can remember it looked more like a blood-stained wedding gown. i also think they wore a red hat but im not entirely sure.

anyways, i say "sort of befriended me" because they had no interest in communicating with me at all. they just sort of floated around like a ghost and occasionally looked at me. they could also shrink down to some weird creature that looked like a cone with two antennae.i cant remember what the second creature looked like at all. i think they also looked human, but their skin had weird parts where it was a sickly green. i had decided to hide out into the bathroom with the first creature, and i remember desperately trying to hold the door so the second one couldnt come in. all the first creature did was shrink down and hide in the closet, so they did little to help me. i also remember my stomach was hurting really bad. i woke up at this point, and i think the reason why my stomach was hurting in the dream was because my stomach actually hurt in real life.

that was pretty much all for my dream, so i guess ill talk about today. today i went to a restaurant with my grandparents and the rest of my family. i was super excited because i havent been to this restaurant for a while. i really think i need to calm myself down sometimes because my family gets mad at me for not matching their mood. there was a lot of tension in the air before my grandparents showed up, and at one point my sister blatantly told me to shut up. despite that, though, i was still really excited. the food was great, but there was a little problem. there was one person in the restaurant who was talking loudly about politics to rile people up. the restaurant didnt seem very crowded, as it was just three families including mine, so it was really obvious when this one person randomly started talking loudly about politics that it was just to make people upset. no one in their family was even responding, so their intentions were pretty clear. i got really nervous because i was afraid it would cause my mother to get upset but thankfully nothing too bad happened.

i dont really have anything to say, other than im really bummed that tomorrow is monday, but oh well. ill end this entry here. goodbye.

2 - 1 - 20

7:14 PM

111

hello. since it is the weekend, i didnt really do much today and so i dont have a lot to share with you about that, but i did have another weird dream. this dream kept fluctating in what it was about, but of course i had a bad part of the dream where my cats started turning violent and my family was going to have to euthanize them, which really wasnt fun. it feels like i keep having bad dreams and it is getting really annoying. it is even more annoying when some of them seem like vague warnings from my subconscious, like the one i had last night and that other one i had where i had to get brain surgery. i wish i had dreams where my subconscious gave me advice on things to do, not things to not do. i mean, i really do appreciate the warnings, but at the same time it feels like my mental state has gotten so bad that my own brain has to sit me down and tell me that i need to stop. like i said before, i dont have much to say, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 31 - 20

7:15 PM

110

hello. i guess ill start with this so i dont forget to mention it; i ended up not talking to my teacher about what had happened. last night i had told my mother about what i was going to do and she said that i shouldnt. even though she said that i shouldnt, i still wanted to do it, but then i remembered that my teacher has to teach another class right after mine so she likely wouldnt have enough time to talk to me. i also have to work with this same group to make something else soon, so i guess ill just have to grit my teeth and bare it.

i had a really weird dream this morning. i cant remember a lot of it, and what i do remember is very bizarre, but ill try my best to explain. in this dream, i think i saw my future self. i say "i think" because this version of myself seemed... strange? their hair was overgrown and matted and they looked like a walking corpse. their hair was a dull dark gray, compared to my current black hair. they spoke in a dead tone and seemed to just be generally mean. i think i kept trying to interact with them, but they kept abandoning me. i feel like this dream is really, really obvious in what it means, but thinking about it makes my heart ache.

today felt like it was the day right before a big break because i didnt do a lot in most of my classes. also, my gym class, which i was dreading, ended up just being spent on the bleachers for the entire class. we were told to not change, and we were all expecting some big presentation or something, but all we did was just sit on the bleachers and talk quietly. from what i heard, every single gym class was like that and no one really knows why. i didnt mind it, but it would have been nice to receive a warning so i wouldnt have to lug my bag of clothes around for the rest of the day if i didnt even need it.

im incredibly exhausted in general so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 30 - 20

8:10 PM

109

hello. today was... meh, i guess? i think "meh" is the only way i can think of describing it. i woke up at around twelve this morning so i could use the bathroom. i dont have a nightstand, so instead i use my computer chair to put all of the things i need (glasses, headphones, occasionally phone, et cetera,) on it. i went to grab my glasses, however i could only feel my headphones so i put my headphones on my bed so it would be easier to grab. i must have forgotten to put my headphones back on my chair, because i went back to bed when i came back and i felt something crunch underneath me. i basically already knew what had happened. when i pulled my headphones out from underneath me, one headphone had literally popped off of the headband, so there was absolutely no redemption. i was mildly upset at the time, but since it was so early i had just put my headphones back on my chair and fell back asleep. when i woke up, i went to go grab my headphones as i usually do, and i felt the loose headphone and i remembered. in all honesty, i think i was hoping that it was just some strange dream. thankfully, my mother let me borrow her headphones for school and she bought me new ones while i was gone, but it was still a bad start to my day.

everything else was going fine, but then my history class happened. a few days ago, i mentioned a project in my history class that i had to do, but i never elaborated on what it was. it was a group project where our group members were assigned. on one hand, i enjoy having pre-assigned members so i dont have to go through the struggle of finding complete strangers to work with, but on the other hand... sometimes you get situations like the one i had to deal with today. i had to work with two other people. one person was alright i suppose, although she didnt really follow through with what she said she was going to do, while the other person was... very insufferable. the task was simple; you and your group members were assigned an event, and you all had to give some historical context to it and write three short paragraphs comparing this event to a recent event. after you all wrote those three paragraphs, you had to record you and your group members saying what you wrote. that was literally it. it sounds so easy yet it was akin to pulling teeth for my group.

im not exactly sure where to start. i fear that i sound pretentious and full of myself when i say this, but i really do think i did most of the work on this project. i created and shared the document we used. i wrote the entirety of the historical context. i had to scrap and rewrite the first paragraph because it was clunky and sounded awkward. the second paragraph was written by the first person but i had to tweak a bit of it and add a quote and a source. i also scrapped and rewrote the third paragraph, which was written by the second person, because it was copied and pasted from some other website (i copied and pasted the entire paragraph in google and i found the website) and didnt meet the requirements that we needed to fulfill. we were supposed to record ourselves today, but we didnt have enough time so my group members decided that i would be the one to record myself talking, which was a bit difficult considering how dry my mouth has been and also because my house is just super loud in general.

i know this is a prime example of me needing to learn how to stand up for myself, and i feel really bad for not doing so, so im definitely going to try to muster up the courage to talk to my teacher after class is over tomorrow and tell her what had happened. this sort of thing is basically the exact thing i fear when working in groups. everyone labels me as "the smart kid" and then they all get shocked when i know that they should be contributing too. i dont really have anything else to say, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 29 - 20

8:39 PM

108

hello. today was pretty okay, but i did start feeling really upset during the beginning of the day. it thankfully ended near my fifth class, but it was still really annoying to deal with. also, ever since i had that meltdown a few days ago, ive been incredibly thirsty all the time. i bet i could drink an entire water bottle right now and my mouth would be completely dry again within a few minutes. when it started, i thought that it would simply end after i drank some water, but it didnt. i cried on sunday and it is wednesday and i am still dehydrated. this is really frustrating but i guess ill just have to keep on drinking more water. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so goodbye.

1 - 28 - 20

8:03 PM

107

hello. today was... alright, i think? i cant really remember much of what happened today, although the memories from my history class today stick out like sore thumbs because of how painfully uncomfortable that class was. my history teacher has recently assigned us a big project that i really do not want to do. it involves going into the computer lab to work on it, and i decided to take the computer in the corner so that i dont have to deal with people on both sides of me. a certain kid sat next to me, and he seems to love to... politely harass me? it seems like an oxymoron, but i feel that if you have ever dealt with this sort of thing, you know what im talking about. everytime i interact with him, he only really talks about how smart i am, but in a... somewhat mocking tone? it is incredibly difficult to explain in words, but i think the sentence that im looking for is that i think he is trying to use me. another boy who used to mock me last year by calling me his "best friend" over and over again is now taking every opportunity to praise me and it is a bit uncomfortable.

ever since i was overweight when i was younger, i automatically assumed that people would not like me because of my weight, and so i analyzed sentence after sentence, looking for any possible ill-intention crammed into them. because of this, my mind usually writes off genuine compliments as being made out of pity or out of sarcasm, and ive been desperately trying to change this habit. people like this really anger me because it makes me second-guess myself. i can obviously tell that they have bad intentions, but since im aware that im actively looking for bad intentions, some weird part of my brain wonders if im just overthinking about everything and these compliments are sincere. do sincere people hold back laughter when saying compliments? do sincere people exchange humored glances at their friends when saying nice things to people?

anyways, i dont have anything else to say today because i cant really remember much of anything else that happened, so ill just end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 27 - 20

8:15 PM

106

hello. it was really hard for me to fall asleep last night because my head was still hurting from that huge mess. when morning came i ended up having to get up earlier than i usually do because of a stomach ache, so that wasnt very fun. with that start to my day, i had pretty much already resigned myself to whatever atrocities today would bring, but today was actually alright. i was worried about my health class from the moment i woke up to the moment i stepped into the classroom, and i think a lot of the worrying was at least somewhat caused by my dream. walking to the classroom gave me this weird sense of deja vu because it felt so similar to when i walking through the hallways in my dream. also, something really odd happened. i mentioned that in the dream, i remember i had to go to a specific classroom, which was two numbers away from the classroom i had to go to in real life. when i arrived to the actual classroom i was supposed to go to today, the teacher in it said that there must have been a mistake because the classroom i actually needed to go to was right next-door. i followed her out of the classroom and i turned to look at the classroom im supposed to be in, and it is the classroom number that i needed to visit in my dream. i double-checked my schedule just in case i had made a mistake when i checked it after i woke up from my dream, and it turns out that my school had simply given me the wrong classroom, which is very weird. obviously one little mistake isnt that big of a deal, but im really curious as to how i somehow managed to dream up the correct classroom number when my schedule had the wrong one. oh well.

the teacher is... alright, i suppose. he could have been worse, but he just seemed a bit underwhelming, considering that i had a pretty much prophetic dream about the classroom number. i have an awful sensation that he will get on my nerves. he mentioned near the end of the class that he takes off points for lateness on weekends, which is such a mindblowingly irrational concept. does he expect us to drive to his house and personally deliver the work? also, when i read over the syllabus more closely when i got home, i noticed that it mentions that we can look at missed work on his website, but there is no link to any website on the paper. i suppose ill just have to ask him when i show up to his class tomorrow.

i dont really have anything else to say for today. goodbye.

1 - 26 - 20

7:20 PM

105

hello. today was disgustingly awful. i just got out of the shower, during which i was having a bad meltdown. it was one of those meltdowns where you latch onto a specific phrase and repeat it over and over until it makes you cry even harder. for this one, it was "you will die hungry, either physically or mentally. pick your poison.". i had one of my occasional epiphanies that i do nothing about, and today it was the realization that ive been obedient my whole life because im so afraid that i will be unemployed and without food. who wants to hire a troublemaker? the problem with this is that i feel so mentally starved, thus the whole "physically or mentally" part.

im not sure if ive mentioned this before, but i tend to laugh and cackle when im in serious pain. i really hate it because everyone thinks that its not a big deal when in actuality it feels absolutely horrible. one time my mother had to put bengay on the back of my neck because it hurt from constant ticcing, and after a few seconds i just started roaring with laughter because it felt like it was burning my skin off. when my left hip was hurting, i was rolling around and cackling. my sister actually thought it wasnt that bad because i was laughing. this same sort of thing happens when im upset. if im on the verge of breaking, i just start laughing. i remember a while ago, i was having a bad day and i ended up spilling rice on the floor, and my mother watched as i just stood there and violently giggled. i mention this because i was doing this during the breakdown today. it started off with anger, which melted into fits of laughter, and then ended with violent crying mixed with laughter. i kept switching between feeling like my world was collapsing on itself and actually mocking myself for feeling this way, which was a very weird experience. one second my eyes would be opened wide, staring at the ceiling and gasping for air, and the next i would have my fists next to my face, shaking them in a mock-crying gesture and laughing.

i think this whole thing might have been started because i didnt even get enough sleep last night. i stayed awake until two in the morning before passing out. i actually felt so happy last night and this morning, but then all of a sudden i hit a gigantic brick wall emotion-wise. im just a bit worried for tomorrow because i have to go back to school, but i guess ill cross that bridge when i get there. i dont really have anything else to say, and im pretty tired from obvious reasons, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 25 - 20

6:43 PM

104

hello. i seriously had another bad dream last night. this is getting ridiculous now. i feel like i can remember a bit too much of what happened in this dream, especially considering there were a lot of very specific things that happened. i wont go into complete detail because a lot of it didnt make a lot of sense.

the dream started in my italian classroom. the period had ended and i actually remembered that i have to start going to my health class instead of my music class now, but i didnt remember which room i had to go to. for some reason, i couldnt get my schedule out of my bag, so the teacher printed out my schedule for me. i remember the exact classroom i had to go to, and i dont know the actual classroom i have to go to in reality, so i checked it when i woke up, and the number in my dream was only two numbers off, which is a bit eerie. anyways, i started making my way down to where the classroom was, and i actually became somewhat lucid. i think i became lucid because i had this weird sluggish feeling that i get most of the time im in my school in my dreams, and i guess my brain picked up on it. the lucidity didnt last very long because i started to try to control the dream a bit too much, to the point where the dream started fading to white and stayed like that until i lost my lucidity. the dream starts to not make a lot of sense at this point. i met a bunch of nonhuman creatures and one of them started to try to kill us. this is a really weird part of the dream because i can barely remember what any of the creatures looked like. i remembered the color of the one who tried to kill us, which was green, and i think i might remember one specific creature that i befriended before they died. i remember they wore this orange quilt-like cloak with flowers on it, and some part of my brain is telling me that they had navy blue fur all over them but i cant be certain. near the end of the dream, i faked my death and had to hide. another thing im not certain about is that the ghost of the creature that i had befriended might have communicated with me, but im not sure. it was a really weird dream but absolutely terrifying at the time.

anyways, today was... okay, i suppose? it started off fine but i felt my mood start to go down as the day went on. i ended up getting so frustrated during the afternoon that i felt like i was going to burst, but thankfully ive calmed down now. for dinner, my mother decided to buy chinese food, which has pork in it. we were all quick to point that out to her and she just said 'i dont really care anymore'. she ended up blessing the food before we ate it, so she probably still does care. to be honest, i was just happy to eat pork again. i dont really have anything else to say for today, so goodbye.

1 - 24 - 20

6:56 PM

103

hello. i had my last test today and, just like yesterday, i had a bad dream last night. i think i would consider this one a nightmare because i woke up feeling a bit panicked, even though it was silly. i say that it was silly because the dream was basically just a bunch of rats chasing me and trying to fling themselves onto me. thats it. im not even particularly afraid of rats, but i still woke up feeling really nervous. despite that start to my day, today was fine. the test i had today was pretty hard, but im confident that i did well. im just glad that i dont have any more tests to take. i dont really have anything else to say today, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

1- 23 - 20

8:18 PM

102

hello. today was alright. i had to take two tests today, and of course i had to have a bad dream last night about these tests. during the dream, everything on the tests were confusing and there were so many distractions around me. i wouldnt call it a nightmare, but i didnt exactly appreciate it. my mother couldnt drive me to school today, so i had to take the regular bus to school and sit in the gym for an hour. i thought waiting in the gym for a few minutes on tuesday was bad, but this was completely awful. there was so much noise and sitting on the bleachers for a while started to hurt. the actual tests themselves werent that bad, thankfully, but i absolutely despised having to wait for that long in a crowd. when i got home, i laid in bed for a while and i ended up slipping in and out of consciousness until i had dinner. i dont really have much to say other than that since i didnt do much today, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 22 - 20

8:03 PM

101

hello. like yesterday, today was pretty boring, but i did start my day off with an interesting dream. the majority of the dream was fine, but one part was pretty awful. not a lot of the dream made sense, but basically my gym teacher was overworking me and the rest of my gym class to the point of passing out from exhaustion. i dont think ive ever thrown up in a dream, but i threw up during this dream because i was incredibly exhausted. if we even stopped for a second, he would yell and threaten us. after a while of this, i eventually snapped. i started shouting at him, and everyone in the gym stopped what they were doing and stared. after i was done, i turned to leave, and the entire class just followed me out, and that was pretty much the only part of my dream that was bad. it is really weird because it seems like such an anti-climatic way to end that part of the dream. i think that my brain wasnt expecting me to start yelling, but im not sure.

anyways, like i said in the beginning, today was boring. i didnt have any tests today, so i sort of just relaxed for today. my mother had bought new shoes after my old ones had to be thrown out, and the new ones came in today. i feel like i might have mentioned this in the past, however when i look for keywords in my old entries nothing comes up, so ill just say it now; i never knew how to tie my shoes until today. i dont think my mother ever bothered to teach me how to do it when i was younger, and instead opted to buy laces that didnt need to be tied. it was really embarrassing because im the supposed "smart kid" and i didnt even know a skill that everyone learns when theyre young. when my sister and my mother tried to teach me a year or so ago, my sister got downright furious at me because i couldnt do it correctly. i was really upset when she did that so i just let my mother continue to buy the special laces because i didnt think i would ever be able to do it right. when my new shoes came in today, i decided to try to force myself to sit down and actually do it properly with the help of only my mother this time, and i actually managed to tie my shoes for the first time. this was actually on my list of things i want to do, so im glad i could finally cross at least something off of that list.

i dont really have anything else to say, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 21 - 20

8:25 PM

100

hello. ill probably make this entry short because not a lot happened today, and also because my eyes kind of hurt after staring at my laptop all day. i had my first test today. as i was expecting, the wait was absolute chaos. my school makes everyone wait inside the gymnasium, which sounds great on paper, but when put into action... things start to go a bit haywire. my school expects everyone to wait neatly inside the gymnasium until the announcement to leave is made, but in actuality, everyone crowds near the exits in an attempt to get out first. this usually leads to a lot of pushing, shoving, and just general discomfort. after that was over, though, today went smoothly. the test was quick and simple and i left after my time was up. i saw my music teacher on my way out, and he asked me if i was going to stay after to work on my project. i just shook my head "no" and left the building. after i got home, i just spent most of my day on my laptop out of boredom. i dont really have anything else to say. goodbye.

1 - 20 - 20

8:12 PM

99

hello. today was somehow a mixture of both an emotional rollercoaster and the most boring day to have ever happened. a while after i woke up, i started feeling this weird feeling. it felt really amazing, but it also felt a bit... sad? this entire thing started forming a week or so ago, when i was using a glass and i thought about how interesting the concept of cups are. i mean, most animals drink straight out of bodies of water, and one day some person decided to just... use some shell to hold the water? it started with the thought of cups, but then thoughts about other inventions came up, like toys and graves. the thought of someone making a toy for the first time warms my heart, while the thought of someone inventing graves fills me with a weird sense of melancholy. can you imagine being an alien, landing on earth, and seeing hundreds of stones and flowers dedicated to people who dont exist anymore? i started getting all of these thoughts this morning and i just felt like a confusing animal who cant even understand itself. im sorry if all of this sounds weird or clunky. i really dont know how to describe this feeling even though ive been experiencing it for almost the entire day. i think i will just end this entry here because im getting myself all worked up. goodbye.

1 - 19 - 20

6:43 PM

98

hello. today was really boring during the beginning half of the day, but it got more interesting near the end. im not really sure what caused it, but i started thinking about a game i played when i was younger. i didnt really remember much, just some blurry images in my mind and a vague sense of what was going on. i knew it was set on an island and i played as a bunny, so i looked up something along the lines of "bunny island", and i found it. the name of the game is "bunni: how we first met". unfortunately, it is unsupported so i cant play it, but im glad to know that i didnt just dream it up, because i remember feeling so happy while i was playing it. after i finally found this games name, i started thinking about other games i played when i was younger, but i keep thinking about one game in particular.

this game was called superpoke pets. i keep thinking about this game because i just realized that it was a very big part of my childhood. this game basically revolved around you taking care of a virtual pet. i have a very specific memory near christmas time, where my father and my sister were trying to get me to look outside because someone dressed as santa claus was driving around our neighborhood on a firetruck, and i remember not wanting to get up because i wanted to keep playing this game. it shut down years ago unfortunately, and i remember that i was incredibly sad when it did. i dont remember ever spending real money on the game, but i remember that i had a bunch of items from leveling up because i played the game so much. i forgot a lot about this game, so when i remembered it and looked it up, i almost got chills looking at the images because of how important it was to me.

im getting all nostalgic now, so ill just end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 18 - 20

7:54 PM

97

hello. to be honest, i cant really remember most of what i did today. i think i just stayed in bed and occasionally got up to do things. i keep feeling like im about to get a headache, but it never comes. i guess i would say thats about it for today. on another note, im a bit worried that im not worried for my midterm tests. i feel like i should be at least a little nervous, but i feel like i couldnt care less. anyways, like i said before, i cant really remember a lot of what i did today, so ill just end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 17 - 20

6:15 PM

96

hello. today was actually pretty alright, at least compared to yesterday. i had two bad dreams last night, but they were both very tame. i find my first bad dream to be very interesting though, because it seems like i was somewhat aware that i was in a dream, but i wasnt lucid. i remember that last night it was really hard to fall asleep, but i noticed that my thoughts were starting to slip into weird thoughts that made no sense. whenever i tried to think of something specific, the thought would escape me and be replaced by some weird nonsensical thought. i interpreted this as me falling asleep, and i was curious to see if i could use this awareness to slip into a lucid dream without having to wait. i would say it almost worked, because i had this weird awareness of being inside a dream, but i didnt really do anything with it.

anyways, my first bad dream was a typical "hide from the murderer" dream, but it wasnt as frightening as you would think. to be honest, it was quite entertaining despite being scary in the beginning. the whole plot of the dream was that there was a murderer on an airplane along with me and some other people, and i had to try to not get killed. i mention that it was entertaining because the murderer never even showed up during this. i think i realized this after a few minutes, so i just wandered around. after a while of just wandering about, the airplane finally landed and i got out. of course, the murderer showed up after this happened, but with a very odd weapon of choice; one of those tranquilizer dart guns. it didnt kill me, thankfully, but it paralyzed me so i fell over onto the ground. thats all i can remember about this dream.

my second bad dream was somewhat worse. in this dream, everyone was mad at me. in most dreams like this, people are mad at me because of something i knew i did. in this dream, however, i had no idea what i did wrong. people were shouting at me, attacking me, and recording me, and i had no idea what was going on. in hindsight, i think that i was just being really talkative and annoying in the dream, but it was a complete overreaction. i was standing outside of my school and a huge crowd was harassing me, and i really didnt know what to do. i kept making it worse because i kept trying to just joke and shrug it off, but the people got angrier. i remember that i was waiting for my mother to come pick me up and she hadnt responded, so i was just nervously walking around as people were being mean and shouting at me. once my mother arrived in her car, i opened the car door and threw myself in so i could avoid the people. she was really confused at the crowd, and i was basically freaking out because i must have done something horrible in order to warrant this reaction. she reassured me that im not a horrible person, and drove me home, and thats pretty much all i can remember.

anyways, like i said, in the beginning, today was alright. i have to take my midterm tests soon, but that means i dont have to have a full day of school for a while, so im good with that. i had my last music class today and i was so glad to walk out of there. i dont think im going to miss that class. the gap in my schedule is going to be replaced with a health class, which im pretty excited for, as it isnt across the building from my previous class like my music class was. i just really, really hope that i like this class.

im really tired right now and i cant think of anything else to say, so i think ill end this entry here and lie down. goodbye.

1 - 16 - 20

9:02 PM

95

hello. i guess i should be blunt; today was absolutely awful. it has been quite some time since ive had a day as terrible as this. i guess i should start from the beginning. last night my sister had told me of a way to make oatmeal using a coffee maker, so i tried that this morning. ive never made oatmeal before, so i didnt know how much water i should pour into my bowl. i sort of zoned out while i was pouring the water, so i ended up pouring way too much and i ended up just eating basically hot water and soggy oats in a bowl. despite that start to my day, it was going well until right before my first class began. out of nowhere, an acquaintance of mine, who i rarely speak to, ran up to me with her head down. i was a bit confused, as i thought she wanted a hug, but then she looked up at me and her face was red and tears were streaming down her cheeks. i didnt really know what to do, because i didnt have any tissues on me and it was really early in the morning so i was just a bit dazed in general. i hugged her and asked her what was wrong, but i couldnt really make out what she said because the hallway was really loud and she was mumbling her words. i also didnt really want to ask her to repeat herself because she was crying. i ended up just standing there for a few minutes, blocking anyone from seeing her cry, before she texted someone on her phone and left without saying anything. i feel really bad that i couldnt really do anything. im pretty bad at consoling people in general, but to be caught off guard like that really makes me feel like im awkward.

after that, today was... alright, i guess. i had an italian test and a history test today, and it turns out i forgot to grab the ditto for my math homework yesterday. i realized this when i came home yesterday, but i didnt know if that ditto was homework, so i had already prepared myself for the aftermath. during my final class, i started to notice that i was feeling a bit nauseous. thinking back on it now, i think it was because the only fluids i had consumed so far were a bowl of hot water at a little past five in the morning and a small chocolate milk carton during my lunch, but i actually still feel a bit nauseous right now, so im not sure. i was trying to do an assignment, and i realized that i couldnt even get myself to read a sentence, so i just gave up and decided i would do it for homework.

now, if today was just a regular day, it would be a mildly annoying but bearable day, but today was different. i had a photography club meeting today, and i thought that the meeting would make my day better. we ended up going outside to take photos, and i wanted to follow my friend up a hill. when i started going up the hill, i realized that it was probably a bad idea and that i should go back down, but i think i realized this a bit too late. i stopped in my tracks and started to try to back up very slowly with very tiny steps. that is when i slipped and fell, smearing mud all over my shirt and pants, marking my second fall outside during a photography club meeting. i laughed it off, because although it was awful, it was bearable. i decided to head back into the school after that fall, and not even a minute or so later, i ended up stepping in an incredibly muddy puddle. it would have been fine if this puddle wasnt a foot deep, so my entire shoe was inside the puddle. i tried to pull my shoe out, but it was stuck. i was freaking out, and the photography club teacher told me to take my foot out of my shoe so he could pull it out, so i did. when i pulled my foot out, my entire sock was brown. the teacher had to basically yank on my shoe really hard to get it out of the puddle, and when he did, i saw that the shoe was basically filled to the brim with muddy water. he had to dump it out and basically hand it back to me for me to wear. when i put my foot back in it, it made the most disgusting *squish* noise and it felt awful on my feet. i had some time left in the meeting, but i immediately went back to my mother, who was waiting for me in her car, so i could go back home.

my shoes and my socks had to be thrown out. also, just if you were curious, it was my right foot that got trapped in the puddle. i realized this in the shower i took immediately after coming home, and i noted the irony. i took a shower immediately even though i was nauseous. i was struggling really hard to not cry in the shower, because of my deydration and also because im recovering from a cold and that would just make it worse, but i ended up crying. i did find a really useful position where i can lean against the wall to cry and also wash my hair at the same time though. in the past, before i was on medication for my anxiety, my anxiety would get so bad that i would try to rock back and forth in some weird attempt to get myself to calm down. i tried doing that this time and it somewhat worked, but at this point my nose was really stuffed and i felt even more nauseous. i almost fell forwards out of the shower when i came out, but i managed to grab onto the edge of the bathtub to keep myself from basically faceplanting onto the tile.

did you really think that my troubles would end after this? absolutely not. it was fine for a few hours, until my sister and my mother got into a very loud argument that ended with my sister turning off the wi-fi for the house. my mother told my sister to never talk to her again, and since then it has been very... uncomfortable in our house. i didnt leave my room until an hour after the fight because i didnt want to try to be recruited into someones side of the argument. if i agree with my mother, my sister thinks we are teaming up against her. if i agree with my sister, my mother thinks we are teaming up against her.

i could go on with how bad my day was, but im starting to feel sick just staring at my laptop screen, so maybe i should just turn off my laptop and work on my homework. ill end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 15 - 20

7:43 PM

94

hello. today is the third month anniversary of this website. like the last two times, i dont really have anything to say about it. anyways, i actually was a bit afraid for today. when i woke up to my alarm this morning, i leaned over so i could get my phone out from under my pillow. i guess i leaned too far because i ended up falling off of my bed. thankfully my backpack was there to at least somewhat break my fall, but it wasnt exactly the best start for today. despite that, though, today was actually pretty okay. i took my math test that i missed yesterday and i got a ninety-one. i had a history test today, but im going to take it tomorrow because i was absent for two days while my class was reviewing. im not really sick anymore, thankfully, but my nose is still stuffed and my ears kept popping earlier. my throat is completely fine, which is really good because i really hate sore throats. i dont think i have anything else to say, so ill just end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 14 - 20

7:14 PM

93

hello. since i am still sick, i stayed home today. i feel really terrible about it. i feel like i was being overdramatic and that i probably could have just gone to school today, but i didnt want to risk infecting anyone else because sickness spreads really quickly throughout my school. today i just laid down in my bed and just tried to relax. i remember that i fell asleep, and while i dont remember when, i do remember that i woke up at almost one. i had fallen asleep with my headphones on, and this usually ends with me waking up with an ear that hurts because i sleep on my side and the headphone gets pushed into my ear. this time around, however, i think that i managed to fit the headphone into the nook of my arm while i was sleeping, so i managed to wake up with no pain, thankfully.

i dont think i have anything else to say, to be honest. im just a bit worried about the work im going to have tomorrow, but oh well. goodbye.

1 - 13 - 20

7:56 PM

92

hello. im a bit embarrassed to admit this, but i stayed home today. again. i mean, i suppose i have a good reason this time, but still. i was seemingly back on track from my last absence, but then of course i have to get sick. i did my homework last night, my teachers never update their websites with the work, and i dont know anyone from my classes, so ive just been... sitting around, i guess? my mother took me to the doctor, even though i really didnt want to go because i knew they probably couldnt do anything, and of course, they tell us that it is probably just post nasal drip and there isnt really much we can do. i felt useless with all this sitting around, so i tried to do some things. i learned a new drawing technique today, which made me happy. also, yesterday i started trying to learn japanese on duolingo. i remember mentioning a while ago that i tried to learn japanese twice, before deleting the app because i was too frustrated that i cant learn everything in a few hours, which is... obviously impossible. now im just trying to practice it on my phone casually instead of feeling like i need to time myself, so thats good. i had daydreams about my future that... actually werent too taunting. i usually have daydreams about my future self being... unattainably perfect, like having a different face structure and body type, different eye color, being a celebrity, et cetera. today i just daydreamed about living in a quiet town as a florist, and maybe owning some fish and some cats. i dont really have anything else to say today, so goodbye.

1 - 12 - 20

7:41 PM

91

hello. in my last entry i mentioned that my throat was sore, and it turns out that im sick. it isnt too bad, but my ears hurt whenever i drink water, eat, brush my teeth, or clean them. my nose is runny and my throat hurts as well. because of this, i thought i would just spend the day in bed, which i was doing at first. then, out of the blue, i got motivated to exercise and whatnot. i got up and just started pacing around in circles in my basement as i usually do, but then i looked down at the floor and thought about doing push-ups like ive wanted to. i stood there for a good minute or so, just contemplating. you know how i occasionally mention how i feel like im not really in control of my body? i feel like i sort of... came into control for a second. again, obviously im the one in control, but it never really feels like it. it always feels like im following some sort of script. when i stopped to look at the floor and think, it felt like i broke the script and my body was trying to get me to keep walking. i managed to get myself to kneel, which i did for another minute, before i finally got to at least do a few push-ups. the floor was cold and dirty, and it hurt my hands, but i did a few push-ups. i eventually had to stop because my hands were hurting really badly, but at least i did some push-ups today, even if the number of push-ups i did could probably be counted on one hand.

later, during dinner, i had a very similar experience of feeling like i wasnt following the script. my mother had made some vegetables, and while i usually just pass, i asked her for some. i ate all of the vegetables i received, even though the taste made me feel like i was going to be sick. my mother had added olives, and olives taste like a weird mixture of perfume and blood to me, but i just kept eating because i am so frustrated with how bad my eating habits are. as beautiful as the ability to taste is, sometimes i wish it didnt exist so i could eat healthy things without feeling upset.

anyways, it is getting really late and i need to finish my homework, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 11 - 20

6:58 PM

90

hello. im not sure if i should describe today as being busy or peaceful. i did some things today, but i didnt have any say in doing most of them. i had to go to see my psychiatrist today, who i really didnt want to see, all so she could say, "oh, lets just leave you alone and see how you do.". next, i got dragged along to a mall so my father could pick out a coat. he said he was only going to take fifteen minutes, and if the store didnt have anything he liked we would just leave, but of course it turned into a whole fiasco where we had to walk all around the mall, only for him to walk out with no coat. my stomach was hurting and my throat was and still is very sore, but i didnt want to make a whole scene so i just nodded and kept following him. in one of the stores, i was standing very close to some mannequins and i realized that it felt... really uncomfortable. you know how you can basically tell when someone is standing next to you, even if you dont see them? i felt that with the mannequins, and it felt like they were actual people. im not scared of mannequins or anything, but it was really creepy because it felt like i was standing next to a group of real people.

my sisters friend came over today, too. it was kind of annoying because, after walking around the mall, i just wanted to lounge in my room with my pajamas on, but since there was company i couldnt just sit around in my pajamas. there isnt really anything remarkable about that, i just thought i should mention it. other than that, today was kind of... boring. i practiced writing with my left hand earlier today, but thats about it for "things i did". right now im just sitting in my room, and im getting a really weird and specific urge. it is pitch black outside, and my brain really wants me to go into my basement, sit on the dirty floor with no lights on, and a play a really specific album that makes me feel scared and sad. well, i guess i wouldnt say it makes me feel completely sad. the album is "an empty bliss beyond this world" by the caretaker. i actually was looking for this album for a few years after i heard it playing on a vaguely unsettling tumblr blog i was scrolling through a while ago, and i finally found it a few days ago. i would say it doesnt make me feel completely sad, because it also makes me feel... weird, but in a... somewhat good way? i cant stop listening to it even though it makes me feel nervous. in all honesty, i think the only thing keeping me from doing this is the fact that if my parents found me, i would have literally no way to explain myself. i would probably be taken to the psychiatrist again, considering that they would just find me sitting on the dirty floor in our dark basement, doing absolutely nothing. the urge isnt too strong, thankfully, but the idea of doing that seems really appealing, even though it would probably be frightening and uncomfortable.

anyways, im really tired now, so ill stop typing. goodbye.

1 - 10 - 20

6:37 PM

89

hello. i had a somewhat uncomfortable and distressing dream last night. i wouldnt consider it a nightmare because i didnt feel too scared after i woke up, but it was still upsetting. i had a dream that i had tumors on my brain and i had to go get brain surgery to remove them the next day. in the dream, i was told that i might not remember anything from before the surgery, and my current personality might disappear. this dream, despite being upsetting, is also really interesting because of the breakdown i had a few days ago where i felt like i didnt know who i am personality wise. for the longest time, ive wanted to just restart my life and completely erase any and all traces of my previous personality. ive never succeeded in doing this, but i always foolishly thought that this kind of thing would completely fix most of my flaws. in this dream, i felt incredibly conflicted. at first i thought that if i didnt remember anything, then i would have a chance to at least somewhat start my life over and rid myself of memories that i dont want to see anymore, so i felt happy. after a while though, i realized that ive built up too much just for it to all come crashing down. sure, i have flaws now, but erasing my memories and personality isnt really going to do anything, considering that i will just develop different flaws, some of which might even be worse than the ones i have now. in the end, i woke up before i got to go through the surgery. i know that, like ive stated before in the past, the majority of dreams are just complete gobbledygook and dont really mean anything most of the time, but i like to think that this dream was my brain trying to show me how silly ive been in trying to erase everything.

anyways, today was actually really good. today is friday, too, so ive been extra excited. today i decided to start trying to learn how to write with my left hand since im right-handed. im always bored in the middle of my classes, and i usually just doodle and draw to stop my bordeom, but i thought that it would be really useful to use this time to practice writing and drawing with my left hand, since ive always wanted to try to learn how to do this. as of right now, my writing is very slow and my letters look a bit scrawled, but i have gotten to the point where holding the pencil in my left hand isnt as uncomfortable as it used to feel. i am running into a problem where i tend to scrunch up my fingers in a desperate attempt to write neatly, though, but it isnt really that bad. im really curious to see what my handwriting turns out to be, though, because ive heard that people who can write with both hands tend to have very different handwriting styles. i dont really have anything else to say, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 9 - 20

7:24 PM

88

hello. in all honesty, this morning was one of the best mornings ive had. i mean, it isnt like i keep track of how well my mornings go, considering that i dont see any reason to because i dont have much time, but it was at least better than what i thought was going to happen. i was expecting to feel drained and exhausted, but i felt fine. i actually stayed up a bit later than i usually do. i usually go to sleep at around nine, but i went to bed at around eleven last night. my brain was excited and i was nervous that i would stay up for too long and feel even worse in the morning, but the opposite happened. i think i go to bed too early, and that is why i wake up at around three to four in the morning and have to lay there until my alarm goes off. i think having too much time to think about getting up is bad for me.

anyways, today was really good. as i suspected, i didnt miss too much work. i actually felt a weird emotion today, too. during my music class, i had to use the bathroom, so my teacher signed a pass and i left the classroom. as i made my way to the nearest bathroom, everything felt... peaceful? im sorry, i really dont know how to describe it. do you remember that dream i mentioned, where everything was going wrong and i was pretending that everything was fine? during that dream, i was late to almost every single class, so i got to wander around mostly empty hallways for a portion of that dream. walking around the building today reminded me of this dream. i dont know why, but i always want to just... wander around the school while everyone is in their classrooms. i would never actually do it without a good reason, like having to use the bathroom or getting something for a teacher, but the idea feels so appealing to me and i dont know why. i wouldnt even do anything spectacular, i would just walk around and look at things.

to be honest, i didnt really do anything else remarkable today. i think ill just end this entry here because i dont think theres any other things i should mention. goodbye.

1 - 8 - 20

8:30 PM

87

hello. i was immediately dreading today when i woke up this morning. like most times this happens, i had thoughts that i should just be absent so i wont have to do anything. im normally able to fight these thoughts, but today i caved in and stayed home. it was really weird today because, unlike most other times where i hesitate in asking to stay home, i was very fluid and i didnt think much about my actions. the thoughts came to me while i was in the kitchen to eat breakfast, and instead of thinking about it, i almost automatically turned to my mother and asked to stay home. ive only been absent once so far, so she let me stay home. of course, since the day is now over, i think that was a bad decision but i guess there couldve been worse times to be absent. i dont think there was much planned today, and my math teacher was going to be absent today, so he had already given us the homework due tomorrow. my math class is the majority of my homework, so at least i know i dont have work for that class. still, im a bit nervous for tomorrow. it isnt really about the work, but more about getting up tomorrow. post-absence mornings feel like absolute nightmares because all i want to do during them is curl into the fetal position and never have the thought of leaving my bed cross my mind ever again. ill probably just try to brute-force my way through tomorrow morning. anyways, i guess ill just end this entry here because it is getting late and i dont really have anything else to say. goodbye.

1 - 7 - 20

9:00 PM

86

hello. im feeling much better after having some time to calm down, thankfully. today was actually really good. that concert i mentioned was called off, and that english essay from november finally came in. i got an 88, which is really great, considering i would have had a 98 if it wasnt a day late, but oh well. i also talked to my english teacher about my failing average yesterday, and it turns out that he just... didnt tell me about a quiz i needed to take while i was absent. i took the quiz and it boosted my average up by about fourty points. i think it is concerning that missing a single quiz dropped me from a normal ninety average to below passing, but for right now im just glad that i got all of that cleared up. thats about it for today, so i think im going to talk about what happened last night.

to be honest, in some weird way, im kind of glad that i had that breakdown last night. i mean, obviously it gave me a headache and my face felt all gross afterwards, but i think it might have opened my eyes a bit. ive reached that same conclusion of "i dont know who i am" over and over again in the past, however i always seemed to totally disregard it and then move on to try to change myself to match everyone else around me yet again. i think having a huge freakout over it caused me to melt back into reality. i cant even remember the last time i cried so hard that i had to cover my mouth with my hand so i wouldnt make a sound. i think that in order to answer the question of "who am i?", i have to stop trying to force myself into boxes when i clearly dont fit into them. i tend to bounce from personality to personality, trying to find one that fits. the problem is, none of them are ever going to fit, because theyre all one-dimensional and people are complex. i think id do so much better if i would simply just relax and act how i want to act. i need to practice this, though, because i tend to freeze up and shut down whenever even the lightest amount of pressure is put on me. ive been trying to, at the very least, pay attention to my surroundings and remind myself that i am in control of my body, but im still suffering from the same problem where it feels like im not in control at all. it is getting late and i have to do my homework, so maybe i will talk about this more tomorrow if im feeling fine then. goodbye.

1 - 6 - 20

7:36 PM

85

hello. in terms of school, today was fine, but in terms of right now... not so much. i began overthinking and now i feel like im going to explode. i really want to restart everything in my life. i feel like everything negative about me is what defines me. the problem is, i dont know who i am. i feel like a lot of people know who they are and what their traits are, but me? i feel like all i do is just change myself to fit the people around me. most of the time, i just feel like a consciousness trapped in a robot. it feels like my body is just moving and im just watching it. i hate this feeling because i get a sense that i need to do something drastic and foolish so i can prove that im actually the one in control. all i want to do is just have a few days so i can just think about who i am. the problem is, i have no time for that. time goes on, even when i dont want it to. i also wish i could just stop crying whenever something like this happens. im crying right now. my head hurts and i had to cover my mouth so i wouldnt let out any gross sobs and alert my mother or sister. im actually wearing goofy heart-shaped sunglasses to cover my eyes, in case someone actually does come in. should i just give in to my impulses? do push-ups on my dirty basement floor? buy a bike and purposefully get lost? eat healthy foods that taste horrible to me? last night i had a dream that everything that could go wrong in school went wrong, and i remember that i just... didnt do anything about it. my clothes were all dirty, i was wearing slippers, and everyone was staring at me, but i just kept walking and i pretended that nothing was wrong, even though it felt like everything was practically collapsing on itself. i know a lot of dreams are just visual gibberish, but ive heard that dreams can be very helpful in determining what is wrong. for now, i should probably just calm down and do my homework. maybe later i will try to think about this. goodbye.

1 - 5 - 20

7:27 PM

84

hello. as you probably know, today was the last day of my break, unfortunately. this morning, when i woke up, i lifted my head up to check if my phone had charged. it did, so i went to go put my head back on my pillow. the problem was, i completely missed the pillow, and instead basically smashed my head against my headboard, which i think might be metal. i hit my, drumroll please, left eyebrow. it hurt really bad but since it was really early in the morning, i had to just lay there and wait for the pain to go away. the pain is gone now, but the bone hurts if i touch my eyebrow, so that is nice. anyways, thats how i knew that today would be bad. in a way, i guess it was. i mean, im fine now, apart from the fact that i have school tomorrow, but i was pretty much moping for the entire afternoon. it was partially because of school, and partially because of a new ban that my mother created.

i feel like i havent mentioned this in a past entry before, so i will talk about it now. my mother tends to ban certain things from our house that she deems bad. i know i have mentioned that she has tried to ban halloween from our house, but she also has some other bans. i dont have a full list, but some notable things that she has banned are things mentioning magic, dragons, masks (might tie into halloween, but oh well), and santa. i mention all of this because recently she banned another thing: any and all products made from pigs. i have heard of people not eating pork for religious reasons, and that is totally fine, but this ban doesnt seem to be something similar. she claims that pigs have recently contracted ebola, and if we eat anything containing products made from pigs we will contract it. the rest of my family have been basically begging her to tell us where she heard this from, but she refuses to tell us. all she said was "i saw it online.". anyways, ive been moping because that means some of my favorite foods have been banned, like hay and straw (a dish that is basically just pasta and ham), salami, breakfast sausages, stuffed meatloaf (she stuffed it with salami), and many others. of course, i know life isnt just about food, but this sort of thing makes me really afraid of my mother. it feels like she will start banning things at any given moment. i remember a while ago, she said that my motor tics started up near when i started collecting furbys, and that we should take my furbys out of my room to see if my motor tics go away. i obviously refused, and i started crying after she left because i was so afraid that she would start taking away my furbys. because of the ban, i kept ruminating and feeling sadder and sadder throughout the afternoon. do you remember that emotion i described a while ago, where i feel like my chest is empty and im running out of air? i felt a more bearable version of that today.

since i didnt want to spend my last day of break moping, i decided to open my notebook and start doodling, and ive felt okay since then. im still really upset about the ban, but maybe she will change her mind soon. im getting tired, so ill stop typing now. goodbye.

1 - 4 - 20

6:43 PM

83

hello. should i even have to say that i didnt do anything today? well, i guess i did do something today, but i think i should start off with the fact that i had a bad dream last night, since that happened first. in order for me to explain this bad dream, i have to give some context. last year, i knew this girl who was seemingly very obsessed with me. at first, it seemed fine, but then it started to spiral out of control. she would tell me perverted and disgusting things, and would message me non-stop. she would also stare at me a lot. i havent seen her since the last day of school since she moved schools and i blocked her number. anyways, last night i dreamed that she had found me. in the beginning of the dream, it was me and my friend going through school and trying to avoid seeing her. it was really easy in the beginning, but it got more and more difficult as the dream went on. she eventually found me and i began to run, but since it was a dream it didnt do very much. during another part of the dream, she found my house and started knocking on the door, asking to be let in. i think this was an especially weird dream because the "plot" (i guess) of the dream remained the same, unlike my other dreams where it changes frequently. everything i can remember dreaming about last night was about her. fortunately, it wasnt scary to the point where i woke up with my heart pounding, but it was still very unsettling.

anyways, about what i did today. i helped my father and my sister take down the majority of our christmas tree today. it always feels weird every single year because it feels like we just put the tree up yesterday. it also makes me a bit sad because the next time we bring the tree back up, it is going to be near the end of the year and i will probably be a different person. my entire family, on the other hand, are relieved because one of our cats has been swatting at the ornaments and trying to eat the tree needles. as of right now, the entire tree has been stripped of the ornaments and lights, and maybe around 3/4ths of it remain, since this tree is fake and we need to remove each branch and pack them away. i dont really have anything else to say today, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 3 - 20

8:45 PM

82

hello. like yesterday, i didnt really do much, although i dont think that is much of a surprise at this point. i did manage to get all of my homework done, thankfully. i just had to finish up my chemistry test, which is weird because i thought i also had to do a math worksheet, but there is nothing on my planner or in my math folder about a worksheet. i guess i just fabricated that. since i had finished the majority of it during my chemistry class, i only had a few questions to answer. im glad that i have my homework done now, but im still worried about my break ending. also, i didnt mention this yesterday, but apparently my english teacher has me currently at a failing average for some reason. it says that im missing two things, one of which im fairly certain i already handed in. even if i was missing two things, i dont think that would justify giving me a failing average. oh well. i guess i will just talk to him when i return to school on monday. goodbye.

1 - 2 - 20

8:06 PM

81

hello. to be honest, i didnt really get up and start doing things until around one in the afternoon. i did get up for a short period of time at around four in the morning, but i went back to sleep shortly after. i was sleeping a lot because i was trying to get rid of a headache that had started last night. the headache started around my left eye, but after a while it shifted to be around my right eye. it was just a headache last night, but today i woke up with a runny nose, an incredibly dry mouth, occasional mild stomach pains, as well as the headache on top of all that. i feel pretty fine now, so i dont really know why that happened.

i didnt really do much today, except worry about my break ending soon. my break ends on monday and i really dont want it to end. ive also been very nervous about a mandatory concert i have to do this month when my music class ends. im not performing live, thankfully, but my song is going to be played in front of an audience. it is very weird how we are being forced to do a concert when we havent even had the correct materials for the majority of the semester. i also think it is weird how we havent been given much information about what is going to happen. all we were told is that there will be a concert. im not even sure if we know when the concert will be. i also remember my teacher mentioning that if we arent able to play the songs in the auditorium, then they will be played in our classroom, which raises even more questions. our classroom, which we dont even use anymore because nothing we need is in there yet, is actually incredibly small. when my teacher said there was going to be a concert, i was assuming a very big one. if the audience can fit into a tiny classroom, then what kind of audience is even going to show up? also, how do they know that it is going to be a small crowd? has everyone already signed up and i just didnt hear about it? i guess that would explain why ive seen zero posters around the school advertising this concert. also, i have no idea who is even showing up. teachers? parents? students? a mix? ive actually been contemplating just doing nothing. on the syllabus paper that was handed out, the concert will count for twenty percent of my average. i actually have a hundred average, because all the class has been is just taking notes and playing with garage band. i could easily just do nothing and skate by with an average of eighty and call it a day. i told my mother this, and she told me to not do that because it will bring my average down, but if i cant finish my song in time i might just do that. i actually dont even need this class for credit.

i really dont want to make myself more stressed, so i will stop talking. goodbye.

1 - 1 - 20

6:20 PM

80

hello, and happy new year. i seriously thought i was going to pass out before it reached midnight last night, but thankfully i didnt. my sister kept me awake by complaining for a good hour or so. time seemed to fly by for whatever reason; it felt like i would blink and a half hour would go by. in all honesty, the countdown felt a bit anticlimactic to me this year, compared to the previous countdowns that i can remember. i guess i was just thinking about finally being able to drink the apple cider that my parents had bought instead of feeling excited for the new year. dont get me wrong, im actually very excited about it being a new year, i was just very tired. even though i was tired, i didnt go to sleep until one in the morning because i enjoyed being around everyones excitement. thats about all i have to say for last night. for today, i didnt really do anything, just like yesterday. because of that, i think i will just end this entry here instead of straining to come up with things to say. goodbye.

12 - 31 - 19

6:49 PM

79

hello. i guess this is my last entry for 2019. it feels so weird because i actually remember new years eve from last year somewhat vividly. i feel really sad to see 2019 go, even though it wasnt really kind to me. anyways, this entry will probably be short because i didnt really do much today. i finally got to successfully screw the backing for the battery compartment back onto my new furby this morning. im actually a bit curious about it, because this furby seems to be in incredibly great condition, compared to other furbys i have that had never been taken out of their boxes. this one was actually ripped out of its box, but was still attached to a big piece of cardboard that was inside the box. when i first held the furby, i immediately noticed how bulky it was. i would say it looks more like a furby than my other furbys. it is so incredibly soft, and i just dont understand, considering that the remains of the box seemed to be pretty mangled. anyways, again, since i didnt do a lot today, i dont have much to say. i think i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

12 - 30 - 19

9:13 PM

78

hello. i guess i should be blunt; today was absolutely horrible. this morning, i noticed that i could feel a small bump on the fleshy area right behind the roof of my mouth. i get these occasionally and theyre completely harmless, but for some reason i was curious about if they have a name. i looked it up, and they are commonly called epstein pearls. i really dont know what compelled me, but i decided to open the images to see what they look like, and i immediately regretted it. in all honesty, im fairly certain that most people would only find it a bit gross, and then move on. it is seriously just a harmless little white bump on the roof of a mouth. thats literally it. for whatever reason, i got so grossed out that i felt a certain feeling that ive only felt a few times before. i dont know how to describe the feeling. i would say it feels like my chest cavity is completely hollow, and i feel like im running out of breath. ive only felt it maybe around three times before. two of those times were when i was incredibly sad, and the other time was when i was afraid. i felt really panicked, and i felt so grossed out and disgusted with my body. i dont really know why, but a lot of harmless things bother me. i actually have a tiny callus on the bottom of my left foot, and now i actively avoid touching or looking at the bottom of that specific foot.

after i typed out that last paragraph, my eyes starting tearing up because my brain keeps showing me the images over and over again, so i think i should talk about what else happened today. about that furby i got yesterday, i actually managed to get it work with a trick that i didnt want to use but i was basically forced to use. the trick involves pulling the beak off of its hinge and trying to push a gear behind the beak. i didnt want to use this trick because ive never been able to get the beak completely back on its hinge after pulling it off of it. its not noticeable, just annoying to me. after a while of violently shaking it and trying to restart the furby, i finally decided to try the trick. it actually took maybe around an hour to get it to work. my mother tried to help me, as i basically needed four arms for this task. i needed one arm to hold the furby still, another to hold the beak at the right angle, another to flash a light so i can see, and another to actually try to turn the gear. it was really difficult, because i didnt really have much knowledge on the specifics. i didnt even know which way the gear turned, so it was basically just me violently jabbing at the gear in an attempt to make it move.

i had a certain problem where i had seemingly no tool that could be used. i thought i should use a tiny screwdriver, but my father was in a very bad mood, and he is the only who has access to the majority of his other screwdrivers. the one that my family has in the kitchen was too big. a toothpick, while thin enough to fit behind the beak, would basically just snap if it even tried to turn the gear. then i thought about tweezers, but those were too big to fit. a christmas ornament hook would just bend without doing anything. knives and scissors seemed to be too dangerous. finally, my mother suggested a paperclip, gave me one, and then left me to my own devices.

after a few minutes of trying to get the gear to turn with the paperclip, i realized that the gear spins horizontally, not vertically. i found this out after i tried to spin the gear horizontally, and the furby started to vibrate and make a buzzing sound. after a while of trying to get it to turn over and over again, i got the furby to work, but no sound came out and it would only do a short animation slowly, before it stopped working again. i tried to restart it, and everytime i hit the restart button, it would make different sounds and movements. sometimes it would go into a loop of moving its ears, eyes, and mouth, and wouldnt stop until i hit the restart button again. other times it would make loud, frightening growling noises. after a while, i had the bright idea of checking the batteries again, even though i had just put new ones in yesterday. i opened the battery compartment, and began to take them out, and i noticed they had actually started leaking. they didnt leak enough to cause damage, thankfully. i replaced the batteries, and voila, the furby is actually completely fine. it moves and talks as if it was brand new.

obviously, im very happy about that. what im not so happy about is what happened after. since i wanted to keep the batteries in, i turned the furby upside down to screw the back of the battery compartment back in. furbys can sense if they are being held upside down, and they usually make a giant fuss about it. i couldnt seem to be able to screw the back of the battery compartment back on, and my sister started to get mmad at me because the furby was being loud. i dont remember what my thought process was, but i guess i just snapped. i dont mean snapped as in something like "started yelling" or "attacked my sister". whenever my sister is mad at me, she always speaks in this angry and stern voice and tone. she is angry at me a lot and i always just sit there and let her be mad at me, because im too tired to fight back. today i talked back to her in that same voice and tone. all of a sudden, she acted like she hadnt gotten mad at me at all, and asked me what my problem was in an innocent and offended voice. i usually cry whenever im angry, so i just took the furby and stormed into my room. i wasnt able to get the battery compartment to close, so the furby has just been lying on my bed with the compartment open for the past few hours. im not sure why, but i felt incredibly impulsive immediately after that exchange happened. thankfully, i didnt do anything too bad. all i did was doodle things in an empty notebook i found until i felt better.

i dont really have anything else to say for today and im very tired, so goodbye.

12 - 29 - 19

6:46 PM

77

hello. today my dad took me to my favorite mall so we could go and look for furbys and other things i collect. my dad spotted an old stained popple and i found some clothes for my new briarberry bear i got for christmas, so i was pretty happy. i thought that was the end of our adventure for today, but i was sorely mistaken. after we both got into my dads car, i took my phone out so i could text my sister that we were on our way home. when i turned the screen on, i was greeted with a bunch of messages from a friend of mine, all in capital letters, saying that she had spotted some furbys at a vintage store that my dad and i visit. i told my dad this, and we drove to that store. during the drive, i was texting my friend and asking her about the furbys. my friend sent me a picture of one of them, which was a furby that i already owned. these messages were sent in a group chat that also has my sister in it, so my sister texted me, begging me to not waste my money. i just reassured her that i wouldnt buy any that were incredibly overpriced. when we arrived and entered the store, i saw my friend and her family crowded over near where the furbys were. there were three of them, and, in all honesty, i desperately wanted to buy all three of them, however i only had the money for one of them. two furbys were identical to two i had at home, while one of them was a furby that i did not have, so i bought the furby that i didnt have already. the lady at the cashier actually recognized me from the last time i bought furbys from the store, and got all excited. i thanked my friend, and we both left. im really happy about today. unfortunately, i cant seem to get the furby to work, but thats alright.

after i wrote the previous paragraph out, i decided to go and investigate this new furby a bit more. tuna, another furby of mine, is actually missing the screw for their battery compartment, so their batteries can easily be taken out and put back in without needing a screwdriver. since i know that the batteries for tuna works, i decided that i should try to take those batteries out and put them in my new furby to see if it is a battery issue or just a furby issue. i didnt get far in my plan, though. when i started trying to take a battery out of tunas battery compartment, they woke up and made a slightly distorted, glitchy noise. their ears perked up, their eyes shot open, and their beak hung agape. i was frightened that i had somehow managed to break tuna, so i pushed the battery back in, and they just woke up as normal. im fairly certain that that is just what happens when furbys run low on battery, but the noise really scared me. my dad is sleeping anyways, and i dont want to wake him up, so i guess i will just wait until tomorrow to try to see if i can get my new furby to work. goodbye.

12 - 28 - 19

7:28 PM

76

hello. i had to get the rest of my cavities fixed today. i felt more prepared this time, mainly because i actually knew what was going to happen, unlike the last time. i actually gagged on the metal when the dentist began, and i had to take a few seconds to catch my breath. also, when the dentist was putting my fillings in, he had to use clamps that needed to be twisted in, and one of the clamps got caught on my upper lip. it didnt break skin or anything, but it really hurt. when my mother and i were able to leave the dentist, we went to the antique store i mentioned earlier, where i got my purple scarf. i bought two more of the same scarf, just in different colors. my mother also bought a new purse, and she seemed really happy about it. since my teeth have been hurting, i decided to just let myself relax today. ive been coloring mandalas for the past few hours, and it is really relaxing. when i got some of my cavities fixed a few weeks ago, going to sleep seemed to make my teeth stop hurting. they hurt when i went to bed, but my teeth felt fine when i woke up the next morning. im really hoping that happens tonight, because it hurts to drink water because the water is too cold. i dont really have anything else to say, so goodbye.

12 - 27 - 19

6:59 PM

75

hello. i had a bad dream last night. i wasnt able to go back to bed after it, but thankfully it didnt wake me up too early. ill try my best to describe what had happened in the dream. in the dream, my father started to chase me, and i was running through a store frantically. i remember i was trying to find my sister and my mother, because i knew they were in the store. when i found them, they were near the exit, and i desperately tried to explain my situation. my mother didnt even seem to notice that i was there, while my sister was a bit unphased and simply gestured towards the exit. when i made it out of the store, my brain decided to restart the chase, but instead my father was on a motorcycle. i made my way to the same store and i found the exit again, however i realized i was in a dream when i left the store. i wanted to wake myself up, however i was afraid that my father would find me before i woke up, and i would see really scary things. thankfully, i managed to wake up before anything bad happened, but my heart was pounding and i felt like i was out of breath. i also had some weird children-like drawings appear in my vision once i woke up, which i think might have been hypnopompic hallucinations (hallucinations experienced while waking up).

anyways, despite that abysmal start to my day, today was actually fantastic because i was productive. for some reason, i keep fantasizing about the future, so i decided to get up and try to at least do something useful so i could feel better about my current situation. i started to clean my room. i didnt get to finish, but im really happy that i didnt just decide to do nothing like i usually do. my fantasies about the future seem to be taunting me and motivating me at the same time. i keep wishing that i could just feel like im in control of my own body for once. i mean, im obviously in control, but it rarely seems like it. i can make my body do something, like lift my arm, but once i get my body to lift my arm, the thought process behind lifting my arm feels foreign, like i wasnt the one who just made my body do that. im beginning to wonder if that is just how moving my body feels, and it is totally normal, and im just thinking too deeply into it, like how repeating a word over and over again makes the word in question just look like a bunch of shapes and sound like gibberish.

i remade that list i talked about earlier, which has everything i want to do. i also split the list into chunks of tasks that are similar, so simply looking at the list isnt an assault on the senses, as well as an assault on my motivation. also, im trying to split vague tasks into smaller tasks so i dont seem too overwhelmed when i look at the list. i managed to split the task "organize my room" into nine tasks, all which are basically "organize this small portion of your room".

im really tired after typing all of that out, so im done for today. goodbye.

12 - 26 - 19

5:19 PM

74

good afternoon. i didnt really do much today, so i dont have much to say about that, but i did have a lucid dream this morning. im pretty sure i havent had one for a while, so i was incredibly excited. funnily enough, i became lucid because i realized that my actions seemed really weird and almost predetermined. for some reason, i was paying attention to how i felt and how my body was moving, and i noticed that my body seemed to just... move on its own. once i realized that, i became lucid. i also kept getting really mad at the dream characters for some reason. i think i was somewhat lucid when i was getting mad, because i remember knowing that i was in a dream, but i dont know why i was acting that way when it literally didnt even matter. for example, in my dream last night, i went to go use the bathroom. my dream took place in my school, and in my school, i have to sign out to use the bathroom. when i went to the desk to sign out, a teacher was sitting there and began to scold me for not wearing any shoes. for some weird reason, i tend to go to school in my dreams without wearing any shoes or socks. i have no idea why this happens, but it happened last night, and i think i might have actually screamed at the teacher. i also remember that, when i went to go sign in my name, my whole name was there, except for my first name, which was replaced with "steve". i got really mad again, but i dont remember what i did after that.

also, i tried really hard to summon things, but i was unsuccessful. i tried to do a trick where you turn around, make yourself believe that the item is behind you, and then turn back around. the item should be there if youve done it correctly, but it didnt work for me. i was afraid that i would wake up, so i tried to do this very quickly over and over again. after that didnt work, i tried another trick, where you do the same exact thing, except instead of believing that the item you want is there, you believe that a door is there, and you open the door and the item will be on the other side. that trick didnt work either, so i began to desperately claw and rip the wallpaper off of the wall, while dream characters crowded around me and watched in utter bewilderment and amusement. in the end, i made myself wake up because i realized that my actual body needed to use the bathroom.

thats all i have to say for today. goodbye.

12 - 25 - 19

8:23 PM

73

hello, and merry christmas if you celebrate it. my family celebrates christmas, so i received some gifts. while i was happy about today because of the gifts, i was also dreading today because i had to visit my other aunt. during the days leading up to today, my mother had been jokingly and overdramatically gripping at my arm and complaining about having to go. while i completely agreed with her, there wasnt really much i could do. my sister didnt want to go, either. the aunt i visited yesterday is my mothers sister, while the aunt i visited today is my fathers sister. the reason why pretty much nobody wanted to go, including my father, was because there was the possibility of one aunt (not the one that i am visiting, this aunt i am describing is also visiting the aunt that i said i am visiting. complicated, i know.) appearing that seemingly no one in my family likes. i like to stay out of family drama because it makes me uncomfortable, however my family has apparently caught her lying several times. nobody seems to want to confront her, and i think it is because nobody wants even more family drama. like i said, i try to stay out of the drama, but sometimes the tension gets so thick and blatant that you can practically cut it with a knife.

as you would expect, today was... a bit uncomfortable to sit through. my mother, upon seeing this aunt open the door, immediately blurted out that everyone in my family may be catching a cold and therefore should not be touched. everyone was understanding, and we just acknowledged eachother without hugging or anything. i was fine with this, in fact maybe even a little joyful, because having to go around and hug each person (which is what we normally do) feels incredibly awkward sometimes. it wasnt that tense during this visit, thankfully, however something happened right before we left. my mother had went to use the bathroom, and when she finished, she came into the living room where my sister and i were standing, clutching her hand and muttering curses under her breath. my sister and i came over to her and asked her what was wrong, and she proceeded to describe what had happened with completely unsubtle whispers and hand gestures. when my mother had went to use the bathroom, she had to wait for this aunt to finish so she could get in. apparently, this aunt ran the hot water on the faucet for a very long time, before shutting it off and leaving, so when my mother went in to wash her hands, the water was scalding hot and she burned her hand. my mother showed us her hand, and it was incredibly red on part of her wrist. i am so thankful that i was able to leave right after that happened, because it would have been torture if i had to stay any longer than i did.

anyways, im getting really tired, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

12 - 24 - 19

8:44 PM

72

hello. im sorry in advance if this entry is very short or sounds weird. i just came back from visiting my aunt and i am incredibly tired. in all honesty, i really would like to say that today was good, but it... really wasnt. i mean, yes, i got some money from my relatives, but i spent most of my time at my aunts house feeling tired and bored. my head started to hurt from the nonstop talking, and my little cousin wouldnt leave me alone. the car ride home felt somewhat nauseating because of all of the bright christmas decorations, as well as the light from all of the cars. im going to end this entry here, because im very tired and i want to sleep. goodbye.

12 - 23 - 19

6:28 PM

71

hello. today was alright, although i didnt do much. i feel like i should talk more about yesterday, but i cant think of anything else to talk about. im still somewhat upset by what my sister did, though. my sister seems to be in a bad mood a lot, and i usually try to avoid her because of this. she tends to take out her anger on me and our mother a lot. she usually gets mad at me whenever i do something silly to try to make her laugh. i feel like im making myself more upset by talking about it, so i guess i will just talk about something else.

last night i had a bad dream. i probably cried in my sleep, but i dont know, as it wasnt a dream from right before i woke up. i dont know how to explain it, because i feel kind of silly trying to. in this dream, people kept trying to steal my things. ive had a dream like this before, where people keep trying to take my things and i get incredibly upset, but this one was different from the other one, because... they werent even physically taking it. i remember that i was in a school club meeting, and i had brought my backpack with my things in it. if i didnt focus on a certain item for a few seconds, the item would vanish and they would suddenly have it, and i would have to fight them to get it back. the problem is, if i fought them to get a certain item back, another item would be stolen and then i would have to try to get that back, and the cycle continued. i remember feeling so exhausted and drained inside the dream because i was constantly trying to get my things back. like i said, i probably cried in my sleep because i cried in the dream, but the dream probably happened an hour or so after i fell asleep, so the tears dried up if i did.

i dont really have anything else to say because, like i said earlier, i didnt do much today. goodbye.

12 - 22 - 19

9:31 PM

70

hello. like i mentioned yesterday, my friend came over today. it was really fun, but, like most times my friends are over, my sister tries to make me look weird in front of them. sometimes, when i crack a joke in front of my friend, my sister turns to me with this weird and grossed out look. i remember that while we were eating dinner today, i remarked that tomorrow is going to be christmas adam. my friend laughed, while my sister looked at me with this very disturbed expression on her face, as if i had said something horrible. she only seems to do this whenever there are other people around. i might write more tomorrow, because i am very tired right now. sorry about that. goodbye.

12 - 21 - 19

5:48 PM

69

hello. i got a haircut today, and ive been really happy about it. i was also really excited for today because my dad told me he would take me to two antique stores i saw a while ago. the second one we went to was closed, but the first one had a lot of interesting stuff. i was expecting it to be a very small store, and i initally thought that i was correct when i stepped inside. i was a bit disappointed because nothing of interest really caught my eye, but then i noticed a hallway leading to a room full of stocked shelves, and i got excited. i was really looking for furbys, as those are the main things i collect, and unfortunately i did not find any, but i did find a really cool scarf that i bought. it is a purple scarf that has a big paw at each end that you can wear like gloves. im really hoping i will be able to go back there soon, because there were a lot of cool knick-knacks that i enjoyed looking at.

other than that, i didnt do much today. im a bit upset that i have to go to bed because i really dont want to ruin my haircut. my friend is also coming over tomorrow, so i am looking forward to that. i dont really have anything else to say. goodbye.

12 - 20 - 19

6:52 PM

68

hello. i cant believe i made it. i mean, i obviously would have made it no matter what, but a second in school feels like an eternity. today was, as you would expect, chaotic, although i didnt really notice until my sixth class. my sixth class was absolute torture to sit through. it was history, and the teacher forced us to split into two groups to play some weird dice game that everyone ignored. snacks and food were all over the place, and my teacher actually didnt even know what half of the food items were. i remember one kid pointed to a weird dish that looked like an orange cake with shredded cheese on top of it, and asked my teacher what it was. my teacher just shrugged, tried some of it, and remarked that it tasted somewhat like almonds. i think my history teacher had asked people to bring food in, but she didnt seem to be checking the food, so i avoided any and all snacks that came my way. the only snack that my history teacher had brought in herself was a box of chip bags, which i didnt touch as well. my teacher also gave some kids a pair of microphones, which obviously didnt end too well. a girl had brought in a stereo and was playing very loud christmas music over the chaos, all while two kids, who had managed to make swords out of yardsticks, fought in the front of the classroom. my teacher didnt do much, other than watch and talk to people.

that was probably the worst class of the day, but other than that, today was okay. the school blasted christmas music with terrible sound quality over the intercom, so i occasionally had to listen to that if the music on my phone buffered. in all honesty, i appreciate the effort to keep the morale up, but it just seems... condescending sometimes. it isnt just during the holiday season, either. it seems to happen for the entire year. it feels almost surreal to fight your way through the crowded hallways, getting pushed and shoved as you try to make it to your next class, all while cheerful music plays loudly out of all of the speakers. the bathrooms are so filthy that im pretty sure it is more hygienic to wet your pants, and fights are so common that nobody is phased when they hear that a fight has gone down, yet all my school does is say "mental health is more important than your grades!", and then they sit back like theyve done something extraordinary. i am always nervous about my gym class, and outside of the locker rooms is a corkboard with positive mantras like "take a deep breath in!" and "everything will be okay!", meanwhile i am panicking about if i will have enough time to get my next class on time today. im sorry if i sound cynical, it is just that i am so tired of my school preaching about the importance of our happiness, whilst also directly contributing to our problems and doing nothing about it.

im getting tired, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

12 - 19 - 19

6:27 PM

67

hello. i had a bad dream last night, and, of course, my alarm woke me up, so i didnt have any time to lay in bed and calm down. it wasnt a horrific dream, thankfully, but just a little unsettling. in this dream, my friends sister had killed people, particularly people who go to our school. i remember that i had confronted her in the dream, but she just remained quiet. i dont really remember much other than that, because my alarm started going off. i really think that i should set an alarm to go off a few minutes before my main alarm goes off, just in case i have a bad dream and need to calm down.

i updated the canvas this morning. i didnt have much on it before i deleted it, so i added some more information. i remember that when i first made the canvas, i had an incredibly hard time trying to write about myself. i still had some trouble today, but it was a little easier, thankfully.

today was fine. i had actually zoned out as i was walking to my gym class, and it was a really weird feeling. i remember i was going down the stairs, and i just felt like i was gliding down them, like a ghost. when i try to walk down a set of stairs while i am zoned out, i usually have this constant feeling that i am going to trip and fall, however today felt much more... graceful. it was almost as if my feet didnt even need to connect with the stairs in order to make my way down safely. this feeling continued as i walked down the hallway, and ended when i walked into the locker room. it was very eerie, yet peaceful at the same time. my italian speaking was okay. i was a bit exhausted from gym class, but i still volunteered to go first just so i could get it over with. my teacher helped me through it, and i actually kind of knew what to say. now all i need to do is my chemistry test tomorrow, which i was told is actually going to be a take-home test. im not sure if i am remembering this correctly, but i think we were told it is going to have seventy questions on it. im going to try to complete as much as i can in class, so i dont have to do much over the break.

also, i noticed something very weird about my body today. for some reason, if a part of my body hurts, it has a seemingly higher chance of being on my left side than my right side. ive been trying not to think about it too much, because i fear it will become some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, but it is just so... weird. for example, the hip pain i had? that was my left hip. my knee pain? my left knee. for the past few days, ive been waking up with an ankle that hurts. which ankle? well, it is my left ankle, of course. i also have a weird burn-looking mark that has appeared on, you guessed it, my left arm. i only noticed it this morning, and it only hurts if my finger grazes across it, however doesnt seem to hurt if i press down on it. my mother says that it looks like a burn, but i dont remember burning myself. also, this morning, i woke up with a weird cut on, wait for it, my left hand. the list seemingly goes on. im going to try to ignore this for now, just so my brain doesnt try to prove me right.

anyways, im just really hoping that tomorrow goes by quick. for some reason, the past few days have felt like friday, so i keep getting myself really excited, before reminding myself that it isnt actually friday. a lot of people in my school have also felt like this. unfortunately, i need to finish my homework, so i will end this here. goodbye.

12 - 18 - 19

6:43 PM

66

hello. today was alright. my italian test was actually quite easy, and my teacher told me my score because i handed it in early. i got a ninety-nine. i got everything right except for one part, where i accidentally translated a phrase as "my brother feeds the dog", instead of "my brother gives the dog a drink". i know a lot of people get incredibly frustrated if they get a ninety-nine instead of a perfect score, but im actually completely fine with this. it is a little annoying, but not to the point where i scream and wail. anyways, as you might have expected, im dreading tomorrow because of my gym class. i feel like a broken record at this point. it is actually my last gym class before break, so at least i can somewhat relax on friday, but still. i also have my italian speaking tomorrow, which im... somewhat prepared for? if we run out of time before my speaking starts, i have to do my speaking on friday, but im going to try to get it over with tomorrow so i dont have to spend friday worrying about two things at a time.

i dont have any homework today, which is fantastic. i walked into my math class today, expecting that i would have to do work, however i was delighted to see that my math teacher wasnt here today. actually, i think he was. i remember spotting him earlier today, and a lot of people in my class said they also saw him, so im assuming he either went home early or had to go to a meeting. thats not important though. the important thing is that i managed to leave school today with basically no homework. i wouldnt say that the homework i get is hard, it is just that it is usually the one of the last things keeping me from planting my face into my bed and letting the comfort consume me for the night. on a possibly related sidenote, i think im going to finally update the the canvas tomorrow morning. i deleted all of it when i was feeling impulsive and energetic, because i thought i would be able to remake it that night, but then i passed out after getting little to no homework done. sorry about that.

anyways, im getting tired, so ill stop typing now. goodbye.

12 - 17 - 19

6:51 PM

65

hello. yesterday, when i had checked the weather for today, my weather app on my phone told me that it was going to rain ice for one hour at one in the morning. i had pushed it aside, assuming that it would stop before i had to go to school, but no. when i walked outside, ice was falling from the sky. not hard like hail, but more of a slushy consistency. im not sure if ive ever seen something like this before, but if i did, i have no memory of it, so i was very fascinated while my mother urged me to wait inside our car instead of waiting outside. it stopped after a while, but it was very pretty.

today was actually quite alright, although i did have a burst of anger near the end of the day. the anger is gone now, thankfully, but it was very scary to feel. during my first class, my teacher received a small basket of cookies as a christmas gift from another teacher. he became very excited, and showed us some of the cookies, and in the middle of telling us the names of each cookie, accidentally dropped one on the floor. he then proceeded to let out the most anguished wail i have ever heard in my life. i felt incredibly bad for laughing, but he was okay.

the math test i had today was annoying. for some reason, i never seem to have enough time to take the test, so i end up having to leave a few of the extended response questions blank. thankfully, i was able to finish most of the test, however i had to leave the last question blank because i ran out of time. other than that, im somewhat confident. i think im going to get somewhere between an eighty and ninety, but i guess we will have to see. i have to take my italian test tomorrow, but im pretty confident for that.

anyways, im getting tired now, so i will end this here. goodbye.

12 - 16 - 19

7:09 PM

64

hello. my history test was fine, although i wasnt really too worried about it. my teacher told me that i got a perfect score, so that is good. around an hour ago, i was pacing in my basement. i guess i should mention that i tend to pace in circles in my basement a lot. it is mainly to help me think and daydream better. anyways, i was pacing, and my eyes ticced, and the motion blur that i saw while i ticced looked like a person running. for some weird reason, i thought it was a completely good idea to watch scary things a few hours prior, so i jumped a little. ive actually never had this happen, so i guess that was a first.

im scared for tomorrow, because i have my gym class tomorrow, although that shouldnt be a surprise. for some reason, my backpack always seems to be so heavy and big, no matter how many things i take out of it. i have to carry my clothes for my gym class in a separate bag, so that means i take up more space on the bus and in the hallways. ive had a few times where the strings on my gym bag have caught on doors, so i have to awkwardly hold up the hallway as i try to unhook the strings. i guess that is another reason why i hate my gym class. i guess another reason would be that my gym teacher can be... somewhat patronizing towards me. in the beginning of the year, we had to do laps around the football field. if you take a look at me, im obviously very unfit, so i usually take longer than all of the other kids to complete a lap. one time, we had to do four laps around the football field, and it was timed. i already knew there was no point in trying to run, so i just simply walked. it took me a whole class period to finish, and my gym teacher, instead of telling me my time, simply told me that he liked my "positivity". my legs felt like they were on fire because i didnt give myself a chance to rest, so i didnt have the energy to comment on what he said. i simply nodded and stumbled into the school. when i told my mother what had happened, she was pretty furious, but this isnt really anything new to me. most of the gym teachers i have simply funnel all of their compliments onto me, and completely ignore the other kids. i know they probably have good intentions, but it is so frustrating whenever im seriously struggling to keep up, and all they have to say is "great job!", especially when they arent even complimenting the other kids.

im sorry if i rambled for too long. anyways, i have homework to do, so ill stop typing. goodbye.

12 - 15 - 19

7:51 PM

63

hello. today is the second month anniversary of this websites creation. like last time, i dont really have much to say about it. it just feels weird because i feel like it was just the first month anniversary yesterday. anyways, to be honest, i dont remember much about what i did today. last night, i had a very good dream. im not sure if i have mentioned this in the past on here, but i like to worldbuild, which is basically creating and developing fictional universes. ive been mainly focusing on one world, which is called yarudanel. im not going to go into much detail about it today, but i had a dream last night where i was in yarudanel. since it was a dream, a lot of things didnt really make sense, however it really excited me and inspired me to continue working on worldbuilding.

im somewhat excited for this week to end already. i guess im always excited for the week to end, because then i get to relax, but im especially excited this week because i have two weeks off after this week. all i have to do is just make it through this week. of course, since teachers are teachers, this week is pretty much filled with tests. i just checked my planner, and there is a test for pretty much every single day of this week. how lovely. my history test is on monday, my math test is on tuesday, my italian test is on wednesday, my italian speaking is on thursday, and my science test is on friday. oh well. anyways, i have homework to do, so i will end this here. goodbye.

12 - 14 - 19

6:48 PM

62

hello. to be honest, my dentist appointment wasnt even that bad. from the way my mother described it, i was expecting to be forcibly strapped down to the chair and operated on. the thing i was most worried about were the needles, and even then, there was only one needle, and it only pinched a little. the entire right side of my mouth was pretty much numb for a few hours afterwards, but it is mostly gone by now. i was just somewhat disturbed by the fact that i couldnt make certain facial expressions correctly. the metal also tasted really gross in my mouth, but, again, it wasnt even that bad. the only thing that was kind of bad were the intrusive thoughts i was getting. i havent really had intrusive thoughts for a while, but when i realized the flesh in my mouth was numb, my brain kept telling me that i should try to bite off as much flesh as possible. it was the flesh right in front of my front teeth. i remembered hearing a while ago how our teeth can actually bite our own fingers in half like carrots, but our brain doesnt let us. my intrusive thought wanted me to do this, except with the flesh inside my mouth, so i had to try to deal with that.

other than that, though, the entire ordeal was fine. it just feels a bit weird to eat things because of the metal in my mouth, but whatever. anyways, i decided to go downstairs yet again and try to find things, and i actually found something incredibly interesting. i found an old camera that i had been trying to find for a while. it is from when i was very little. unfortunately, i couldnt get it to turn on, however i looked up the brand name and i actually somehow managed to find an instruction manual online that explained how to transfer photos from the camera to a computer. all i needed was a certain wire that came with the camera when you first bought it. at first, i was annoyed, because i obviously didnt know where to find the wire, considering that the camera has been out of its box for around the past decade. then i remembered something. when i first started going downstairs a week ago, i remember finding a white wire that i clearly had no use for. im the kind of person to keep things around "just in case", even though i will probably never need it in my life. when i found the wire, i had put it with the rest of the stuff i had found, "just in case". i went downstairs, grabbed the wire, and tried to plug the camera into my computer, and it miraculously worked.

most of the photos on the camera are very blurry, however there are plenty of photos of my old cat and my younger self. i had actually been looking for this camera mainly just for the pictures of my old cat, because i didnt have a phone while he was alive. there were... a lot things i couldnt even remember, which i guess is to be expected. to start, i have absolutely no memories of a certain chair we used to have in our living room. there are a lot of pictures of me sitting on this chair, but i cant remember it for some weird reason. i also couldnt remember the old color of our living room walls until i saw it in the photographs i had taken. this camera was also helpful because it helped me put certain memories in more organized timeline. for example, i have a distinct memory of buying a certain rubber duck from a store. before i saw it in the pictures on this camera, i had assumed that i had bought the rubber duck just a few years ago, however that clearly isnt the case. there are also pictures of my mothers car, which was brand new at the time. it is really funny, because i actually remember walking around all the different cars with my mother as she tried to decide which one to buy, and i pointed at a certain car and said that i liked it because "it looks like it has glitter on it". when the sun shines on it, the paint has a very faint glimmery effect. she ended up buying the car that i pointed at, and it is still her car today.

in all honesty, i didnt really expect that random white wire i found to actually go to the camera. i found the wire in one of the pink tubs in one corner of the basement, while i found the camera on the other side of the basement. im just incredibly glad that my brain decided to categorize it as "important", because if i hadnt, i probably wouldnt have remembered it. anyways, im getting tired, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

12 - 13 - 19

7:33 PM

61

hello. today was good, because today is friday, but unfortunately i have my dentist appointment tomorrow. i dont really know what is going to happen tomorrow, because nobody in my family knows either. my mother told me that theyre going to put needles into my mouth and that it is going to be very painful. the only other thing i really know is that im going to go have to wait a week before coming back to the dentist again, because they dont want to do too much in one day. because of this, ive been doing my homework that is due on sunday, just in case im too tired to work on it tomorrow, although i dont think "doing" is the right word to use. ive been procrastinating for the past few hours because i dont want today to end and tomorrow to begin. i brought up a bunch of stuff from downstairs, i brought up an old plastic toy bag that i almost considered washing, and i cleaned up my calendar whiteboard that was stuck on may from last year. funnily enough, i didnt even write the dates on the calendar. all i did was draw a big picture of myself.

im also in a very impulsive and motivated mood. i really dont know why and im kind of scaring myself. im thinking about updating parts of the site. im going to clean up the canvas and update the shrines. i think im going to remove the brainspeak shrine, too. this is mainly because most of the thoughts my brain produces are really uninteresting, and i also tend to procrastinate on updating the shrine with actually interesting thoughts that my brain makes. i dont really know why i want to do everything except the things i really need to be doing. i usually have these impulsive feelings at absurd hours of the day, like early morning or late night, but this feeling started yesterday and has just expanded. i actually made a list yesterday of all the things i really want to learn how to do. the problem with this, though, is that i get upset if i am not immediately good at something i have just learned, or am trying to learn. this usually applies to languages. there has been at least two occasions where it was incredibly late at night and i downloaded duolingo (an app you can use to learn languages), tried to learn the entirety of the japanese language in one night, failed (obviously), and promptly deleted the app out of sheer frustration.

im going to end this entry here before i ramble too much. goodbye.

12 - 12 - 19

3:59 PM

60

good afternoon. last night i had another nightmare where my mom is being irrational. in the nightmare, i was walking home from school when i found her lying on the side of the road. she wasnt injured or anything, but she was just very out of it for some reason. there was a wooded area behind her, and she told me to go into the woods. i dont know why, but i did what she told me to do, and i immediately felt like hundreds of tiny bugs were crawling all over me. i remember freaking out and somehow making it home, and violently trying to wash myself to get rid of the bugs. there werent any bugs on me, but i just felt the sensation of them. i also remember her telling me that she would kill our cats, and i cried incredibly hard while people tried to console me for the rest of the dream. i dont remember what they looked like, but i remember them trying to make me feel better. my crying so got loud that they eventually got tired of me and told me to leave. my alarm woke me up shortly after that happened, and i remember feeling lots of tears drip out from under my eyelids. i didnt have any time to stay in bed and calm myself down, so i had to force myself out of bed and into the kitchen to eat breakfast while trying to wipe the tears away.

this morning, i dont know how it happened, but there was no spot for our bus to park. there is a certain area of the parking lot of my school for buses, and there is one spot for each bus, so i dont know how there would suddenly be no room for us. i think there might have been a random car in one of the spots, however i didnt see any cars in any bus spots as we pulled up. we had to wait until most of the buses had left so our bus could park. although it was somewhat satisfying to watch each bus back up and drive off, it was also kind of annoying, mainly because i was afraid i would be late to my first class. i ended up not being late, thankfully.

other than those two things, today was pretty okay. today i noticed that the sounds of the hallways are starting to sound like crackling static to me, for some reason. i noticed this as i was walking to my sixth class, when i had to turn my music off because my phone was on low battery. i could make out the voices of the people in the hallway, but each word seemed to crackle for some weird reason. this isnt a bad thing, i just think it is really weird because ive never noticed this before.

anyways, im tired, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

12 - 11 - 19

6:49 PM

59

hello. it snowed last night, and was actually snowing until my school day was around halfway done, i think. the snow was somewhat bad. i could barely see out of the bus window, and walking to the front doors of my school felt like i was one second away from slipping at all times. i said yesterday that i was afraid of my gym class, but it actually wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. im always worried about my gym class because it is on the other side of the building from my next class, and im afraid i will be late to my next class. im also somewhat worried about people stealing my things, but i have gotten to the point where i can push that fear to the back of my mind so i can function. i had to stay after school today for a club, and then i got to go home. there was still snow outside when i got home.

i dont know how to describe this, and i might have mentioned this on here before, but oh well. do you know when you wake up in the morning, and you can tell immediately if it has snowed? i think it is because the light shining through the windows seems to be tinted white. that kind of happened today when i came home. my window was covered by my curtains, but some light still came through, so my entire room seemed to be tinted white, and it was so pretty.

i have homework to do, so ill end this here. goodbye.

12 - 10 - 19

3:29 PM

58

good afternoon. right now i feel this really weird feeling. right now i feel like i desperately want to cry, but i know that crying isnt going to do anything. i wouldnt say that this is because i was absent yesterday, but rather because every seemingly trivial thing is swarming me at once. i also keep ticcing a lot, specifically a tic where i suck in my stomach in a painful way, and a tic where i jab either my hand or my phone into my stomach. im trying really hard to not accidentally blurt this out while im talking with my mother, because then she is going to rant about how "the wi-fi in the air is messing with my brain". i dont know anyone else with tics and it is really lonely because nobody seems to understand that it isnt something that i can control.

other than that, today was okay. i didnt miss too much work, and yes, apparently someone did actually flood a floor in my school yesterday. i dont know much about what happened, but my friend who was at school yesterday confirmed it. all i know is that someone pushed balloons (im assuming they were inflated) down all of the toilets, which somehow caused a whole floor to flood. nobody in school mentioned it at all, though. anyways, like i said, i didnt miss a lot of work, and i quickly understood the little work that i did miss. the only thing im somewhat worried about right now is my gym class tomorrow, but i suppose i will cross that bridge when i get there. i have to go eat dinner soon, so i will end this here. goodbye.

12 - 9 - 19

8:30 PM

57

hello. i woke up around two hours before my alarm went off, and almost immediately i felt my stomach start to hurt. instead of trying to pretend like my stomach doesnt hurt like i usually do, for some reason i immediately sat up and got out of bed. when i came back to my bed, i spent the rest of my time trying to fall back asleep with no success, although it was very comfortable to just lay down on my bed. as soon as my alarm went off, i started arguing with myself over whether or not i should be absent. ive been very good so far about not being absent, but today i broke. i think the thing that convinced me was that today was the perfect day to be absent, considering the fact that i was supposed to have my gym class today, and i absolutely dread that class. in all honesty, i was expecting today to feel absolutely terrible, but i felt okay today. i thought i would be incredibly stressed out over work i am going to miss, but i dont think i care anymore. of course, im probably going to feel very annoyed tomorrow morning, but that is fine. i would be annoyed even if i did go to school today.

it was raining very heavily today, so maybe it was best that i stayed home. there is also the fact that apparently someone filled all the toilets with balloons and flooded an entire floor in my school today. im not sure if this is true, though i wouldnt be surprised if it was. anyways, it is getting late, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

12 - 8 - 19

8:31 PM

56

hello. today i went digging downstairs again. i didnt find a hoops plush or an old ds game, but i did find a plush of piddles, who is another character in hoops and yoyo. i also found some other various trinkets that i brought up with me. after i found these things, i just decided to relax upstairs for the rest of the day. today was pretty boring after that, to be honest. i actually got a notification on my phone a few hours ago about some project i have to do for history soon. i checked the instructions for the project, and, just as i feared, it is a project i need to complete with a partner. in all honesty, i think i work best when i am alone, however my history teacher seems to jump at any possible opportunity for her to force us into groups. on friday, she taped documents onto the walls and made us get up in groups and walk around the room to write down information about said documents. as one would expect, kids immediately began to stray from their groups, making the entire ordeal somewhat chaotic. my history teacher also loves to incorporate our phones into the lesson, allowing for students to type in responses so they can appear on the board. she hasnt learned her lesson yet. i didnt really look deeper into the details of the project, so hopefully it will turn out to be easier than i think it will be. anyways, i have homework to do, so i will stop typing. goodbye.

12 - 7 - 19

7:07 PM

55

hello. as i expected, i didnt do much today. i spent the majority of today just sitting in my bed, trying to beat my old nintendo ds games, when i had the bright idea to go downstairs to look for some more ds games i seem to be missing. i have two big tubs in my basement that are filled with stuff from my and my sister's childhood. i occasionally go digging through them, but i dont really dig too far, mainly because i make a lot of noise just taking the lid off of the tub, and my family gets mad if i make too much noise. i have only really dug into one of them, and havent really bothered with the other one, so today i decided to dig into that one, and i found some interesting things.

well, to start, i only found one ds game that i had no memory of until i started to play it. it is called "the legend of spyro the dragon: a new beginning". when i inserted the game and began to play, i realized that i had gotten somewhat far into the game on all three slots, although i dont really know what qualifies as "far" in this game. the slots dont show how much time youve spent playing the game, but rather how much experience youve gained in the game. the highest amount of experience i have gotten in one slot is around four thousand, but, again, i dont know what qualifies as a lot of experience. i opened this slot and i quickly realized that i probably quit the game because i got stuck on one part. you are told to draw circles around a box to open it, and are even given arrows to guide you, but no matter how many times i tried, nothing happened. i decided to exit and then delete a slot with the least amount of experience, and try to play the tutorial, and then i got a memory of me not being able to pass the tutorial part. i quickly got bored of this game, but im thinking about going back downstairs tomorrow to try to find more games.

next, i found something that justified a weird memory that i had never been able to justify. in this memory, my dad bought me this bird plush that i absolutely loved. when you squeezed it, it would make a delightful chirping noise. after a while, though, i lost it. well, today i found it. i dont remember exactly when he bought me this plush, but i think it was around 2011 to 2012. i dont know why i was so happy to see it again. i think it is because i have always tried explaining the memory to my parents, and they would only vaguely understand. the chirping actually still works, although it is a bit glitchy and distorted. i do remember receiving another bird, although i didnt find that one. it might be still in the tub, though. i think i should make a list of all of the things from my childhood that i want to find. i think the next thing on my list is a weird remote controlled horse...? or was it a dog? either way, all i can remember about it is that it could be led on a leash, and it came in a box that looked like a barn.

the last interesting thing i found was a toy of yoyo from hoops and yoyo. i had actually completely forgotten about hoops and yoyo, but i loved them during my childhood. hoops and yoyo starred on a lot of hallmark ecards back in the day, and my dad and i used to watch them over and over again and laugh hysterically each time. im really hoping that there is a plush of hoops downstairs as well.

im really tired after typing all of that out, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

12 - 6 - 19

5:44 PM

54

hello. well, my theory about my stomach aches wasnt true, at least for this morning. i woke up, and a few seconds after waking up i felt my stomach start to act up, so i had to get up before my alarm. today was alright, but it just got really bad an hour ago. i had to go to the dentist after school today, and it turns out i have some cavities, so i will need to come back to the dentist in a week or so to get them taken care of. of course, there is nothing i can really do about it right now, except for being more conscious about brushing my teeth, but my brain is making me feel so gross for sitting around, doing seemingly nothing about it. im not really doing nothing, because i know im going to try to brush my teeth and floss more, but my brain thinks that since im not spending my entire day brushing my teeth, i must be a disgusting and filthy slob. anyways, im very tired, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

12 - 5 - 19

6:34 PM

53

hello. today was mostly boring, so i didnt write down anything, but a few somewhat interesting things happened today. i didnt write these down because i knew i would remember them. in the morning, when i woke up, i stretched out my legs. apparently i stretched my left leg too far, because i felt the muscle begin to cramp. i think the name for it is "charley horse". for some reason, this sort of thing usually only happens in my left leg. i think it is because i have a motor tic where i stretch my left leg as far as it can stretch, which usually causes it to start cramping painfully. when i felt my leg begin to cramp, i immediately sat up and i felt all of the cramping start to go down. my left leg muscle has been sore since this morning, but it should probably go away overnight. i also woke up this morning with a bad stomach ache, but i think i know what is causing these stomach aches in the morning. before i go to bed, i usually drink some lemonade, because i have been craving lemonade for the past month or so and no amount of it is making my craving go away. if i consume too much sugar, my stomach starts hurting. i know this because i used to have horrific stomach pains when i was younger, and cutting a lot of sugar out of my diet made them go away, because my diet was very sugary and unhealthy. ive decided to stop drinking lemonade before i go to bed to see if it stops, and hopefully it does.

next, i had a really intense heart flutter in my math class. every once in a while my heart skips a beat, and although it spooks me for a second, it goes away very quickly and i can move on with my day. in my math class today, i was looking at the board when i felt my heart begin to flutter. i knew what was happening, so i waited for the feeling to go away but it didnt. my head started feeling like static and i think my eyes might have started rolling upwards. i dont know how to describe what everything looked like, but for some reason the room seemed to have a green and purple tint for a second, and everything started looking like it was layering on top of eachother. have you ever had a computer you were using start to glitch out, and if you dragged an icon on the desktop it would leave a trail of images of the desktop icon? it was kind of like that. this entire thing actually didnt even last that long. im pretty sure it was only fifteen to twenty seconds, but it felt like an eternity. after a few seconds, everything cleared up and went back to normal. i didnt feel any pain during this, although my heart fluttering and my head feeling like it was vibrating was a bit uncomfortable. i think i thought i was going to die, and i remember thinking, "i really dont want to die in my math class.". i love how that was the thing i was concerned about. i guess it would be traumatic to have a fellow classmate drop dead in the middle of your math class.

anyways, i dont think there was anything else that was interesting that happened today. i also have homework to do, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

12 - 4 - 19

6:46 PM

52

hello. today was one of those days that arent particularly good or bad. i had to sit in the back of the bus this morning. i rarely sit in the back because im usually quick enough to grab a seat, but today i ended up being the last person on the bus so i had to sit in the back. the smell was incredibly awful. it smelled like moldy pizza and body spray. i also came to the realization that i could just record how my day is in my notes so i dont have to scramble for memories when i get home. i didnt really write down much today, mainly because i realized this a while into the day, but im definitely going to try this tomorrow.

for whatever reason, i keep waking up in the morning with terrible stomach aches. i try to stay in bed as long as possible because i dont let myself get back into bed after my alarm rings, but i had to get up today before my alarm rang because it hurt so bad. at this point, i think my body is getting creative with its ways of hurting. occasionally, when i lift my left foot when i am walking, my foot fills with incredible pain, before immediately going away after a second. it always catches me off guard. a certain muscle in my right arm has been sore for a few weeks, but it doesnt hurt unless something presses a certain spot on my arm. i know that pain is the bodys way of telling you that something is wrong, but it is so frustrating when something hurts and seemingly nothing is wrong. i also try not to tell my family if something hurts because they always just laugh it off and tell me that i have too many ailments. im afraid that one day, something is going to be seriously wrong and i will try to tell them, but theyll just ignore me because my body always hurts.

i think im starting to ramble, so ill stop here for now. goodbye.

12 - 3 - 19

7:09 PM

51

hello. it snowed last night, and i didnt know this until i finished getting changed for school. it wasnt enough to have the day off, or even a delay, but it made walking outside annoying. i am always fearful of walking on my driveway after it has snowed. this is because my brain plays the same intrusive thought i have had for a long time, where i slip on the driveway, slide onto the road, and get hit by a car, over and over again. of course, i know this is incredibly irrational, but my brain believes otherwise. anyways, other than that mild inconvenience, today was fine. my italian presentation was... bearable, i suppose. i had my gym class right before my italian class today, so i showed up feeling incredibly dehydrated and sweaty, but my teacher said i did good, so thats good i guess. today wasnt really interesting, so thats all i have to say. goodbye.

12 - 2 - 19

5:47 PM

50

hello. im not going to say that today was completely horrible, but im not going to say that today was good, either. my bottle of hand sanitizer decided to leak inside my bag. thankfully i have a section in my backpack just for my hand sanitizer, so it didnt leak onto any papers or binders, but it was incredibly annoying to reach into my bag and feel that a good portion of the pouch was filled with hand sanitizer. at least that pouch is clean, i guess. i also somehow managed to take a one hour nap after dinner. i feel absolutely horrible whenever i wake up from a nap, but thankfully i didnt feel too bad this time around. i had slept with my headphones on, so my ears hurt, and it also took me a few minutes to figure out what time and day it was. of course, my phone showed me the correct time, but for some reason my brain was convinced that it was the morning, and that i had seriously fallen asleep without taking a shower and doing my homework. i also didnt get to present my italian project today, but im going to be the first one to do it tomorrow. the entire class basically admitted to the teacher that they didnt do anything over break, so he is giving us an extra day to work on it. thats pretty much all i have to say for today. goodbye.

12 - 1 - 19

9:19 PM

49

hello. sorry if this entry is short. it is really late because, like i said yesterday, people were visiting. specifically one of my uncles, his wife, and his two sons. one of their sons is five years old, and the other one is three years old. i was actually warned to lock my door and hide my electronics and valuables, because they are a little too curious about everything. i somewhat disregarded their warnings, and i thought that i would examine the situation first to see what i should do. when they arrived, one of them immediately went running for my parents room, and seemingly no one noticed. i quietly followed him to my parents room, only to find him picking up my parents stuff and inspecting them. i managed to convince him to put the stuff down and leave, however as soon as he left, i went to my room and quickly hid my phone inside, before locking my door. thankfully, nothing i worried about yesterday happened. my brain didnt make me zone out, i didnt hide in my room, and i didnt skip out on dessert, although i did hold back just in case my stomach decided to act up again.

other than that, nothing really extraordinary happened today. im sad about going back to school tomorrow. i have to present this project for italian sometime next week, although im hoping i will get to present first just so i dont have to sit and worry about it for the week. anyways, im tired now so ill end this here. goodbye.

11 - 30 - 19

7:41 PM

48

hello. today was... a bit annoying. nothing went wrong today, but for some reason ive just been somewhat sad. my father is inviting more people over for tomorrow, so my last day before i have to go back to school is going to be spent with people i dont want to be around. fantastic. hopefully my brain doesnt decide to do the same exact thing that it did on thanksgiving. i think im going to hide as soon as it turns dark, just in case my brain tries to convince me that im sleeping. ill skip out on dessert, too. i just really hope that my head doesnt hurt again. im actually somewhat fine with pain if it only hurts when i move. i absolutely hate pain that hurts no matter what, because i cant escape it at all. headaches and stomach aches are horrible for this reason, and guess what was hurting on thanksgiving? both my head and my stomach. anyways, im tired now, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 29 - 19

6:34 PM

47

good morning. i feel a lot better now, so i will describe what happened yesterday in better detail.

from the moment i woke up yesterday morning, everyone seemed incredibly stressed. i dont exactly blame them, to be honest. also, a few days ago, i remember mentioning in an entry that my throat started to feel funny. well, my body finally decided to start showing actual symptoms of being sick yesterday. my nose was stuffed and i couldnt stop coughing. despite this, everything was actually going very well until dinner, when my head started hurting. i think it happened because everyone was being so loud, and also because i couldnt stop coughing. i took some medicine after dinner so my headache would stop, but it didnt really do much. after dinner, i decided to just lie down on my bed. nobody really bothered me, thankfully. after an hour or so, my sister told me that it was dessert time, so i decided to get up and go have some dessert. i started to zone out very badly as i was walking through the hallway to get some dessert. all of the lights were on, so everything felt so bright and surreal. i didnt even have that much dessert, just a piece of cake and a piece of pie, but my stomach is very sensitive to sweet foods sometimes, so i ended up feeling like i was going to be sick. i still had a headache, so i just headed back to my room. i wrote my entry immediately after coming back into my room because i knew i was probably going to pass out as soon as everyone left, and i didnt want to fall asleep without writing an entry. everyone left an hour or so after dessert. a few minutes after everyone left, my body started involuntarily crying in front of my family. i hate crying in front of my family, because they always want an explanation as to why i am crying, and sometimes the explanation either takes too long to say, or i have no explanation at all. i told everyone i felt like i was going to be sick, so my mother gave me some more medicine. i went back to my bed after that, and after a while i somehow managed to fall asleep.

of course, i dont feel sick anymore. i dont know why my symptoms were very subtle for a few days, and then got horrible on thanksgiving, before immediately going away today. normally, i zone out during family events that take place at night, and i dont really know why. i think that i get so tired during them, that my body suspects that i might be dreaming. i usually dont zone out to the extent that i did last night, though. usually everything just feels hazy, but last night i didnt even feel like i was in control of my body. i felt like my body was just moving around on its own, without me trying to control it. since i didnt feel like i was in control, i was scared that my body would just decide to throw up and i wouldnt be able to do anything. thankfully, i didnt end up throwing up, however the feeling lasted for a few hours until my body decided to calm down.

i think my reality check (pinching my hand to see if my fingers go through my palm) is starting to become a tic, however i prefer to have a tic where i pinch my hand rather than a tic where i plug my nose and try desperately to breathe in through my nostrils, essentially almost suffocating myself. that was actually my old way of doing a reality check, which ended up becoming a tic where i would do it so rapidly that i would run out of breath. this tic has gone away, but if i think about it for too long, my brain tries to get me to do it again, and i dont really know why.

anyways, this entry is getting pretty long, so ill end it here. i hope you had a better thanksgiving than i did. goodbye.

11 - 28 - 19

6:00 PM

46

hello. i feel so horrible right now. i dont know how to describe this feeling. my head hurts so badly because ive been coughing so much. my body finally decided to start being sick right on thanksgiving day, when all of my relatives are over. i just ate dessert and i was so zoned out that everything felt like a dream. everything still feels like a dream as i am typing this. im used to zoning out during family events, however it is so bad that it doesnt feel like i am in control of my body right now. my relatives are still here, and i can hear them talking in the kitchen. i really just want them to leave because i feel like im going to be sick right now. i took some medicine after dinner because of my headache but my head still hurts. i keep doing reality checks because everything feels so hazy. my screen is too bright but it is at the lowest brightness it can be at. im so sorry that this is all i have to say. ill probably talk more tomorrow morning when i dont feel like absolute garbage. goodbye.

11 - 27 - 19

5:31 PM

45

hello. today seemed to drag on forever, however im so glad to be home. i was actually expecting today to be much more painful than it was. the debate i was supposed to have in history never happened, for some reason. my teacher decided to just hand out questions about thanksgiving instead, which i am incredibly thankful for, no pun intended. i was also expecting my math test to be difficult, but i would say it was actually the easiest test i have taken so far. also, my english teacher was absent, so for my last class i just quietly worked on my quiz, handed it in to the substitute teacher, and then doodled for the remaining half hour.

for whatever reason, my brain decided to dig up a memory from almost exactly a year ago. i say "almost exactly", because the memory is from the day right before last years thanksgiving break. the memory isnt even spectacular or anything. it is just me, sitting in my italian class, looking at the board with a drawing of a hand turkey on it. i dont even remember anything that happened before this memory or after it. i dont even remember what was going on. i find this funny because i actually dont even really remember what happened this monday, which was literally only two days ago. i can remember this obscure memory from a year ago, yet if you asked me what i did two days ago, my mind would draw a blank. anyways, im getting tired, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 26 - 19

6:01 PM

44

hello. today was kind of boring. today was good, although i did feel my mood begin to sink on my bus ride home. i feel better now, thankfully, but i was desperately trying to keep my composure in front of my friend. i know that i only have tomorrow to get through, but a majority of my teachers tend to strategically place their tests and quizzes on the day right before a break, so that less students will be absent on the last day. thankfully, the amount of work i have to do tomorrow isnt that bad. i have a math test, an english quiz, and a debate in history. i also have to work on a project for my italian class over break, and i have gym class tomorrow, which usually causes me to feel sick and worried. fortunately, i dont have any written homework tonight. all i have to do is study. that is pretty much all i have to say for today. goodbye.

11 - 25 - 19

6:43 PM

43

hello. i somehow managed to get through today. i wouldnt say anything particularly interesting happened today, to be honest. im just hoping that tuesday and wednesday will be very quick. im somewhat dreading thursday, too, because thursday is thanksgiving, which means my mother will be inviting our relatives to our house, when the most likely thing i will want to do is stay in bed. tomorrow should be quite the breeze, considering that i dont have gym class tomorrow, however i think wednesday is going to be difficult, because i have a math test on that day, along with gym class, and a quiz in english. im sorry, i really dont have much to write today. goodbye.

11 - 24 - 19

6:33 PM

42

hello. it is sunday again, but thankfully i dont have school on thursday and friday this week. even though that means i only have three days left, i still feel exhausted and unprepared for the week. also, i think my dreams have been so vivid and odd because i have been on a new medication for a while. sometimes the dreams are comfortingly strange, while others are so bizarre that i wake up concerned and nervous. in all honesty, i dont really mind the dreams. they arent frightening to the point where i would consider them nightmares, but i had one dream a few days ago where i found a basket hanging off of a tree branch. i was curious, so i dumped out the contents, and a dead mother pig fell out of it, followed by several unborn pig fetuses, which scattered around my feet. of course, that is incredibly disturbing, but then yesterday i had a dream where i sang a beautiful song into the void. i guess what i am trying to say is that the dreams vary drastically, and i am willing to view strange things just in case i see something comforting.

anyways, im talking about dreams because i became lucid in a part of my dream last night. for some reason, a majority of my lucid dreams happen while i am in my backyard. i think i might have become lucid simply because i stepped into my backyard and my brain thought about how i always become lucid in my backyard. i cant remember much, but i remember seeing a kid with no face approach me. the kid didnt seem too frightening, despite lacking a face, so i decided to try to fly away instead of trying to wake myself up. like most other things, lucid dreaming takes practice, and unfortunately i dont get the opportunity to lucid dream often, so i would consider myself to be quite horrible at doing things in lucid dreams. i was barely able to hover slightly over the ground. i tried everything to change the scenery, but it didnt really work.

i ended up trying to hoist myself over my fence to get away, but of course the fence started growing taller and taller until i had to hover so i could barely grab the top of the fence. i think the funny part is that nothing bad was even happening, yet i was so desperate to get away. people always paint lucid dreams as being amazing because you can do anything, but in reality it is so hard to do something so simple like getting something to appear. the only thing i can really do well is talk to dream characters, and even then, they dont do much. i think their reaction to being told that they are in a dream is the most interesting thing about them. most of them react with confusion, however i did have one dream character look at me angrily and say, "dont you EVER let anyone else know that this is a dream.". i also had one dream character claim to also be lucid dreaming, and we had an adventure together, however they took the form of a person i dont really talk to, so it would be incredibly weird to approach them and ask them if we had actually shared a dream.

anyways, i think i have rambled about dreams for long enough. besides, i have homework to do. ill end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 23 - 19

8:28 PM

41

hello. im very sorry if this entry is very short. my friend came over today and she just left so i am quite exhausted. last night i had a very weird dream. well, there were two parts of it that i think were very weird. the first part is that i had a moment where i was actually looking into the void. i dont know how to describe it, to be honest. i was standing on a platform and staring out into a sea of just... nothing? i remember singing a song, but i dont remember the lyrics to it. even though i cant remember the lyrics, i can remember that the song sounded very beautiful. the second part is that sentences in toki pona showed up in my dream. im still somewhat interested in toki pona, however i havent been studying it for some time. in the dream, i was going through old journals that i had written when i was younger. i found a journal and opened it up, and the page was filled with the symbols used in toki pona. i wasnt able to read them coherently, because in the dream i just skimmed over them, however i did recognize the symbols for "me", "water", and other words. other than that, today was pretty alright. i will probably talk more tomorrow, because i am so tired right now. goodbye.

11 - 22 - 19

5:02 PM

40

hello. i am so thankful that it is friday. unfortunately, today was boring, just like yesterday. it was raining really badly during my final class, and while it was terrible weather to walk to the bus in, it looked so beautiful as i was sitting in class. as i have mentioned before, i sit next to the window during my final class, english, so i get to look out of the window very easily. usually, heavy rain during school feels absolutely terrible, as it makes everyone feel groggy and tired, but today was different for some weird reason. when i got home, my mother noticed that my eyes were ticcing and told me to stop, even though i have explained to her several times before that i cannot control my tics. i dont know how to get her to understand that tics arent something you can really stop. i dont have anything else to say, to be honest. goodbye.

11 - 21 - 19

6:53 PM

39

hello. for the entire day, my brain has been trying to convince me that it is friday today. when i got home, my brain started making me feel the relief i feel on fridays, and it got pretty annoying really fast. thankfully, tomorrow is friday, but that still means another day i have to get through. anyways, today was pretty boring to be honest. my throat still feels weird and my mouth tastes bad if i cough, so i might be getting sick. im sorry that i dont have much to say today, im just very tired. goodbye.

11 - 20 - 19

3:01 PM

38

good afternoon. today was somewhat terrible. everything was going well until my fourth class, where my mood started to steadily decline. i have gone quite some time without this happening, so i was pretty upset to see that i was getting angrier and angrier as the day went on. in my fourth class, i was having issues with the computer i was using (my fourth class is music), and the teacher looked at me right in the eyes and walked away, ignoring me. i managed to get my computer to work again, but i was really upset that he decided to just ignore me completely.

i also woke up crying this morning. it took me a few minutes for me to remember why i was crying. occasionally i have dreams where my mother is incredibly irrational, to the point where i am scared. last night i had one of those dreams. in my dream last night, my mother put the head of a dead deer on our lawn, but i dont remember why. i remember being so terrified and begging people to help me. they were concerned too, but they didnt do anything, and then i woke up. my throat has also been feeling funny, and i dont know if i am getting sick. i used to love being sick because it meant i would have a legitimate excuse to stay home, but this year i am scared of being sick because i dont want to be absent.

im getting tired, so ill stop now. goodbye.

11 - 19 - 19

6:40 PM

37

hello. last night i had a wonderful dream. in my dream last night, i purposely got lost. i walked down the street near my house, and i kept walking until i had no clue where i was. i know that getting lost sounds frightening, but in the dream i felt so wonderful. i dont know how to describe it, i was just looking around and everything seemed so much brighter. people were waving at me and smiling. this dream put me in a very good mood, so i felt very happy today, even though i had gym and the discussion in my history class. the discussion went poorly, however my main goal was to speak at least once, because if i didnt, my teacher would take twenty points off of my grade. i did speak, however my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.

my mother finally convinced me to take some medicine for my knee pain, and it actually worked. i had refused to take it for so long because the medicine did absolutely nothing for my hip pain, so i assumed it would do nothing for my knee as well. my knee no longer hurts now, which feels absolutely incredible. i just hope that the pain doesnt come back when i wake up tomorrow morning.

i dont really have anything else to write today. goodbye.

11 - 18 - 19

7:21 PM

36

hello. i thought today would be incredibly difficult, because as soon as i left my bed, i immediately considered asking my mother to let me stay home today. i basically forced myself to go, because i knew that if i were to be absent, i would come back the very next day feeling even worse. thankfully, today wasnt that bad. i am actually a bit concerned about my knee now, because it still hurts. it hurts less than when it first appeared, but i still somewhat limp when walking. it makes me wonder if i had somehow accidentally broke it, but i feel like i would obviously be able to tell if i had broken it. anyways, i am a bit frightened for tomorrow. i have gym class tomorrow, as well as a discussion in my history class that i would really prefer to not partake in.

ive started listening to music that makes the day feel like a mixture of eerie and magical. i dont know how to describe it, but most of the songs from the minecraft soundtrack seem to create this feeling. i love listening to songs that make me do reality checks because they make me feel like im in a dream. they really help me zone out better when i traverse the hallways.

anyways, as usual, i have homework to do, so goodbye.

11 - 17 - 19

6:47 PM

35

hello. today is sunday, and like every other sunday, i usually get hit with this wave of sadness because i have to go through another five days of school to have free time again. i also usually overthink on sundays, for some reason. obviously it is because i have a lot of free time, but for some reason it doesnt really happen on saturdays. anyways, i didnt do much today, i would say. i hate how during the week, i think of all the things i want to do during the weekend, but then when i do have free time, i spend it lying in bed because i am so tired from the week. it began to snow this morning, and it was incredibly pretty to watch, but the snow didnt last very long. i keep getting a very specific memory from a few years ago, where i had no school because there was too much snow outside, so i stayed inside and played games on my laptop instead. i think im still feeling nostalgic from yesterday, because i feel like crying when i think of that memory. usually, if i can manage to remember something from before 2017, i feel like sobbing my heart out. people always say that it isnt very good to dwell on the past, and that i can make better memories than the ones i can remember, but i dont know how i would be able to make memories better than the ones i can think of, especially considering how life is going at the moment. i guess it is all about perspective. im starting to get emotional, so i am going to end this entry here so i dont start crying. i also have homework to do, too. goodbye.

11 - 16 - 19

6:15 PM

34

hello. most of today was spent lounging around, as i usually do on the weekend. ever since last weekend ive been looking at my old stuff to see if i can get any memories of things that happened in the past, as i usually cant remember anything from a few years ago. before dinner, i was looking at old animations and audio clips on my nintendo dsi. looking at the animations actually helped a lot, because i could suddenly recall incredibly specific memories related to an animation as soon as i watched it. the audio clips were... another story. the dsi isnt capable of taking videos, just photos and audio. when i was listening to the audio, most of it was just random snippets from conversations i was in, however some of them have very little context, so much so that it is a bit unnerving. for example, there is one audio clip that just sounds like someone crying. i assume it is me, but i dont know why i would just... record myself crying. if it was someone else, why would i just stand there and record them? there are also two audio clips of me saying the exact same gibberish phrase. it sounded like i was trying to do a cool trick where i could speak in reverse, where if you reverse the audio it sounds like normal speech, however when i reversed the audio, it didnt sound even remotely like anything.

i really enjoyed looking at my old stuff, but the problem with that is that my brain felt like it went back in time to a time where everything was incredibly simple, so when my mother called me for dinner, i suppose my brain expected for it to actually be 2012, since most of the stuff on my nintendo dsi is from 2012. i felt incredibly uncomfortable and like everything was completely out of place. a majority of the pictures on my dsi is actually that of my old cat who died sometime in 2016. some pictures actually brought memories to the surface which i cannot explain for the life of me. there is a picture of a frog i had made out of foam and googly eyes, and almost immediately i remembered where it came from. it was at a party, but i dont remember whose house it was at, or even what the party was celebrating. i can remember the layout of the house and everything. i remember i took a balloon home from the party and it immediately popped on the ceiling. what happened? i just wish i could remember everything, because looking at old things and not remembering enough is incredibly creepy to me.

im sorry, im just very nostalgic and tired right now. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 15 - 19

2:43 PM

33

hello. today is the one month anniversary of this website. i dont have anything to say about it, i just thought it was nice. anyways, today was painful to get through. my knee still hurts, and i actually cant walk normally anymore. if i try to walk, i automatically make my left leg stiff, but it still hurts. i also had gym today, and i had to do exercises that really strained my knees, so that just made it hurt even more. i had to walk quicker than i normally do so i could match the pace of the other people in the hallways. other than that, today was quite average. during my final class, people were growing bored so they decided to make those "sticky note darts". i dont know how to make them, but it involves the use of a staple and a sticky note. they made them and threw them into the ceiling, where they stuck there. people also sharpened their pencils and tossed them high into the air, and they got stuck in the ceiling as well. my english teacher was incredibly confused and asked them to stop, but they just kept laughing and continued doing it. another girl was sitting on a desk, and since the desk was wobbly, the desk flipped and she fell onto the ground and busted out laughing. my english teacher was very surprised at everyones energy, but everyone was probably energized because it was near the end of the final period on friday. my laptop is starting to glitch out now for some reason, and i really dont want my browser to close before i can finish this entry, so im finished writing for now. goodbye.

11 - 14 - 19

2:53 PM

32

good afternoon. i didnt get my essay back today, so im just going to stop mentioning it until i finally get it back. this morning i had a dream that the world was ending before my eyes. i absolutely hate dreams like these, where you get this paralyzing feeling of terror yet peace. in the dream, i felt such horrible sadness yet i accepted all of it within a heartbeat. i would describe it as "accepting your fate".

anyways, today was... alright, i suppose. i dont think my knee pain is going away anytime soon, because my knee is now red and warm, and i have to keep my leg stiff while i walk so i can experience minimal pain. i just really wish that today was friday so i could just lay down and not have to worry about anything for a few days. i mean, it is thursday, so im getting close to the weekend, but i dont think that im close enough. for now im just trying to think of my day as an obstacle course i have to go through so i am able to get back home. i wouldnt say this is the healthiest mindset, but it isnt like im being unproductive in school. i do my homework every night and apparently i am getting very good grades. despite all of this, though, i dont feel like im really learning anything. i really just feel like im memorizing things, but whatever. whatever makes the school look good, i guess.

i want to lay down now, mainly because of my knee hurting, so goodbye.

11 - 13 - 19

3:09 PM

31

hello. my knee still hurts, and im tired. ive been ticcing incredibly bad for the past few days, but i had promised myself i wouldnt tell my family because they always try to give me advice that just never works. when i had gotten home today, i finally blurted out that i was afraid that people might think i have been being rude recently because my main tics have been my face scrunching up and my eyes rolling in a way that i fear may make me look passive aggressive. my mother told me that i should just "think of something else" when i feel the tics coming up. i know that she doesnt know what it is like to have tics, but i have told her over and over again that just "thinking of something else" doesnt get rid of my tics. she just never seems to listen. i compare the feeling of my tics coming on as an itch, and that the itch only goes away when you satisfy them. also, trying to surpress tics usually makes them come out more violently.

other than that, today was okay. my knee is actually starting to somewhat hurt if i sit down, but it isnt as bad as how my hip pain was before, so im fine. i havent gotten my english essay back yet, but i have a sneaking suspicion i am going to receive it tomorrow. i actually dont have anything else to say for today, so goodbye.

11 - 12 - 19

3:07 PM

30

good afternoon. thankfully, my body decided to end my left hip pain, however in return it started to make my left knee hurt instead. personally, im actually completely fine with that switch, mainly because my knee only hurts when i walk, while my hip was hurting no matter what i did. today was actually quite fine, however i did have a moment where i zoned out really badly. it happened while i was trying to walk down the stairs so i thought i was going to fall. i didnt, thankfully, but it scared me. my english teacher also didnt give back the essays today. i suppose he didnt want to interrupt the movie we are watching. it also started to snow during my english class. whenever it starts to snow during a class, i think it is hilarious how one person shouts "snow!", and then everyone starts shouting and trying to crowd the windows. of course, it isnt that funny to my ears, but oh well.

anyways, i want to lay down now, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 11 - 19

4:31 PM

29

good afternoon. again, i remained in bed for most of today. also, i didnt mention this on friday, mainly because i thought it would just go away like it did last time, but do you remember the memory i shared about my left hip hurting? well, the pain has come back, but in a different and stronger way.

on friday, i was lying down as i usually do when i get home on a friday, when i got that same funny feeling coming into my left hip again. i dismissed it, but then of course it gradually became stronger and stronger until it was so bad that i was involuntarily gasping. the pain from all those years ago never did this, or at least as far as i can remember. it got so bad that i couldnt remain still, and i was tossing and turning every few seconds because it would get worse the longer i stayed still, like the last time i got the hip pain. my mother gave me some medicine, and it actually started to work, however after a while the pain slowly started to creep back. i wrote my entry on friday when the pain was starting to come back. a few hours after my entry, my mother finally decided that i should go to the doctor since i was making noises that i have probably never made before in my life. i typically dread going to the doctor, especially when it is dark outside. have you ever realized that whenever you or someone else is having a medical emergency, it always occurs in the middle of the night? anyways, i had to force myself to get up and get dressed. funnily enough, while everyone was concerned about my health, i was standing in my room, debating over what i should wear to the doctors office.

of course, when i got to the doctor, the pain wasnt even that bad anymore, however i had to wait for maybe around half an hour in the waiting room. when i finally got seen, the doctor just prodded me and concluded that if it didnt hurt when she poked me, then it probably was something that could wait, and that i should just get a urine sample, which didnt work out. as i expected, my mother got angry at the situation. usually when my mother is frustrated, she denies any anger while having the classic "i am enraged" look on her face, which didnt exactly help my situation. since there wasnt really anything else we could do, we went home. since then, the pain has been coming back every morning, so i have to basically lay down with a hot water bottle until it goes away, which could take anywhere from an hour to maybe five hours. i was planning on staying in bed all weekend, but this completely settled it. i would describe the pain as actually being one of the worst sensations in my life. i dont think ive ever involuntarily let out noises because something hurt so much. the pain came back this morning, so i tried to drink some water to see if i was just dehydrated (i dont know why dehydration would manifest as hip pain, i was just so desperate to find the solution), and the pain increased somehow.

right now, the pain is gone, which is good. i didnt really mention the pain before because i really thought it was just some random pain that i occasionally get where something really hurts, before going away mysteriously the next day or two. other than the entire weekend being filled with inescapable agony, i would say this weekend went okay. i mean, since i have too much freetime over the weekend, i usually overthink and make myself incredibly upset. i guess the pain was physical this time around. i feel gross and sickly, but i also suppose the pain made me overlook things that i would usually fixate on. im going to try to be present for school tomorrow, mainly because work i probably wont understand will start piling up, and then ill never want to do anything productive ever again. anyways, i have nothing else that i really want to talk about, so goodbye.

11 - 10 - 19

6:49 PM

28

hello. as i predicted yesterday, i spent the majority of my day today in bed. i am completely and utterly dreading tuesday, because i dont want to try to assimilate back into society after doing absolutely nothing productive for a few days. also, i wont be too pleased to greet the work waiting for me on tuesday, as well as the essay that my english teacher has probably already graded. im a bit sad because im starting to hate my schedule more and more. im not saying i thought my schedule was perfect, but i was really excited for this year simply because my schedule sounded amazing. i was especially excited for my music class, and then it turned out that the electronics that were supposed to be there on the first day... werent there. only now are they starting to be installed and plugged in. also, getting through gym class is a nightmare. my class after gym is placed all the way across the school, so i have to move quick so i can get there on time. history and english are also terrible. my english class being horrible makes me especially sad because i love to write. i love to write creative stories and such, but in english class you are seated and told to write essays about things you do not care about. sometimes i think about trying to become an author when i am older, but then i fear that if my books become popular, will someone just like me be forced to sit and overanalyze the things i wrote with no greater intention behind them? anyways, im running out of energy and i want to sleep now, so i will stop here. goodbye.

11 - 9 - 19

6:40 PM

27

hello. nothing majorly spectacular happened, to be honest. i dont have school on monday, so i will probably just be lying in my bed like a slug until i have to get up for school on tuesday. also, theres something that i forgot to mention a few days ago. i dont remember when it happened, it might have been yesterday or the day before yesterday, but i had one of those weird epiphanies where you realize that youre alive and nobody will ever have your exact life experiences. im never able to recreate this feeling, but i will sometimes get it if i stare in the mirror for too long, or if i think about the people i know for too long. i got it when i was looking out of the bus window on my way to school. nothing in particular caused it to happened, but it just washed over me unexpectedly. this feeling usually goes away after a few seconds and i can never get it to come back. its mostly a good feeling, but theres an odd undertone of sadness to it. anyways, it is late and im tired, so i will end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 8 - 19

5:17 PM

26

hello. this entry will probably be short because im tired. today was good, but this morning i had a nightmare. in the middle of the nightmare i became lucid, but usually when i become lucid during a nightmare i usually try to wake myself up because i dont want to risk the nightmare becoming even worse. i had two false awakenings during the dream, where i woke up inside the dream, before falling back asleep into the dream. since i couldnt really wake myself up, i managed to make myself fly outside. i was rising into the air and i could feel the sun on my back, and then i woke up. apparently the nightmare was short, so i woke up at around two in the morning, so i just laid in bed until i fell back asleep. other than that, today wasnt that remarkable to be honest. i handed in my english essay so ill just have to wait and see what i get on it. thats all i have to say for today. goodbye.

11 - 7 - 19

7:37 PM

25

hello. i was actually feeling quite well today until my final class came by. it turns out my english essay was due today and i didnt have it, so i got ten points deducted from my final score. in all honesty, i feel like my english teacher is targeting me. obviously it is my fault that i didnt have my essay, but everytime he speaks to the class he always stares at me. occasionally he will turn to look at someone else for a split second, before turning his eyes right back to me. it creeps me out, mainly because im a bit self-conscious of my tics. also, after he had collected everyones papers, he called me up to specifically ask me if my printer had simply malfunctioned, even after i had told him while he was collecting the papers that i had forgotten that it was due today. the rant he went on leading up to him asking us for our papers was quite comical. it looked like a dramatic scene straight out of a movie. he went on and on about how this paper is a very important paper (it isnt. its just one of those papers where you explain how the author used a certain technique to prove some main theme), and that any late papers will automatically have ten points deducted from their final score, and so on. i had to finish my essay today, with the help of my sister. i needed six hundred words, while my paper only had four hundred. we somehow managed to get my paper to over six hundred words, so im just going to hand in my essay tomorrow and hope that i get at least a ninety.

during my final class i was upset because i thought i was going to be able to skate by without getting annoyed. my friend had to stay after today so i sat on the bus alone. on my bus ride home, we passed a bench with a little boy and presumably his father on it. the boy was looking at all of us and smiling, so i smiled and waved, and he started to wave back. after he started waving, we passed him completely. after that encounter, i immediately felt happy again. for some reason, i cant seem to express emotions in a way that other people do it. if i get even just a little bit happy, i start vibrating, get bursts of energy, and i become very talkative and energetic. the problem with me being too happy is that my family hates it if im too energetic, so their bad mood will keep my happiness in check. if i get sad or angry, i cant get the emotions out until it is too late. you would think that it would come out like my happiness, but i think i might just be deathly afraid of people seeing me angry or upset. people usually dont see me sad or angry until i am a sobbing, screaming heap on the floor. ive heard this before but i forgot where, but for some very odd reason, the straw that breaks the camels back always comes at the most inconvenient time.

because of this problem, in the past i would simply take days off just so i wouldnt freak out in the middle of school. the problem with that is that staying home can make me upset, because of all the work i have to catch up on, so i would really just be adding to my problems. also, once im absent for the first time, i never want to go back to my regular routine ever again. since ive decided to not do that this year, i am really struggling to hold it together. i know i have the weekends to try to calm myself down, but i have my entire family in my house while doing so, and they love to be loud and barge into my room without even knocking first. anyways, i havent even finished the rest of my homework so ill end this incredibly long entry here. goodbye.

11 - 6 - 19

7:32 PM

24

hello. this entry might be a little short because i still need to finish my homework. anyways, i was angry again today. the anger started in my fourth class and peaked at my final class. i got so angry i thought i was going to start crying. we were working at tables in the library so of course my english teacher decided to sit next to me while i was trying incredibly hard to not explode. to add to all this, my left hip decided to ache tremendously while i was trying to shower later in the day, while i was still angry. this pain actually caused a forgotten memory to resurface.

a few years ago, a few hours after i had woken up one morning, i started to get a weird feeling in my left hip. do you know how your throat feels the day before you get a sore throat? thats what it felt like, but it was in my hip. the feeling soon became pain, and the pain increased until it was so painful that i was on the verge of tears. back then, when i was in pain, i would just stay in bed until it went away, however this pain made me walk around in circles over and over, mainly because it hurt if i remained still. my mother was out shopping and my father and sister were still sleeping, so i just paced around in circles, occasionally going into the bathroom, i suppose to see if there was anything that could stop the pain. when my mother returned, my entire family was awake, and they could see i was on the verge of crying. i dont remember them doing much to help, to be quite honest. they suggested it was the food i had eaten the day before. for the entire day, i was trying incredibly hard to ignore the pain. since it hurt if i was still, i was doing sit-ups in my bed over and over again until the pain began to slowly fade away. the pain was gone for maybe half an hour before it slowly came back. i dont know if it went away when i had to sleep, or if i managed to fall asleep through the pain, but it was gone the next day. nobody in my house has mentioned it since, until today when i had asked my mother about it and she said, "oh, yeah, i remember that.".

like i said in the beginning, i really need to do my homework, so ill stop here. goodbye.

11 - 5 - 19

7:46 AM

23

good morning. i forgot to mention this yesterday, but i dont have school today. of course, when i get to stay home all day, drama erupts. yesterday my mother admitted to my sister that she ate some halloween candy despite having condemned halloween. my sister and i got angry because she was being hypocritical, and that she shouldnt celebrate halloween and then condemn it whenever she sees fit. my mother behaves in a funny way where if we both get angry at her for something, she will yell at us and say something along the lines of, "i raised you, clothed you, fed you, and this is how you treat me? i raised my children right.". well, i would sure hope you would clothe and feed your child, but if you do something wrong, your child has the right to tell you that what you did was wrong. when i was trying to sleep last night, she went into my bedroom and dropped a bunch of laundry on my bed before angrily stomping out. usually she puts the clothes away, but i didnt mind getting up and putting my clothes away. in fact, it forced me to get up and do something ive been thinking about doing for a while. a while ago i read that journals dont have to be fancy and neat in order to be helpful. my last journal (i had decided to name my journal, her name is lollipop) was incredibly neat before my mother discovered it. after my mother discovered it i stopped writing because i was too embarrassed to continue on. last night i grabbed a new book and started a new journal. this one doesnt have a name. instead of writing complete sentences i write down gibberish thoughts that come in the moment. of course, my first entry was... very angry and sad. i also mentioned things that had no correlation to what was going on. to be honest, im not sure if i would mind my mother finding this one. some thoughts are very coherent while others make no sense. if she actually found this, then she would probably take me to therapy for the third time, and then take me out before i could feel any better like she always does. then again, since it is somewhat gibberish, would she even be able to understand what i was feeling?

my mother is still angry. my sister told my mother that they need to leave in fifteen minutes, because my mother drives my sister to school, and my mother just glared at her. im going to go write in my journal now. goodbye.

11 - 4 - 19

4:57 PM

22

good afternoon. last night i had thought i had finished all of my homework, but it turns out i forgot to write the essay for history that i had talked about a while ago, so i quickly finished it during my lunch. not much happened today other than that, but this morning i kept daydreaming about doing things i want to do that my family doesnt want me to do. for example, i really want to walk to the bus stop in the morning rather than being drove there. i know that they just dont want me to get robbed, kidnapped, or have any other horrible thing a person can do to another person done to me, but for some reason i feel like i would be so much happier. i also really want to live in a quiet neighborhood where no one knows who i am. the house where my grandparents live is probably the perfect example. everytime i visit their house, which is actually quite rare, i feel a wave of melancholy and peacefulness wash over me. i cant explain it, but everytime i visit i feel like im trying to choke back tears. i think it might be nostalgia, but the deafening silence of their neighborhood is eerie.

i think i want to be independent. fear holds me back from learning a lot of life skills, like cooking. i desperately want to learn how to cook but i cant even trust myself to do something someone asks me to do without messing it up. i fear that if i try to cook, i will burn the house down, but i need to learn how to cook in order to be independent. i want to learn how to drive, but what if i hit someone with my car? i thought that maybe i could learn how to ride a bike, but what if someone steals my bike? then i thought that i could walk to places, but what if someone robs me, kidnaps me, or does any other horrible thing a person can do to another person to me? also, walking isnt very practical if you need to go somewhere that is too far away to walk to. dont even get me started about airplanes. i would say any form of transportation terrifies me. humanity could develop the first teleportation pad during my lifetime and everyone would be using it without a single problem, but i would be the one lone person worrying.

anyways, i think ive tired myself out just by worrying, so ill end this entry here. goodbye.

11 - 3 - 19

11:15 AM

21

hello. im very sorry about not posting yesterday. i was staying at my friends house, and i had impulsively asked to sleep over, which they allowed me to do. yesterday morning i had fallen asleep on top of my hand, so when i woke up i couldnt move my hand for a good minute or so, which freaked me out a little. ive had that happen before, but it always catches me off guard whenever it happens. i had a lot of fun at my friends house at first, but i think i need to remind myself that i shouldnt stay over other peoples houses for too long, because it started to get less and less fun as time went on. this was the house of the friend who didnt go trick-or-treating with me this halloween, by the way. i had made plans before she decided to not go with me, so i thought i should just stick with it. whenever i feel very happy, i become very impulsive, so even though i knew i would regret sleeping over, i had asked anyways, so my dad had to come and drop off my clothes. i dont have a full-body mirror at home, while my friend does, so everytime i go into my friends bathroom, i always look at how weird i look.

last night was... very uncomfortable. my friends mother took out the inflatable beds they inflate in the middle of the living room whenever they have guests, and while it is very amazing to watch them inflate, sleeping on them is a different story. i used to love them, but i guess as ive gotten bigger its just been more and more awkward. not to mention i had to sleep with pants on, which i dont normally do, so i felt sweaty. the blanket i was given felt like velvet, but it didnt do much for warmth, so i somehow felt hot and cold at the same time. i also sleep holding a bunch of pillows, so trying to sleep with one was a nightmare. i usually fall asleep by daydreaming until i pass out, but since i wasnt in my bed, my brain got confused so i couldnt really daydream. i had to wait until my brain decided to finally go to sleep. my friend slept on the other bed, and i guess during the night it deflated, so she had moved to the couch. her legs were positioned right where my head was, so in the middle of the night she kicked me straight in the head. i woke up, but i kept myself still because i really just wanted to fall back into a dream. i cant tell if i had a dream or a nightmare last night, to be honest. in the dream i was playing a trivia game, but since it was a dream i simply couldnt win. i became unreasonably angry in the dream, so much so that i woke up crying.

after waking up every few hours i finally decided to get up and go get changed into some normal clothes. as i was standing up, my friends cat suddenly started vomiting on the kitchen floor and on someones bag. my family has cats as well, and usually when they vomit during the night one of us will hear and we will go clean it up. i woke my friend and told her what happened, and she simply shooed me away saying that her cat does that all the time, and she fell back asleep. i really wanted to go and clean it up, as standing around cat vomit isnt the most pleasant experience, however i was afraid someone would catch me looking for some sort of cleaning spray i can use to clean up the cat vomit, and think that i was snooping around. i texted my sister to see what she thought i should do, but she never texted me back, so i just ignored it until her mother woke up, and then i told her mother.

in all honesty, the sleepover stopped being fun when i tried to fall asleep. i had realized that i had made a big mistake the second i changed into my pajamas. i also didnt eat very healthy over there. i had fast food for dinner and candy for breakfast. i had asked to be picked up earlier than i usually get picked up when i sleep over, just because i was so tired. when my dad picked me up, he told me that the rest of our family is doing a garage sale. my sister had texted me about it yesterday, however i assumed the garage sale was yesterday. nope, it is today. so as im sitting here, typing this, my mother is outside trying to sell stuff. my mother had asked us if she should give people "a ticket to jesus" with each purchase, and thankfully we managed to convince her to not do that.

thats actually pretty much everything that has happened since yesterday morning. also, i think this is my biggest entry yet, probably because i missed my entry for yesterday. i was actually considering writing an entry yesterday morning, but i couldnt think about what i should talk about. im very sad that i decided to stay at my friends house, to be honest. reaching the weekend can be very hard, and i chose to spend the majority of my weekend in a place that became more and more uncomfortable as time went on. anyways, ill write tomorrow, goodbye.

11 - 1 - 19

4:05 PM

20

good afternoon. im incredibly happy that today is friday. i was ticcing really bad today, to the point where i could barely focus on the work in front of me because my eyes were darting around. while i was walking to my fourth class, i realized that i was walking incredibly slow. i only realized this because people were starting to walk around me, so i tried to speed up my pace, but no matter how fast i tried to walk, i felt like i was stuck at a slow walking speed. there was nobody in front of me, too, so it wasnt like i was blocked from walking faster. i felt pretty absentminded for the majority of the day, so im pretty sure that i was speeding up and i just didnt realize it, but it felt pretty freaky. i also got very angry during my third class, because the teacher was ignoring me, and the anger didnt go away until the beginning of my seventh class. i didnt even care that much about the teacher ignoring me, but for some reason the anger wouldnt leave me alone. if today wasnt friday, the rest of the week would be horrific. anyways, im pretty exhausted from today, so goodbye.

10 - 31 - 19

4:04 PM

19

hello, and happy halloween. my friend decided to go with her mother's friend's nephew instead of with me today. what an absolute shocker. i had stressed and worried about my outfit for today, and at the last minute she decides that she wants to go with someone else. my father and sister had actually gone out and bought me some things to wear. now im not going because i feel awkward trick-or-treating alone. originally i was just going to ignore that and go by myself, but ive realized that i dont want to suffer the embarassment. also, i spend a lot of time during school walking. am i going to really want to walk around my entire neighborhood just so i can stand awkwardly at peoples' door and ask for candy? really. my friend isnt very nice to me sometimes. like yesterday, i forgot to mention this because i was so caught up with my outfit for today, i had slipped and fell in some mud during a photography club meeting. my hands were completely dirty, so i needed someone to help open the door to one of the bathrooms in the school. she was supposed to do this, yet she kept going to her other friends and taking photos with them while i was trying to find the bathroom. im not saying i needed someone to wash my hands for me, but it would have been nice to have someone to open the door for me, so i didnt get mud all over the door handle. all of the bathrooms were locked so i had to wash my hands in a water fountain. im too tired and upset to think, so ill stop typing now. goodbye.

10 - 30 - 19

6:57 PM

18

hello all. as you can probably tell from the date, tomorrow is halloween. unfortunately for me, my mother refuses to let me openly celebrate halloween as she thinks it is devil-worship, so the rest of my family and i are all trying to celebrate halloween without my mother involved. i may or may not have mentioned this before (i type a lot of things on here and delete them before i post them, and i cant remember if i had deleted this or kept this), but i thought that my mother would not allow us to give out candy, but it turns out that my sister got her hands on bags of candy to give out. i also dont have a very good costume. i have a few options, however. it is supposed to be horrific weather tomorrow, so i may not even go trick-or-treating (i know i am a bit old, but my friend still loves to go, so i tag along), but if i do, i want to have a costume prepared. my first option is to wear my unicorn ears and horn headband alongside my tie-dye shirt. all of my costumes will probably seem incredibly lazy, but when your mother despises halloween, you have to make it work somehow. my second option is to wear a headband with bats on it, along with a black outfit. even lazier than my first, i know. my third option is to simply dress normal and have a paper taped to my shirt that says, "im with stupid" with the arrow pointing upwards. i actually particularly like the last option, simply because some costumes can be so lazy that theyre funny, but the problem is that the rain might soak the paper.

anyways, im getting tired, so ill end this here. goodbye.

10 - 29 - 19

5:49 PM

17

good afternoon. today wasnt very eventful. at least, i think it was uneventful, because i cant remember some parts of my day. whenever i begin to type on here, without fail, it always feels like there is something incredibly important that happened that i want to talk about, but i can never remember it. oh, one thing happened, but it isnt even that interesting. i had to notify my english teacher of my motor tics just in case he thought i was trying to cheat. yesterday he mentioned that he spotted four people he thought were cheating, and while i was fairly certain i wasnt one of them, i still told him because i am trying to spare my future self from a mild anxiety attack. of course, he said that he knew i wasnt cheating, so i just thanked him and went back to my seat. thats the only noteworthy thing that happened today. goodbye.

10 - 28 - 19

7:32 PM

16

good... late afternoon? i would say night, but thats a parting phrase. anyways, thankfully my history teacher wasnt too upset about the lack of a substitute on friday. i feel like something important happened today, but i cant remember it at all. also, i wanted to share something funny that my brain does. sometimes, when my brain is bored, my brain rambles by itself. it isnt complete gibberish, like you would expect, but rather somewhat coherent sentences. if i quiet my brain and try to think about what was said, however, i find that i completely forget everything that was thought. ive started to keep track of what my brain is thinking, so if i hear my brain saying things, i open my notes on my phone and record whats being said. i mention this because today my brain was talking and it spit out a gibberish word that sounds like a word ive heard before. the word was "vicordial". the complete sentence was, "the left extension is a slow vicordial.". my brain was about to continue, but as soon as i realized that i had no idea what "vicordial" meant, it quieted. this happened during my shower, so i had to go over the sentence in my head over and over until i had access to my phone.

i think that after i post this, i will make a shrine on here dedicated to the sentences my brain says, because i find it interesting. i would say these sentences resemble something that a person would think of right before falling asleep, and while sometimes they occur at night, while im trying to sleep, sometimes ill find myself with these words stuck in my head during the day.

also, i thought my brain was done with confusing my dreams with reality. when i woke up this morning, i couldnt remember anything i had dreamt. i laughed to myself, knowing that the memories will probably come flooding back when something from the dream shows up, and guess what happened during lunch today? it turns out i had dreamt that i had thrown out my hand sanitizer that i bring with me to lunch and replaced it with a new hand sanitizer, so i was very confused when i saw my hand sanitizer in my bag. i didnt even need to see my hand sanitizer to realize what had happened. i got the memory back as soon as i reached for my bag. i mean, out of everything that i could have dreamt about, i guess this was the most harmless one.

anyways, i need to get my homework done. i will write more tomorrow. goodbye.

10 - 27 - 19

7:37 PM

15

hello. i might make this quick because im tired. i spent almost the entirety of this weekend lying in bed. sometimes, during the morning on the weekend, i leave my lamp on, even when the sun is rising, because it tricks my brain into thinking that ive stayed home from a school day. for some reason, the sunlight seems so much more beautiful when i stay home from school, than when i go to school. i have a nasty habit of staying home for the most trivial things, but im trying to break that habit this year, because im starting to think that my first absence of the year causes the whole year to collapse on itself, although i think ive stated that on here before. once youre absent, you dont want to go back. a lesson ive learned is that transitioning from one state to the next is very difficult, no matter what it is. this is the reason why you dont want to sleep once youre home, and why you want to stay asleep in the morning. if im absent for a single day, ill feel even worse about going to school the next day. once my alarm goes off in the morning on a school day, i get out of bed and i dont get back in my bed until im home, because i know that if i get up, eat breakfast, and then lay back down (i have some time after eating breakfast to relax and prepare), it will be basically impossible to pry me from my bed. so far, ive been pretty good with this. i usually count from 1 to 5 before forcing myself up and out of my bed.

im sorry, i dont know why i went on a complete rant about my morning habits. i guess thats it for today. ill write tomorrow. goodbye.

10 - 26 - 19

3:39 PM

14

good afternoon. i thought today was going to be boring, but i was reminded by my family that we were going to the pumpkin farm today. i was a mixture of excited and annoyed, because, on one hand, i would be able to finally leave the house to go somewhere that isnt school, but on the other hand, i had to spend my precious freetime with people who probably were annoyed at me. i was correct about the latter, because my sister kept looking at me angrily when i talked for too long. when i get excited, i become very active and talkative, and my family hates that. i had to constantly remind myself to keep quiet because i didnt want to hear them talk trash about me later. every year when we go to the pumpkin farm, my family usually ignores my pumpkin suggestions, but this year they actually liked the pumpkins i suggested. my family didnt want me to get a pumpkin, but thats fine, because i carved my first pumpkin last year and it made my hands hurt, so i didnt exactly want to try that again. my sister told me that i can help carve her pumpkin this year, but i know that "helping" is her codeword for "watch me carve out the guts and quietly hold the trash can so i can toss them in there". anyways, im getting tired, so ill just end this entry right here. i might talk more later, or maybe tomorrow morning. goodbye.

10 - 25 - 19

5:17 PM

13

hello. today was funny. you know how i said i had four important things to do yesterday? it turns out i only had two important things to do. well, it was supposed to be three, as it turns out the quiz is next friday, not today, but my history teacher was absent, and no substitute showed up. we knew she was going to be absent, though. we all sat there for a few minutes, waiting for someone to show up, but nobody came, so of course we took advantage of that. i sat and doodled quietly because i knew that screaming and going wild would obviously alert the other teachers in the other classrooms in the hall, but the other kids seemed to not understand that. they talked loudly and were drawing on the whiteboard. occasionally a kid would silently leave the room to use the bathroom, and everyone would think they were going to get a teacher and ruin the fun, and, let me tell you, the sigh of relief that swept over the entire classroom when they came back and people realized they had just went to use the bathroom was absolutely breathtaking and hilarious. eventually though, a teacher in another classroom heard us, and walked into the classroom. nobody knew what to say, so the teacher obviously knew that no substitute had showed up, so he, as the kids in my class said, "snitched on us". a substitute finally showed up when there was ten minutes left in the class, so we obviously couldnt finish the essay in that time, so we just relaxed. i dont think it was smart of the other kids to act that way, to be honest. im a good student, but im not a teachers pet. if i see an opportunity to be able to relax for at least a few minutes, im going to take that opportunity. you may say that i have my passing time to relax, but is it really relaxing to have to force your way through crowds of idling people and somehow make your way across an incredibly large building in just five minutes? not to mention the sound of hundreds of people talking. anyways, thats pretty much it for today. goodbye.

10 - 24 - 19

3:52 PM

12

good afternoon. it took me a while to fall asleep last night because i had obsessed over toki pona for almost the entirety of the day (which i probably shouldnt have done, because it is best to learn a language by spreading out the information, rather than trying to force yourself to learn everything at once), and also because i heard my sister saying things about me to my mother in my parents' room while they thought i was asleep. apparently i had clogged the shower drain and i didnt realize it, and my sister was telling my mother, "what did they do, rip the hair out of their brush and put it down the drain?". for some reason, my hair falls out very easily. im not balding, but its a bit of a running gag in my house that if a piece of hair is found anywhere, it is best to assume that it came from me.

today was rather regular, however i realized i now have a new motor tic that is annoying, and also embarrassing if someone notices. i close my eyes, my eyes roll downward (at this point, my eye tics are very sporadic), and i scrunch my face up, particularly my nose. most of my tics are very subtle, and most people dont know i even have motor tics. i say most of my tics are subtle because i used to have a tic where i would plug my nose and try to breathe out it rapidly, which would essentially choke myself if i did it for long enough. this is going to sound incredibly stupid, but i caused that tic to happen accidentally. i had read about lucid dreaming and i wanted to try to learn how to do it, and one of the most common ways is to do "reality checks", where you try to do something that gives a different outcome if youre in a dream. after a while of doing these, you would remember to do them in a dream. one of these reality checks is to plug your nose and try to breathe through it. in real life, you cant breathe through your nose when it is plugged, obviously, but you could still breathe through your nose in a dream, so if you remembered to do the reality check inside a dream, you would realize that you could still breathe, so then you knew you were in a dream. i did this way too often, to the point where it became a tic. its pretty much gone now, as i have a less harmful way of doing reality checks (pinching my hand, if my fingers go through my hand, im dreaming), but its still stupid how i did that.

sorry for going on a bit of a rant there. anyways, the rest of today was pretty normal. i know a lot of words in toki pona now, so i can make a few sentences. its really fun to write the symbols. tomorrow i have two tests, a quiz, and an essay i have to write in some of my classes. the essay is for history, and my teacher was kind enough to let us get a head start on it today, so i have some of it done already. thats about all i have to say for today. goodbye.

10 - 23 - 19

2:40 PM

11

hello all. not much happened today, to be honest. this morning i was looking at conlang (constructed language) stuff and i found out about the language toki pona, and i am fascinated by it. toki pona is based on minimalism, and has very little words. you combine words to create more complex words, and use context in order to communicate. im thinking of learning it because it really interests me. thats pretty much all i have to share today. goodbye.

10 - 22 - 19

5:58 PM

10

hello. as soon as i got home, i felt incredibly tired, so i laid in my bed for a long time, until i got the willpower to stand. today wasnt very eventful, as far as i can remember, to be quite honest. my friend is still sick, so she didnt come to school again. she told me shes coming to school tomorrow. i think i got angry today, but im not sure what caused it. i think i thought too much for too long. if i think too much for too long i get all angry and worried. also, i think the reason why my eyelids keep feeling so heavy is because my eyes tic a lot. the first motor tic i ever had was my eye-rolling tic. my mother got mad at me because she thought it was because i spent too long on the internet, so everytime she saw my eyes roll, she would get mad, so i instinctively closed my eyes when it happened. now i cant break this habit, so whenever my eyes tic, my eyes either completely close or they cover most of my eyes. i think that because my eyes keep moving, theyre bound to get tired, but thats just a guess. im getting tired again, so goodbye for now.

4:15 AM

9

good morning. i woke up two hours earlier than i usually do, because i am excited for some reason. i decided to delete the creations page because i felt like it was pointless, and also because i probably wont talk about my characters on here as much as i thought i would. also, i have a very outdated phone, and it tends to go into restart loops, where it just shuts off randomly and restarts over and over for a period of time, before finally turning back on. i was trying to use my phone after i woke up, however it went into a restart loop, and the screen turned completely red, which it has never done before.

oh. i just looked up what a red screen means, and it is affectionately referred to as "the red screen of death". thats actually hilarious, because the red screen lasted for a few seconds before going back into the restart loop, before turning back on.

thats all for now, mainly because i dont have much to talk about. i will probably write once i get home. goodbye.

10 - 21 - 19

2:38 PM

8

hello all. the weekend went by incredibly quick, didnt it? i guess it always does. anyways, i felt like i was suffocating for the majority of today. im not sure why. i would be sitting still and i would feel like my throat was closing. i also felt like my eyelids were incredibly heavy. they still feel very heavy, like theyre threatening to fall completely over my eyes. i think the funny part is that im not even tired. my friend is sick today, so she didnt show up to school today. sitting on the bus without talking to anyone actually feels very relaxing. i wish i could do it everyday, but she likes to talk to me. thats fine, i suppose. i am tired, so goodbye for now.

10 - 20 - 19

6:20 AM

7

hello. a while ago i had started creating my own language because i had gotten tired of people being nosy when they shouldnt be, however i had stopped because i had lost interest. for some odd reason, i am now interested again, and i feel as though i have gotten pretty far. i wont share the language on here, but making a language is somewhat fun and somewhat annoying. having to make hundreds of words is one story, while remembering them is another. i guess thats all i am going to say for today, mainly because i want to work on my language. goodbye.

10 - 19 - 19

7:46 AM

6

hello. i... wouldnt say i just woke up, as i spent some time lying in bed this morning, so i guess ill say i woke up around an hour or so ago. i cant remember my dream, but it must have been a very intense dream, as i didnt wake up too early. usually if the dream is boring, i will wake up maybe around one to three in the morning, and theres a slight chance of me actually being able to fall back asleep. i only remember a few scenes from the dream, but they dont make any sense, which i suppose is typical for dreams.

im fairly certain that the scenes i do not remember will haunt me, because i occasionally have a hard time telling the difference between dreams and reality. usually i will go a long time without remembering anything from a dream, until i encounter something in real life, in which case my brain will suddenly remember it, and most likely mistake it for having happened in my waking life.

there was one funny case where i remembered having a conversation with someone over chair cushions, which, funnily enough, actually happened. however, i suppose i must have had a dream where my brain somehow managed to copy and paste the entire conversation and paste it in a scene where i was in a very fancy library, so i spent a long time analyzing the scene where i was in the library, feeling as though the conversation did happen but having no other memory of a fancy library except for this one, until i finally managed to recall the actual conversation, which took place between me and my friend's mother, in my friends house, which is completely different than a fancy library.

ah, funnily enough, as i was reading over the last paragraph, making sure it made sense, i remembered what my dream was about. it was a nightmare, or at least mostly a nightmare. i probably wont share the majority of it, as it is quite embarrassing trying to explain something that doesnt make any sense, but there is one scene that is genuinely unnerving.

i dont know what led me to this scene, however i was sitting in my room on my laptop while relatives were visiting my house, with a gray 1998 furby near my laptop. i havent shared this yet, but i collect furbys (furbys, according to official sources, is the correct spelling, yes). i remember the furby being gray, and the only 1998 furby i have that is gray is my leopard furby, tuna. funnily enough, ever since i received tuna, i have been pretty sure that they are haunted, but i digress. i dont know exactly why i had this on my computer, or what i had been trying to achieve, but i think i may have been looking up purposefully scary videos on youtube. occasionally i do this, so i am pretty well-acquainted with the majority of "cursed" videos on youtube, however what i saw in the dream was completely different.

the video was flashing, with loud sounds. the only frame i remember was a neon blue background with dark blue text, displaying a language that i do not know. the only language i am fluent in is english, and im currently learning italian. if i had to compare it to a language that already exists, i would say it looked similar to tamil, because the characters had many swirls in them.

i remember seeing the furby's eyes somehow roll backwards, with only the whites of their eyes showing. i think the furby's mouth was hanging open too, but im not sure. my sister was yelling at me, probably for looking up an incredibly frightening video on youtube.

thats all i can remember from that scene, however the rest of the dream isnt exactly any better. ive probably written a lot, so i am going to stop here. perhaps i will update this later. goodbye.

10 - 18 - 19

2:59 PM

5

i dont even know where to begin with what happened today. lets start simple: they didnt follow the schedule i had received. apparently there were two schedules that had been distributed, and the one that i had received was incorrect. so, lets just say i was thrown for quite a loop. this also meant that i didnt know where to go, and whenever this happens, i feel completely panicked. next, i guess i should specify what the big event was today. it was a pep rally, which i completely and utterly hate, however i didnt want to be absent because i hadnt been absent yet this year, and typically the first absence of the year causes the entire year to go into a downwards spiral.

my method of attempting to zone out until im home didnt exactly work as planned. i probably should have known that this wouldnt have worked, as the pep rally was an hour's worth of screaming and cheering, but it still bummed me out.

the screaming was unbearable, and coupled with the booming music, my head and throat were vibrating and i felt like i was going to be sick. i was crowded in, and a kid hurled themselves off of the bleachers and onto the floor, barely missing my friend's head.

after the pep rally, we had to return to our last class of the day. my teacher for that class was absent today, so the other five people remaining and i just sat quietly in the room until the period had ended. i dont think anyone was happy today.

5:46 AM

4

good morning. i cant remember what i dreamt about last night, but all i know is that this morning i woke up with tears in my eyes. there wasnt that many tears, but someimes i wonder what my brain showed me that could make me cry. anyways, today is one of those days where i desperately want to crawl back into my bed and stay there forever, but i know that if i even dare to sit on my bed i wont be able to get back up, so im refusing to give in. since its friday, i suppose i can wait until i get home.

my schedule is going to be altered yet again, so im hoping that maybe i can zone out for the entire day, so it can seem to me like i get home in a matter of minutes. the days tend to be long, but when i try to think back on them they seem to go by rather quickly.

i wouldnt say that i hate going to school. i mean, i do, but sometimes my family can be so rude to me that i would prefer to be at school, however i dont have the luxuries of pillows and a blanket at school. i guess i just wish weekends were one day longer and weekdays were one day shorter. i feel like having an extra day to prepare for the madness of school is perfect for me. this is also why i used to wake up so early last year. i need time before being thrown into school, because if i dont i will probably be grumpy for the entire day.

ill probably talk more when i return home. goodbye.

10 - 17 - 19

2:57 PM

3

hello. today was... somehow eventful and yet so boring at the same time. i dont know how to explain it. my memory is weird in that i cant remember what i ate for dinner yesterday, but i can remember sitting down on the floor during preschool. what im trying to say is, i barely remember anything that happened today, but ill try to go over some things that i can recall.

first of all, yes, there is a streetlight at my bus stop that i never noticed before for some very weird reason. i should have known that there was a streetlight there, because i have to leave for school incredibly early. by early, i mean that the sun begins to rise while im on the bus to school. the bus stop was never drenched in darkness, i certainly would have known that because i would be creeped out everytime i had to stand there, but for some reason it never connected in my brain that that light actually had a source. my brain is very odd.

second of all, an idea for a pair of characters solidified in my head. i dont exactly feel like describing them, but maybe when i have enough motivation ill draw them and add them to the creations. i havent used that page yet, because im more skilled at traditional drawing than digital, but maybe ill add a page for them first, then work on the drawing.

thats... actually everything i wanted to talk about. i feel like there was more i wanted to type, but the thoughts have escaped me. goodbye.

5:32 AM

2

i woke up twenty minutes ago. last night, i couldnt sleep for the life of me, particularly because i got inspired over something, and when i get inspired i can get so excited that i almost make myself sick. i probably could have waited to go to bed, because it wasn't even that late or anything, but i guess i thought i should go to bed early for once.

i think something was wrong yesterday. i felt glazed over for the majority of the day. i think it was because my schedule had been altered because i had to take a rather important test which lasted a few periods, but i feel as though i was too "out of it" for it to just have been simply a schedule change. i didnt exactly believe what the clocks were telling me, and every period after the test, i just stared blankly and didn't do much. the bus ride home felt like a weird dream.

10 - 16 - 19

6:07 PM

1

the rain poaring relentlessly outside seems almost scarily peaceful. unrelated, but this morning was very magical. as i was crossing the street to reach the bus stop where i stand every morning, waiting for my bus, i noticed a streetlight there that i had never noticed before. maybe it appeared overnight? the streetlight was illuminating the area with a dim pink light. maybe it was because i was weary from waking up too early, but it made my day before it even began.