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the canvas

the shrines

1 - 16 - 21



hello. well, today was eventful. again. dont get me wrong, i hate boring entries, but i sorta had my world turned upside down yesterday and i would appreciate it if things could slow down. anyways, onto what happened.

i went to the thrift store today, which... surprised me at first. my father had told me yesterday that we werent going to go until i completed all my work, so i had already accepted the fact that i wouldnt return in a while. then this morning he told me that if i was doing my work, which i said yes to, that we could go. i quickly realized that this was an opportunity for him to ask me more questions, but i was alright. i... feel a little better around my family now. im still wary since i dont know what is going to happen, but i feel a bit more relaxed. anyways, onto what i got from the thrift store. i got a furby and a mcdonalds furby, and also this really big stuffed bear. im super duper happy about what i got today.

thats where the entry content was supposed to end, but today wanted to end with a surprise, i suppose. my sister and her friend found a dog on the side of the road, and now theyre going to take them to the vet... okay. now that i think about it, that isnt even that big of a deal. oops...? whatever, i was super duper excited so i threw on a coat and ran outside to see the dog but then they got upset at me and told me to go back inside since my hair is still wet from my shower. im really tired now and there isnt much else to say about today so im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 15 - 21



hello. ummm... today was... wow. where do i even begin? well, for starters, my family found out about my missing assignments. i mean, it really was bound to happen eventually. i was pretty much living on borrowed time. luckily it happened when my sister wasnt home so i had less questioning to endure. as i was expecting, i immediately broke down crying and told them about how horrible ive been feeling, which was... scary, knowing their history of just ignoring my pain. my mother told me she will take me to see someone, but as of right now i sort of have to wait to see how everything will play out. in my honest opinion, i dont think anything majorly positive will be done. this entire thing played out like how i came out in the summer of 2019, and that was... pretty painful. i ended up just stifling myself ever since because i realized no one would listen to me. i fear it will be like that, where i just end up shutting up because it takes less effort to go through the motions of daily life than be myself.

to be honest, i worry that this entire situation is just a hole i dug for myself. im scared that all of this isnt real and im just making up excuses to not do my work and be lazy, and that any desires for me to actually complete what im assigned dont exist. this entire thing started after i finished weeks of missing math work within a single day, by the way. i think that caused me to hit my breaking point, but time will never acknowledge breaking points. it will just keep going and going and leave you behind.

well, i guess thats enough of talking about it, i suppose. im not crying, ive just been super tired all day from what happened and i kind of just want to go to bed and sleep. i still want to finish this one assignment before heading to bed, though. then tomorrow i will work on finishing every single assignment as soon as possible... hopefully. fingers crossed i dont get all sad and start daydreaming. i do have hope, though. im just going to end this entry here since im tired. goodbye.

1 - 14 - 21



hello. today was... meh? i was pretty upset a few hours ago, as usual to be honest. i dont really know what else to write because im very tired. i laid down today... and thats about it. more work keeps piling up that im trying to deal with but im just very tired. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 13 - 21



hello. today was um... painful? i guess? but not painful like physical pain like yesterday, but rather... i dont know... mental? during my first class today, i had to speak in the call. this is normally fine, but, um... for whatever reason, i blanked and i couldnt think of any words. it wasnt that i didnt know what i wanted to say, i knew exactly what i wanted to say but i just... when i tried to focus on the words i would use, everything just vanished and my mind was filled with colors instead. i was able to get out a few "yeah"'s and "mhm"'s towards other people talking, but that was about it, really. after i was able to think of words again, my turn had already passed so it didnt even matter, but i began shaking. im not really sure why. it wasnt nervous shaking either, i know what nervous shaking feels like. this was more like sick shaking, like when you have a bad cold or something, but im not sick. i wasnt even warm. i also got a pretty mild headache. i feel better now but that was... scary. i spent the rest of today mostly laying down because i was super shaken up from what happened. im just going to end this entry here since i dont have anything else to say. goodbye.

1 - 12 - 21



hello. short entry for today because ive been in a lot of pain today. i didnt do anything and i had to miss class because my stomach was hurting so bad. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 11 - 21



hello. this entry will probably be short because im tired and also didnt do much today. im... really, really, really upset that im not doing any work. i dont know why but i just cant make myself do anything anymore and the work is just piling up. sometimes i have the strength to look at what i have to do, but then i cant seem to go any further than that. it is making me so frustrated. ugh. whatever. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 10 - 21



hello. well, today was boring, i think. i just laid in bed today, although i was super restless around an hour ago. i felt like i was suddenly filled with energy and i kept moving around for a bit until i had to take a shower and i ended up crying. i feel a lot better now. since not a lot happened today, i will just end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 9 - 21



hello. today was actually sort of eventful. i went to a thrift store with my father today and i ended up getting a new furby and a neopet toy. it was super fun, but my mood was a bit dampened because my tics have been really bad today. while my tics do suck in general, they suck especially in public since, you know, no one else knows me and they just see my eyes rolling around in my head and my neck jerking and all of those weird movements. during the drive home, i ended up venting about it a bit to my father, which is... kind of rare for me to do. i mean, ever since my family rejected me after i came out, i made the conscious decision to emotionally run away from them, if that makes any sense. it is also kind of why i seem to talk about being miserable on here a lot, i think. it seems like everytime i try to open myself up to them, they hurt me. thats why me venting about my tics to my father was rare (and also kind of dumb) for me to do. every time i bring up my tics, they tell me to stop talking about it or they think im making a big deal out of it. i dont really see how i can "make a big deal about it" when it literally affects me daily...

it was a really, really weird shock to me when he was actually understanding. we talked a little bit and i began mentally rejoicing since this was the first time in a looong time where i emotionally opened up and didnt immediately receive a sucker punch to the heart. when we got home, i ate in the kitchen before retreating to my room. i laid in bed and thought for a while. dont mistake this for me trusting them, by the way. it will be a long time before i ever even think about pulling a stunt like that again. it just felt so nice to be heard.

anyways, as usual i should stop now since im tearing up. thankfully i didnt do much today other than that stuff, so i can just end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 8 - 21



hello. today i was in a really, really weird daze. i can say with a great deal of certainty that i really did just spend today in bed. i was too tired to really do much. my stomach also keeps hurting for some reason. eugh. oh well. at least the weekend is tomorrow. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 7 - 21



hello. today was fine. i cant really remember, but i think i did alright today. i just cant wait for the weekend, to be honest. goodbye.

1 - 6 - 21



hello. today was meh too, i think. i cant remember. i just stayed in bed. i unfortunately dont really have much to say for today... goodbye.

1 - 5 - 21



hello. today was pretty... meh, to be honest. i freaked out some more today, especially later in the day. im honestly reaching a point where im freaking out because im freaking out so much. it is a terrible cycle. all i want is for summer to come so i at least dont have to be missing and putting little effort into my assignments while this is happening. oh well... all i can really do is wait, i guess. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 4 - 21



hello. well, i want this entry to be short because im super tired, but today was... pretty bad, i think. i did no work and freaked out for a good portion of the day. im okay now, but im just frustrated. im going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 3 - 21



hello. yeah. just as i was expecting, i didnt do anything today. in my defense, i suddenly got hit with a horrible mood in the middle of the day. im not exactly sure what started it either. one minute i was fine, and then the next i felt sad and horrible. after a while of feeling sad and horrible, i was suddenly filled with a ton of energy for some reason, and then i went right back to sadness, and now im... normal? i think? it was kind of scary, to be honest. i was crying for no reason. like, i was just sobbing and i didnt know why. luckily im better now, but god do i hate when my brain decides it is a good time to just flip flop on me. anyways, i should probably just end this entry here since i dont have anything else to talk about for today. goodbye.

1 - 2 - 21



hello. i didnt do any work today either... to be honest, ive already accepted my fate of still having missing work when my break ends. if i can make it through my math test, then i will be fine. i think. hopefully. anyways, today was... alright? sort of? i was fine most of the day, then i broke down crying in the shower over some old stuff, but now im okay again. it was weird. well, this is usually the part where i go "oh boy, i sure do hope i get some work done tomorrow" and then inevitably get little to no work done the following day, so here i go: oh boy, i sure do hope i get some work done tomorrow. there. lets see what ends up happening tomorrow. i dont really remember anything else from today that is noteworthy, so im just going to end this entry here. goodbye.

1 - 1 - 21



hello, and oh my god... this is amazing. i just moved all of my 2020 entries to their own separate page, and the lag immediately cleared up. this is incredible. anyways, enough of me celebrating. onto what happened last night! to be honest, i... did not want to celebrate new years last night. im not really sure why, although i think it was because my stomach was hurting pretty badly. i came out to the living room anyways and just sort of sat there in wait for the last ten minutes of 2020. whats scary to me is that i snuck a peek at my new years entry from last year, and i had remarked about how it felt like new years for the year before that felt like it was just yesterday or something to that effect... it is a bit worrisome for me because i dont remember that new years that "felt like it was just yesterday" anymore. to get back on track, after the clock hit midnight, i retreated back to my room since my stomach was still hurting.

woah... another paragraph for an entry! i havent done one of these in a while. cool! anyways, to talk about today, it was... oh. great. the first entry without lag in a long time and i cant remember what happened. i think today was... bad? but not really? i think today was one of those days where i just sorta exist. my break ends really soon, and im super frustrated because im still not done with all my unfinished work and i have a math test waiting for me on the day i get back. how endearing. hopefully i will get some more progress done in the next few days... unfortunately, i dont have anything else to share. such a shame, too, because now i can type quickly. oh well... tomorrow is another day! goodbye.